Autism Answer: How Our Kids Are Doing In School Is Not How Our Kids Are Doing

REMINDER: Our children's grades do not tell us how our children are doing. They tell us how our children's grades are doing. 

Sure, they are worth chatting about with our rugrats but good grades do not equal doing good, or vice versa. 

Often I hear parents ask each other: "How are the kids doing?" And far too often I hear a quick response that is some version of: "Great! She's in honor roll this year." or "Awesome! He's finally getting his school work in on time and bringing up his grades." or "Struggling. Her teachers tell me that she doesn't really apply herself or do the work." 

My hope is that we parents will remember to pay attention to how our kids feel about school and what they're actually learning, but we'll easily know that how they are is not about grades. Their grades do tell us a story about our children, they give us an idea of what they struggle with and care about and what their motivators are. But the grades aren't about HOW they're doing. Sure, most of us kind of "get" that but we're losing our grip on how true it is. 

When we run into old friends at the grocery store and they ask: "How are the kids doing?" I hope we'll easily respond with some version of: "Great! She's really into this new idea she has about writing the story for a video game." or "Awesome! He's been telling me all about why he wants to build Eco friendly buildings in busy American cities." or "Struggling. She feels confident about her ideas most days but struggles to like herself. We'll get there though. School is helping, she has a great group of friends and a supportive counselor." 

Some of our children go to school, so ignoring their grades or teacher reports would be silly. But their grades do not tell us how they're doing. 

Our children do. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Friday Night Lights

Author's Note: I wrote this Saturday morning as a status update on my Facebook page. As I mention on my comments page, my blog posts mostly begin there, where I encourage questions or comments that help me tweak it, and then I bring the post here. So, ya, it's a Friday night story, written on a Saturday, posted here on a Sunday. But, who's keeping score? tee hee!
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I stood alone leaning on the fence, watching last night's football game. It was a home game and our team was winning. 

Behind me several tweens ran around flirting and playfully threatening to post videos of each other online. It was cute, but I also recognized the very real on edge feeling of that age. They were all doing a dance, wanting to stand out but knowing the danger of missing a step or tripping over themselves entirely, and so the underlying tension was visceral to me. 

My seventeen year old son, who no longer attends this high school because the social aspect was too visceral for him, stood on the bleachers, chatting with old friends and buying them snacks. "You shouldn't be buying friends." I mentioned good naturedly at one point. "I'm not buying friends," he explained. "I'm buying friendship." Aaahhhh, I see! We had a laugh and he headed back to his happily munching on nachos group of friendships. 

Then it was time for the performance I had come for. The whole reason I had happily forked out money to get into a game I don't particularly enjoy or understand. The Marching Band Halftime Show!!

I could rarely pick my youngest son out, there were a few other trumpet players and they do move around, but I could dance to the sounds in celebration of him where I stood alone by the fence. 

And, I did!

As the band filed off the field and walked right past me (because I had purposely picked the spot by the fence where they would file past) my son saw me and lit up with joy! He was as happy to see me as I was to see him!! He leaned over the fence, wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a huge smooch on the cheek! 

Then he ran to my side of the fence and offered to snap this picture with me. I didn't ask, he offered!! 

My youngest son and me at the game Friday night.

Soon he was back with the band and I stood smiling to myself by the fence. Alone and beaming with joy. As our team continued to play a good game, I peeked over at my boys as they lit up the night, scoring points in my heart. Figuring out friendships and playing music with their own personal flair.

Soon a young girl, about eleven years old, with her face painted colorfully and her energy bouncing off the stars, asked me kindly if I would watch her phone for her. She had some cartwheels and other showing off to do. Her friends talked conspiratorially about people who weren't there, the boys said swear words and talked rudely about each other, but they all smiled at me and thanked me for watching the stuff. They seemed uninterested or unaware that I could hear them while simultaneously grateful that I was willing to help them out. This is growing up. So full of our own issues and worries and hopes that it's hard to see outside of it, until we are motivated by a need. And then most of us can take a moment to feel and offer gratitude. A short, important, moment. 

We won the game and I gathered my boys. We laughed and sang as we walked to the car. While climbing into the front seat my seventeen year old son said, "That was really great, mom. I got to see my friends. It was good I could buy them a snack because it gave me something to say and do. It helped me get comfortable quicker. That was much better than just doing my weird habits for attention and then when they ask me to stop being weird I don't know how." 

And then as we started to merge our way out of the busy parking lot, surrounded by so many other late night game goers, my youngest son asked me, "Did you have fun? What was your favorite part of the night?"

I looked at him in the rear-view and considered my answer. He interrupted. "I know, I know. Your favorite part was when I was so happy to see you and gave you a hug."

He sort of rolled his eyes, but he was also smiling. 

My Friday Night Lights are those moments. 
These kids. These memories. 

We all won our game last night!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Social Skills, Academics, Life skills, and Family Love-Living on Vacation

My little sister, Brandessa, and my little brother, Rye, were hanging out with me at a resort in East Texas. 

We were taking advantage of the timeshare my mom bought years and years ago. Back when we lived in an RV and my mom was homeschooling my brothers because school had done nothing but stifle, scare, and hurt them. Back when we lived in an RV and traveled the country and discovered a resort offering unheard of deals in order to get people in the place and the business off the ground. 

Back when my mom cleverly took advantage of happy vacationers and activity centers to teach social skills to my socially challenged brothers. Back when I was living with mom so that she could help me raise my boys and I could return the favor by trying to help her raise my brothers. 

Two of my sons were born in cabins at these resorts. All of my brothers learned years worth of academics and social etiquette at these resorts. They made mistakes, and then we'd switch locations, and then they'd do better, and then they stopped making mistakes. My entire family feels at home in these resorts. 

Last week my little sister, Brandessa, drove in from California with her family and her children while my little brother, Rye, took a couple days off of work to visit and swim in the pool. Some of my sons (the ones still living with me) and I drove up and sort of played host, arriving before everyone and leaving last.

All of our children agreed that the resort feels like home.

There is no way we could have known for sure, years and years ago when my mom took my brothers out of school and we lived in timeshares and an RV that we were for sure doing something that would play a huge role in the learning and growing of generations of us. 

But we did know it could. 

So, mom did it. 

And although mom couldn't make it to the resort this trip, although mom had to work and miss out on the family shenanigans and joy and memories and mini golf and late night tennis games surrounded by Texas sized bug clouds, mom was there. In our gratitude, in our conversations, and in the skills we have as siblings and parents to make those fun things happen. 

Mom could (and does!) find joy in the knowledge that she helped create us!

This picture of my little sister, Brandessa, and my little brother, Rye, is possible because of mom's ability to always see possibility, and to then take the next step into action. 

And also, it's a picture of two people that I love very much!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Brandessa and Rye!

Feeling at home in the Cabin.

A view of the lake from the activity center.

Autism Answer: Back to School Virus

My boys go back to school Monday. Also, we haven't been feeling well the last couple of days.

I think there's a connection.

Here's the thing. My sons get a lot of good stuff out of going to school, but it takes intention and purpose and a fair amount of doing things in ways that the administration isn't set up for. We can be challenging for teachers and counselors--though so far we've mostly also been liked by them. Mostly! Every school year we do a lot of explaining who we are, why we do the things we do, and how we best move forward. This explaining is for ourselves as well as others!

The summer holidays are filled to bursting with discovering, being, playing, almost never looking at clocks or schedules. Of course, as the boys get older they have jobs and projects that require scheduling to exist in some form or another, more and more. Even during the blissful holidays!

Which brings us back to school, and some of the biggest and best things my sons (and I!!) get out of it. A place to practice working on a schedule created by an entity other than ourselves. A place to encourage our unique talents to find their value within a crowd of others; other people and other agendas. A place to insist on being ourselves and discovering what that means while making room for other people to be themselves alongside us. Oh ya, and they learn math and science and french there too!! 

There's plenty of potential for important and awesome lessons at school!! But, man, it's a lot of work!!

So today we're dealing with a slight "here we go again, being ourselves while learning to make it work in a group without reinventing ourselves while being open to rethinking our thoughts when it matches what we want, not only so it'll match what other people want" virus. **NOTE: I'm not sure if that's the scientific term. tee hee! 

Symptoms may be but are not limited to : lethargy, junk food cravings, swimming brain and airheady-ness (aka lack of focus), and a strong desire to unplug all phones while hiding away from people.

We'll feel better by tomorrow, now that I've identified the problem. No wonder washing our hands and taking vitamin C wasn't working to fight this illness! What we needed was to remember that this is the work of life that--though challenging-- we're actually pretty good at!! 

But for tonight we'll take advantage of our low energy and sore bodies by sipping sparking apple cider in fancy wine glasses, snuggling on a pile of pillows, and watching a family movie!! 

Feel free to join us!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Back to School!
This Kind of Freedom,
on a Schedule.

Update:
I wrote this post for my Facebook Page a few days ago. I almost always write stuff there first, and then share it here. Anyway, we went to the school the other day and Shay (my sixteen year old) showed me around, pointing out his favorite classes and such. We had a blast, and now we're looking (almost) forward to school Monday!!! That back to school virus ain't so tough!!
Hugs!!!!