Autism Answer: Mental Health During this Pandemic – Three Indoor Tips for Growing Healthy from Inside to Out

May is Mental Health Awareness month. I encourage everyone to seek information that can stymie stigma and encourage personal mental health, always. But during an “awareness” month there tends to be a bit more, well, awareness! Hence May offers a timely opportunity and easier access to information.

I am not a mental health expert, but my mom (Dr. LynetteLouise, aka The Brain Broad) is. 

Firstly, I encourage you to read her books, watch her videos, listen to her music, and explore her articles, particularly if you or someone in your family has special needs or a disability. 

Secondly, though I am not an expert I am both a human during a challenging time, and a sister to people with autism and other mental health challenges. So though I am not qualified to counsel I do have pertinent experiences and insights to offer. And as a human during this challenging time and as a sister to people with mental health challenges I am compelled to share my tips in the hopes that it will help you, which in turn will help me and my family. After all, we all live together in this same world. Even when we see it and experience it so very differently.

I confess, I love chatting about tricks for personal mental health and happiness. I could (and will, given a chance!) discuss with you for hours various thoughts and habits and stories that shine new light, offer new perspectives, and plant nourishing healthy beliefs. But we are not together and cannot discuss.

So, here are three tips I can share easily. Though I do wish you were here to chat about it with me! We could discuss why I believe helping ourselves grow healthy on the inside will help our world when we go back to the outside. Anyway, three tips: 

1)   Bingeing on shows, books, songs: Right off the bat, I’m going to cheat. My mom wrote a brilliant and influential article published on BrainSpeak.com titled: Bingeing For Self-Improvement – I do hope you read it. In the article, she uses her expertise as an international expert as well as a mom. As her daughter, I grew up in a home that intuitively took seriously the art and stories we put in our brains. We chose our movies, shows, books, songs, and images with purpose and self-reflection. In such a diverse home as ours (my mom had eight kids; six were adopted, five had various cognitive challenges, four were on the autism spectrum, and all of us had unique personalities) it quickly became clear what was/is healthy for the brain of one person was not necessarily healthy for the brain of another. And, always, the individual doing the watching/listening has a responsibility to notice and choose how they receive what they put in and what they will allow. CONCLUSION: Choose what you watch, read, listen to, binge on always with purpose and self-reflection. But particularly now, as anxiety is prevalent. Although anxiety is not your friend you can use it in a healthy way. With worries top of mind, notice them. Explore them. Be purposeful and careful, do not wrap up and hide away because of them but, instead, see what it is they are telling you about you. Then watch, read, or listen to something that takes you in a healthy direction. You don’t

want to seek validation for your anxiety (don’t worry, you’ll find it anyway) but rather actions you can take to confront it, or even simply let it go.

2)      Intimacy with yourself. This is an excellent time to explore your own intimate self. Yes, I am hinting at sexuality and masturbation, but it can and should be part of a more all-encompassing intimacy. May is also national masturbation month. Orgasms are a healthy cost-free way of relieving stress, but sex can also be fraught with mental health barricades. Traumas, disabilities, worries, body image issues, there are so many vulnerabilities that we can’t ignore during sexual encounters. If you are at home with a partner, or alone, these issues can be explored. Be intimate, be purposeful, be inclusive, be curious, be gentle and patient. If you are only alone, use this time to truly know what pleasures you and why. Pay attention to your fantasies – do not judge them! – but certainly, ask yourself questions about them. Pay attention to what types of touch you like and don’t like. Wonder why. Practice asking for it. If you are with a partner, this can be done together I hope. Some of us, sadly, are alone with a cruel or abusive partner. (RAINN and other organizations are set up to offer help in these cases.) But even more of us that are alone with a partner could really spark healthy and important conversations and connections with careful considerate and intimate explorations. CONCLUSION: Touch yourself, touch your partner, and have the vulnerable naked conversations about sex and pleasure that perhaps you have avoided or never even considered. And if you are comfortable and able, share what you are learning with others. (The site SexualDiversity.org would love your stories!) People with disabilities are dangerously underrepresented in sexual literature and learnings, so I doubly encourage you to be brave and share. If you can. Firstly, work on yourself. ;D

3)      Trauma and Healing – this pandemic is causing trauma for many. And for those of us who are already trauma survivors it can be triggering as well. Also, many of our go-to healing activities have been taken off the table as options. For example, I go dancing. One of the things I do when I need to center and find my inner healthy connected-to-the-universe and valuable self, is go dancing. But all the clubs and dive bars are closed, rightfully so. Dancing at home is lovely and helps, but I don’t have a sound system that pulses the music into me the way it does at a bar. What I’ve done is switch it up a bit. I still use music and dancing, but instead of crawling inside the music and setting my body free, I'm surrounding myself with songs that bring me back in time and I am reliving my memories with purpose. Coloring them in with intention and love of self. This has helped me. I know you can do something similar. Reaching out to our support networks and healing activities may look different for now, but it is worth doing. Finding the different that helps you. Help your happiness and healing by finding new ways to balance your brain; using old tools or discovering completely untried ones. Now is a wonderful time to try things you put on a back burner for later, or even things you thought were silly. Perhaps you can make them not silly. Do them in a way that works for you. Yoga, guided meditation, dancing, singing, building, climbing trees. CONCLUSION: We can take care of our own mental health during this particularly challenging time even if our common helpers are not available to us or are only available in a different way. We also can still reach out to our networks of support. Our networks are also in need of support, and offering it is also healthy. Whether we offer it in the form of asking for them to be there for us, or in the form of being there for them, it is still a mutually beneficial relationship. Even if it must be remote, we can still be connected. 

These three tips are helping me during this strange time in our world. As I said, I am not an expert in mental health. At least, not in your mental health. But I am rather good at knowing how to help me and my family.

And since we are all one family right now, navigating this world at a unique and challenging time, I can’t help but want to share with you and to presume one or two things I have to offer will be helpful.

If we share our ideas and tips, we can build ourselves healthy from the inside out so that when we do go back more convincingly into the outside world, we can step out of our inside with a stronger mindset and healthy ideas.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Were We Supposed To? A Story of Rye's Rape

April is both Autism Awareness Month & Sexual Assault Awareness Month - As you know my mom,  Dr. Lynette Louise (aka "The Brain Broad") is an expert in both, and she even has a birthday on World Autism Awareness Day (April 2), but what you probably do not know is that my youngest brother, Rye, is also an expert (albeit, a different kind) in both, and he too has a birthday in April.

Today, April 27th, is Rye's birthday. Happy birthday, little brother!! He will be coming over in the afternoon to use my wifi and to pig out on pie with whipped cream. I'm looking forward to it!

In the meantime, here is an important true story that incorporates both sexual assault awareness and autism awareness. It is not an easy story to read and was far more challenging to live through. But, we did. Because I believe, we are supposed to.

Were We Supposed To?

A Story of Rye's Rape

The camera was on me, the officer was waiting for my reply, I was holding back tears wanting oh so bad to be strong for my brother. This was his hurt, his horrible horrible hurt, the crime committed to him, his body and safety, but in that moment I just couldn’t hold back the pain of my own guilt.

“He wanted to stay at our house, he asked if he could sleep on the couch,” the tears are escaping now, but only such a small percentage, I am able to hold back the neverending flood that pulses behind my eyes and throbs in my head. “I told him to go home, he has his own apartment, I made up something about not wanting to start a habit of him sleeping here at our mom’s house, but the truth is I just didn’t feel like hanging out with him anymore. And then,” I look at the officer, he too wearing a touch of hurt and guilt, and say it: “And then he went home and got raped.”

# # #

It was late but I was still awake. The phone rang and I saw on the caller ID that it was coming from the gas station in town. Rye. 

I considered ignoring it, but that might give him reason to have a temper tantrum in the store which might lead to him not being allowed back there for a while, which would lead to me having to help him more often.

So, I answered.

“Uh, hi,” he stammered, “I was raped. I escaped out the window, he might still be at my apartment.”

Blood left me so fast I nearly passed out. Had I heard him right? “Wait, what Rye? What?”

“Some guy came in my apartment and raped me. He made me go in the shower after so I snuck out the back window and came here to call you, I’m only wearing shorts. I can’t stay.”

“Oh, my god! Rye, really? Oh my god. Okay, are you okay? Did you call the police?” I was trembling now. 

“No. Should I? Am I supposed to?” Rye asked, unsure. He sounded out of breath and scared. 

Am I supposed to? 

“Actually, Rye, let me call my husband and have him pick you up. I’ll call the police. We’ll go from there. Just wait at the gas station. Hold on, the guy that raped you might still be at your house?”

“I don’t know,” Rye admitted, “I just snuck out the back but I think I heard him go out the front door.”

“Okay, you wait there if they’ll let you. Milton will be there soon and I’m going to call the police now. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

We hung up and I called my hubby. We were happily married but living in separate homes. 

“Ya.” He answered.

“Rye was raped in his apartment and is waiting for you at the gas station. Can you go get him? I’ll call the police.” 

I heard my hubby jolt. “Uh, okay. I’ll call you when I’m with him.”

I called the police. A woman answered.

“What’s your emergency?”

“Yes, hi. My brother lives in Teague and someone just broke into his apartment and raped him.”

“What?” she asked.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Someone just raped him and he escaped out his back window. My husband is picking him up from the gas station and will be with him. Can someone go there and, I don’t know, take a report?”

“Yes, we’ll send an officer. What is his address?”

Do I give Rye’s apartment address? Do I send Rye and my hubby back to his place to meet the officer, back where the trauma literally just occurred? But where they may have a better shot of catching the rapist? 

Am I supposed to? 

I give her my brother’s address and call my hubby. 

“How is Rye?”

“He’s here with me. The front door is open, I think the person ran off and left the door open.”

“Can you please stay there with him until the officer arrives? Thank you, and can I talk to Rye?”

So I talked with my brother while he waited to tell the story to the police. I apologized for sending him home, he said it was okay, I apologized that I didn’t have enough gas or gas money to come see him, he said it was okay. He told me what happened and I cried.

A man had knocked on his door, late but not impossibly late. It was only a little after ten PM. Rye opened the door a crack, sort of recognized the guy from here and there, and told him he didn’t have time right now. The guy said something about wanting to see or buy CDs or movies or something, Rye talked for a bit, opened the door wider, and the man pushed his way in, said he had a gun, made Rye lie on his stomach on the bed. Rye couldn’t see a gun but there was something in the man’s pocket,  he couldn’t see the man now, but heard him get a condom. The man raped Rye, my baby brother, who was oh so scared and it hurt, and then told him to shut up and get in the shower. Rye got in the shower and soon, too scared to stay in his apartment, left the shower running and snuck out the back window. 

Then, he phoned his sister. A sister who had told him to go home because she didn’t feel like hanging out with him.

Was I supposed to let him stay that night?

Rye is not diagnosable as autistic anymore, my mom and he have done so much work on his social skills, behaviors, and brain change that he is not considered on the autism spectrum anymore. But he still is a strange, quirky guy. He still struggles with a lower than average IQ, and issues from before my mom adopted him (Fetal Alcohol Syndrom, for example.) He is a guy easily (and often) taken advantage of, largely because he does not want to be cruel and judgmental in the ways so many have been to him. So he is welcoming to strangers at ten o’clock at night.

The police officer took Rye’s statement, and then called me.

“We will take him to Waco for an examination, do you want to come?”

“I want to,” I admitted, “but I don’t have enough gas money.” 

I hoped the officer would offer to pick me up, at which point I would ask my hubby to stay with our sleeping children, but he did not.

“Okay, I’ll have Rye call you when it is all done and I have him back here in Teague.”

I thanked him, I told Rye I love him, I hung up and called mom.

# # #

The police officer nodded in understanding. I looked at him, sitting slightly behind and to the right, my right, of the camera.

“I saw that guy, just some guy, knock on Rye’s door. I was patrolling the block. But I didn’t recognize him. I don’t know who he is.” The officer looked young and a little shaken, but he was mostly professional. I don’t know if he was trying to justify himself to me or give me a story of understanding, so I would not be entirely alone in my guilt. Or maybe he was just talking, thinking out loud, remembering that night.

So many little things that could have changed the story. Why hadn’t I let Rye stay? Why hadn’t we been better at teaching him it’s okay to say no, it isn’t judgmental to say no? Why hadn’t the police officer taken more notice of a man at Rye’s door late at night if he was on patrol?

Was he supposed to?

# # #

I spent the night after Rye’s rape sleeping on Rye’s couch. Rye and I agreed that he wanted to get comfortable in his apartment and so we worked on a plan. I stayed there, visited more often, and remained particularly available to him. He agreed to keep his door locked and just pretend he isn’t home if someone knocks, he listened when I explained why that’s not mean or judgmental, and he has since then done his best to always have a phone so he can call me or our mom in an emergency. He can call the police. 

He still lives in that apartment and he likes his life.

Today is his birthday. 

He is 35. 

Rye comes to visit me most days and we enjoy each other’s company. I help him often with things online, and he helps me sometimes by lending me his car. We are a good team.

And when I visit him he is generally ready for me to leave after about twenty minutes. When he visits me, it’s about the same. 

He goes to his home and I go to mine.

We are a team, but the trauma of his rape did not leave him – or me – dependent or desperate. We have learned ways to stay safer and grown smarter, but we have not given in or given up.

Were we supposed to?

# # #

Me and Rye at my house