Autism Answer: Autistic Communication - a conversation

 Originally published in  The Loop

 

Mom & Dar

 Communication

 The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.

My mom has been teaching the value of believing in, listening to, and raising the bar for people my entire life. I am the oldest of her eight children and admit, it didn't come natural to me, this believing beyond appearances thing.

But in our home we were not allowed to ignore ideas that might uncage people. Specifically, in my youth, my brothers.

So I pretended. I pretended I believed my four adopted brothers were as capable and "like us" as my mom clearly wanted them to be. I pretended, but with mom's consistent guidance it wasn't too long before pretending shifted. Not only for me, but for my brothers and others as well.

My brother, Dar, who is most severely impacted by autism, was the most challenging for most of us to recognize as relatable. Sure, he was handsome, but the jumping, rocking, stimming - none of it seemed to be for reasons anyone could fathom.

And goodness knew he wasn't telling us.

Or, was he?

Mom insisted he was. She listened to his habits, his sounds, his reactions, his motions... she listened with her eyes, her touch, her ears, her heart. She asked him to speak, to type, to show us what he wanted to say...

Years and years of this, and as a family we all grew to understand Dar better. His speech, though, we understand least of all. Mom understands the words he says better than anyone else, yet still she mostly misunderstands or invents based on likelihoods.

As a brain and behavior expert who works with families all around the world, mom says this is common. This misunderstanding and assuming the words of our loved ones with speech issues.

There is so much value in knowing the speaker who is hard to understand is saying something, is worth working to hear and help. Just that belief alone makes a difference and can help us hear each other better.

But more is needed. We want more than what the belief can do - we want to move into solutions that take us farther.

Mom and Dar are working on that.

In the meantime, please enjoy the short video below of my brother, Dar, answering mom's questions with patience while mom misunderstands a lot. It was only during the playback that mom realized what Dar had actually been saying and Dar was able to confirm. (the captions are for those of us who are unsure of his words)

 

 

 

As we close out Autism Awareness Month, I encourage you to enjoy all the videos in my mom's Autism On The Road series. 

As my mom and brother live a nomadic lifestyle (in their RV, in hotels, invited to stay with family and friends around the world - from California to Montreal to Texas to Paris to Lebanon to Manitoba... a few months from now they'll be in Australia) their intentions have been largely to teach and to learn. As an autistic man my brother tends to inspire questions and reactions, which he and mom like to address with comfort, clarity, and kindness. 

Also, as an autistic man living in a variety of spaces, my brother necessarily needs and wants to learn new environmental skills. Food, toilets, and other expectations and availabilities shift and change, often drastically.  By spending the time closely with mom, they learn how to handle these things together. 

Lately, a big focus has been on communication. Communication of all sorts but, in particular, Dar is focusing on speech. When he watches the videos he's surprised by how unclear his language is. When mom watches them, she's surprised by how much of his language she had misunderstood.  

Together they watch them and Dar helps mom understand. Captions are added and the videos are shared.

They are the most recent (and shortest) videos on the Autism On The Road Playlist, and I recommend them. Of course, I also recommend the entire series! 

Follow this link to view the playlist: Autism On The Road  

 Hugs, smiles, and love!!

 Tsara Shelton (X.com)

Autism Answer: A Book For The Leader You Are (willingly or not)

 

 

The Seven Senses of Leadership by Lynette Louise

 

You are in a Leadership position. Regardless of whether or not you've done this purposefully, you are. Not always, not everywhere maybe, but sometimes and in certain places, you are. I offer you my congratulations and my condolences, whichever you feel are warranted. ;D 

 

Now, obviously I can't help you get more or less Leadership responsibilities, but I can point you to a book that will help you always take on the role with purpose and even pride. This book will also help you choose your Leaders with deeper knowledge and intention. 

 

The Leadership we offer and the Leadership we choose is kind of a big deal, whether or not we decide to engage with it vigorously. The older I get (I'm finally 50!) the clearer it becomes that this stuff will not only affect me - whether I want it to or not - but it will affect my children, grandchildren (at the moment I have 5 of them!), great-grandchildren, etc. 

 

I'm not talking about political Leaders, but I'm not not talking about them either. They have so much power! But they are born out of and influenced by all the Leadership that surrounds us. Parents, educators, caregivers, friends, writers, creators, on and on and on. The way we step up, the choices we make as learners, purchasers, parents, teachers, content publishers, creators, voters, we are all in positions of power. 

Unfortunately the publishing company that originally released my mom's book The Seven Senses of Leadership has disappeared and the paperback is no longer available through them. 

 

Fortunately, my mom asked me to help her release the title as an eBook via Amazon Kindle - and though I confess the formatting is still less than stellar it is now available! 

 

The book is phenomenal. It is short, smart, compassionate, inclusive, and often times funny. If you are able, please read and review: The Seven Senses of Leadership: The Brain Broad's Guide to Leadership Sensibilities

 

 

"What you believe changes what you see. [...] If you want to control how you see the world, this is good news because you can do one of two things: You can change your physiology or you can change your psychology. Both are possible and either one will change the other." ~Dr. Lynette Louise ("The Brain Broad"), The Seven Senses of Leadership

 

Additionally: My mom will be speaking again at the Annual Leadership Summit America in Albany, New York - March 20 - 21 2025. The summit features top-tier speakers and offers attendees the chance to network and grow their leadership skills in an immersive environment. Follow this link to learn more: Internationally Renowned Brain Expert Lynette Louise, The Brain Broad, to Speak at Leadership Summit America

 

Our world is wonderful. But it is made more wonderful when people Lead well. When people choose their Leaders well. When people are aware and purposeful in their Leadership relationships. 

 

Whether by reading the book, attending the summit, or both, there are excellent tools to reach for!

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!! 

Tsara Shelton (X.com)

Autism Answer: Nonverbal Communication and Telepathy

 

 

My brother, Dar

I originally wrote a version of this piece for my mom's newsletter, The Loop!

______________________________________________

 

"Nonverbal communication is the transmission of messages or signals through a nonverbal platform such as eye contact, body language, social distance, touch, voice, physical environments/appearance, and use of objects."

Telepathy is not on that list of examples, but it does say "such as" which implies the list is incomplete. Perhaps we can expect more examples to be told to us directly, in our thoughts. Telepathy-like.

If you have not yet been informed of the popular podcast and upcoming documentary The Telepathy Tapes, then my comment may seem rather unexpected. (I did try to warn you with telepathy that I was going to bring this up, but perhaps my aim was off?)

From their website: The Telepathy Tapes dares to explore the profound abilities of non-speakers with autism. These silent communicators possess gifts that defy conventional understanding, from telepathy to otherworldly perceptions, challenging the limits of what we believe to be real.

From me: I remember my mom (international brain change & behavior expert Lynette Louise, "The Brain Broad") telling us kids about a variety of times our autistic brother, Dar, and our mom communicated in this way.

In fact, at 36 minutes into the documentary The Indigo Evolution (click this link to watch on YouTube) mom shares a story about Dar telling her telepathically not to have an affair. (The story is funny but, as is mom's style, it is also deeply insightful and thought provoking... while being funny.)

People who spend time with autistics (or indigo children or similarly labeled individuals) are inclined to notice the unexpected and seemingly magical habit many of them have for feeling the energy and judgements in a room full of people; of making sudden and aware eye contact in answer to a thought in the mind of a parent or sibling; of laughing at a joke someone in the room is only thinking about telling; of projecting, or pushing, words into the minds of caregivers. 

This is too common to be ignored.

Exploring the communication of telepathy is wonderful, and I have experienced it myself. My mom and I shared dreams a few times when I was little, before I learned not to believe in it. I suppose we may have shared dreams after that as well, but by then I chose to presume coincidence or consider it crazy.

Knowing that our non-speaking brothers and sisters do have things to say, things that are unique to them and their perspectives, is oh so necessary. Exploring the variety of ways in which they express themselves and choose to communicate with us is what it is to care, and to do science.

However, we must be careful! We must avoid magical thinking - ooohhh, they have special powers and are beyond us! 

And we mustn't turn the story into one that denies disability. 

All too often a fight for acceptance trips over into a fight to indulge our instabilities or disabilities.

When one sense is lessened we often enhance another. This we know. But it's not like the superpowers we see in film and comic books, and I think we know this too.

When my mom first adopted our autistic brother, Dar, my little sister and I watched the movie The Boy Who Could Fly with fascination. The boy in the film is autistic (a term we had never heard before mom adopted Dar) and though the boy did not talk, it turned out he could fly. So, our new brother must also be able to fly! We waited, we asked him, we closed our eyes and told him to do it while we weren't looking. Eventually, disappointed and disillusioned, we came to realize that our brother was not going to fly. We gave up asking him. In fact, for a while, we sort of gave up on him. Our poor brother. He probably wanted to fly away from our disappointed attitudes. 

Our dear brother. His lifelong quest of attempting clear communication has been fraught with challenges. When he was still in school and practicing facilitated communication, his ability to push words into mom's mind, but not often the mind's of others, was initially frustrating and eventually dangerous, causing a few terrible situations. One leading to a painful court case. She explores all of this in candid detail in her phenomenal book Miracles are Made: A Real Life Guide to Autism (published 2011).
  

Neither mom nor I have yet listened to The Telepathy Tapes, but we both appreciate their relevance. My mom more so. Not only because of her own experiences but because of the conversations and challenges she sees in homes around the world. For more than forty years my mom has been discussing this phenomenon with families from every culture, economic background, and belief system. It is not an uncommon issue and it deserves to be explored. Carefully. 

If autistics can communicate using more of their senses, it follows that most of us have the potential to do so as well.Whether it is telepathy or other advanced skills of nonverbal communication it is worth our attention.

The power this science can have to guide - or misguide - us as a community is clear.

Not the science itself so much as how we handle it. 

Let's handle with care. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!

Tsara on X.com

 

 

Book Review: The Way of Men by Jack Donovan

 

 

Even before I became a mother to boys, I was unexplainably curious about what it meant to be a good man. No, that's not quite right. I was curious about what it meant to try to be a good man, to contemplate it and to make choices in pursuit of it, to wrestle with those questions as boys becoming men. 

I don't know why I was so interested in the quest for manhood. I was (and am) a girl. A girl who was (and is) quite happy being a girl. More than happy since my ultimate dream has always been to be a mom.

Eventually I become a mother. And as luck would have it, I am the mother of four boys. Boys who have (and still do) wrestle with the questions of manhood. 

My interest in the subject of being a good man, and being good at being a man, obviously increased.

This book then, The Way of Men, hits that nail on the head.

That's not to say I considered it the answer to my questions, but certainly it explored the theme and explored it well. 

In the preface the author, Jack Donovan, claims the book is his answer to the question: "What is masculinity?"

I think the book does a good job of examining that question. It is straight forward, thought provoking, ballsy, interesting, often funny, and powerful. It offered ideas I don't think I would have imagined on my own. 

By stripping away much of the mess we make in creating civilization Jack Donovan boils things down to their basic elements; to the core of men and the nature of them. I appreciate that he doesn't stop there, though. He admits that he likes - believes in - an element of civilizing and ease of living. He believes in seeking a healthy balance, for the sake of men and masculinity. He explores civilizations and the dangers they often present to The Way of Men; he also offers suggestions and warns us of the harm in not making necessary shifts. 

I like, too, that he separates the ideas of "Being a Good Man" and "Being Good at Being a Man". Throughout my life I have been curious about the plight of being a good man, but it hadn't occurred to me that being a good man and being good at being a man could be two different things. By looking at them separately, I felt invigorated and armed with a clearer way of understanding people.

The Way of Men came to several conclusions I for sure don't agree with (and a few I was devastated by) but it also laid out some well constructed concepts I think are important.

This isn't a book I'm compelled to run around recommending but I wouldn't avoid suggesting it either. 

If it calls to you and you do read it, I recommend reading it with a willingness to consider the ideas presented without prejudice, while also remembering to examine them as ideas, not ultimate truths. 

So much of this book is of value. All of it is of interest and valid. And even though I strongly want to push back on a fair bit of it I also can't deny the necessity of considering it as a whole.

Part of me wishes I had read it when my sons were still small, but part of me is glad I didn't. I'm not confident that the me I was back then would have been aware of the aspects I think need to be reconsidered, re-imagined, or simply thrown out.

Of course, the me I am going to be several years from now will probably have such different things to think about everything, including this book. 

Oh, life. How you unceasingly seem to evolve me. 

 

Thank you for offering me literature that helps me influence that evolution. (Such is The Way of Reading).

Hugs, smiles, and love!

Tsara Shelton (X.com)