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| Declyn and me |
"Hold him this way," my mom suggested, holding my youngest son up in her arms, away from her body, while encouraging eye contact with her loving smiling eyes.
He was little, in my memory not quite a year old, but we were noticing sensory stuff and lack of eye contact. We weren't worrying about it but we were noticing. And we were following his cues while hoping to help him feel our love.
As Declyn grew, this sort of noticing and following and leading continued.
He had a debilitating case of hyper empathy, any amount of uncomfortable energy could hurt him to the point of a meltdown. Meltdowns he chose to have alone, crying and talking to himself (or the people embroidered on his pillow) until he was alright. He got good at helping people sort out their feelings, which was a form of self-preservation. He had sensory issues that affected him in several ways: he vomited often, he was overstimulated often, he wanted to wrap his fingers in my wet hair often.
In each case when I would notice, I would follow his lead and then attempt to help him make sense of what was going on for him and then lead him towards comfort - with himself and the world around him.
Parenting Declyn was wonderful. We were close. We understood each other. We had deep conversations and shared our inner selves.
At least, that's what I thought.
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| Declyn |
Turns out, I was quite mistaken!
Oh, we have always been close, but he (along with all of his brothers) hid so much from me. I knew them, but also I did not.
But I am not wrong in remembering much of our closeness. Of how much Declyn impresses me and finds ways to connect and have fun with me.
So this morning, in celebration of Declyn on his birthday, I roller skated and rocked out to the entire soundtrack for The Greatest Showman. Because that is a memory of our closeness.
Declyn and I love to sing our hearts out, loud and proud, proper pitch and right words be darned! When we are in a car together we are unstoppable! From blocks away you will hear us coming (and though you are not likely to say "what lovely singing voices" you hopefully will think "what passion and joy").
When Declyn's brother bought him The Greatest Showman soundtrack, after having taken us to see the movie in theaters, it was an all out oh man we love these feelings rock out fest. For months! We were almost addicted!
I didn't think about it then, but today, as I rock and rolled, I recognized why so much of the music would hit hard for my youngest son. The lyrics, the dreams, the "this is me" declaration, these and more are deeply Declyn.
So today, I'm holding him this way.
Holding him up, remembering and reliving and feeling, while hoping he will feel my love. A love I am pushing out into the world with intense rocking out energy. Perhaps his hyper empathy will help him feel it: as far as Montreal, Quebec is from Fallbrook, California, I wouldn't put it past him. He feels things.
And when I hold him this way, I feel them too.
Happy twenty-third birthday to my darling Declyn!
I love you!!
Hugs, smiles, and love!!
If you want to rock out with me and Declyn, here's one of our favourites:
