Autism Answer: Exploring Memories

A MEMORY: I’m sitting in my hot car outside of the high school. The music is on and I’m singing my heart out to Heaven On Their Minds from Jesus Christ Superstar, my windows open and my eyes closed to better get lost in the lyrics. Also, closing my eyes is easier than apologizing to my unfortunate audience of other parents in cars, waiting for the kids to be dismissed. Of course, unlike me, they have left their cars and air conditioning running so their windows are closed. I feel a little bit good for the environment simultaneously as I’m bad for the ears.

I’m pulled suddenly out of my headspace by a tap on the shoulder. It’s a dad to one of the girls my gay son (not yet out of the closet) is dating. We laugh for a minute about my singing when he asks curiously, “So, what do you think of this relationship our kids are in?” It’s a legitimate question. His daughter, my son, and one other girl have decided to all date each other. They hold hands and sneak off into the woods to smooch. “Hey, it’s working for them. They seem happy.”

My answer is careful, I don’t know this man well. He shrugs. “As long as my daughter isn’t dating one of those black boys, you know?”

I’m uncomfortable, of course. “You know that my husband is black, right?” I’m trying to keep the mix of anger, fear, hurt, and confusion from my voice.

“Oh, that’s different. I’m talking about these black boys, not your husband.”

I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to be put in the position of having to know what to say. I just want to live somewhere else where people don’t call them black boys and they turn off their cars because they care about the environment. His judgment breeds my own.

A MEMORY: My friend and I are sitting beneath the stars sipping coffee. The breeze is delicious and the coffee refreshing and our conversation nourishing. I’m on a roll, talking about how lately I’m beginning to see the value of impatient reactions. How sometimes an issue needs to be obnoxiously shoved to get it out of the deep rut it’s been stuck in. I barely mention the Black Lives Matter movement when my friend interrupts angrily. “That movement makes me so angry… all lives matter…why do they think violence is the way….so don’t act like that if you want to be treated fairly…not all of them but when they get together…sure, it used to be bad for them but now it’s not…they are erasing all the good work…”

I love, love, love my friend, but I don’t agree with almost anything she has said. Yet, I listen. I remember, even, thinking similar things myself once upon a time. Then I assert my view. I take my time sharing how I see it, not shying away or shoving my ideas at her. We never agree on this issue, but we have things to think about that night.

I have an endless list of memories that have reminded me to speak out, to be forgiving, to listen and learn.'

The more I open myself up to these learnings the more I want things to change while I also feel comfortable with the truth that change is a constant; there is no finish line.

A MEMORY: I am reminded of a conversation I had with my niece. She is pansexual and my son is gay. Labels that, themselves, prove a problem: the problem of wanting labels to explain people.

We were talking about the lack of representation in film. She complained that when they do include LGBTQ storylines, the sexuality is used as a plot device.

“I hear you,” I agreed. “But I admit to doing it myself, in my screenplay CARHOPPING. The thing is, we’re still at a place in society where the issues that come up when using it as a device need to be acknowledged and respected. The struggles and situations that we experience in a society that chooses to marginalize and abuse the LGBTQ community are worth exposing. But I do agree with you. If TV and film represented all communities as though they are already accepted and expected, if we tell stories with the assumption of acceptance, the world will follow faster. The characters will just be who they are and the stories won't be about fighting for that right or struggling with the lack of it.”

Most of our important shifts - as individuals and as communities - are a result of listening to and learning from diversity and perspectives different from our own. For too long we didn't seek these perspectives purposely. We fought them.

Now, though, we have access to films, books, articles, videos, from all over the spectrum of humanity! I encourage us to take advantage of that!!

Let's purposely experience foreign films and books written by people drastically different from ourselves!

AND WE CAN REVISIT OUR MEMORIES: Those times when we were offered a foreign idea or opinion, or when we ourselves were foreign.

We have so much already within us and offered to us. If we aren't in the mood to reach out we can reach in.

BONUS: Memories don't rely on technology or money. Plus, they don't have commercials and they rarely spam you! tee hee!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Have a peek inside my book of moments and memories!

Autism Answer: Nature's Feedback

"When I spend time in nature there is nothing telling me I can be more beautiful, more successful, more intelligent, more appropriate, more relevant. I just am." ~Me 

Everywhere we look, everywhere we listen, there are billboards, commercials, literature, and story topics telling us "Seven Tips For Being Better At This" and "Ten Ways To Look More Beautiful Like That" and "Become More Successful By Doing These Things" or "Be Like These Smart Famous People With These Five Changes" or "Know Your Worth With This Trending New Thing" and "Find Happiness By Doing This." So, everywhere we look, everywhere we listen, we're being told we can be better, it's assumed we want to be better, we're told what better is. 

There are many ways I've learned to mostly quiet the noise and, instead, know that I am better and that I am successful and that I am continuing to grow ever more so as I live my life with love, purpose, and an open mind.

But nothing is quite as quick and healing for me as nature. The entire sensory experience reminds me that I am enough. That I am no more and no less relevant or successful or beautiful or appropriate than I need to be. My habits and quirks fit just fine. My looks are equally uninteresting and perfect. I breath, experience, and contribute to the surroundings successfully. It's quite simple, really. I am there and I am alive and I am thoughtful. My intelligence isn't questioned. The trees, the birds, the snakes, the spiders, the weeds, the seeds and fruits don't ask me to explain. My mind wanders and I know enough; am smart enough. If a trick of nature captures me unaware and I am hurt of killed it is not a waste, I am not a waste. I remain part of the story. Beautiful enough, successful enough, relevant, and intelligent. 

I don't expect nature to do all of this for everyone, of course. But I do hope with all of my heart that everyone has a place where they get all of this. For me it's nature (and dancing). For you, perhaps, it's building or cooking. Singing or golf. 

But if you don't have something or somewhere that consistently gives you this feeling, this "you are absolutely completely perfectly more than enough" feeling, then I encourage you to find it. 

For me it's nature and dancing. 

Feel free to try starting there! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!! 
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

NOTE: I invite you to enjoy this video where I sit in one of my favorite sneaky outdoor spots (a surprisingly wild area just behind my home) and tell a story/poem. The story itself is a tribute to both nature and stories. Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

 

Autism Answer: The Pursuit of "Meaningful Work"

Author's note: So, this post was inspired after I kept trying to comment on this other post, The Problem With Meaningful Work, by Bassam Tarazi. My comment kept disappearing, and I decided instead to write something I could share here with you! xoxo

When I was young I believed that I (and others) should only pursue "meaningful work"... and that any job or volunteering I did should always be part of an attempt to "do good" in the world, or "make a difference".

Growing up I watched my mom always, always, always include inspiration, behavior insights, creative ideas, honest revelations, and even brain science with a message into everything she did. Everything. And so I believed that whatever I did with my life would only be worthwhile if it was "important" and "inspiring".

Then, I grew-up. And I was introduced to reality. 

I found myself needing to pay bills, find housing, make supper. I watched my brothers struggle to hold onto any job, let alone a "meaningful" one. I worked with mom to find new and creative ways to teach my most disabled brother how to not eat all of the butter in every building we entered, and how to talk, and how to take a fair share of the food--not how to find a meaningful job. I met and married a man who spent his days working on cars, or maintaining machinery at a glass factory, and no matter how many times I asked if his work felt meaningful, he answered honestly and without hesitation,"Yes."

So now I still believe that I should pursue "meaningful work". But I also understand that meaningful work is something different for everyone, that it has no specific truth or guidelines.

My sister's meaningful work includes financial success and running a business with her husband, donating to causes, being able to afford classes and educational experiences for her daughters and taking comfortable, quality time talking deeply and honestly with them. My meaningful work includes helping my husband move cars and car parts, writing ideas and inspired thoughts down and then publishing for a world I hope to learn and connect with, revealing personal vulnerabilities and mistakes as a reminder to always grow and accept, being an active and available listener for my sons when they need to bounce ideas or heartbreak hurts around, looking for lessons and support. My sister and I are both doing different "meaningful work"... but we are both doing it!

There really is no specific or right definition of "meaningful work". So I went ahead and made one up for myself!

"Meaningful Work encourages you to discover and explore your ideas, talents, and beliefs. It is something that helps you feel and live your own value with such abundance that it can't help but spill over onto anyone connected to you!!" ~ME

I like my definition, because it's inclusive. No matter who you are, regardless of race, religion, ability, sexual orientation, legal status, health, educational background, physical appearance, or financial independence and/or success, you can pursue meaningful work! 

Both you and the world will be so glad you did!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton

Autism Answer: Know Your Audience (clue: it's the world!)

*Author's Note: I wrote this a few years ago, when blue was a consistently common color in autism literature. I've noticed that it's not as true anymore. It seems we've gotten much more colorful with autism banners and such. I like colors!!

Shay was sprawled on the ground messing with his electric train. I was cooking supper nearby and we were enjoying some silent together time. Suddenly, Shay looked up at me. 

Shay: Remember how my favorite color has always been blue?
Me: Of course sweetie.
Shay: Do you think it has something to do with my autism?
Me: I don't think so. I don't see why it would. (I was, however, thinking about the trains he's so obsessed with, but anyway....)
Shay: I was just wondering because lots of the autism stuff I see is blue.

It was a nice little reminder to always keep in mind that the world is our audience. Not just parents, kids, adult autistics, verbal special needs, black, gay, scared of spiders or all of the above... but everyone! I've got nothing against the color blue for autism--actually, it's supposed to be calming which is lovely!--but it was a nice little reminder that anything I say should be something I'm comfortable with no matter whose eyes or ears they reach. Intentional or not!

Declyn was peeking in the fridge, looking for a snack. I asked him if he wanted to bake some Gingerbread with me.

Declyn: Ooooohhhh ya! You and me make the best gingerbread. And it's organic!
Me: Okay, we'll make it but only if you promise to eat most of it. I don't want to get any fatter. Your dad might stop loving me!
Declyn: Okay, I'll eat it all!!
Me: (realizing my mistake) No way! I was just kidding, I want half of it!! Your dad loves me because of who I am, not because of how much space I take up! I'm going to make coffee, it'll go good with my half of the gingerbread.

Not only is it important to remember that our audience is the world, and that we are teaching an attitude with our message, but also to be comfortable seeing our mistakes and changing direction. We are all guilty of stereotyping, making judgments, and offering biased, uneducated opinions. That's okay, as long as we are also guilty of changing our minds, and willingly learning from our lives and the lives of others, so we can see when and where we've had our "oops" moments!

Without question, our lives are much more interesting and inspiring when we offer "deleted scenes" and "bloopers" to our audience!

Have a wonderful, say what you're happy with the world hearing, kind of day!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers

Autism Answer: The Dead Cow

One of my sons had a very emotional and sad moment last night. We were driving home when he asked me if it was okay for him to cry. I gave him comfortable permission and drove for a while to the sound of his hurt.

As we neared the house I got his attention by asking,"Hey, hon. You know that dead cow we're about to pass on the side of the road?"

He sniffled a bit, "Ya. So."

"Well, I have an analogy for you. Do you want to hear it?"

"Sure."

"Kay. Remember how the dead cow was so stinky and gross, and we had to roll up our windows and pass it while holding our breath and trying not to look because it made us uncomfortable to see death and vultures? And then after a few days we could still smell it a bit, but we became more interested in looking and talking about what we thought was happening and how long we thought it would take for the earth and other critters to be nourished? And then the smell was gone but the cow was still partially there, so we would get excited to see how much was left and we wondered if the vultures were taking bits and pieces home to their babies? And now we almost forget to look because it's been a while, but we still know and learned and it's become something that we all experienced, but now we're more interested in other things?"

"Yes." My son admitted quietly. His head was still buried in his hoodie, but he had stopped crying and was really listening.

"Well," I explained, "That's kind of like the situation you're in right now with your friends. What happened was hard for everyone, it was an event that everyone felt uncomfortable with and their feelings got stirred up and everyone did things before figuring out even what they wanted to do. And now, it's something that you will all learn from and can choose to discover answers that feel nourishing and will help you know what to do in similar situations down the road. And, like the dead cow, it's not bad or good--just part of life. Soon you won't really even remember it, and neither will your friends. But it will always have happened and always offer lessons and insights. Important ones, even. Does that make sense?"

"Ya, I get it."

My son sat alone in the van for thirty minutes after we got home. I heard him crying and talking to himself. Eventually he came inside and told me,"Mom. I figured out my lesson. When I have kids, I'm going to always ask them if they are comfortable going somewhere, instead of telling them if they should be comfortable or not. Like you do. I'm going to take care of my kids like you take care of us. That's my lesson."

I would love to go and thank that dead cow. He has nourished so much and so many, and helped me plant a seed that is already blossoming beautifully!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

My darling boy.

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This piece appears in my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up, along with many more stories of forever discovering who I am while exploring my relationships with the people I'm surrounded by. I invite you to read the book while sipping coffee with the people you're surrounded by! It's totally a coffee and conversation kind of book. Hugs! ~Tsara