I tend to feel cared about when someone notices a shift in my mood and reaches out, asking about how I'm doing.
However, I confess, when asked "what's wrong" I like it less. I try to remind myself, they are simply caring. But my knee jerk reaction is, they think something is wrong.
Yet, if asked "are you okay" or "what's on your mind" or something similar, I tend to feel more encouraged to explore my mood. I have less of a defensive reaction. Instead, I feel invited to share any reason I may have for the shift in mood. And in truth, there is often no big reason. Our moods move around. It isn't always because something is wrong. Maybe we simply ate sugar and are feeling it, or our hormones are doing a natural shift, or we read something that's put us in an introspective moody seeming place. Or, maybe something hurtful or challenging or unhealthy is going on. Maybe talking it out or telling someone who cares can help us feel better.
I don't think it's wrong to ask "What's wrong?" I know I'm lucky when someone cares and asks about my feelings. I know my reaction to "What's wrong," is my reaction, not necessarily based on the meaning behind it. Sure, it infers the person thinks something is wrong, but the bigger inference is the person noticed my mood and cares in some way.
I bet there are people who would feel more comfortable with hearing, "What's wrong?" if they needed to talk. Maybe it would mean they feel as though the asker of the question is really ready to hear the problem. Perhaps a simple, "Are you okay?" would give them the feeling the asker wants to hear, "Yes, I'm fine," rather than anything deeper. I can easily imagine a person feeling not defensive by "What's wrong?" but, instead, more truly noticed and cared about. As though the question means, "I am prepared to take the time to hear what's going on for you because I care and see you, and notice something is amiss, and I want you to unburden yourself by telling me what's wrong."
I am not that person. But I believe others may be.
What do we do in a world where people react differently, yet often in drastic ways, to various words and phrases? We shouldn't simply strike words and phrases out of our language because they might be a problem for some people when they might be a lifeline for others.
I recommend, instead, we be truthful with ourselves and our loved ones. Our reactions are completely valid and interesting and personal. But they are not so personal that no one will understand or learn from them. I say we explore and share.
So, please, if you see me seeming down or in an unusual mood, don't hesitate to ask me if I'm okay or what I'm thinking about. I hope you won't ask me "What's wrong?" but if you do, please forgive my potential childish defensive reaction. If I push back because I feel a sudden need to insist that nothing is wrong with me and I have every right to have more than my one, most common, happy silly mood. (By the way, I do love my happy silly mood, I just also like my many other moods.)
Please note: I'm working on that reaction. But I'm not quite there so I apologize in advance for the temper tantrum I might have. However, the upside to my temper tantrum is you can confidently say, "see, I was right, something is wrong," at that point. tee hee!
Let's be contemplative and kind, rather than combative and unrelenting, while exploring reactions to words and phrases, friends!
