Autism Answer: Our Children Choose what they Learn.

I remember it clearly. Sixteen long years ago I was breastfeeding my baby, and watching my oldest son play with an upside-down chair, spoons and a ruined plastic slinky. He was making up some game and chattering happily to himself when suddenly I was hit with a fear that felt heavy in my chest. My son, whom I love, teach, wonder about, protect and play with, is completely his own person. I know that sounds silly, but for the twenty-two year old me it was an honest-to-goodness new realization. 

The epiphany and complete understanding that I could never get inside his head and know his thoughts, that I could never be certain that he learned the lessons I was teaching the way I meant for them to be learned, slapped me in the heart and had me reeling for days. When I finally chatted with my mom about it she helped me see it for the beauty that it is, while also revealing the importance of taking on the responsibility of truly teaching by example.

I learned to see the beauty in knowing that my boys (of which there are now four) were in complete control of their own thoughts and beliefs. For my autistic kids, and the one with Irlene Syndrome, and the one with 'classic laziness'--tee hee!--there was absolutely no way I could even begin to experience the world the way they did (well... maybe the classically lazy one!) and so how could I expect to tell them precisely how to navigate it? I couldn't. But there was so much I could do, and it was much more fantastic once I learned to be comfortable with it!!

I could watch them closely and learn their motivators. I could play with them intentionally to help them with useful life-skills, while asking questions and discovering the world as they perceived it! I could gather suggestions and corral potentially life changing opportunities without feeling it is my job to get it right in the end, but rather their job. And so--biggest challenge but most fantastic of all!--I had to learn to do each and every one of these things for myself so that they would see how it's done and accept my encouragements as valid along the way!

Admittedly, there are still many moments when I wish I could just crawl inside their heads to hear how they think and know what I still need to do to teach them or help them. Especially now that they are wildly moody teenagers! However, there is something so fascinating and eye opening about not being responsible for who my children become, but rather being an important player in encouraging them to become the men they feel good being. 

For me this learning started out as very scary, but became something wonderful. It gave me the encouragement I needed to take care of myself in important ways so that I could ask it of my children, and so that I would have the experience to help them know how. Also, it helped me to become a habitual believer in my children's abilities to figure life out, which helped them to believe it too. 

It's such a wild beast, this parenting thing! You're responsible, but you're not. You're the expert, but you're not. You love them, so you let them leave. 

Thank-goodness it's also filled with these fabulous lessons and sensational snuggles!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!

Autism Answer: Believe, and Try Stuff!!

My youngest brother (who just turned 28... man, that makes me old!!) has a problem remembering to notice other people. He's a good driver and pays close attention to all of the other cars on the road, but when it comes to using that skill outside of his vehicle, he's challenged! He has a habit of not holding the door for someone right behind him, stepping in-front of people in line or standing a little too close.

However, having been his sister for most of his life (my mom adopted him when he was barely over a year) I've learned some simple tricks to helping him out. I've learned to be concrete and clear, and to give him a specific action rather than obscure or ambiguous thoughts and observations. Well... I've learned because my mom told me. But still! tee hee!

Of course, one reason I am so happy to help him in this way is because he's proven over and over and over, that he wants to learn, can learn and will happily take my ideas and turn them into something more his style, but equally useful!

The other day I told him that for the next few months, every time he goes to a check-out counter he should look around first for someone he can offer the front of the line to. I told him to make that a new habit.

Yesterday the young lady who works at our local Dollar General smiled at me and asked,"What's up with your brother? He's been so pleasant and friendly lately! He looks so happy. Has he gotten a new job or something?" Sweet!! Love it!!

Regardless of who I'm giving tips to: myself, my kids, my hubby, my brothers, the gazillions of teens that show up to chat with me every time they see my van... I remind myself not to shrug and just offer up an excuse like 'that's just who I am' or 'kids will be kids'... but rather to believe that the skill can be learned, and then try stuff!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!

My youngest brother, Rye!
Don't be surprised if he remembers to hold the door open for ya!

Autism Answer: Go Dancing for them, go Dancing for you!

*Author's note: I wrote this for my Facebook Page a few weeks ago. Since it has a very Friday feel to me, I thought it would be fun to share here today!! Happy Friday friends!!!*

I went dancing last night at a tiny little dive one minute from my mom's house. I danced with my cell phone in my hand, peeking at it between songs and dorky dance moves. 

Not a single one of my children called me hoping I would come home. I did get a call from one son who needed a ride home from work, so I left the dance floor and went to pick him up. 
When I told him I'd been dancing he smiled at me and admitted,"That sounds like fun! Are you going back?" I figured I might as well, since no one seemed to be minding. 

I went back. I danced the rest of the night. I didn't get a single message from my boys whining that they needed me or confessing that they'd shaved the top of their head, creating a quarter sized bald spot--the sort of call I used to get when I decided to go out. 

I got home and only one of my boys was still up. The one that is always up because he doesn't like to sleep at night, preferring to line up soup cans. "Did you have fun?" he asked. "I had a blast." I answered. Then we went to bed. 

I guess I can just go dancing now, and it's for me. Not because I think my kids need to learn to let me go out, or because it's good for them to see that grown-ups can go to a bar, have fun and not drink, or because I want my boys to learn that they can take care of themselves--some of the reasons I used to go dancing. 

I can go dancing because I love to go dancing. I can go dancing just to have fun. And I'm going to go ahead and believe it's because I have also always gone dancing for all those other reasons.

So go ahead and go dancing--or whatever it is you love to do! Do it for all those reasons! And remember to take the time to notice the fantastic things you and your kids are getting from that fun!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!!
Autism Answers

Autism Answer: Teach a Man to Fish and it Feeds your Soul!

"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime." 

True! But remember, if you teach a man to fish while your own fish pile up and rot, you are also teaching a selfish nature. 

You are also teaching waste. 

It is kind of you to take the time to teach the important skill of fishing, but remember that how long it took you to learn vs how long it takes him isn't likely about desire or work ethic. His skills are possibly far from fishing. Remember that we are all equally valuable, but we are not all the same. 

So go ahead and teach while you share some fish, so he can think clearly and will learn about kindness and the ridiculousness of waste. 

Share your fish so that you can feel the fantastic gift of your fish catching skill in the smile of another. 

And never forget to teach with a belief that it can be learned. 

Teach each other fishing, sharing, connecting, patience, persistence and respecting the fish themselves. 

In truth, the nourishment swims where you teach. 

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and your souls are nourished for a lifetime!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!
Autism Answers

Autism Answer: There are no silly questions or interests!

When I was a little girl I spent a lot of time wanting to be pretty, wondering if I was pretty, hoping I was pretty, wishing I was pretty. I would compare myself to the other little girls, stare at pictures of Brooke Shields and wish I looked like her, etc. One day I asked my mom,"Who's the prettiest girl in the world?"

She told me that there was no such thing. She said that everyone is beautiful and that taste and timing is what makes one person see another as good looking for them. I was floored! That meant I WAS beautiful!! Right then and there my obsession and worry disappeared. I still wondered and wished, but not with the same concern. Eventually, the truth of my mom's words became such a part of me that I completely stopped wondering at all!

This memory reminds me to respect questions and interests no matter how silly they may seem to me. And let me tell you, my brothers and kids can come up with some offbeat and odd seeming questions and interests indeed! But because of this memory--where my mom took my silly question seriously, answered honestly and changed my world for the better!--I try to keep in mind that one answer or question at the right time with the right attitude just might change their lives!! And regardless, at least the overall understanding is that they are always respected! Win/Win

Happy Wednesday friends!! You are all gorgeous!!!

Now, I'm off to the bathroom to pluck my beautiful goat hairs! tee hee!

Hugs, smiles and love!!

Autism Answer: Marvelous Marriage Message!

Howdy friends! I had an interesting thought the other day. I was thinking about how much I like my marriage and how one of the reasons is, it's better than being single!

When I was single there was a part of me always wondering or waiting. Even when I wasn't at all interested in dating, there was part of me that wanted to stay open to the idea... just in case. And when I WAS dating it was almost worse! Every annoyance or disagreement I had with this potential partner had me wondering if I should give up on the relationship or work through. And the wondering had me never truly trying!

Now that I'm married (and was smart enough to marry a fella who loves me and our boys like crazy!) I never wonder and always know that any annoyance or disagreement can and will be worked through. Interestingly, that makes most of them much less annoying and our disagreements much less worrisome! Because I know we have to figure something out, we do! And because I have every intention of being with my hubby forever, it's easy to let the unimportant things go and take care of the issues that actually truly matter. 

Well guess what? This is a great attitude to have when parenting, especially special needs kiddos! Obviously we aren't going to break-up with our kids, so instead we look for answers with an eye on solving issues and teaching skills. However, sometimes when our kids have unique challenges we can make the mistake of looking around for others with bigger, better answers. The right therapy or the best advice. When we do this, we're much like I was when I was single. Looking around for something better or giving up on a good thing (like an idea or a therapy) because of one or two hiccups. Oops!

Now that I'm married it's not as if we never have to work things out. I still reach out for advice and suggestions from others every now and then. However, I do it knowing that my honey and I will figure it out and solve any real issues, together. I do it knowing that my marriage is forever, and we have what it takes to keep it beautiful!

Let's always remember to hold onto that attitude as parents too! When we play with our kids knowing absolutely that together we can solve any issue, and we peel away any less than necessary problems, so much magic and connecting can happen! There is no one right diet or therapy for autism, but there is a right attitude! A belief in yourself and your child and a willingness to look crazy proving it!!

I never, ever, ever thought that one day I would be happily married. But man, are my kids and I glad that I am! There are so many marvelous messages in my marriage!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!

*Authors note: Today is my husband's birthday. It seemed fitting to post this marvelous marriage message, considering that he turns sixty-two today and is still marvelous!!! Happy birthday to my fantastical husband!!

Autism Answer: Disabling vs Not Able... a world of difference!

When my mom* Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad* was a little girl she could literally SEE sound as color (a form of Synesthesia). So when she would play the same note over and over on a piano many of the folks around her grew crazily annoyed while she enjoyed the shimmering beauty of a particular shade of blue. Had her family taken the time to ask her why, rather than smack her upside the head, my mom would have had an opportunity to explain, while simultaneously learning that not everyone saw what she saw. She then could have been asked not to play the same note over and over unless alone. 

And both she and her surrounding loved ones would have learned that the world behaves differently for different people--sometimes drastically so!-- and that there is much more value in asking and listening than there is in assuming and controlling. 

The challenge of seeing sound is disabling, making the world a little harder to navigate and engage in. I would like to suggest that the challenge of smacking before asking is also a disability. Again, making the world a little harder to navigate and engage in. Because of autism I have grown-up in a family that actively and loudly believes that a disability is not an inability, but rather a challenge worth taking on. 

Sometimes we'll compensate, sometimes we'll heal, and sometimes we'll change and grow by looking at habits and beliefs. ALWAYS we are able! Of course, some challenges will take much longer than others!!

Always we are able, even when we are disabled!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!!


*Author's note: Please take a moment to visit THIS campaign for my mom's show FIX IT IN FIVE with LYNETTE LOUISE aka THE BRAIN BROAD which is now playing on The Autism Channel. This show litterally allows you to watch my mom work/play with children and adults who struggle with autism (and more) so that you can learn why she gets such world famous and fabulous results. And so that you can do it too!! Check out the Gallery page on the campaign to see videos and more!! Hugs!!!

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/fix-it-in-five-with-the-brain-broad-get-it-edited

FIX IT IN FIVE with LYNETTE LOUISE aka THE BRAIN BROAD
An international reality series offering mental health answers with play and brain science!