Autism Answer: Some New Years Are Another Chapter In A Book, Others Are An Entirely New Book In The Series

Time to reflect, create, plan, envision, and connect.

The New Year always offers a timely moment to consider, reflect, plan, and design a renewed vision for ourselves. 

However, while many New Years stretch before us with potential and possibilities waiting to be shaped by us, some New Years present themselves with the promise of huge life shifts regardless of any planning on our part. These New Years, arriving with unmistakable design changes already in the blueprint, are still wonderfully important opportunities to consider, reflect, plan, and design a renewed vision around, and indeed they almost demand it considering that new living has been previously decided. But they feel different. These New Years remind us that life is going to change, that people will leave, arrive, hold on, let go, regardless of any comfort we may have with our world the way it is, and we are always able to plan, reflect, and design new visions but we aren't always able to keep things the same, and we aren't the boss of the visions and plans our loved ones create. 

I am being welcomed into one of those New Years myself. 

2018 has my youngest son graduating high school with plans to leave home for college giving my hubby and I our first ever opportunity to live together without children or a school schedule tethering us to our town, I am expecting two more grandbabies, one of whom will be the first child for my second youngest son, and my mom (aka Dr. Lynette Louise The Brain Broad, aka My Employer) has asked me to do a new job for her as she shifts her career to one of consistently speaking and performing on stages around the world now that she is no longer accepting new clients. My New Year has been partially designed for me (new living environment, new job, new babies) while leaving plenty of room for me to reflect, plan, and design how I will step into it with passion, excitement, and intention. 

What an exciting time! It's almost like a blank canvas. Almost. But more like a sequel or series. I know the colors and characters that I certainly want written into this New Year while I find myself excited for and anticipating the new ones about to be introduced. Established storylines exhist and new ones are waiting to be discovered, explored, and invented.

Some New Years are like a new chapter in a book or a new episode in the same season of a show, while others are like a brand new book or an entirely new season. I feel myself getting ready to binge on an entirely new season while opening pages against the newness on the spine of a brand new book in a series. RANDOM ADDITION: I am not often found reading books in a series or even watching many shows, preferring to be more of a stand-alone movie and book fan, but that doesn't mean I don't ever do it or understand the joys of them. In fact, I ADORE the ones I choose, partly because I choose well and partly because I choose to ADORE the ones I choose. :D

Happy New Year, friends!! 

Regardless of how much your New Year promises to be similar to recent ones, an episode in a season of your life; or spectacularly different, a whole new season or even an entirely new show, I hope you have fun planning your role and creating visions and dreams and actions for 2018!!! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Social and Silly!

My family and friends think I'm silly. Heck, I think I'm silly! 

I'll walk in the Dollar Store singing out loud. I'll wear my jeans with the small hole in the crotch and trust no one to look. They're comfortable! 

Lucky for me I'm not struggling with sensory issues or extreme difficulty with focus. So I'm unchallenged enough to notice when my singing is inappropriate or my jeans are too obviously torn and drawing attention.

For my brother, Dar, that's just asking way too much. He's already handling inflammation, communication challenges, and sensory overload. He's already attempting to calm himself by stimming intensely, and trying to tidy up his unclear world by shoving everything within view off to the side or tucking it under something, and flicking the dangling string on a stranger's coat to see if it's attached or if it also needs tidying. 

He's not anti-social at all, and when he is able to get it across to us that he'd like some music to focus on as a way of compensating for all the other stimulation, he happily joins our family for fun! He LOVES when my boys invite friends over (much more than I do!) and will laugh and clap and jump and turn the music up! In those moments we often join him and are silly together! 

Autism doesn't somehow magically make a desire to connect with others disappear, it just makes it different. And more challenging. 

When I am my usual silly self, the world very often encourages me. Because I'm able to understand social cues and am unencumbered by consistent negative feedback to my social silliness. But when my autistic loved ones try to be social and silly, they are often met with very different reactions. And in the end, often pull away and stop trying. They are not anti-social or uninterested in trying. They are just less supported--worse, they are surrounded by a world that is hypocritical and confusing. A world that pretends to want original thought, independent young people, and authentic sense of self, while simultaneously stepping back from such difference with uncomfortable looks and handshakes un-offered. 

I'm thinking about this now because I just gave my brother some lunch and then walked away to check if I had any emails to answer. He picked up his plate of fish and rice, grabbed the sunflower oil and salt, and sat down on the floor behind me. Every now and then he flicks my ponytail. 

Anti-social?? My butt! 

Social and Silly?? You bet!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answer: The Sunshine Award (or I Guess I'm a Blogger!)

Well, it turns out I'm a blogger, with a blog that's worthy of being nominated for The Sunshine Award. Who'd have thunk?? I'm surprised, thrilled, and honored!!

In truth, I haven't ever thought of myself as a "blogger". So, in responding to this award, I will be exploring and sharing this new label that I'm accepting with pride, while you--the reader--explore with me! I'm so happy that you're here to help me celebrate!!

“For the Sunshine Award, the blogger must:

• Acknowledge the nominating blogger. (The beautiful, insightful, and fellow fan of the exclamation point: Words I Wheel By!! Thank-you so much!!!)

• Share 11 random facts about yourself.

• Answer 11 questions the nominating blogger has created for you.

• List 11 bloggers. They should be bloggers you believe deserve some recognition and a little blogging love!

• Post 11 questions for the bloggers you nominate to answer & let all the bloggers know they've been nominated. You cannot nominate the blogger that nominated you.”

Alright, so.... what are we waiting for?! Let's do this!!!

Eleven Random Facts About Me:

1) I eat entirely too much cheese, and drink copious amounts of soul nourishing coffee!  

2) I have four teenage sons: Jory, Tyran, Shay, and Declyn. I use everyone's real names in posts, articles and more. I grew-up in the public eye (my mom is international mental health therapist Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD) and find it very comfortable. My sons are actors, writers, dancers etc, and not only enjoy, but appreciate, being credited and bragged about publicly. Also, I truly believe that it is safer to live out loud than to hide and protect, for the most part. If there is something my family or I don't want to share, then we don't! 

3) I was a single mom for many years. I never, ever, ever imagined I would be a married woman. However, my husband and I have now been happily married for thirteen years, and I freaking love it!!!

4) I'm very comfortable talking about sex. There is so much we can learn about ourselves and human nature when we are willing to explore the insecurities, joys, and questions that present themselves during that very vulnerable and beautiful act. I also think it's a dangerous habit in our society to teach uncomfortable quickness or assume inappropriateness when sex is the topic. Many people see themselves as monsters or broken when they begin to feel sexual, and without comfort exploring the issue, there is little they can do to learn otherwise.

5) I'm very uninterested in talking about sex just for the sake of talking about sex.

6) I love reading novels. I love dancing to rock music. I love singing real loud to myself. 

7) I really, really, really love my husband, but I live for my children.

8) I am the oldest of eight kids. We are four girls and four boys. All of my brothers (who were adopted) had many labels: autism, fetal alcohol syndrome, mental retardation, auditory processing issues, and more. My mom was also on the autism spectrum, so it wasn't really that weird to us when she solved a myriad of issues (school, neighborhood, business, family bonding) by putting together a North American Prison Tour, where our entire family traveled in a van, learned life skills and performed comedy and music for prisoners. Doesn't everyone do that?

9) I have two step daughters that are older than me, and step-grandchildren that are almost my age. 

 10) My mom offered to hire me as her personal assistant and I have been growing as a writer, individual, and advocate ever since. We are an amazing team!!! And I am not surprised!

11) I have a huge crush on Mark Ruffalo. And a little crush on my dentist! (He has an accent. I love accents!)

My Answers To The Eleven Questions Words I Wheel By Posed:  

What causes are you most passionate about?

Well, that's a fun one!! Obviously, I have an interest in autism, mental health, and equality. I am very passionate about parenting, and revealing it's important and beautiful role in society. I am passionate about revealing answers and hope in the world of sexual abuse. I love the environment, organic farming, healthy habits... however, I believe that the cause I am most passionate about is an open mind and flexibility for change. The specifics (autism, environment, sexual abuse) of where I put my passion shifts, but the underlying theme remains the same. We need to be willing to change course when we discover new truths. This sounds simple--and actually is!--however it requires learning when we were wrong and complicit, and listening with an open mind to those who have very different views and attitudes. This can be frightening and challenging, but it is also always revealing and enlightening!

What project is on your to-do list that you keep meaning to finish?

That's an easy one! I've been meaning to make a to-do list! tee hee! No, seriously, the only project I have on my to-do list that isn't getting done is the writing of my novels. I have completed one outline, and worked a bit on two others. The characters live patiently in my head, waiting until my sons have all moved out of the house. You see, it turns out that when I'm writing, I'm not very nice to the real world! I have an issue with transitioning. I love my real life when I'm in it, and I love my made up lives when I'm living them, but transitioning between the two is not my strong suit! 

What are you having for dinner tonight?

Yikes!! And now, a sad truth. I'm not sure what we'll have for dinner, but can promise you this. It'll be something simple. I don't really cook. So, I'm thinking fresh-water tuna, crackers, broccoli and carrots? Or maybe cheese, crackers, salami and peppers? There is the slight possibility that I'll make spaghetti  but my boys are kinda sick of that. Since it's the only real meal I make! 

Facebook or Twitter?

Simple! Facebook for sure!! I love to use lots and lots and lots of words!! Also, Twitter kind of confuses me. It's like, a bunch of people talking all at once, and I don't exactly know what more than half of them are saying.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?

For sure I would take my husband and all four of our boys to Toronto, Ontario, Canada, where I did most of my growing up. We would ride subways and visit coffee shops and used book stores and breath deep and enjoy crisp fall air! Oh, did I mention we would go in the fall? Well, we would!!! I often imagine winning the lottery, renewing our passports, buying a car and heading north!! Home is where my heart is, my heart is where my boys are, and Toronto is where I was discovering myself at their age... it just seems like it would be so bloody fun!!!

Apple cider or hot chocolate?

Absolutely hot chocolate. With mostly coffee. Not quite half and half.... more like coffee with a smidgen of hot chocolate. Or, just coffee!! tee hee!

Favorite cake flavor?

No, thank-you! I'm not a fan of cake. But pie! My mom's homemade rhubarb and strawberry pie, with a cup of coffee!! Ooohhhhh.... and with Mark Ruffalo chatting about how awesome my kids are!! That would be a kick-butt awesome piece of pie!!! 

Why did you start blogging?

Let's see... I've always wanted to be a writer. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mom and a writer. I jumped on the mom train pretty early, but all of my attempts at writing left me feeling embarrassed.  I'd think, "This is fun!" and then I'd think,"Who the heck cares what I think? Who cares about these people I'm making up? Who the heck do I think I am??!" So, I just stopped. 

But, I want my boys to follow their dreams. So, giving up on mine felt like bad parenting. One day I was driving, had an idea for a movie, came home and stayed up all night typing it. Then, I forced myself to share it with others. I showed my family. They said they loved it, but I wasn't sure. What I did know was that I loved it! Not necessarily my story, but the act of writing it! So, I started writing the odd thing. However, I never had a real purpose until my mom offered me the job of personal assistant and PR chick. Then, she invested a bunch of money in me, sent me to a conference and more. Well, she gave my writing a purpose! Because my mom is a mental heath therapist and expert, and because she is an out-of-the-box thinker, she also gave me much to advocate for! Suddenly I was writing and sharing and publishing here and there. But when I needed to link to a piece, or share something I'd written, I could never find it. So... I created a blog! It's a place where I copy & paste all of my autism, parenting, life lesson type posts. I can also hyperlink to sites that have kindly offered me guest posts, or published my other styled articles and more. It's a way I can give back and share with volume!

And I have to admit, I love it!! 

Windows or Apple?

Hmmmmm.... I find windows better for gazing out of, and apples better for eating. Oh! You mean computer thingys! Well, I have Windows, so it's the one I know. However, I do not understand technology very well, and only use my tiny little computer for email, writing, and sharing on social media. That's all. Oh, wait, I also put a couple videos on YouTube! It made me feel very hip and computer savvy!!

Dogs or cats?

I was always more of a cat person. But, over the last ten years, I've discovered the dog person in me. We live on sixty-seven acres of wooded land, and dogs just kind of show up. We feed them and love them, but they are completely free to go anytime. There is something beautiful about being chosen. There is something important about watching them out our window. And my youngest son has learned to practice social skills by spending quality, comfortable time with them. He talks to them, shares his feelings with them, runs with them. There is something beautiful and important in that, too. It is precisely the relationship I had with cats growing up. 

Who would you most like to have dinner with, dead or alive?

Mahatma Ghandi's mom, Nelson Mandela's mom, Albert Einstein's mom, Max Frankel's mom... there are a few others. I have often craved conversation with moms of some of the men who have inspired me. Men who were in touch with their own beliefs, strong enough to insist on them, and comfortable enough to do so with consistent kindness. I wonder how their moms felt. How they encouraged such self reflection and confidence. I wonder so many things. 

But now that my own boys are becoming men, I can honestly say that I crave those conversations less and less. My sons inspire and surprise me consistently  And I'm beginning to believe that those moms would be as proud and uncertain, though full of educated guesses, of how their sons came to be such inspirations.  

Okay! Now for the fun of nominating some of my favorite blogs!!

Alright, I'm embarrassed to admit this. But, I don't actually read many blogs. I know, it sounds rude, doesn't it? I'm sorry!! It's just not the kind of reading I usually do. I have read gazillions of lovely, moving, funny, important, and insightful blog posts, but I rarely remember from where, or from what blog. So, I'm going to offer The Sunshine Award to bloggers that have been part of my life and have become my friends. Whether they've invited me to guest post, reached out as a friend, offered suggestions and/or opportunities... these blogs deserve recognition. What they write is wonderful. What they do changes lives. 

At least, they changed mine. And I owe them more than I can simply say.

Homestyle Mama (with a side of autism)

Inner Aspie

Autism & Oughtisms

Griefcase

Unstrange Mind

Peeling Back The Onion Layers

Meryl Ann Butler's Mabulous Blog

Brain and Body

Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD

ThAutcast

Dirt Roads and Autism

Now, Eleven Questions I'd Like These Bloggers to Answer!

What do you enjoy most about writing?

Who are some of your biggest influences?

Are you a shower or bath person?

When someone asks,"What do you do?", what is your answer?

What is one fear you've gotten over in your life?

What is your favorite movie genre?

How do you usually react to stress?

Do you laugh often?

When people describe you, what word do you think is most often used? What word would you use?

What's a favorite comfort food?

Do you prefer to read fact or fiction? 

Okay, that was fun!!! Regardless of whether or not the other bloggers have time to play the game, I have to admit I have enjoyed it! And please, please, please, take a moment to check out their stuff!!! 

Once again, thanks to Words I Wheel By for nominating me for the award!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!        

Autism Answer: Regression, the Silver Lining. (Wish me luck!)

Author's note: This was written over a year ago, and things certainly have changed for my brother! Re-reading these old posts is fabulous because it allows me to truly re-live the many small and large successes that we have started to take for granted over the years! 

Last night my thirty-one year old lowish functioning autistic brother, Dar, was very autistic! He spent the night drinking the half and half, eating the butter, clucking, stimming, wandering the house and dumping baskets of toys, toothbrushes, laundry paraphernalia. He was smacking his knuckles together and slapping his thighs. This is the kind of night Dar used to have almost always when he was with me, not with my mom (who is simply better with him AND is a brain expert with neurofeedback computers) but he hasn't had a night like this with me in about a year. Needless to say, my heart sank. Not because he was behaving very autistic-like, that's fine, but because I could feel his struggling and uncomfortable energy. Something that had seemed to be happily missing for quite a while.

I understand regression. I have been known to do regression. As an ex-smoker I recall reaching for a cigarette assuring myself that eight years of not smoking meant I could now have one socially. Nope! Immediately I began craving and justifying and hating myself.

As a sex abuse survivor I remember a time when I felt threatened by a man and threw all I had learned about myself out the window and once again forgot how to say no and be strong. Afterward I struggled with self hatred and justification and fear of my lack of control. I also remember that after these episodes I bounced back much quicker and stronger than the first time. All the years of figuring myself out with intention were right there at the ready, and after a few days I was back to happy and strong!

Last night, my brother regressed. But you know who didn't? Me! I didn't hold his hand and whisper, "You poor autistic boy. You can't help yourself. Poor baby."... I also didn't holler, "Dang it Dar!! You drank my half and half! And who's going to pay for more butter, huh!! Your such a jerk!"... Instead I spoke clearly and kindly. I asked him to calm. I helped him go poo, and then headed upstairs to sleep near him. I kept telling him with a sharpness that could cut through his autistic fog, and a kindness that would not offend, to get some sleep. My mom would have been proud of me!

And guess what else? Although this morning was rough (driving my boys to school Dar sat in the back bouncing angrily and making us look killer cool in our 1998 minivan with what must have looked like hydraulics!) he calmed down and said, "Made awesome mess," pretty clearly. He is sitting behind me right now with calm hands and a soft smile. 

I have a feeling that his regression will remain short lived and remind him of how he does not enjoy being.

We have all done regression, and I don't recommend it! Usually the guilt and disappointment in ourselves is what threatens to drag us back in. But we don't have to go back in! Our autistic loved ones don't have to go back in! I don't know if Dar is handling this better because I did, or because his brain is healing so fast that he would have learned this quickly. Probably both. But this morning we are two happy siblings.

And pretty darn tired! Perhaps we'll have a nap!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Me and my sleepy brother, Dar.