Autism Answer: Our Example Is More Than What We Do While Our Children Watch

 

One of my granddaughters sweeping

 

 

Our kids do learn from our example. I know they do. But.... 

 

Working hard while they watch doesn't mean they're learning to work hard. Reading great literature while they climb all over us on the couch doesn't mean they're learning the value of great reading. Maintaining a comfortably clean environment in their presence doesn't mean they are learning to do the same. 

 

Our example is more than what we do while our children watch.

 

It is also how we include them in what we're doing, it is how we explain our reasons for doing what we do, it is the ways in which we guide them to try, to join us, to tell us their reasons. 

 

It is our own attempts at meeting them half way that help them more honestly notice us and our example.

 

Regardless of our children's abilities, styles, basic personalities, they are learning from our example. But that does not mean we can simply do things we think are good while they watch. Because what they are seeing when they watch is not actually the thing we are doing. 

 

What our children see is themselves. Particularly our children with sensory issues and social challenges. They are contending first with themselves, and what they see of our example grows out from there. 

 

If I keep a clean house but don't show them why or how, my children will not likely learn to keep a clean house but, instead, will likely learn (from my example) that they should expect a house to be kept clean for them. (Don't worry, I did not do that. A clean house? Ha!!) 

 

So, yes. It's nice to know that if we work at always being a good example for our children they will learn from it. But it's important to know that what they will learn is always up to them, and that the only guaranteed bonus of setting a good example is that we ourselves will be someone we believe is a good example, and we will be able to remember having done that for ourselves and our children. 

 

Our children do learn from our example.

 

Even if what they learn is to throw my books away because when I am reading great literature on the couch I am not doing a good job of paying attention to them.

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

 

 ADDENDUM -

An example of what learning from example can look like from my own childhood: 

 

My mom raised a lot of kids. I am the oldest of eight and not only did mom raise all eight of us on her own, she often allowed for others to live with us while she helped them raise up as well. People with disabilities, people who were severing themselves from abuse, people who were simply unhoused, mom was always open to finding ways they could help each other. In this environment, mom expected us to all pitch in. Us kids were often delegated to the work of keeping the house going; cleaning, lunch making, putting brothers to bed. In the meantime, what I saw was my mom doing the important work. The work of helping people with challenges, writing articles or shows meant to change the world, finding work that was inclusive and would pay enough to feed, house, and clothe our family. Mom also did most of the housework, but I didn't actually notice that. I wasn't watching that. I was growing an opinion that housework can be done by anyone but the important work, the stuff that matters, is done by someone special. Someone who sees what others don't see. My opinion was bolstered by the fact that I did not see what my mom saw, until I listened to her explain and teach it, and then - yes - I would see her insights exampled in the results. 

I know she was not exampling "people who spend time cleaning the house are not special people with wisdom and important ideas" but as time went on I began to develop that belief from her example. I grew to feel less than when I would clean, I started to think mess was a sign of brilliance, but I also did not have the courage or even the ideas for the other work my mom did. For a lot of years, I just sort of stayed in mess and played with my kids and worried I was not wise or important. Luckily, I also learned from mom's example that being a mom who is all in, a mom who is entirely into the role and willing to do the work of becoming better along the way, is important and wise. So, ultimately, I grew beautifully. In part because of mom's example and in part because of how I saw myself while learning from it.

Autism Answer: Where There Is Yelling

 

Hand on a hip in anger or judgement

Some people remember with a sense of sharpness things they learned while being yelled at. 

 

For the most part, I shut down when people are yelling. Particularly angry yelling. I am quickly afraid and disappear so deeply into the fear that I can't decipher much of what is being said or remember well what the yelling was specifically about.

 

However, I can remember with clarity things I choose to learn while my FEELINGS are yelling at me. When I am extremely embarrassed, when I feel horrible for being the cause of a serious problem, when I am extremely afraid.

 

Sometimes that means I remember things I choose to learn where there is angry yelling because angry yelling  causes me to be afraid, but the things I learn don't come from what is being yelled. Instead they come from me, from the place hidden away in the fog of fear where I am unable to decipher much of what is being said outside of myself. 

 

Hence, I tend to remember the stuff my mind is saying to me about my reaction to the yelling. Mostly, my mind is mean to me in those moments. I'll remember me putting myself down and using the moment as proof that I'm a pathetic whimpy useless piece of a person who is sitting paralyzed in fear rather than engaging with the person or people who are yelling. 

Sometimes, I will remember what the yelling was about. Never, though, will I remember it in a better way because of the yelling. Though sometimes I will remember bigger because of it. It will be louder in my mind, the memory itself yelling at me. 

 

I am one person. My response is not necessarily common or uncommon. To be honest, when I watch movies and tv shows I can't help but notice many people yell at each other, and so I assume it's fairly common to yell and that yelling isn't always so hard for folks. 

 

And don't get me wrong, I have yelled. I have yelled at my kids, I have yelled at my brothers, and I have yelled at my mom. When I have yelled it was never because I had a handle on things, it was never because I knew yelling was the right choice. When I yelled it was because I was overwhelmed and frustrated and screaming to get out from under it all. The people I yelled at were not likely benefited from my yelling. And I definitely wasn't. 

 

My mom, however, can use yelling well. To break through to one of my brothers before they go too far, to surprise someone into listening, to change a behavior by influencing a brain. She knows how to use yelling. Mostly, by not using it. It is one of the least commonly used tools in her toolbox. (I highly recommend watching her international docu-series Fix it in Five with The Brain Broad, particularity season two where she works with a violent teen struggling through puberty, in order to see how she breaks into behaviors without using yelling, and how she effectively uses yelling.)

 

Where there is yelling there is response to yelling. Not everyone responds the same and not everyone yells the same. I am not good at yelling. I am not good at being yelled at. 

 

"Teach, don't hurt. Your child will often remember how you punished them but seldom remember why. Spare the rod and teach the child." ~Dr. Lynette Louise, aka The Brain Broad, aka My Mom

My mom always has her mind on the teaching part. Children, particularly autistic children, are exceptionally influenced by the energy around them. Yelling is a kind of energy that is not easily guided well. 

 

Be careful with it. Not only around children.

 

And for those of us who don't handle it well, let's try not to be afraid of it, either. 

 

(Errrrrr.... great. Now I'm afraid someone will yell because I admitted I'm going to try and not be afraid of yelling. Giggle!)

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: A Consequence of Punishment

 

On the beach: my sister, two of her four daughters, and her husband.

 

I was a mom before my sister was. I adored the way she loved watching me with my sons! Soon, my sister had children of her own. And I quickly adored watching her with her daughters!

 

I watched as my sister focused less on punishment for her children and more on consequences. As a mom, I loved this. The consequence was I began to do the same. 

 

Things didn't have to change much. When my boys made a mess they would still be expected to clean it up because that's a natural consequence. When they would fight with each other they would still be expected to stop fighting, to apologize if it seemed appropriate, to go to their beds and take time to calm down and think about the situation if that made sense, because those are some consequences of fighting. If they didn't listen to me when we were in the grocery store, if they had a tantrum to try and get something they wanted that I was unwilling or unable to get for them, I still dealt with the attitude in much of the same ways I always had (mainly by freaking out internally over hoping I would handle it right and knowing only that whatever I did I couldn't let the tantrum be how they got something) because there are consequences to being whiny or mean.

 

The difference when I focused more on consequence than punishment was less about what happened and more about how the happening was framed. What lesson I tried to highlight. 

 

I'm not a big believer in "if you do this you might get caught, imprisoned, ticketed" etc, and more a believer in "if you do this these are the sorts of things that might happen to you and your environment." As a mom but also as a citizen in society. 

 

I think a consequence of focusing on punishment is that we too often teach "don't break this rule or you'll get in trouble" when we could be teaching "here are the reasons we have decided as a society/family to have this rule." 

 

It's not that I think consequences should never feel like punishments. It's more that I think focusing on the reality of consequences helps us better understand the fullness of our actions. Everyone involved is given more opportunity to explore the potential consequences. 

 

I think the shift in focus helps us remember to be responsible for ourselves, to be less combative with people we perceive as punishing us, to be more aware of the myriad of consequences rather than see only the big shiny punishment. 

 

If the consequence of me sharing this idea is you decide to punish me by telling me I'm a silly old lady with naive dreams of a world that can change when we change our focus, no problem! I'll just focus on the part where you cared enough about my idea to respond with thoughts of your own and the consequence will be I feel less punished. tee hee! 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

Autism Answers: Parenting Advice in Articles and Lists

 

My brother, Dar, and a message he facilitated

I think parents of autistic kids, or kids with any similar type of disorder, too often think parenting tips found in popular articles are only relevant for other parents. But that is not the case. 

 

This morning I read an article (click this link to see it) urging parents to hover less around their children and to, instead, expect them to do more for themselves. 

 

My mom, much like the mom who wrote the article, was a big believer in expecting us kids to take on the responsibility of ourselves, and also pitch in as a family. The examples in the article reflect examples from our own home - doing dishes, setting our own alarms, getting ourselves to and from school. Where my brothers were concerned (all four were adopted and had a variety of disorders, including autism) it was the same, learn to do things for yourself and pitch in. The specifics shifted, though, based on who they were. 

 

She was fierce in her belief that they were capable. She was impressive in her ability to see where and how they could be successful and in helping them prioritize which skills mattered most when stepping back and seeing the big picture: the entirety of their lives. 

 

It sounds obvious, right? Believe in them! Teach them and encourage them to learn! But I remember mom having to fight other adults and professionals all the time about it. They said she had unrealistic expectations, false hope, or was simply crazy. In their minds, my brothers should simply be fed, housed, and maybe medicated. Probably pitied. 

 

But my mom parented all eight of us with the same basic belief: that we should and could learn to take responsibility for ourselves. Our health, our happiness, our lives. 

 

And like the mom who wrote the article I read this morning, my mom was there with us as we learned. I am often afraid that parents who tsk tsk the coddling of children are in favor of pushing them without also getting involved. Without also knowing their children well and being there to teach along the way. Kids do need love and guidance. 

 

From the article: "To be clear, I’m not saying you should make your kids do things they don’t understand or aren’t capable of, nor am I saying you should let them play in the street if it isn’t safe, or walk to the store if the neighborhood is dangerous. The idea is to teach them how to cope with what life throws at them."

 

I think also, sometimes, headlines for successful parenting tips are a little clickbait-y and misleading. For example, the one I read this morning was titled: "I Raised Two Successful CEOs and a Doctor. Here's the 'Unpopular' Parenting Rule I Always Used on my Kids." 

 

"Unpopular" is used to get your hackles up, so you'll click. And "two successful CEOs and a Doctor" is used to prove the parenting rule equals success. 

 

Some of us (guilty!) might avoid clicking simply because the headline itself represents things you think are wrong with the world. And others simply feel as though parenting suggestions, popular or un, are rarely useful for their unique parenting circumstances. 

 

We all hope to help our children become successful, there's nothing wrong with headlining it. It's just that "successful" isn't about how impressive your children's work titles are. However, it isn't NOT that, either. The author's three daughters climbed the ladders in male-dominated fields because that's what they wanted and they had the skills and confidence to do so. They are, let's presume for the sake of my point, successful because they are happy in the lives they are living and unafraid of going after what they want.

 

So, if you are a parent of any type of child, allow parenting tips, ideas, and rules into your space. Don't spend so much time seeking and learning that you aren't parenting or trusting yourself, of course. But allow them in.

 

Take a look at the article I read (again, here's a link). See how you can shift the specifics but keep the idea: that your kids can and should learn to do a lot for themselves. Have fun with it! 

 

Oh, and sometimes it might take years for them to learn (like me making professional phone calls - I think that took me fifty years to get comfortable doing? BTW: I will be fifty soon. ) and there are a few times you might abandon something for the sake of everyone's health, but as long as you are consistently mostly not abandoning (and especially if you are willing to abandon when it is right) everyone will continually learn to do a lot for themselves. 

 

If you are interested in getting parenting advice for you and your children with cognitive challenges, disorders or dysfunctions, techniques and teachings specifically created with you and your family in mind, I BEG YOU to sign up for my mom and Louloua's parenting course here: All Brains Grow - The Course. It is a phenomenal way to learn about the brain, enjoy their fun teaching style, discover how to play with your family in brain beneficial ways, understand how your behaviors and beliefs are influencing the brains in your home and choose them - your behaviors and beliefs - accordingly.

 

In the meantime, don't be shy about believing in success for you and your kiddos. Be outspoken and eccentric about it! If you hear a parenting tip that sounds true to you, make it work for you and your kiddos! 

 

My mom raised eight of us and though we aren't all CEOs or doctors, we are all living our dream lives. Seriously, I'm not even exaggerating. 

 

We are all the most amazing examples of awesome happy success in the world! (Okay, teeny tiny exaggeration here. tee hee!)

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: When My Son Told Me He Was Gay

I wrote the following piece for SexualDiversity.org

Back in 2014 my son, who was still in high school at the time, took a deep breath and nervously told his friends he was gay. Well, nervously posted it on Facebook. His plan, as he explained it to me later, was to post it and gauge reactions, ready to say he had been hacked and it wasn’t true if he didn’t feel he could face the reaction. 

When he told me about it I was impressed, surprised, and uncomfortable about the need for him to “dip his toe in the water” as he put it, instead of just be who he is knowing that who he is was perfectly fine. 

But also I was confused about something.

"Why didn't you tell us first?" I wondered out loud. “We’re your family, I’m surprised you didn’t tell us first that you’re gay.”

"Oh, mom," he laughed, "I don't have to come out to you guys! You love me no matter what. It's not something I felt like I'd have to sit you down and tell you. I knew my friends would have to process it, and that some of them wouldn't be okay with it. I never worry about that with my family!"

Well. Huh. That's a pretty awesome reason!

But, and here I would like to stop writing and leave it at we are all an awesome family. 

But –

I did not behave awesome. I behaved okay.

At first, I just accepted it out loud while internally questioning.

Is he really gay? Or perhaps he is bi-sexual, clearly he has feelings for some of the boys, I’ve seen that, but he’s had so many girlfriends. My goodness, he’s had at least one girlfriend on the go since he was in kindergarten! And his freshman year in high school he had two. (He was not two timing, they were all in one threesome relationship.) 

Then I started asking him. “Are you sure you’re gay?” 

“Yes.” He’d say, easily. 

“But all those girlfriends! Did something happen? Did it change, or are you maybe bisexual? Do you think it’s a phase?”

I don’t know why I felt the need to ask these questions in the way I asked them. I know part of me was worried that he’d paint himself into a corner by announcing “I am this” which is something I keep an eye on for myself and all my children, but there was clearly more to it. I was worried about him being gay in small-town Texas. But I could have had these thoughts and concerns without questioning him. I could still ask questions, those are wonderful! But I wish I hadn’t questioned him.

According to him he’s always known he was gay but tried not to be. He tried to like his girlfriends, girls who chose him and insisted he go out with them, because he didn’t think it was good to be gay. Around him he didn’t see gay couples, none were in his favorite movies, his friends and brothers used the term as a punchline. So, sad and simply put, he tried not to be.

But he is gay.

And it is okay, it is fine, it is not at all something he should have to “come out” and say.

I was okay when he told me, but I was not awesome.

I hope others will be better than me.

I hope others will be awesome. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My son, Shay.

Autism Answer: Frustration Dreams and Picture Frames

Writing down my dream.

I had a frustration dream the other night.

Feelings of frustration are rarely waiting for me when I sleep, but I know when they are it's a good idea to acknowledge and explore them. This particular dream, however, needed very little exploration and I had already been acknowledging it. There was little in the way of subtlety.

THE DREAM: My family and friends were all around, coffee flowing, children playing, teenagers dancing, grown-ups gabbing, life was glowing. I was taking a moment to SEE them, to LOOK at them, to paint a portrait of the chaotic spectacle of spectacular togetherness in my mind.

Brilliantly, (or so I thought at the time) I decided to snap a true photo for posterity.

Pulling out my camera I attempted to put all the people in frame.

It. Was. Impossible.

There were too many people hanging out in too many places, one style of fun wasn't coming through the lens with the right mood if set beside the other style of fun, the inclusion of everyone was impossible and so was the inclusion of the absolute joy in the chaos. I moved back to get it all in, but it still wouldn't fit in the frame and now it had no mood other than a mess of people, and closer in I could only isolate small parts of the picture if I wanted to capture any true version of what was happening around me. And now it was happening around me without me because in my attempt to put it all in one frame I had taken myself out of the picture almost entirely. Not entirely, of course, because I was there, trying to put it all in one frame, in one place. Trying to force it to fit.

I woke up as I felt my dream-self fall completely away and give up entirely.

Now, I'm not at a loss or at all unsure of the meaning or timing of this dream. Oh, no. Not at all.

In fact, this dream was almost inevitable.

Physically and emotionally right now I am trying to be and see and feel too many of my people in too many places.

It. Is. Impossible.

Without giving away too much of my family's personal stuff (which they are absolutely entitled to and which I am surprisingly rarely tempted to borrow for my own purposes, considering how addicted I am to sharing my own personal stuff with you!) here is where I am: In California at my sister's house, living temporarily with her family while they work at building a new kind of life due to recent events - including my son, his wife, and their new daughter moving in with them and dealing with their own unexpected and scary life events - while my mom lives a few hours away with two of my brothers, two of my sons, one of my daughters-in-law and two of my granddaughters who are all pretty much navigating newness and change, while my husband is home in Texas, alone for the first time in years because our youngest son started University in August and lives on campus, two hours away from our Texas home, and he (our son) is without a car, while my youngest brother deals with lonliness bigger than usual because I am not at my usual post in my Texas house ready to greet him with coffee and conversation at a moments notice, while my best friend is struggling with a new job and her children are dealing with new adulthood and unexpected health issues while her husband is out of state making money and unable to get home. So *breath* all my people are doing new things and living lives of change and reaching out for me while I reach out for them but I am one person in one body with minimal money for travel.

Clearly, the dream did not surprise me.

It did, however, give me an answer.

My Answer: My situation is frustrating and that's okay. As long as I do my best to be where I am when I'm there, and to find MOMENTS for the things I miss and want to be part of. As long as I remember to have faith that I am not necessary for the success of these many new shifts, but I am wanted and that's nice. My absence, however, leaves room for other people and opportunities. I am not in the way of them if I allow myself to be gone. This is a gift, too. 

 

I can waste my time struggling to frame it all in one picture, or I can appreciate the bigness of our fragmented fun. I can gather myself together and stay where I am. I can look where I'm looking and trust in where I can't see.

This is what it is to parent. And I have done it for years. Keeping an eye on what is in front of me so we can learn skills and grow together from the place where we're at, not the places I've heard or read we should be. I've always tried to be with my kids when I'm with them and trust in them and their world when I'm not. This is what it is to parent. Turns out, this is also what it is to let go as a parent. Which is still parenting. 

And I'll be doing it for years. Might as well start getting good at it now. 

 

Phew! Problem solved. Maybe now I'll have room to dream up the answer to life's biggest question: How is it possible that some people are not lying when they say they don't love coffee? How?

Happy Tuesday, friends! May your dreams bring you answers and your friends bring you coffee! (Unless you don't like coffee. In which case, are you sure you aren't lying? Giggle!)

Hugs, smiles, and love!! 

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)