Autism Answer: Sexuality is Often Fluid

 

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It is #PRIDE month. If the energy and camaraderie of this gives your child the confidence or desire to come out, to tell their family and friends that they are gay, trans, nonbinary, bisexual, asexual, queer - I have a simple suggestion.

 

Believe them. Accept their version of who they tell you they are, appreciate the courage they are showing, and give them space to discover. 

 

Keep in mind, sexuality is often fluid. So if your child is gay today and nonbinary tomorrow, don't presume it's because they're making it up or just trying to jump on a trend. It's quite likely they're simply evolving. 

If your child has been afraid to reveal their sexuality and struggled to understand it quietly then they have also been building walls and inventing stories to change, accept, challenge, hate, and love themselves. Coming out doesn't magically make those narratives disappear or push them easily into the past.

 

And yes, as with all of our children, (but not us adults, no, never us adults) they could be jumping on a trend. It could be they want so bad to be an ally they take on a role, or they want attention, or they're simply curious.  It can be tempting as parents to aggressively try to figure out which it is but that's a mistake. 

 

Most of our children are going to try on identities in reaction to trends, and most of them will do things, make memories, that create issues they'll have to deal with. But ultimately we help our youth most when we accept who they are, ask how we can be good allies, and imagine futures where they are who they say they are. 

 

In this environment of acceptance and freedom I believe our children are most likely to change in their own healthiest and happiest directions. It may be that they continue to be bisexual or asexual. It may be that they are and always have been gay. It may be that they don't quite know who or how they love but they do want love. I don't think this means we stay completely hands off and just nod in acceptance as they work to figure out who they are, particularly where our more socially challenged loved ones are concerned. This is a time when our guidance is especially important. (Though, admittedly, appropriate appreciation from our teens and young adults will almost certainly be severely lacking. )

 

I think we're likely to be the most helpful to our kids by knowing we love them, knowing we want them to be caring and to be cared for in any relationship, and moving forward with them and that in mind.

 

In this environment I believe our children, our families, and our societies are most likely to change in their own healthiest and inclusive directions. 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: When My Son Told Me He Was Gay

I wrote the following piece for SexualDiversity.org

Back in 2014 my son, who was still in high school at the time, took a deep breath and nervously told his friends he was gay. Well, nervously posted it on Facebook. His plan, as he explained it to me later, was to post it and gauge reactions, ready to say he had been hacked and it wasn’t true if he didn’t feel he could face the reaction. 

When he told me about it I was impressed, surprised, and uncomfortable about the need for him to “dip his toe in the water” as he put it, instead of just be who he is knowing that who he is was perfectly fine. 

But also I was confused about something.

"Why didn't you tell us first?" I wondered out loud. “We’re your family, I’m surprised you didn’t tell us first that you’re gay.”

"Oh, mom," he laughed, "I don't have to come out to you guys! You love me no matter what. It's not something I felt like I'd have to sit you down and tell you. I knew my friends would have to process it, and that some of them wouldn't be okay with it. I never worry about that with my family!"

Well. Huh. That's a pretty awesome reason!

But, and here I would like to stop writing and leave it at we are all an awesome family. 

But –

I did not behave awesome. I behaved okay.

At first, I just accepted it out loud while internally questioning.

Is he really gay? Or perhaps he is bi-sexual, clearly he has feelings for some of the boys, I’ve seen that, but he’s had so many girlfriends. My goodness, he’s had at least one girlfriend on the go since he was in kindergarten! And his freshman year in high school he had two. (He was not two timing, they were all in one threesome relationship.) 

Then I started asking him. “Are you sure you’re gay?” 

“Yes.” He’d say, easily. 

“But all those girlfriends! Did something happen? Did it change, or are you maybe bisexual? Do you think it’s a phase?”

I don’t know why I felt the need to ask these questions in the way I asked them. I know part of me was worried that he’d paint himself into a corner by announcing “I am this” which is something I keep an eye on for myself and all my children, but there was clearly more to it. I was worried about him being gay in small-town Texas. But I could have had these thoughts and concerns without questioning him. I could still ask questions, those are wonderful! But I wish I hadn’t questioned him.

According to him he’s always known he was gay but tried not to be. He tried to like his girlfriends, girls who chose him and insisted he go out with them, because he didn’t think it was good to be gay. Around him he didn’t see gay couples, none were in his favorite movies, his friends and brothers used the term as a punchline. So, sad and simply put, he tried not to be.

But he is gay.

And it is okay, it is fine, it is not at all something he should have to “come out” and say.

I was okay when he told me, but I was not awesome.

I hope others will be better than me.

I hope others will be awesome. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My son, Shay.