Autism Answer: A Piece Of Me Isn't Me

 

A silver hair I found on my jeans: a piece of me

 

I was sweeping and singing and thinking last night when I was overcome with the memory of a feeling. I remembered how I used to feel when I had written something and was waiting for reactions. I remembered how my feelings would react to those reactions. 

 

I remembered feeling as though the reactions to my writing were reactions to me. I remember thinking, how could I not feel this way? My writing is me. I word everything precisely; I compose a rhythm meant to match my meaning; I spend as long as hours on one sentence to be certain it is a true sentence, that it says what I mean as much as a sentence can. 

 

Most of my writing, once published, is literally the process of me stripping my ideas and beliefs naked, peeling each layer intimately and purposely, attempting to share a peek of everything with a reader. Any possible reader. It is vulnerable, and it is me. 

 

Yet now, it occurred to me as I looked around for my dustpan, I react to reactions slightly differently. Even though I still write in that same way, I still compose the words and rhythm in a way meant to expose myself, I no longer feel as though it is me readers are reacting to. It is the writing, the ideas in the writing, the piece itself they are reacting to. 

 

I still care, I still hope it is understood and appreciated, I admit to still hoping it is seen as beautiful or important or intriguing. I hope these things not for me, but for the piece of writing. 

 

Which, I admit, is a piece of me. 

 

But a piece of me isn't me. 

 

I filled the dustpan - it had been on the back of the couch - and threw away the debris (tiny pieces of our day) and the song I was sweeping along to changed. It was time to dance. 

 

As I closed my eyes and sang too loud and encouraged the movement of my body to take me away, to bring me to where dancing brings me, I recognized the similarities between the feelings of freedom and self-expression I have while writing that I also have while dancing. But though the feelings are similar, they are executed differently.

 

My writing is meant to be shared. I want it shared. It is not the same experience for me if it is not intended to be shared, if I don't imagine it being shared. Whether or not there ever is a reader on the other side, I always write with a reader in mind. When I write only for me I am lazy. I don't search for the precise phrasing because searching for the precise phrasing is intense and, well, hard work. If it's for only me I simply think, "I know what I mean," and move on lazily. I need to imagine you in order to do the work that, ultimately, is always worth doing. Even though, admittedly, it's me I know it to be worth it for.

 

My dancing, however, is solitary. It is for me and me alone. I don't mind that others are often there, but their reactions to my dancing, if they choose to have them, are meaningless to me. The music, the movement, it brings me to the universe and brings the universe to me and though others are in the universe my dancing feels alone as a universe. You do not need to understand. I'm not concerned about whether others find it beautiful or important or intriguing. It is all those things for me and that's what it's for. It is a piece of me meant for me. 

 

As the song ended and my voice cracked and my breathing was kicked up a notch, I was happy.

 

I'm glad I'm no longer made so vulnerable by my writing that reactions to it feel like reactions to a raw exposed me.

 

I love that I still write to discover and share these pieces of me, and that I still care about my writing enough to want it seen as beautiful or important or intriguing. 

 

I love that I can dance. Wild. Loud. With no boundaries.

 

I'm happy that I'm able to celebrate and explore these pieces in a home that makes room for all of me. 

 

I hope I am doing the same for everyone in my world. Regardless of what their pieces look like or how strange they may seem to me, I hope I encourage growth, speech, individuality, and uniqueness. 

 

My mom taught us how to do that with my brothers, find a balance between precisely working on ourselves in consideration of others and the freedom of dancing with wild abandon for the sake of ourselves, and I hope I forever remember to do that for anyone around me.

 

I love, so much, that it is done for me. 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Beautiful, I Feel Ugly Today

 

Most of us have had those days, right? Our hair is flat or falling in a way we don't like, our skin has pimples or unappealing hairs in awkward places or too much flaky dryness or we noticed our teeth look particularly yellow, our bodies are bigger or smaller than we like and our clothes refuse to flatter us choosing instead to rebelliously call attention to the parts we are trying not to give attention to while doing their best to be a color that looks terrible on us, even if it looked good just two days ago. 

 

You know what I mean? Those days when we feel like being quiet and unseen and hopefully a shower and good nights sleep and a brand new outfit will make all the difference tomorrow. (Please say you know what I mean. It's not that I hope you also have days where you feel ugly, but I do hope I'm not so awkward and self-centered and silly that I'm the only one! tee hee!)

 

Now, think about those days. (Those of you that have them, and if none of you do well, um, I was just kidding? Giggle!) When you feel ugly, sort of hide, put your hand on offending blemishes and hairs, avoid standing out or apologize more than usual. These are days when we aren't actually ugly, just less physically falling together than other days. And yet much of our manner changes. And when these days last, more of our manner changes. Maybe we skip out on opportunities, putting them off till we look better. 

 

And our self-talk is influenced by our appearance, so on days we feel ugly we tend to tell ourselves we are ugly. Even though we aren't. Even if our outward appearance is not typically attractive, we are not ugly because of it. But when we feel ugly, we can begin to think we are ugly, and - sadly - sometimes we will treat ourselves and others around us in an ugly fashion.

 

Having days when we feel ugly is no big deal. Hardly worth bringing up. (And yet here we are. Here I go again. I love talking about nothing like it's something! It's my superpower.) 

 

But if days when we feel ugly can affect our choices, movements, and self-talk in these hardly worth talking about ways, imagine what feeling ugly every day can do? How integral to our self-talk and habits and even to our kindness it can be. 

 

When I was a teenager I felt certain that I was an ugly person. I worked my butt off to try and prove otherwise but was lost to know who I was trying to prove it to. I had no clue what the proof could possibly be but I wanted for it. I was cruel to myself and cruel to people closest to me. I didn't know it at the time, how cruel I was being. Well I knew some of it but not all of it. Then I spent a whole lot of years trying to put myself back together. To see myself as not an ugly person. Maybe instead as a beautiful one. 

 

We can't force people to believe they are not ugly. We can't make them know that - regardless of physical appearances - ugly is not something you are but someone you become. However, I honestly believe we can create an environment that encourages us to believe that. 

 

My youngest brother asks me what I think of his appearance often. He asks if I think he's handsome, if I think he looks young, if I think he looks cool. I always answer honestly (which is: yes he's a handsome fella!) and we always end up talking about the truth that most people who are willing to be decent to us and spend thoughtful time with us look good to us. And how we should probably remember to be decent to ourselves and spend thoughtful time with ourselves in order to look good to ourselves.

 

And I confess, when we've had these chats he tends to shine and look particularly physically handsome at the end of them. Smiling authentically and walking with his head up, he looks good. I think partly because he's feeling good. And all we did was spend some focused thoughtful time together. 

 

So when I have a day where I'm feeling ugly, I remember that it is not nothing. That I should be careful and kind with myself and not become ugly. Sure, I still try to stay in the background a bit and cover my chin hairs with my hand, but I also try to do what I can (like pluck those pesky chin hairs*) and work at not to being ugly to myself about who I am and how I look.

 

I remind myself of how handsome my baby brother looks when he walks away feeling comfortable and confident. I try to do that too.

And if I see an opportunity to do so, I try to reach out and be beautiful to someone. Helpful or available to listen. 

So if you or a loved one has one of those days when you feel ugly, that's beautiful. It's an opportunity to notice how you are affected and know that others around you might sometimes be making choices for similar reasons, so give them a little room to have an off day. Consider the challenge faced by people who are treated poorly, abused, pitied, and bullied because they are seen as physically ugly and make darn sure not to do that to anyone. It's uncomfortable enough to feel ugly, which most of us sometimes do I think. But to pile ugly treatment onto that is unnecessary (seriously, how does that help anyone?) and creates a thick layer of mean-fog that slows us from shining our brightest.

 

Maybe even, on a day where you feel ugly, appreciate that you are only having a day where you feel ugly rather than months or years. And try to keep it that way.

 

There is so much going on in the world - like, seriously, the list is endless! Having a day where we feel ugly is not important. 

 

But it's not not important either.

Because we are important. 

 

And we can be beautiful. Everyday, even when we feel ugly. As long as we don't allow ourselves to become ugly.

 

(If you read this and have never had a day where you feel ugly and it ends up affecting the way you behave then please feel free to comment with your secrets! Also, if nobody knows what I'm talking about that's because I made it all up and I'm totally kidding! ;D)

 

Happy Wednesday, friends!!

Here's to being beautiful even when we feel ugly!

*Raising my coffee mug*

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

*I am aware that chin hairs are not inherently ugly. I just don't like how they look or feel on me. So distracting! I spend half my time pulling at them with my fingers. But if you have them and are rocking them, that's fantastic! My example was a personal one. Also, here is a pic of me plucking my chin hairs. Also, why do I have a picture of me plucking my chin hairs? I'm weird. 

Autism Answer: Mental Health During this Pandemic – Three Indoor Tips for Growing Healthy from Inside to Out

May is Mental Health Awareness month. I encourage everyone to seek information that can stymie stigma and encourage personal mental health, always. But during an “awareness” month there tends to be a bit more, well, awareness! Hence May offers a timely opportunity and easier access to information.

I am not a mental health expert, but my mom (Dr. LynetteLouise, aka The Brain Broad) is. 

Firstly, I encourage you to read her books, watch her videos, listen to her music, and explore her articles, particularly if you or someone in your family has special needs or a disability. 

Secondly, though I am not an expert I am both a human during a challenging time, and a sister to people with autism and other mental health challenges. So though I am not qualified to counsel I do have pertinent experiences and insights to offer. And as a human during this challenging time and as a sister to people with mental health challenges I am compelled to share my tips in the hopes that it will help you, which in turn will help me and my family. After all, we all live together in this same world. Even when we see it and experience it so very differently.

I confess, I love chatting about tricks for personal mental health and happiness. I could (and will, given a chance!) discuss with you for hours various thoughts and habits and stories that shine new light, offer new perspectives, and plant nourishing healthy beliefs. But we are not together and cannot discuss.

So, here are three tips I can share easily. Though I do wish you were here to chat about it with me! We could discuss why I believe helping ourselves grow healthy on the inside will help our world when we go back to the outside. Anyway, three tips: 

1)   Bingeing on shows, books, songs: Right off the bat, I’m going to cheat. My mom wrote a brilliant and influential article published on BrainSpeak.com titled: Bingeing For Self-Improvement – I do hope you read it. In the article, she uses her expertise as an international expert as well as a mom. As her daughter, I grew up in a home that intuitively took seriously the art and stories we put in our brains. We chose our movies, shows, books, songs, and images with purpose and self-reflection. In such a diverse home as ours (my mom had eight kids; six were adopted, five had various cognitive challenges, four were on the autism spectrum, and all of us had unique personalities) it quickly became clear what was/is healthy for the brain of one person was not necessarily healthy for the brain of another. And, always, the individual doing the watching/listening has a responsibility to notice and choose how they receive what they put in and what they will allow. CONCLUSION: Choose what you watch, read, listen to, binge on always with purpose and self-reflection. But particularly now, as anxiety is prevalent. Although anxiety is not your friend you can use it in a healthy way. With worries top of mind, notice them. Explore them. Be purposeful and careful, do not wrap up and hide away because of them but, instead, see what it is they are telling you about you. Then watch, read, or listen to something that takes you in a healthy direction. You don’t

want to seek validation for your anxiety (don’t worry, you’ll find it anyway) but rather actions you can take to confront it, or even simply let it go.

2)      Intimacy with yourself. This is an excellent time to explore your own intimate self. Yes, I am hinting at sexuality and masturbation, but it can and should be part of a more all-encompassing intimacy. May is also national masturbation month. Orgasms are a healthy cost-free way of relieving stress, but sex can also be fraught with mental health barricades. Traumas, disabilities, worries, body image issues, there are so many vulnerabilities that we can’t ignore during sexual encounters. If you are at home with a partner, or alone, these issues can be explored. Be intimate, be purposeful, be inclusive, be curious, be gentle and patient. If you are only alone, use this time to truly know what pleasures you and why. Pay attention to your fantasies – do not judge them! – but certainly, ask yourself questions about them. Pay attention to what types of touch you like and don’t like. Wonder why. Practice asking for it. If you are with a partner, this can be done together I hope. Some of us, sadly, are alone with a cruel or abusive partner. (RAINN and other organizations are set up to offer help in these cases.) But even more of us that are alone with a partner could really spark healthy and important conversations and connections with careful considerate and intimate explorations. CONCLUSION: Touch yourself, touch your partner, and have the vulnerable naked conversations about sex and pleasure that perhaps you have avoided or never even considered. And if you are comfortable and able, share what you are learning with others. (The site SexualDiversity.org would love your stories!) People with disabilities are dangerously underrepresented in sexual literature and learnings, so I doubly encourage you to be brave and share. If you can. Firstly, work on yourself. ;D

3)      Trauma and Healing – this pandemic is causing trauma for many. And for those of us who are already trauma survivors it can be triggering as well. Also, many of our go-to healing activities have been taken off the table as options. For example, I go dancing. One of the things I do when I need to center and find my inner healthy connected-to-the-universe and valuable self, is go dancing. But all the clubs and dive bars are closed, rightfully so. Dancing at home is lovely and helps, but I don’t have a sound system that pulses the music into me the way it does at a bar. What I’ve done is switch it up a bit. I still use music and dancing, but instead of crawling inside the music and setting my body free, I'm surrounding myself with songs that bring me back in time and I am reliving my memories with purpose. Coloring them in with intention and love of self. This has helped me. I know you can do something similar. Reaching out to our support networks and healing activities may look different for now, but it is worth doing. Finding the different that helps you. Help your happiness and healing by finding new ways to balance your brain; using old tools or discovering completely untried ones. Now is a wonderful time to try things you put on a back burner for later, or even things you thought were silly. Perhaps you can make them not silly. Do them in a way that works for you. Yoga, guided meditation, dancing, singing, building, climbing trees. CONCLUSION: We can take care of our own mental health during this particularly challenging time even if our common helpers are not available to us or are only available in a different way. We also can still reach out to our networks of support. Our networks are also in need of support, and offering it is also healthy. Whether we offer it in the form of asking for them to be there for us, or in the form of being there for them, it is still a mutually beneficial relationship. Even if it must be remote, we can still be connected. 

These three tips are helping me during this strange time in our world. As I said, I am not an expert in mental health. At least, not in your mental health. But I am rather good at knowing how to help me and my family.

And since we are all one family right now, navigating this world at a unique and challenging time, I can’t help but want to share with you and to presume one or two things I have to offer will be helpful.

If we share our ideas and tips, we can build ourselves healthy from the inside out so that when we do go back more convincingly into the outside world, we can step out of our inside with a stronger mindset and healthy ideas.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Lucky and Intentional

I have been both lucky and intentional when it comes to creating and choosing my environment. It helps me have a happy, comfortable, engaging, and supportive life. 

However, the better I've gotten at insisting on this wonderful life I live, the farther away I've gotten from how hard it can be to do this.

Every now and then I find myself in a place with people who challenge that. A place with people where I am uncomfortable with myself, my skin is pin prickly with stress and worry about making a mistake or being a fool or not handling my people properly. In these moments and in these places I remember how challenging it can be. How hard it once was for me. How many people are still in that place where they have yet to find their own voice, their own value, their own ability to belong somewhere, however uniquely. I am reminded that it is not up to the place or people I am with to make me feel better, but that I can use these times to discover my own remaining issues. Sometimes my issues are simply that I disagree strongly with the place or people I find myself with and it is up to me to comfortably say no. Sometimes it is part of myself that I'm avoiding dealing with. Sometimes its a mix of many things. Always it reminds me that being overwhelmed with worry and stress and uncomfortable ME-ness creates an almost impossible situation to handle well.

And then I remember how long my road to not living that way more often has been. And then I remember that for many people, people who are more challenged or who have less support in their lives to begin with, this way of living seems inevitably forever. There are folks who not only live longer in a state of uncomfortable fear, worry, stress, anger, and overwhelm, but they don't always believe they have the ability or even the worthiness to change that.

I admit, I believe we can all become more "comfortable in our skin" as my mom famously says. But I also believe that for many, it is a longer road. And I even suspect that for some, being MORE comfortable in their skin is doable but consistently comfortable in their skin, less so. Either way, it can only happen if we believe in it, work toward it, and support those of our friends that are at the beginning of that journey when we ourselves are enjoying the fruits of our labor.

And it is for this reason that I truly appreciate those places and people I find myself almost painfully uncomfortable with. It brings back the feeling of the challenge. I know it can be hard, I say so often, but when I feel it I remember. I remember the all-consuming nature of it, I remember there's more to it than, "Perk up, don't let the judgments of others decide your beliefs about yourself, look on the bright side, love yourself...." yadda, yadda. Even though those are true and right. They mean more to us once we've gotten there, don't they?

I have been both lucky and intentional when it comes to creating and choosing my environment. It helps me have a happy, comfortable, engaging, and supportive life.

And when I hurt I am reminded of the reasons and ways I want to be patient and supportive while helping others find something similar. Their version of a happy, comfortable, engaging, and supportive life.

And, luckily, living my life out loud and sharing my thoughts and experiences with those close to me is one fun way to do that.

We learn together, we tell our version of things, we create environments we can thrive in.

And in my experinence, the whole dance goes really well with coffee!



Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Why Did I Say That?

Okay, we've all had those moments. Someone says something and we reply in a way we aren't too proud of. Or we find ourselves in a social situation without the right amount of coffee, maybe we're foggy headed or anxious, or both, and we do something we later (or immediately) regret. Some of us have this happen more often than others, but it happens to all of us.

We say something, or we don't say something, or we do something, and we spend the next (insert far longer time than we want to admit here) embarrassed or mad at ourselves. All the other things we KNOW we could have/should have done or said haughtily prance around in our brains! Overwhelming numbers of far more appropriate possibilities on display, only proving to ourselves that we KNOW better and should have DONE better!

We've all been there. We've all done this. We know it's relatable. Yet, when it happens, it still feels alone and yucky. Many of us still can't help but think: "Ya, but only I would do it that bad and say something that ridiculous in that type of situation this often."

Now, we all have our way of dealing with this sort of common "oops" moment.

When I was young, I just chose to use it as further proof that I am stupid and that I accidentally hurt or offend people with my stupid-ness and so I should just stay quiet. That was, ummmmm, unhelpful.

So now, I always remind myself to have fun imagining what people thought of me and my response. Rather than flog myself with imagining the horrible things they are thinking, rather than drown myself in only the possibility of me being stupid and accidentally cruel, I have fun. I'm kind to myself and to the other players involved.

For me, the best way to keep it fun and not turn it into an uncomfortable worrying about what they thought, is to remember that I actually have no idea. So I might as well make up all kinds of fun scenarios and possibilities! Also, people are mostly kind. Often they aren't bothering to think about how stupid I am because they are kinder than that. Also, they aren't really spending much time thinking about me anyway.

Once I have gotten the embarrassed feelings out of the way I have room to think about why I said what I said. There is always a why. Sure, I know better. Sure, I can do better. But in the moment I chose something even I don't like. Why?

Most of the time when I do this I simply see a challenge of mine that is still there. An issue I'm working on, no big deal really. We all have challenges. (Socially I am uncomfortable when I know my words and actions will reflect on a loved one, when I am volunteering at my son's school* or working for my sister or talking to a producer about my mom, etc., and often my nervousness about messing up will end up being the reason I do. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

*In fact, this post was born out of my experiences volunteering to work the concession stand at last month's highschool football home game while I mentally prepare for my turn volunteering at tomorrow's home game. :D 

But sometimes when I think about why I said or did the uncomfortable thing, I'll have a surprising epiphany about myself! An awkward moment where I say or do something I know was weird or unfair or inappropriate will reveal something about myself to me that I may not have known. These are magnificent moments, overflowing with potential for discovery! I exlore new ideas and become purposefully changed and more aware.

My best friend has anxiety issues and social encounters that go a little "wrong" can burrow in her brain and cause chaos in her thoughts for weeks. When she can't quite figure out how to stop perseverating over the issue she'll call me, knowing that I'm good for a laugh at least.

She knows how I solve that problem - by using my imagination much like she is, but by making the imaginings fun and kind - and she likes to tease me playfully for it. But she also appreciates it when I help by inventing stories for her. I know her well enough to make the stories fun and believable. But, at the end of the day, it's not that my trick works for her the way it works for me. In my friend's case, she's laughing and chatting about an issue with her best friend. A friend that doesn't attack anyone but prefers instead to invent kindness and good intentions all around. THAT'S what helps her.

I encourage you to have fun with your "Why did I say that?" moments, too! Perhaps inventing thoughtful stories in your head and then using the moment for self-discovery, as I do, will be fun for you. Perhaps calling a friend and talking it out is what will best work to keep you happy and confident.

Or do you have a fun tip you want to share with us? We have all been there! So there must be a neverending number of ways to healthily deal with this sort of "Oops!" moment. My favorite tips are the ones that step us into a kind, open minded, story-filled headspace.

And I know that's your favoirte type of tip, too.
Or maybe I imagined that....
tee hee!

Let's go out into the world and risk awkward social encounters so that we can imagine kind and fun possibliites about how they were recieved and understood!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Me and my youngest son at a football home game.

Autism Answer: Any Good Narcissist (Making My Bad Days Good For Me)

My oldest son; contemplating. www.fourbrothersoneworld.com

Yesterday was unusual; I felt curiously worthless. Today is far more common; I'm happily aware of my worth and comfortable. But because of yesterday, I'm also filled with purpose. I'm picking up a few pieces of me that I had been ignoring and avoiding. Yesterday was unusual, but I'm making sure it wasn't useless. 

We all have rough days. We all have days where we feel down about ourselves or uncertain of our value. Those days are likely more about our hormones or lack of sleep or a brain with too much delta where there should be beta, and less about who we are holistically. We can choose to "get through" those days, or take advantage of them. [The link I included with the delta/beta bit goes to Brain & Body, The Brain Broad's site that shares a bit more about neurofeedback and teaching our brains to change our lives.]

When I'm having an "I suck" day, my brain (as it is set up to do) looks for proof. Now, I have to be careful because generally that proof is bogus. But always it also points to something I've been ignoring, procrastination, avoiding, or simply wondering about; in or of myself or my life. 

So rather than just "getting through" the rough days, I try to use them. Like any good narcissist I make it all about me and my needs. tee hee!

I believe that yesterday was unusual because I respect and learn from my yesterdays. I make intentional decisions and clever deductions. I allow my brain to show me some of the proof for my worthlessness and then I purposely prove otherwise. 

No one is worthless. No one. I believe that so completely it then becomes easy to prove myself useful and of value. Even immediately after a rough day where my hormones or air pollution or lack of sleep made me feel otherwise. 

I encourage you to believe in the absolute value of everyone! It makes caring for yourself and others quite easy. Suddenly even the roughest days and strangest people have absolute worth absolutely worth seeking!

Yesterday was unusual; I felt curiously worthless. Today is far more common; I'm happily aware of my worth and comfortable. But because of yesterday, I'm also filled with purpose.

And the first thing I purposely wanted to do was share this with you!!

Thank you for being here, friends!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

*Author's Note: Please understand that I know narcissism is dangerous and not at all the same as putting yourself and your worth at the forefront of self discovery and self love. Narcissists don't practice caring about themselves or others. They care about power, winning, attention, etc. I was playful with the word in this post because sometimes people who do actively care about others and themselves worry about being self-centered or narcissistic. I think, though, that if we find ourselves caring about ourselves and others in a purposefully balanced way, we have proven we are not narcissistic. I'm not a doctor or diagnostician, just a mom and a writer and a thoughtful thinker, but there it is. One of my thoughts. Hugs!! 

Autism Answer: Naked

The other day I was chit-chatting and reminiscing with one of my adult sons. He's struggling lately with a strong discomfort around people outside of our family. He's tempted to allow his social anxiety to turn into social distaste and righteous anger at humanity. I get it, but I also know that it's not the best choice. Turning our fears and discomfort (largely because of feeling judged harshly) into harsh judgement isn't the healthiest recipe for happiness and helpfulness. So, we were talking about that. 

ME: Do you remember how much you loved people when you were little? You were the first to reach out and offer friendship to anyone, regardless of their age. Do you remember how happy you almost always were? 

ADULT SON: Sure, of course. But I was also always naked so it was easy. 

ME: (laughing heartily) Oh.... ya! (wiping tears and holding in pee) That's true! People sure did think I was weird letting you guys - especially you! - be naked all the time. But you liked it!! You were more comfortable! How could I not allow it?? 

Our conversation (and giggles) soon shifted from thoughts of living on a nudist colony to movies we want to write. Eventually I was able to bring us back around to our original topic (a trick that I've learned not to do if it can't be natural; my sons and I learn so much more when conversation is organic).

ME: You know, you don't have to be naked to find a way to tap into the part of you that can be comfortable. Remembering that being naked helped you when you were little is a clue: not dealing with that extra sensory discomfort made you free to be comfortable. Maybe take some time to figure out what your discomforts are now, and I'll help you choose which ones you can easily discard. Or "disrobe" if you will. 

ADULT SON: I get it, I get it. See if any of my discomforts are from rules made up by humans and not so much about me and who I am; who I want to be. See if I can just let some of the discomfort go. Stop caring about some of it.

ME: Yup! You got it! And, hey, if ya wanna be naked go to Europe. I saw whole families naked on the beach, comfortable and free. 

ADULT SON: Gross. 

Again, we laughed. 

We all have extra layers of discomfort. It helps to remind ourselves that some of those layers are completely unnecessary and worth discarding in order to get at the deeper discomforts with a little more ease. Once our worries and fears are completely naked they can look a little less intimidating. And we feel a little less encumbered. It becomes less overwhelming and more like a job that can get done. (Example: I used to think that I had to try to wear clothes that were nice, age appropriate, and if not flattering, at least not unflattering. But I found that so unnecessarily stressful! As soon as I let go of caring - even though I know there are people who do care and who do judge me because of it - every single day became far more comfortable.)

Honestly, most of my discomforts are rather silly! Beliefs I created so long ago they no longer are compatible with who I am today, so they sit there glitching my system. Once I see them for what they are, I can toss them out completely or give them a personalized upgrade. 

You don't have to get naked friends (although, you can!) but it is a good idea to let go of the stuff that doesn't truly matter to you as much as it seems to matter to the community around you, so that you can clearly see the stuff that truly does matter to you. The stuff that makes you proud, nervous, comfortable, uncomfortable, happy, content. Then, upgrade and update when necessary. Undress or dress up as desired. 

Have fun peeling those layers, friends!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

The stories and thoughts in my book are quite naked and a little self-conscious but mostly comfortable. Have a peek!