Autism Answer: A Story About Getting Dressed (aka Hippie Jeans)

I haven't really bought myself clothes since I was seventeen. Everything I've worn since then was given to me by friends, family, and neighbors who were cleaning out their closets. 

I love this! I'm recycling, re-purposing, and, well, not spending any money! But most of the people who always shared their used clothes with me have moved away and for the last few years I've been wearing what little clothes I still had from long ago. This is fine, I don't mind big holes in my jeans and threadbare see-through shirts. However, there are times when I get hired to work on advertising photo shoots and I need decent clothes to wear on set, so I made a fun New Year's resolution. "In 2016 I will buy myself one new article of clothing every other month."

So, last month I went to purchase myself a pair of pants and was met with an unforeseen issue. I had no idea what kind of pants I wanted! Everything I've been wearing for so long was from other people, people who had their own styles and fashion sense, and my style became wearing other people's clothes my way. I hadn't really taken time to know what I wanted to wear, only how to wear and like what people gave me.

Finally I settled on an affordable pair of jeans that I liked. I really liked them, actually. So I got excited and ran into my youngest son's room to tell him about my jean-buying adventure.

After laughing about me not knowing what I wanted to buy and then learning that I had  finally discovered a pair of pants that I liked, he asked simply: "Were they hippie jeans?"

I thought about it for a second. "Ya, I guess they are. They do look like hippie jeans."

"Well, I could have told you that. That's your style."

I think that's pretty fabulous!
Peace and love and all that delicious jazz!!

Sometimes we are who we are because we have to be. Sometimes our style is something we discover based on necessity. That doesn't make it not our style; indeed, my style is deeply authentically truly organically about happily working with what I'm easily offered. Yet, given the chance to know who I am when in the position to choose from everything, if everything is easily offered, I find myself sometimes heading in new directions. 

This is a lovely and important gift to give ourselves! Knowing what our style is when we are absolutely able to choose accessories and outfits and environments from every single possibility gives us a clear vision of who we are and what we want. 

And I can tell you with absolute certainty that every single time I've had a clear vision of what I want, I've gotten it! With a clear idea of the fashion I want for my life I make shifts; I accessorize differently, make purposeful connections, and face new directions. And then, once again, I choose happiness in working with what I'm easily offered. Yet, because I know clearly the style I'm interested in, I'm easily offered the accessories and opportunities that match! 

When I'm confused, though, or when I'm unsure, as I was at the beginning of my pants buying adventure, my son gave me a lovely and important reminder. Ask the people close to me. Ask my trusted friends and family what style they imagine I am. Often they will have a clarity that I might be lacking. Also, too, they may be seeing something that I don't see about me, and I may want to change it. 

Either way, their idea of my style will be enlightening and interesting. So, I'll ask!

It's obvious to me now why my son would know me as someone who'd want hippie jeans. After all, when people cleaned out their closets and gave me clothes I happily accepted them with a "recycling, re-purposing, community-minded used and shared" attitude, rather than a "poor me, how embarrassing" one. 

Besides, peace and love and freedom, man. That's so me!

When we get dressed, friends, whether it's the clothes or attitudes or careers we're choosing to wear, let's always keep in touch with our personal style. 

Sure, our styles will change sometimes, and that's freaking awesome, but let's always make sure we're the one choosing our style. Not because we want to fit in or be cool, but because we want to express and celebrate who we are!

Getting dressed offers us some surprising opportunities.
Now, excuse me while I put on my hippie jeans! 

Hugs, smiles, peace, and love!!!!
Autism Answer with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Barefoot, books, and coffee, outside in my hippie jeans!

 

Autism Answer: Cool Clothes and Following Passions - His Idea Of Success

Declyn

 
Declyn: I can't wait to go to my high school reunion. 

Me: Dude, you haven't even graduated yet. Slow down! 

Declyn: I know but it's going to be so fun seeing my friends and showing off how successful we are. I'll have cool clothes and a nice house. I'll probably be famous. 

Me: (trying not to sound too "parent-y") You know that none of the things you just mentioned equal success, right?

Declyn: (trying not to sound too condescending) Of course. I know that and you know that, but society doesn't. I'm not going to ignore my idea of success, I'm going to go after all the things I want to do and I'm passionate about. I just know that it's the cool clothes and nice house and fame most people are going to notice. 

Me: Okay, sure, but you can't focus on what society wants from you. That's not healthy. Anyway, maybe society will shift by then. Maybe....

Declyn: (laughing) Not gonna happen! And I can't pretend society's idea of success isn't important. It is! The way I get treated and the way my family gets treated will be affected by it. So, I'm going to care mostly about my idea of success but I'm not going to pretend not to care about theirs. 

Me: You're almost too smart for your own good, kiddo!

Declyn: It's probably because of the autism. Probably because of all those years trying to figure myself and the world out. Everything seems to be falling into place right now. I know it'll get confusing and hard again while I try to make all my dreams happen, but I also know I can do it. Mostly because of the autism. Now, don't say anything else. I don't want to talk about important stuff anymore. 

Having teenagers is the craziest, scariest, wildest ride! They are people you love so darn much you'd do anything to make them happy, strong, popular, adored, healthy, rich, proud, humble, etc, etc, etc. And yet they remind you over and over and over again, it's all up to them. 

You can't do it for them. 

They must. 
They will. 

And although most days it feels like they may not be able to do it, like they're focusing on all the wrong things and trying too hard to please a group of teenager friends who are also focusing on all the wrong things, there are moments like this. Moments where they show you that they have a handle on this whole actively and purposefully maturing thing. 

It's amazing!
My sons are amazing!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My darling Declyn. www.fourbrothersoneworld.com

 

Better Than Me ~Short Story

Well... it happened to me again. Chuck Wendig posted a Flash Fiction Challenge, and suddenly I wanted to play! The challenge was to eyeball a random song title, and make it the title of our story. The song itself doesn't have to have anything to do with our woven tale, though it can. Well, I picked up my Hinder CD, and my eyes landed on "Better Than Me". I was gonna just listen to the song, but then a story popped in my brain.  
WARNING: It is unlike anything I've written for you here before, and it's got sex. It pretty much takes place during sex. And there are swear words. The *F* word is in the first sentence. Plus, it's sort of uncomfortable. And please remember, it's fiction!!!

Okay, so here we go, for those of you willing to take the plunge:

Better Than Me~ Short Story

“If you don’t fucking move your body, I’m walking out of here!”

He deserves better than me, and it hurts to know that. I was moving my body before but he told me he didn’t’ like the way my boobs looked when I did it that way, so I stopped. But now he’s pissed off because I’m supposed to be moving—and I know that—but I don’t know exactly how. 

I start to move my hands up his back and moan a bit. This feels subtle, so it can't be too bad, and also it is movement. I hope this is is good. I’m trying not to be afraid of disappointing him and so I look down at my breasts. I’m on my back and they just fall to the sides, almost disappearing into my armpits. It looks ugly! So I lift my arms in a position that kind of pushes them up, makes them look a little fuller. I think he’ll like that. 

He pushes roughly and I make a few more sounds, but when he looks at my boobs I see he looks angry. God, I wish my nipples would perk up! How could he like them when they look so deflated and uninterested?

“Turn over,” he tells me.

I know this means we’re almost finished, and I’m glad. I hate not being able to please him, but I know he’ll get pleasure if I turn over and he can picture something better, someone better. 

He deserves that. 

He’s so sexy. He always smells good and dresses in classy clothes. Every time we go out I see the girls stare, I watch them hate me. He stares back of course, and even takes some of them home, but he stays with me. He’s my boyfriend. 

And I know that in some ways, I do deserve him.

I’m not a good cook, but I always make sure he’s fed and his apartment is clean. When we go to the bars I dance for him and show his friends my moves when he tells me to. He likes seeing them lust for me while I give only to him. 

I never drink because I know he wants to. And goodness knows he deserves nights of fun on weekends. His bosses treat him like crap at his job, which he hates anyway. Working as a waiter in a high class sushi place isn't exactly his dream, and yet he’s forced to serve people living his high class dreams while he just sucks it up. 

He works every day though, because he wants to take care of me. He wants to one day take me to these places and treat me like a queen!

And he doesn’t just work at that job either. He works also at his dream. But his band—which is bloody awesome-isn’t going anywhere. Lord knows it’s not his fault. I’ve never seen anyone work so hard for a dream, and with so little help! He’s got both vision and talent.

When he sings, our bodies drool!

His energy and voice dance their way into everyone’s libido, men and women, and we just feel him!

But the guys in his band are lazy. Sure, they like to play, but they don’t want to take risks. And like my boyfriend says, you can’t make it if you don’t take risks. 

Now I feel his hands on my hips as I reach to pinch my nipples. I think when he’s done I’ll sit up and hold my arms close at my sides which pushes my boobs together in a way that makes them look fuller. And my nipples will be perky because I pinched them, so I’ll look sexy for him. 

I feel him finish on me and carefully turn around, cautious not to get any mess on his bedspread. Once I had to take it to the cleaners because of letting it get stained when I went on my period in the middle of sex. How stupid I am! He spent over a hundred dollars on the spread and it’s classy!

“Start the shower, babe.” He says. 

I could hardly afford the cleaners because I only work as a dog walker. I love the job—there are so many kinds of dogs and they’re all wonderful!—but it’s not a career. It’s not classy and I don’t make much money. 

But, he loves me for who I am not my job, which is why I love him so much.

It’s hard for me to show it because I don’t have much to give. But I do show it in ways he sometimes notices. Like when I took his cover to the cleaners, even though I couldn’t really afford it, he kissed me and told me he loved me.

Or like the other night when we went to the bar. I didn’t drink because he wanted to get drunk so I had to drive, but I didn’t mind. Well… I have a really crappy car that he’s embarrassed to be in, but since he doesn’t have a car at all we had to take mine and I felt bad about that. But he was proud of me anyway, because I didn’t even have one drink. He started telling all his friends how lucky he was to have me. He’s lucky?! He even told me to show them my dance moves (which they’d already seen) and then to show them my boobs (which they hadn’t). That made me feel sexy, but I was afraid too because what if they didn’t like them? What if they told him he should get a new girl? Better than me?

Luckily , his friends liked them and even wanted to touch them. Some of the girls at the bar were calling me a slut and stuff, but I knew they were just jealous. I knew because I’ve been the one watching when my boyfriend touched other girls, and I hated them because I was jealous. 

That’s okay, it’s how relationships work.

My friend, Janice, that night she told me I deserved someone better. Me!! Oh, God, I laughed and laughed at that one! She called him abusive which made me laugh harder and even call her stupid. He’s never once, the two years we’ve been together, hit me or even threatened to hit me! He’s so sexy and classy, he could have any girl he ever wanted, but he loves me.

I’m just a small girl from nowhere with nothing. And he loves me.

Besides, Janice is gay and always had a crush on me so I think she said that because she wanted me to be single again. 

Although, I know I shouldn’t have laughed at her or called her stupid, because she did look hurt. Which is why I kissed her and did those things with her after. I felt like she really deserved someone better than me, too. 

As I’m getting in the shower with him now I smile to know how lucky I am. So many people are kind and caring to me, even though they deserve better. 

I’ve just gotta keep doing what I can to make me worth their time. 

They deserve it. 

Autism Answer: Peer Pressure~ Guest Post by Shay Shelton

NOTE: My son, Shay, wrote this piece two years ago. Today was the first day back to school and my youngest son, Declyn, told me outright,"I've decided to become a bully stopper this year. I've already heard people talk bad about this new kid, just because he dresses and talks different. Well, I'm going to peer pressure them to be thoughtful!" It reminded me of this homework assignment Shay had in eighth grade. Peer pressure is powerful indeed, and both of my youngest sons seem to understand that quite clearly! 

Peer Pressure

By: Shay Shelton

People often wonder;

Even when they're old.

Everywhere they go,

Reality may unfold .

Perhaps they will not like me?

Remember what they said?

Even if I don’t like it,

Suppose I try instead.

Suppose I stop and say no?

Under their sharp gaze,

Real friends would appreciate me,

Even through these rough days.

As our kids go back to school, let's remember the real issue of peer pressure. Let's remind them to be authentic even under "their sharp gaze" knowing that true friends (and they themselves can take time to learn this wonderful skill!) will generally appreciate them. 

And as my darling Declyn suggests, perhaps they can even take advantage of peer pressure now and then to peer pressure their friends to be friendly!!! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

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This was an eighth grade homework assignment for Shay, and now it's a guest post... my boys are learning that when they put their heart into something it's never just "school stuff"!!