Autism Answer: Sibling Coffee & Conversation Success!

My youngest brother called asking if he could store an extra mattress here at our mom's house (where I stay) because there was no room for it in his apartment. I said no problem, and heard him coming up the driveway about an hour later. 

After putting the mattress away he asked if he could please clean something for me, because he wanted to show his appreciation. Again, I said no problem!! Or, maybe I sang it! tee hee!

Soon after, we sat for coffee and conversation. He said to me,"You know what I used to think? That other people were more successful than me because they were born with normal brains and have nicer cars and better jobs. But after what you told me, I know that's not true."

"What did I tell you?" I asked, knowing the millions of things my mom and I have told him over the years to help him see success differently, and wondering how he had finally understood it.

"You know, that us brothers have worked really hard and have come really far, and that we have been able to help other people by sharing our story. And about how success is working hard and being happy, not having a good car or a normal brain."

Not to shabby! "Well said," I admitted,"there's nothing wrong with going after money, smarts and cars that don't break down--they make life easier. But they aren't proof of success. Seeing your value and being willing to share your skills with others, being happy and working hard--what mom helped you guys learn to do so well!--is your proof of success."

We were happy and quiet for a minute. Then I couldn't help but add,"Of course, I sure am going to keep going after the stuff that makes it easy! I want to be able to travel and see everybody in the family without worrying about how to afford it!"

We raised our cups of coffee and agreed, successfully, on that point!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Me and Rye

 

Autism Answer: The Gift of a Challenging Celebration!

Fireworks, food and fun! July 4th can be a true challenge for our ASD kids; special diets--surrounded by offerings of GMO and dairy filled treats!-- sound sensitivities, social fears and more. It can be tempting to stay home and watch America's independence celebrated on TV, and for some of us that is the right choice. But for most of us the challenges are wonderful, rarely offered learning opportunities! 

If we take advantage of the mostly celebratory, happy moods of strangers, the openness to chatting that happens when families and neighbors gather to remember and feel pride in our Country, we can teach our kids, ourselves and our neighbors a lot!

It's important to remember the real challenge for your autistic loved one and plan the outing with kindness, asking them to meet you half way. Suggestions like "If you stay with us without getting angry or hitting yourself for one hour, I will allow you to have a soda." and positioning yourself in the most likely to succeed area etc... can make the day a wonderful opportunity for success and fun!! For some of us success will be stepping out onto your balcony with blankets and an agreed upon deal to stay out there for twenty minutes, and for others it will be going to a block party with sparklers, fireworks and friends. Just because success doesn't always look the same, doesn't mean it isn't there or that it doesn't always look good!

Independence Day is about celebrating an idea. An idea that we all deserve freedom and equal rights. That we should be responsible for ourselves and have the freedom and rights to make choices and do what we feel is best. I can't imagine a better celebration challenge!!! 
I'm looking forward to a fabulous and fun challenging celebration this July 4th!! I bet you are too!

Hugs, smiles and love!!

My autistic brother, Dar
Enjoying a challenging celebration!

Autism Answer: Technology's Gift for Parenting Success!

*Authors Note: I originally published this on my Empower Network blog: Positioning for Parenting Success with Tsara Shelton, but the content really matches us here at Autism Answers as well, so I thought it would be fun to share!! Hugs!!

Technology is teaching us something.

My mom travels the globe as a mental health expert, working successfully with children and adults who suffer from all sorts of challenges. Autism, ADHD, depression, anorexia, Parkinson’s, Tourette’s, addiction, seizure disorders and so much more. Her tools of change are neurofeedback (biofeedback for the brain), intentional play and family dynamics teachings. Families are gifted enormously when she teaches intentional play and family dynamics. They learn to understand the physical pathways and patterns in their brains–and habits which are grown–based on feedback from friends, family and environment. They learn the power of intention and attitudinal shifts.

But with the addition of a impressive technology, neurofeedback, they learn all of that and it gets to be almost easy.

There are many reasons why. As a brainiac my mom (and millions of other experts and clinicians like her) understands and encourages the growth of neuronal pathways for a more balanced brain. This, in turn, helps a person feel focused and comfortable. There are more reasons as well. But the one I want to highlight here is no judgement.

The neurofeedback computer doesn’t judge, it only offers feedback in the form of beeps. For people with social challenges and other mental health issues, technology can become their greatest teacher. It doesn’t judge and isn’t impatient. It is consistent.

As we position for parenting success by make money from home with Empower Network, let’s remember that technology’s gift is in it’s consistency and non-judgmental attitude. And let’s remember to take advantage of that!

Post and market consistently! Don’t worry about judgement, and don’t force your own on others! Stay excited and curious. Keep a vision of yourself and your family being who you love being and making money with ease held clearly in your mind. Don’t hope for it, go for it!

A fabulous byproduct of this kind of thinking will be happiness and dreaming big and believing big in your home.

Now that’s positioning for all kinds of success!!

Thanks for the lovely lesson technology! Keep on consistently reminding us!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!

Autism Answer: Highlighting what we like

My friend and I were chatting about our kids--who are all teenagers now. We both have boys who absolutely love it when we play with their hair. We also each have one son who loves it when we play with their hair, but doesn't love to wash their hair.

Here's a snippet of our conversation: 

MY FRIEND: I don't want to tell him he's gross or make him feel self-conscious, but it is my job to teach him. I try to tell him in the nicest way, and I compliment his hair when it's clean. But man... it sure isn't working. We've been at this for years!

ME: Ya, I get it. With my kiddo I just started getting all excited to play with his hair every time it was clean. I started asking randomly,"Is your hair clean? Because I feel like playing with your hair and it feels so soft on my fingers when it's clean!" I just sort of ignore it when it's greasy unless he asks me. And then I only play with it for a few moments, with love but without excitement. It seems to be working. He washes his hair far more often now!

MY FRIEND: Huh. I'm going to try that.

ME: Cool. Want more coffee?

I'm no smarty-pants parenting expert, but in highlighting and celebrating the things I like when playing mom, I have noticed that my house is happier and my boys tend to respond quicker.

Also, I've noticed that my friend and I sip more coffee! Because I highlight it! Because I really like it!! tee hee!

Hugs, smiles and love!!

Autism Answer: Together again

Last night my sister came over to my mom's house with her two oldest girls. I haven't seen my nieces in almost a year! We were ecstatic and silly and so, so happy!!

The house was filled with mismatched noises and mess. There were people everywhere and the sounds of cousins getting to know each other again, swapping cool points and showing off new haircuts, deepened voices and belief systems.

My thirty-two year old autistic brother and my fifteen year old autistic son enjoyed hours together in the pool. Far enough from the noise not to be attacked by it, and close enough to remain part of it.

I laughed with and hugged my sister with gusto. My mom and one of my sons hung out in the kitchen cooking. If a stranger were to look around they may wonder who belonged to whom, different colors and styles make you want to match one with another, but the obvious comfort level of everyone with everyone means we must all belong to each other. And we do!!

My oldest niece, who is very nearly thirteen, just kept on randomly exclaiming,"I love our family!" Without question she was voicing how every one of us was feeling.

Summer holidays are a magical time for us. They give us an opportunity to see that we truly do walk our talk. We truly are a family of acceptance, difference, happiness and celebration. We truly do share our ideas and challenge each other with curious passion and love.

And every single one of us truly hopes to see more and more of that in the world, and willingly shares those hopes with volume and honesty. Raw and often seen by others as strange and perhaps a little bit crazy, we know that we are okay with that. We know, crazy or not... here we are!

Thank-you friends for being here too!!
Hugs, smiles and love!!

Autism Answer: Know and be comfortable with your WHY

I have been appreciating autism for teaching me to find--what my mom calls--my why. When we're having a hard time teaching our kids to do something, like sleep in their own beds for example, Autism insists we ask ourselves...why? Why am I teaching this? 

Often the answer is because that's what kids are supposed to do in which case maybe we should re-evaluate our efforts. Other times it's because I strongly believe we all need privacy at some point in every day in which case knowing our why will give us a renewed energy for our efforts and we become much more consistent. 

Thanks to autism I have learned to sit back and discover my why in every other aspect of my life. I want that job. Why? My kids need school. Why? I want to lose ten pounds. Why? And so much more. What a wonderful difference it has made!! My choices are entirely my own, made with intention and an excited energy! 

One of the many examples of how autism asks challenging questions, begs us to think outside the box and then... Autism Answers!

Hugs, smiles and love!!

Autism Answer: Sometimes it's okay not to say it

Well friends, we made it!!! The Greyhound bus trip from Dallas, TX to Los Angeles, CA with Declyn and Shay was fabulous! We read together, sang together, snuggled and chatted. Shay (my chit-chatting-question-asking-socially-funny fifteen year old) met a few fun folks on the bus and filled them in on all his dreams and beliefs. Lucky them!!

I got to my mom's home in Cali where my two oldest sons, Jory and Tyran, are living. I hugged them so tight. I held them so long. I inhaled their energy and admired their masculinity and kindness.

There are no words for how filled with happiness and love I feel, being here with all four of my boys. All four brothers, together and filling each other in on life, loves and new ideas. The sounds, the laughter, the song sharing and video game chatter... I don't understand all of it, but I crave more and more.

There are not words. And so I won't try to say it. My boys can feel it and I can feel it. Why waste time trying to say it?

A nice reminder I think for all of us! Work on communication and clarity, but never forget to take the time to be and feel! Enjoy the search for the right words and understandings, but always center yourself and your family by sitting in the comfort of companionship and love!!

Though.... honestly, I feel so awesome right now I do wish I could find some words to truly share it with you!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!!