Autism Answer: Parenting is a Journey, be a Good Traveler

 

My son walking with his cousin

"A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving." ~Lao Tzu

 

Parenting is a journey you cannot fully plan, and if you try to stick religiously to a plan, you put yourself and your child(ren) in harms way. It is dangerous to watch the plan more than the people. 

 

Of course, goals and plans and places you are heading are a valuable part of the parenting journey. Without them we are at risk of simply wandering the path of least resistance regardless of how unhealthy it might be, or for people with an "it must be hard work to be worthy" personality, you might choose the path of most resistance, again, regardless of how unhealthy it might be. 

 

"A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving." ~Lao Tzu

 

The journey of parenting has no *fixed* plans. But plans, dreams, ideas, goals, pictures imagined and heading toward, these are wonderful. These give us passion, purpose, and help us see our progress, recognize our arrivals. 

 

"A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving." ~Lao Tzu

 

As a parent, there are many arrivals. There are many moments to celebrate and recognize. Don't miss those! 

 

But also, in the journey of parenting, there is no ultimate arriving. If our children are fairly regular, fairly irregular, dead or alive, close or far, the travel can last as long as it is right for it to last, so do not be intent on arriving. Notice the arrivals along the way, celebrate and remember them. But travel to wherever and however and for whatever time it takes.

 

“Remember, the timetable is arbitrary. There is no point at which a child must be done and done is an illusion.” ~Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad 

 

Happy Tuesday, friends!!!

Enjoy any and all travels you are in the midst of!

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

 

 

Autism Answer: We Used To Live Here

We Used To Live In This RV

We used to live here. For a little over a year, this RV was our home.

And what a year!!

Life was getting heavy. My four special needs brothers were learning nothing in school except what it feels like to be bullied by teachers and peers. They were also deciding whether or not they wanted to be the kind of men who hide from or become bullies themselves. I was a single mom of two, pregnant with my third, and trying to work enough to pay some bills (while living with my mom and brothers) but not so much that I couldn't be with my children. Also, I was in the USA without a green card or visa or any other legal way to work. My mom was deeply loving all of us while trying to show us how to live healthy, happy, successful lives. 

So, she pulled my brothers out of school and invited me and my small sons to join her on an adventure of epic proportions!

Armed with ideas and a used RV (purchased for us by a friend of mom's as a donation to our cause) we purged our belongings and kept only necessary items (interestingly, that included a trampoline which we shoved into the non-working bathroom) and climbed anxiously and excitedly aboard our new home. Eight of us living in a small RV.

The heaviness of life immediately lifted. 

Mom and I worked together to teach my brothers the important things that school was not teaching. Social skills and academics were learned rather quickly when my brothers were not being pushed around in an education system that made a small amount of sense on paper but was entirely unfit for real people. We drove around the country, financially poor but freedom rich, stopping often to soak in new sights (and work on the problem of affording fuel).  

My mom had also purchased timeshares from a company that had several resorts we were able to visit. It was brilliant! We had a place to go where we always felt welcome and fancy. That's one of the main jobs of hotels and resorts, and so we took clever advantage! A family like ours was unused to feeling welcome or fancy, but after that year we began to believe we deserved it. 

And, of course, we did! 

I have no idea how my mom managed to pull off that year of vacation style living. Sure, we were living a life of minimal expense and simplicity, but it still cost money. Food isn't much available for free (no matter how willing you are to forage) and gas, timeshare fees, camping grounds, etc. had to be figured out. So my mom worked from the road. Offering her services as a freelance comedian, therapist, writer. She made it happen. Still, I don't know exactly how. I do know that my entire family was able to grow healthy, strong, and smarter because of all the things it taught us. 

Not least of all: that my mom found a way to pull it off! 

Always, when my mom feels strongly that a thing is right to do, she does it. Even if it's impossible. Me and all seven of my siblings are freaking lucky because of that.

Of course, it also leaves us little room for excuses. Me and my siblings know that we're lucky there too, having learned to get busy creating answers rather than collecting excuses. But, darn it! Sometimes we just want to use excuses! tee hee!

Eventually, just after my third son was born, my mom found an affordable home, hiding in the woods in the middle-of-nowhere Texas. Again, it was perfect! (Again, I don't know how she pulled it off.) We had freedom, hidden away from neighbors, but we also had a community. A place to practice the skills we'd been learning on the road and where we could grow some roots. 

It worked. My sons (I now have four, and met my husband of seventeen years here!) grew up in this small Texas town. They know it as home. 

But they have also learned much from the life we lived in the RV, even though they don't truly remember it and some of them weren't even born yet. They have learned because I bring to our family the things I learned. 

This was our home in the woods. My sons lived here for most of their childhood. It was wonderful!

Choose your life, friends. Don't be afraid to make seemingly strange choices. Not if they feel right for your family. And remember that a big choice brings big lessons, but doesn't have to last forever, though the lessons will. 

When it doesn't feel right anymore, shift. Change. Do something new. 

And when you feel like making excuses, remember my mom. Remember that she always finds a way to do the impossible if she believes it's right. 

Then, go ahead and blame her for that annoying knowledge that you can do it too.

Then, thank her. 

And do it too! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)
____________________________________________

My mom is now an international brain change expert and renowned speaker. Her international reality series FIX IT IN FIVE with LYNETTE LOUISE aka THE BRAIN BROAD airs on The Autism Channel and can be purchased via Vimeo on Demand. 

 
Visit my mom's websites:

Lynette Louise (The Brain Broad)
Brain and Body


*Mom sold the RV to a local mechanic and it's still there now. I took the above picture after picking my youngest son up from high school yesterday.

Autism Answer: Empty Seats

This photo is called: 

Empty Seats

 
What I see: 

I see empty seats. I look at this picture and see the empty seat beside me. Then I remember talking to myself while trying to take this selfie so I could show my son that I'm thinking of him. I see the empty seat beside me and then I notice my activist wristband with the cool and clever symbols, symbols of things I try to teach my sons. Peace, love, anarchy, happiness.

Then I see the empty seat again. My son, Shay, almost always comes with me to pick his brother up from school and he sits in that seat. But he's not here right now, he's traveled to California to help my mom out for a few weeks. His first long distance trip alone and I love that he's experienced it! I miss him and I'm happy. I see the empty seat and I wonder if he knows how much space he takes up in my hopes and heart. I imagine all the ways that this trip might be a catalyst for the next phase of his life, an opportunity to know himself better and to know his uncle better and to have such fun with his Dramma while feeling, also, independent. I miss his sensory stim and consider squishing my own cheeks.

My eyes are then drawn to the other empty seats behind me. I see emptiness but feel fullness. Noise, fights, laughter, rock n' roll, and horrible amounts of junk food with weak justifications fill my memory when I see those empty seats. 

I see empty seats and a mom who holds on while she lets go. She's almost afraid not to see the empty seats because then she'll see herself. Not that she doesn't like herself, not at all! She adores who she is! She finds it funny that she rarely remembers to brush her hair and has to keep elastics on her wrist for constant ponytails that hide this laziness. It's just, well, she's still more comfortable seeing herself among her people, as who they are together, and the newness of herself surrounded by empty seats is alarming with it's potential. Potential is delightful but it's also a transition that requires choices. Choices she's already explored and knows will make her comfortable with empty seats. She's not ready to be comfortable with empty seats. Soon, though. Quite soon. 

Because I also see a picture of me, and I have always been comfortable with being comfortable. I have also always loved being alone. And I have always loved to see empty seats only to fill the meaning of them up with feelings from myself. 

When I look at this picture I see empty seats that I fill in with feelings. 

I'm not sure what you see when you look at this picture. Of course, if I had to guess I'd say you see a lady taking a picture of herself. Did I guess right? Spooky! tee hee!

The Point Is: 

When we see people and their pictures we have every right to interpret and imagine the meaning. Indeed, the beauty of images is interpreting and imagining and feeling and remembering and listening to ourselves as we do. But I think it's important to keep in mind that we don't know the story of other people and their pictures. We only know what the pictures mean to us. We only know our own evolving story. And even our own is oddly mysterious. 

We can have such fun exploring our pictures together! Remembering our reasons and laughing at our permed hair and wondering what happened to those jeans with the cool pockets. 

It is a picture of a lady taking a selfie in her car.

But it's more than that, too. 

Taking snapshots and exploring the stories of them, with open minds and a sense of humor, is a fun way to connect and stay in touch with our undercurrent of sameness. The part where our pictures all come down to feelings and hopes and loves and loss and funny hairdos. 

For me, anyway, it's a fun way to fill those empty seats. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Shay getting on the Greyhound.