Autism Answer: Video Games And Social Skills - Years Later

 

My youngest son playing video games.

 
My youngest son was on the phone with a college admissions woman the other day. She asked him a bit about himself, including why he wanted to be a video game developer.

"Well," he explained without hesitation, "I used to have autism when I was little, and social situations were really hard for me. I mean, really hard. I felt everyone's feelings and couldn't handle it, it hurt to be so confused and caring, so I just tried to avoid it. It was really hard." 

I continued to pretend to be working on my computer as he sighed and sacrificed a moment, offering silence in honor of the memory. The woman on the other line waited for my son to complete his answer.

He began again with enthusiasm. "But then I discovered video games and I practiced being social with characters. I felt the feelings still, but I felt like I had a different kind of control in there, I was more able to try new things because video games gave me a sense of purpose - you know, missions and stuff - but they also gave me room to figure out social skills. My empathy could cause fear and hurt for me in video games too, but I handled it better and found ways to take action better. You know, because it was a game. And then I practiced what I learned in the games with my friends at school. It took a lot of years but now I'm way better with my social skills and social stuff in general. And I still use games when I need to find that balance again. If I could give that kind of acceptance and place to learn confidence to even just one other person struggling to feel comfortable with the world, if I could do that for just one other person, creating video games would be worth it."

I couldn't hear what the woman on the other end of the line was saying in response to his explation because I moved into the other room and closed my eyes and felt feelings. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

RANDOM INSIDER ADDITION: As Declyn's mom I feel qualified to tell you that his story, his explation of learning social skills with the help of video games, is true. But also, it isn't. At least, it isn't the whole truth. I mean, yes, he did use the games in the way described, but he also used them to meet fellow gamers in the non-virtual world. He also had brothers to practice social skills and gaming with. He also had me, encouraging and allowing and guiding and helping him choose specific games. He also had other interests and skills that helped. I know you already understand that there is always much more to any story, but I wanted to take the time to add this addendum anyway because so many of our kids are attracted to video games. We can use them as a tool, but it takes purpose and work. Declyn did the work. With a little help from his environment, a few mistakes along the way, and then reframing, regrouping, and remembering the goal, he did the work of using video games well. I think it's of value to keep that in mind. Regardless of our passions, they can be explored and taken advantage of in healthy ways but they can also trap us in less than healthy, even dangerous, ways. It's of value to keep this in mind when we allow ourselves and our loved ones freedom with our interests and passions. Let's keep an eye on a healthy goal.

BONUS RANDOM ADDITION: My son is seriously interested in that college he was talking to, it's one of his top picks, and we're going to an open house on Saturday.  
_______________________________________

I'd love to share more of our journey with you! As a mom, sibling, and daughter of autism I have learned and grown so much. Feel free to bounce around my blog, read posts that interest you, or purchase my book, Spinning In Circles And Learning From Myself: A Collection Of Stories That Slowly Grow Up wherein I have gathered a few of my favorites that I feel example and explore (candidly, so you'll go to some uncomfortable places with me) life lessons, hurt, mistakes, and most importantly, insistant joy, thoughtful answers, and intentional storytelling. Have a peek at the customer reviews on Amazon to learn what others are saying about the stories. So far, it's been spectacularly rewarding and humbling! 

Happy reading!
~Tsara 

Short Story: Lonely Spirit (Flash Fiction)

*Author's Note: I wrote this spooky short story in response to Chuck Wendig's most recent Flash Fiction Challenge - Create Your Own Monster.  I had fun trying to invent a monster, but I had even more fun watching my son edit this piece for me. He's got some serious skill! His ability to point out where the story was saying more than necessary and where there was not enough honestly surprised me. Also, I wonder if he tells all the other authors that their stories are cheesy? tee hee! 

I hope you enjoy Lonely Spirit. Be sure to check out some of the other invented monsters in the comment section over on Chuck's blog and maybe even write one of your own! Hugs! ~Tsara

Lonely Spirit

“What’s that man, mommy?”

She sits at the edge of the woods, her bum soaked from the damp ground. Over and over she hears his tiny tinny voice: “What’s that man, mommy?”

Her arms float up involuntarily, reaching for her son, desperately willing him to appear and join his sweet sweet voice which she replays in her heart, trying to believe that if she never lets it go he’ll come back. That man will give him back.

But she doesn’t know which one in this forest of possibilities is him.

*

“What’s that man, mommy?” Dylan asks, eyes looking curiously out the front picture window of their home, toward the forest.

“What man?” Ramona questions, looking up from the nature magazine she’s been flipping through, comparing last year’s winning photos to her own recent submission.

Both of her boys have vivid imaginations. Particularly Dylan. At four years old he seems capable of building worlds with his imagination that Ramona herself would love to photograph.

But he’s never imagined seeing a man out the window before. Ramona feels the hairs on her neck stand up – existing perhaps only for moments of mommy fear – and her heart beats quickly. “Where?” she asks Dylan while walking toward the window carrying a confidence constructed out of pretend.

“Like a tree. In the woods. Oh, it’s the tree-man!” Dylan exclaims, suddenly uninterested in the window and finished with the topic.

Ramona purposely breathes a sigh of relief meant to tell her not to be afraid. Obviously, a tree looks to her big-haired boy like a man and he let his mind bring it to life.

But Ramona still feels a fringe of fear and walks the perimeter of her small house, looking carefully out every window into the woods that surround them. Living in nature is delightful (not to mention convenient) for a nature photographer and single mom of two wildly wonderful boys. Hidden out here, away from most of the dangers of man, was not only affordable but also a purposeful choice. Allowing her sons to explore freely was one of the most important things to her as a mom. But she hadn’t fooled herself into believing that no dangerous people would ever find them out here. Or that nature herself was without danger.

“You know what kiddo? We should get your brother to join us and check out the tree you’re talking about.”

Ramona’s suggestion is more for a change of mood than an interest in the tree, but Dylan is thrilled to introduce her to the tree. “Darrin!” he hollers, “Let’s show mommy the man!”

As Dylan runs toward the bedroom that he shares with his brother Ramona feels the fear stir again. Darrin saw a man, too? Why hadn’t she followed up on those self-defense classes last year? Refusing to own any real weapons rarely felt like the wrong decision, but this evening felt differently.

Darrin came out of his room with an almost guilty expression. “You know about the man?” asked her ten year old almost shyly. 

Ramona’s mouth went immediately dry. “Get your hair out of your eyes,” she croaked instinctively. These words were uttered out of habit and yet she also felt an almost frightful need to see his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

Picking Dylan up she moved toward Darrin and glanced out the uncovered windows as she did. Damn that brilliant idea to shun blinds or curtains or anything else that blocked nature from their view. When she had made that point to her boys she’d felt clever. Rather than complain about being broke, she’d turned it into a statement. It was beginning to feel like a dangerous statement.

“Not a man, a tree,” Darrin explained. “But, like a tree-man, sort of. It’s hard to explain. He’s just lonely. He just wants people to talk to.”

Ramona stared at Darrin feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. It was a game! Oh, thank God!

“Oh, a tree-man? That makes sense. I’ve always known trees had spirits and personalities. But how can he be lonely? Look at that forest!”

Dylan giggled and wriggled out of Ramona’s arms, then ran to the front door. “Come on,” he called. “See tree-man!”

“Don’t…” Darrin whispered. “Wait for me.”

Ramona shook her head in appreciation, still willing the heebee-jeebees to settle down and stop prickling her skin. “Darrin, go out with your brother. I’ll be right there. The sun’s going down and I think I can get some gorgeously lit pictures of your tree-man.”

Darrin didn’t need to be asked, though, and had already donned his old sneakers. Letting his hair fall back over his eyes he followed the excited energy of his little brother carrying a nervous energy of his own. As she watched her oldest son close the door behind him Ramona felt his unusual nervousness fill the room. Had the two of them turned this game into something scary?

Or, and it surprised Ramona to hear herself wonder this, maybe the nervousness had nothing to do with this “tree-man” and everything to do with what Darrin had been up to before they’d called to him. She hadn’t ever caught her ten-year-old chatting inappropriately online or anything of that sort. But there was a first time for everything. She’d always felt pretty safe in that regard because he didn’t really have a lot of outside influences. But, of course, he had some.

Ramona grabbed the camera from her bedroom and then decided to take a quick peek in the boy's room before meeting them outside. Not snoop exactly, just peek.

The beds weren’t made, that was certainly not unusual. Heck, Ramona didn’t ever make her own bed and would have been far more uncomfortable if the beds were made. A video game was paused on the small television screen, the image of a black werewolf stood almost still, bouncing slightly and looking around; menacing without movement. Maybe this rented game was what had caused the nervousness.

On the floor, Ramona recognized some pictures she’d seen Darrin drawing the other day, but now they had more meaning.

They were drawings of a tree-man. He was truly frightening, not a Mother Nature spirit type like what she imagined when walking in the woods surrounding the house. This was menacing. Mean.

And he looked lonely.

Ramona felt the fear well up again. Was this something for a child psychiatrist? No. She didn’t believe that. But she was feeling a strange fear of the picture that she couldn’t explain even to herself.

Leaving the drawings where they lay she headed quickly for the door.

“Boys,” she called out, heading in the direction of the fire pit. Even without a fire burning she knew that’s where they would be.

Indeed, that’s where they had been spending most of their evenings these past few weeks. Why was she just now realizing this? The fire pit, right near the edge of the woods, right out the window where Dylan had asked about the man.

They stood there now, looking out into the woods, surrounded by a light breeze, the sound of crickets, and the smell of old campfire.

“He’s mad at me,” Darrin explained as Ramona got closer.

The sun was receding to the left of them, tinting the sky a light pink that rarely failed to move them into a thoughtful quiet. But tonight it colored Ramona’s mood, mocking her with a feeling of weakness. Suddenly she felt alone out here in the woods, only her to protect them.

“Why would he be mad, honey?” Ramona asked, bringing the camera to her eye so she could look into the woods with an ability to focus.

Darrin was digging his sneakered toe into the grass at his feet, an entirely uncommon habit for him. 

Dylan had picked up a stick and was using it as a sword, fighting the mosquitos and smiling winningly at his victories.  

“I was supposed to bring Dylan yesterday, but I changed my mind.” Darrin looked up from his feet and into the woods. Ramona could feel her son’s fear now, but there was nothing she could see in the woods. Sure, lots of trees and weeds. But no men.

“Where’s that man now, Darrin?” Dylan asked absentmindedly. “He’s lonely, remember? He needs my imagination and my stories.”

Ramona began to see this for what it was. A child’s game, enhanced by scary rented video games. Time to put on her big girl pants and stop it before it grew into something permanently damaging. As children’s games sometimes do.

“Okay, boys, cute game. But now we’re going inside to watch a family movie. How ‘bout a Pirate Movie?”

“Ya!” Dylan poked Darrin with his stick and laughed.

Darrin shrugged, trying to feign indifference, but he was already headed toward the house stealing furtive fearful glances into the dark woods.

“And first thing tomorrow I’m returning that rented game, buddy.”

“No!” Darrin whined, suddenly unconcerned with the forest and purely worried about the game. “I haven’t beaten the game yet! One more day, please!”

Ramona didn’t feel like arguing so she said nothing. Instead, she scooped Dylan’s snuggly four-year-old body into her arms and said, “Anyway, I don’t want to share your imagination and stories with the tree-man. I want them all for me!” She then kissed and kissed his soft, soft cheeks.

*

Darrin stood quietly at the window, watching his mom call out silently to the trees. He wanted to hold her and tell her he was sorry. He wanted her to hold him and tell him it was okay.

But he wasn’t all the way sorry. The tree-man had been lonely. And for a while, it was enough that the boys would sit and talk with him while he stayed hidden in the shadows. But Dylan’s stories had captivated and obsessed the tree-man, making him bigger. He started to frighten Darrin with questions and requests. Could he keep Dylan? He didn’t need mom or Darrin, but he needed Dylan with his unlimited imagination and energy. He became dangerous and threatening but promised to disappear if he could have Dylan. Only Dylan.

He wasn’t all the way sorry because he knew that he had helped the tree-man and saved himself and his mom. And anyway, Dylan liked the tree-man.

He wasn’t all the way sorry, but he was all the way sad. And he knew it wasn’t going to be okay.

He closed his eyes and whispered with his mom, “What’s that man, mommy? What’s that man?”

*

The End 

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Video Game Passions and PewDiePie

When I'm passionate about something I love seeing all the benefits it offers. Coffee helps your brain and your colon, an open mind allows me to love freely and choose wisely, reading novels is a doorway to other worlds that travels comfortably in my purse, etc. etc. 

Video games, well, they bore me. They look like a time waster, a responsibility avoid-er, an exercise eraser. But for my youngest son they are so much more than that!

He feels the stories the way I feel the books I read. He generates ideas and opinions based on attempts, failures, and wins the way I generate ideas when writing and reading articles. He problem solves and reaches for help the way I do when I'm parenting or creating a campaign.

Also, he avoids social challenges, the way I do when I'm reading books. He blows the importance of the problems to be solved out of proportion, the way I do when I'm parenting or creating a campaign. Also, he proves his business by pointing to ideas and opinions generated as a way to procrastinate, the way I do when I'm writing and reading articles.

The other day I saw an article claiming that PewDiePie had the #1 Rated YouTube channel, by terms of SlateScore. I wasn't surprised. PewDiePie is a Swedish video game commentator. Basically, he plays video games and talks about them on video, and people watch. Lots of people!

My son has been a fan of his for years now, and I'll be honest. I used to find it perplexing! Why the heck would he want to spend hours watching someone play video games?? I mean, I wouldn't sit and watch someone read a book. Not even my favorite book!

Though, I sure would love to sit and chat about it passionately when they're through....

And that's the thing. My son is passionate about video games. They're both his abler and enabler. So watching someone else be passionate (which is usually fun, regardless) about something that's a passion of his--well, I kinda get it!

PewDiePie sees things my son doesn't see while playing, and points them out. PewDiePie sees things my son does see, and talks about it alongside him. It's exciting!

As much as I think it would be a "better" world if Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad had the most popular YouTube channel, well... that's selfish and even prejudiced of me. Passion is passion, and judging another person's path to finding themselves and their values is NOT what I hope to teach, or believe!

So I will continue to help my son keep his passions healthy, and insist on keeping an eye on my own so that they also remain healthy. And when we dabble in the procrastination or avoidance zone--we'll laugh and smile and change and totally get each other!

My books are nice. 
His games are nice.
Our passions are us.

And they're equally valuable!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Playing at his Passion!!!

Autism Answer: Lessons in a Zombie Apocalypse!

So, all four of my boys are totally into zombies. My oldest two, who are nineteen and seventeen, are true believers in the inevitable zombie apocalypse. My youngest two, who are fifteen and thirteen, think they're awesome additions in any video game or movie idea! I am a huge fan of any catalyst for conversation with my boys, so I say 'Bring on the Dead!'

When my older guys and I talk about zombies, believe it or not, the conversation can get pretty sophisticated! With natural opportunities to talk about pharmaceuticals, the brain washing of nations, the importance of discovering our own passions and being true to ourselves, and let's not forget the importance of eating only organic and fair trade brain products!! 

With my younger boys we have followed interesting story line ideas and potential movie plots for the entertainment they hope to one day invent. And I have learned that entering and playing in the imaginations of my boys can be both fun and littered with teaching tools!!

So let's never scoff at our children's interests and obsessions! Let's play with them, and guide them and get to know how our kiddos think and what they hope for!! It's not only fun and surprising as a parent, but offers tons of insights into how different yet the same everyone is!!

It's fun to talk about zombies, but I refuse to be one!!

 Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

We love brains in our family. But we don't eat them! tee hee!

 www.lynettelouise.com