Autism Answer: He Smiles in his Sleep

the sun rising, reflecting on the river, across the street from our house

 

“Snuggle bug, Shay Shay, you awake?” I ask quietly, crouched on my haunches beside him where he sleeps on the floor in our basement. My twenty-six year old son makes a small sound in response. I lean in closer to rub his shoulder and see his face. His eyes are closed and the softness of sleep is settled on him like fairy dust. 

 

I see a comfortable smile settled on his lips. 

 

My second youngest son is smiling in his sleep.

 

Rubbing his shoulder I speak again, a little louder this time, “It’s 6:45, you gotta get up for work.”

 

“Rugga bugga, baby boops,” he replies. This is a common reply from him. It most closely translates to, “I heard you.” 

 

There is movement now, he shuffles a little under his weighted blanket, his eyes remain closed and the smile does not fade. 

 

“I’m going to go upstairs and make coffee. See you in a few minutes Shay Riley Bones,” I straighten up carefully, trying to use my muscles purposely and to take advantage of every movement. I like to use life as my exercise room and every movement is an opportunity to stretch, strengthen, or simply care about my body. Also, I don’t want to hurt what I have always called my “old lady knees”. I am pretty much fifty years old now, but these have been my old lady knees since my elementary school track and field days.

 

“I like coffee,” Shay says as I slowly walk away toward the stairs that will lead up to our kitchen where organic shade grown fair trade coffee beans await to be ground and brewed. 

 

I love these mornings. I love making coffee while beneath me my second youngest son unfolds his giant body, stretches out of his bed on the floor (his preferred place to sleep) and gets ready for a job he feels competent and appreciated in. Meanwhile, above me, my soul mate showers in preparation for a day working at home, sitting focused at a computer that is next to mine, accepting a slightly annoying onslaught of obsessive touches, squeezes, and smooches from me. I love standing in the kitchen, lights off surrounded by shadow, while my gaze easily consumes the sunrise kissing the river outside our front room window and the cats meow for their specially made milk and morning affection. I love this spot where I can be in shadow while watching and feeling the world unfold via its morning routine. The house is big, but each room offers such specialness I don’t mind the size. 

 

The coffee beans have been ground and are steeping in the French Press. I set my adorable cube timer to the perfect four minutes (this timer is one of my favourite gifts given to me by Ian, the soul mate I moved in with only a few years ago) and take myself to the front room to stretch a little. Four minutes of random stretches in front of a window facing the river. Lovely. 

 

The timer beeps, upstairs I hear the shower turn off and imagine my soul mate toweling himself in our en-suite bathroom, I stand straight and smile. 

 

I remember seeing my son smile in his sleep, and I am overcome with a sense of gratitude. 

 

This home, this life, this morning routine that brings me such joy, is a gift. 

 

Another favourite gift given by my soul mate. 

 

A gift given to us. 

 

Invited into his home we – my second youngest son and I – have carved our space in it. The basement is my son’s domain, where there is a kitchen, a bathroom, washer and dryer, a pool table, a bar, a sauna. He is not dwelling in darkness and brooding, though he could if he chose. Some days I’m sure he does. But for the most part, he works, he plays his games and watches his shows, he listens to music and bounces around, smiling easily. 

 

My domain is sort of everywhere. I have a dance room where I can turn the music up, close my eyes, rock out and imagine myself alone in but also at one with the universe. I have roller skates and headphones for summers outside around and around the pool. I can spend hours listening, singing, and skating in circles. There is the car where I take people places and go to the grocery store, where I listen to French radio stations and practice saying and singing the words. But mostly, my domain is beside Ian. My soul mate. I follow him around unnecessarily. This is a big house and there are many rooms, the outside is sizable too and there are many delicious spots to sit and read, think, and write. But mostly I follow him around, often with a coffee in my hand, and mostly he doesn’t mind. 

 

We – my second youngest son and I – love living with Ian. 

 

We miss the ease with which we used to have access to the rest of our family, now that we are here in Quebec and they are still there, mostly in California. We have feelings and challenges that are hard, that hurt, that we must deal with. We work to be our best selves and to discover how we can best pitch in, how we can best take part in creating an environment that includes our influence, insights, and work. We struggle to know how we can be helpful without being underfoot or overstepping. 

 

But we are graced with a man who opens his home and requires very little from us. I do the driving (though I don’t pay for the fuel). My son pays rent (enough to feel good about pitching in while still paying far less than he would elsewhere). We are living in a situation where we play a part and ask for responsibilities yet are asked to do little beyond taking care of ourselves. So though we are human and have human hardships, we are also humans with less hardships. 

 

I sometimes wonder, should we work harder? Worry harder? Are we wrong for finding joy in this easy life gifted to us? Should we be more? Are we missing something and burdening others without knowing? Are we unfairly happy?

 

Maybe so. Maybe so. 

 

But I will not deny the perk of this place we are in.

 

My second youngest son smiles in his sleep. 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Beautiful, I Feel Ugly Today

 

Most of us have had those days, right? Our hair is flat or falling in a way we don't like, our skin has pimples or unappealing hairs in awkward places or too much flaky dryness or we noticed our teeth look particularly yellow, our bodies are bigger or smaller than we like and our clothes refuse to flatter us choosing instead to rebelliously call attention to the parts we are trying not to give attention to while doing their best to be a color that looks terrible on us, even if it looked good just two days ago. 

 

You know what I mean? Those days when we feel like being quiet and unseen and hopefully a shower and good nights sleep and a brand new outfit will make all the difference tomorrow. (Please say you know what I mean. It's not that I hope you also have days where you feel ugly, but I do hope I'm not so awkward and self-centered and silly that I'm the only one! tee hee!)

 

Now, think about those days. (Those of you that have them, and if none of you do well, um, I was just kidding? Giggle!) When you feel ugly, sort of hide, put your hand on offending blemishes and hairs, avoid standing out or apologize more than usual. These are days when we aren't actually ugly, just less physically falling together than other days. And yet much of our manner changes. And when these days last, more of our manner changes. Maybe we skip out on opportunities, putting them off till we look better. 

 

And our self-talk is influenced by our appearance, so on days we feel ugly we tend to tell ourselves we are ugly. Even though we aren't. Even if our outward appearance is not typically attractive, we are not ugly because of it. But when we feel ugly, we can begin to think we are ugly, and - sadly - sometimes we will treat ourselves and others around us in an ugly fashion.

 

Having days when we feel ugly is no big deal. Hardly worth bringing up. (And yet here we are. Here I go again. I love talking about nothing like it's something! It's my superpower.) 

 

But if days when we feel ugly can affect our choices, movements, and self-talk in these hardly worth talking about ways, imagine what feeling ugly every day can do? How integral to our self-talk and habits and even to our kindness it can be. 

 

When I was a teenager I felt certain that I was an ugly person. I worked my butt off to try and prove otherwise but was lost to know who I was trying to prove it to. I had no clue what the proof could possibly be but I wanted for it. I was cruel to myself and cruel to people closest to me. I didn't know it at the time, how cruel I was being. Well I knew some of it but not all of it. Then I spent a whole lot of years trying to put myself back together. To see myself as not an ugly person. Maybe instead as a beautiful one. 

 

We can't force people to believe they are not ugly. We can't make them know that - regardless of physical appearances - ugly is not something you are but someone you become. However, I honestly believe we can create an environment that encourages us to believe that. 

 

My youngest brother asks me what I think of his appearance often. He asks if I think he's handsome, if I think he looks young, if I think he looks cool. I always answer honestly (which is: yes he's a handsome fella!) and we always end up talking about the truth that most people who are willing to be decent to us and spend thoughtful time with us look good to us. And how we should probably remember to be decent to ourselves and spend thoughtful time with ourselves in order to look good to ourselves.

 

And I confess, when we've had these chats he tends to shine and look particularly physically handsome at the end of them. Smiling authentically and walking with his head up, he looks good. I think partly because he's feeling good. And all we did was spend some focused thoughtful time together. 

 

So when I have a day where I'm feeling ugly, I remember that it is not nothing. That I should be careful and kind with myself and not become ugly. Sure, I still try to stay in the background a bit and cover my chin hairs with my hand, but I also try to do what I can (like pluck those pesky chin hairs*) and work at not to being ugly to myself about who I am and how I look.

 

I remind myself of how handsome my baby brother looks when he walks away feeling comfortable and confident. I try to do that too.

And if I see an opportunity to do so, I try to reach out and be beautiful to someone. Helpful or available to listen. 

So if you or a loved one has one of those days when you feel ugly, that's beautiful. It's an opportunity to notice how you are affected and know that others around you might sometimes be making choices for similar reasons, so give them a little room to have an off day. Consider the challenge faced by people who are treated poorly, abused, pitied, and bullied because they are seen as physically ugly and make darn sure not to do that to anyone. It's uncomfortable enough to feel ugly, which most of us sometimes do I think. But to pile ugly treatment onto that is unnecessary (seriously, how does that help anyone?) and creates a thick layer of mean-fog that slows us from shining our brightest.

 

Maybe even, on a day where you feel ugly, appreciate that you are only having a day where you feel ugly rather than months or years. And try to keep it that way.

 

There is so much going on in the world - like, seriously, the list is endless! Having a day where we feel ugly is not important. 

 

But it's not not important either.

Because we are important. 

 

And we can be beautiful. Everyday, even when we feel ugly. As long as we don't allow ourselves to become ugly.

 

(If you read this and have never had a day where you feel ugly and it ends up affecting the way you behave then please feel free to comment with your secrets! Also, if nobody knows what I'm talking about that's because I made it all up and I'm totally kidding! ;D)

 

Happy Wednesday, friends!!

Here's to being beautiful even when we feel ugly!

*Raising my coffee mug*

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

*I am aware that chin hairs are not inherently ugly. I just don't like how they look or feel on me. So distracting! I spend half my time pulling at them with my fingers. But if you have them and are rocking them, that's fantastic! My example was a personal one. Also, here is a pic of me plucking my chin hairs. Also, why do I have a picture of me plucking my chin hairs? I'm weird. 

Autism Answer: Envision Clearly and Keep Moving in the New Year

 

"The universe constantly and obediently answers to our conceptions; whether we travel fast or slow, the track is laid for us. Let us spend our lives in conceiving then." ~Henry David Thoreau 

I don't know about you, but for me and my family 2020 was a strange year. Actually, for my friends as well. And for my friend's friends. Hmmmm... maybe it's something in the air. ;D 

In all sincerity, though, I send my love to everyone. Many of us have lost loved ones in this pandemic, in various ways. Losing someone is always emotional. Whether that loss was our choice or not, whether it was a loss we would do anything to undo or one we courageously insisted on, whether it was letting go so someone could become more of themselves or pushing away to become more of ourselves, it is always emotional. 

This has been a year of change for almost all of us. Work, school, relationships, grocery shopping - everything is done differently now. Some things drastically so, some things only slightly. And we are required to find balance, shift our feet, make choices and form opinions about things we've barely considered of note in the past. 

I know that my family has worked hard at using this time well. At finding this forced-upon-us moment at our doorsteps and trying our darnedest to turn it into an opportunity to strengthen what needed strengthening and let go of what needed letting go of and pushing toward almost entirely new visions of and for ourselves. 

I also know that for all of us, every single one of us, it has been undeniably emotional while being simultaneously scary and exhilarating. Everyone in my family, every one of my friends, we are all being pushed to make changes and we are choosing to make the changes we were often either too scared or satisfied to make. 

 It's wild, really. Practically everyone I care about is in a state of almost. Precariously perched at the entrance of entirely different styles of living, staring into an unfinished picture of what they are hoping to accomplish; ingredients and ideas and hopes are floating before us in an abyss of possibilities and while we reach out for help and support from each other we are also on our own. The shifts of who leans on who and how we all lean on each other is leaving us a little bit dizzy. Where we are now would have been incomprehensible only one year ago, and yet here we are. Entirely real and in a state of almost. * 

*I want badly to get specific here, to share with you all the ways in which my family is shifting. Moving to new places, living with new people, changing careers or looking for work after being in a dream job that felt permanent, losing homes and leaving people behind. I want badly to tell you the hopes we hold in these shifts. New found confidence and happiness, independence for those who only dipped a toe in, discovering what love is and all it might have to offer. But, as I mentioned, we are all in a state of almost. And so, for now, I hope you'll accept my vagueness as being purposely inclusive. Because, it is. The entire planet feels on the brink of almost and we are scrambling to make the best of it. We hope to build new systems where old ones were harmful. And in most homes there are personal hopes at the surface that were being stifled or avoided. And around the world people - forced as we are to do things differently - are seeing things in new light and making big changes. So, I think, you get what I'm saying even when I'm not being specific.* 

So my resolution this year is to envision clearly and keep moving. To not try only for the easy life but for the best one, the one that cares about me, my world, and the people in it. I hope to help my loved ones do the same. I'm going to do my best to find balance regarding the timeline - no need to push forward so fast we push past possibilities. But let's not move at such a leisurely pace we lose this momentum. Let's not risk losing sight of the things we want to change, the things we were settling for and unhappy about - or simply the opportunities we were avoiding - before this pandemic began. 

Confession: This is more work and takes longer than I want to admit. I love to talk about how everything is awesome and when we tell ourselves our stories with happiness and joy we will feel that happiness and joy. I think that's true. But I also think it helps to hold up a big hefty book once in a while to remind ourselves that big stories are long. 

Big stories, colored-in with little stories of varying shades, when crafted carefully are truly one of the most sublime things made by humanity. 

So with that in mind: Envision clearly and keep moving. Envision with kindness and intention and keep moving toward that vision. 

That's what I resolve to do this year. 

And for however long it takes. 

 

 Hugs, smiles, and love!!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Autism Answer: What Is A Good Day?

Good morning.

What makes that morning cup of coffee so delightful?

Besides its wonderful flavor, I mean. 

Those of us who delight in this simple ritual agree, there is more to it than "yummy." 

For me, I believe it is partly about the potential in the day ahead, unencumbered by the weight of all others. Other yesterdays and tomorrows. I sip my morning brew mostly in the moment but embracing, also, potential and possibility.  In short, while I sip I am quietly aware that today - though I'm not usually thinking about the day ahead - could be a good day. 

*Sip*

So, what makes a good day? Well, for me I think it's one where I got things done, moved projects forward. No, that's not it. 

*Sip*

Hmmm.

*Sip*

Maybe a good day is one where I played a part in helping things get done. No, that's not right either. I often feel I've had a good day when I didn't even do much at all. When I've barely done a thing to.... oh, wait! I know!

For me, it's been a good day when I like the choices I made. When the things I chose to do, the ways I chose to react, to things big and small, are choices I'm happy about. Whether it's eating or not eating another cookie, agreeing to do something that scares me but helps my husband out, putting down a good book in order to help my brother with a letter he's writing to his favorite car company, or not paying a bill because that money could be used to help one of my children who is doing an amazing job of being responsible but is still coming up short with his rent. 

Another example of a choice I'm happy with that is helping me have a good day: writing this post! I often have a thought I want to untangle by writing it down with the intention of sharing, using the power of editing and rewriting and the necessity of clarity to unravel all the perspectives and possibilities jockeying for position in order to see things as they are, in my personal opinion. I can kind of do this when I write something for me alone, but I do it much better when I imagine someone other than me reading it. I become less lazy and insist on taking the important step at considering every angle I've heard or read about, rather than just telling myself something I want to hear. I am better for me when I imagine you.

But even knowing this I will often not write. I'll think the ever common, "Who cares what I think? Who am I to think people want to read about the ramblings in my head?" This, I know, is not legitimate. This is an excuse. 

Particularly since I know that me writing it for you is largely about writing it better, not writing it because I think you need to know. And writing better takes more out of me. It's harder. So, I let my "Who cares what I think?" excuse work. Because there is enough truth in it that I can easily use it. It even sounds humble. Hah! I love a justification that puts itself on a pedestal by pretending it's humble.  

*Sip*

The truth is, you won't read it if you don't want to. But if I imagine you reading it, I'll work harder and make it better and discover more important points that help me have a good day. 

And a good day, for me, is a day where I like the choices I made. 

Wow! That's cool. It means I have the power to make all my days good. To remember what I've discovered here and use it. Admittedly, I know myself well enough to guess I probably won't always have good days or make all choices I'm happy with, even with this knowledge and clarity. But I also know myself well enough to know I mostly will! 

I'll continue to have mostly good days.

And now I'll know why!

Well, that was illuminating. I think I'll have one more cup. 

*Sip*

What do you like about your morning cup of coffee?

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 
@TsaraShelton (Twitter)

Autism Answer: Lucky and Intentional

I have been both lucky and intentional when it comes to creating and choosing my environment. It helps me have a happy, comfortable, engaging, and supportive life. 

However, the better I've gotten at insisting on this wonderful life I live, the farther away I've gotten from how hard it can be to do this.

Every now and then I find myself in a place with people who challenge that. A place with people where I am uncomfortable with myself, my skin is pin prickly with stress and worry about making a mistake or being a fool or not handling my people properly. In these moments and in these places I remember how challenging it can be. How hard it once was for me. How many people are still in that place where they have yet to find their own voice, their own value, their own ability to belong somewhere, however uniquely. I am reminded that it is not up to the place or people I am with to make me feel better, but that I can use these times to discover my own remaining issues. Sometimes my issues are simply that I disagree strongly with the place or people I find myself with and it is up to me to comfortably say no. Sometimes it is part of myself that I'm avoiding dealing with. Sometimes its a mix of many things. Always it reminds me that being overwhelmed with worry and stress and uncomfortable ME-ness creates an almost impossible situation to handle well.

And then I remember how long my road to not living that way more often has been. And then I remember that for many people, people who are more challenged or who have less support in their lives to begin with, this way of living seems inevitably forever. There are folks who not only live longer in a state of uncomfortable fear, worry, stress, anger, and overwhelm, but they don't always believe they have the ability or even the worthiness to change that.

I admit, I believe we can all become more "comfortable in our skin" as my mom famously says. But I also believe that for many, it is a longer road. And I even suspect that for some, being MORE comfortable in their skin is doable but consistently comfortable in their skin, less so. Either way, it can only happen if we believe in it, work toward it, and support those of our friends that are at the beginning of that journey when we ourselves are enjoying the fruits of our labor.

And it is for this reason that I truly appreciate those places and people I find myself almost painfully uncomfortable with. It brings back the feeling of the challenge. I know it can be hard, I say so often, but when I feel it I remember. I remember the all-consuming nature of it, I remember there's more to it than, "Perk up, don't let the judgments of others decide your beliefs about yourself, look on the bright side, love yourself...." yadda, yadda. Even though those are true and right. They mean more to us once we've gotten there, don't they?

I have been both lucky and intentional when it comes to creating and choosing my environment. It helps me have a happy, comfortable, engaging, and supportive life.

And when I hurt I am reminded of the reasons and ways I want to be patient and supportive while helping others find something similar. Their version of a happy, comfortable, engaging, and supportive life.

And, luckily, living my life out loud and sharing my thoughts and experiences with those close to me is one fun way to do that.

We learn together, we tell our version of things, we create environments we can thrive in.

And in my experinence, the whole dance goes really well with coffee!



Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Inspire Yourself To Greatness - A Review of Book and Self

"A wish is a whisper that guides you." ~Me #quote #InspireYourself
(Prompt was on pg. 21 of Inspire Yourself To Greatness by Dr. Lynette Louise) 
 
A Few Quick Disclaimers: The author of the book is Dr. Lynette Louise, aka The Brain Broad, aka My mom. So I'm inclined to love the book. Also, I'm inclined to be nervous about the book the way family members are when reading the candid stuff we write. But mainly, I'm inclined to love the book.

In addition, I have already read the book through its many phases as a beta-reader. So although this is my first time reading the book in paperback form, I have experienced it along the way.

Okay, now, let me tell you what I'm learning about me and this book (I am only on page 37 in my paperback copy).

_____________________________________________________

 The newly released book Inspire Yourself To Greatness: Change Your Brain, Change The World by Dr. Lynette Louise ("The Brain Broad") is a brain-based book, it is an inspirational book, it is a beliefs and ideas book, it is a guide and friend, and it is a reflection of its reader. 

As I was graced with the gift of being along for the book's growing-up and creation, I immediately felt the book engage and inspire me. However, I also intuitively knew (though at the time I wasn't sure what it was I knew) that in order for the book to give all its power to me, I would need to participate. I was impatient for my own copy, one I could write in, like I have been impatient for no other. 

And I was right! 

The author begins by asking (nearly demanding!) that we examine our definitions, and that we write down our definition of "GREATNESS" in order to decide for ourselves who and what we are intending to grow into as we interact with the book. I almost didn't do it. Despite my desire to write in the book I had no idea what my definition of "GREATNESS" was and thought I'd wait till maybe something in the book inspired me to have an idea. But, wait! The title is "Inspire Yourself" and so, I did! I scratched out a thought. 

It wasn't something I felt strongly, or something entirely important to me, but it was something. And, indeed, as I read on, it grew to have more meaning. 

Only a few pages later, with new information and understanding of how our beliefs and definitions affect our DNA, our environment, our world - we are asked to define GREATNESS again. And, friends! I did! And this time it was similar, but different. I felt more aware of the ME I was hoping to enhance and become. 

I can say with absolute certainty that the author of the book would not have suggested or written the definitions that I chose. Heck, I'm not even sure the author (or you, my dear clever friend) would have a clue what I meant with the definitions I chose! But I can say for certain, that is the point. That is what this book does. It gives information, it offers intelligent, thoughtful, non-judgemental perspectives that reveal potentially unseen paths, and it tells us useful biological information that makes us better at this job of becoming "GREAT". But we are the ones to inspire and choose for ourselves. How we want this book to work, who we want this book to help us become, what successes we will create from its lessons, and how it will change our world. 

Dude!!! This feels so much like more than a book!! 

Now, as I mentioned, I'm only on page 37 in my paperback copy. But I have already learned a few important things about myself. The most surprising is this: I want to grow great! I had no idea! That may seem strange but I have always had an uncomfortable relationship with wanting. Even as a little girl I feared wanting because I was ultimately afraid that (as is portrayed in so many movies, shows, and books) wanting would lead to loosing what I had. And I have, for most of my life, truly loved what I had.

Now that I am in my 40s, I am even happier with what I have! The older I get the happier I am with myself, my life, my circumstances. And so it surprised me to find myself, well, wanting. Wanting to inspire myself to greatness. 

And this brings us back around to the brilliant format and writing of the book. Because the reason I was able to learn about my wanting to grow great, was the way in which I was invited (strongly invited, tee hee!) to define what that means to me, and for me, and as me. 

This is a snippet from the back of the book: "A belief in humanity's ability to discover their own gifts drives this book while a desire to share knowledge fuels it. Lynette Louise presents strategies and perspectives that enable a view of the possible, beyond what readers may have imagined alone. Presented as a team project this engaging book is an opportunity to participate with Lynette in a unique journey of self-discovery that ends in the achievement of greatness." 

Yes. That's what this book is. But now that I am participating the way it was intended I can also say, that's what this book does. 

 
One of the things I love about my mom's books and articles: They are inherently inclusive. Because our family is overflowing with diversity and her work takes her around the world into people's homes, she thinks, writes, learns, and teaches with an inclusive nature. Everyone is considered and represented. So if you are thinking, "Yes, yes, another self-help book for everyone else. Another book that speaks to common folks struggling with common issues, but not people on the outskirts, not me, an outlier," well, you'd be wrong. This book not only includes you, and is for you while it is also for the common folks, it also invites us all to know and understand each other. 

Also, it's not really a "self-help" book, I don't think. Although, admittedly, I've never read one. If it is and this is what they are, well then I've been missing out! :D 

At the top of this post I quoted myself and linked to the tweet where I publicly shared my quote, along with the hashtag #InspireYourself. (BTW: If you share thoughts on social media with the #InspireYourself they will likely get shared by the author!) On page 21 of the book we are asked to define "wish" for ourselves. And though that is what it is, a definition for ourselves, we are also encouraged to share some of our quotes and ideas. The truth is, we will change the world whether we share or not, but sharing is one of many ways we can interact with intention and confidence. So I chose to share that. My defintions of greatness I am keeping to myself. They are mine and they are me. But I am also sharing them, because, as I said, they are me, and I am in this world. 

From page 29: "It is important to note as you change your brain, you also change the world we live in because you interact with us. 

You are more relevant than you realize." 


If you are interested in growing great with me, however you define it, I invite you to let this book be your guide. 

Now, I'm headed off to bed with my book and a pen!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

The book is available in paperback on Amazon.com and Amazon.ca

Autism Answer: Confessions And Corrections

Me and my youngest brother.

Sometimes I feel annoyed when my youngest brother calls asking if he can come over to my house. He's bored and lonely and is feeling cabin feverish. He's feeling a bit desperate and needy and wants to bring that to my house.

But then I feel annoyed with myself for being annoyed with him. I remind myself to be honored that my youngest brother calls me asking if he can come over. That he is comfortable being vulnerable with me.

Sometimes I feel the heavy weight of responsibility being his one friend in town. He has asked over and over for help making friends and I give and I give, exhaustively searching for a way to help him get it. A way for him to get friends other than just me.

But then I feel the heavy realization that I am being cruel. That my brother isn't my responsibility, he feels and worries and wants and is being responsible for himself by asking me for help. I remind myself to feel the love and joy and miracle of being his friend and living separately in the same town. And it is a miracle. He has his own apartment, that was not expected of him from anyone (except, of course, my mom who believes in making miracles and therefore has made a beautiful career of it). And I live nearby, that was never my plan. Sure, living near family always has been. But not small-town Texas, not living near only one brother. Yet, here we are and we have grown close in ways I never would have imagined because of it.

Sometimes I feel bad that my knee-jerk reactions to my youngest brother are often unkind and self-centered. I wonder if my own meanness knows no bounds, is never-ending. Just when I have discovered a prejudice or mean bit of myself and cleaned it up, I find another. But then I remind myself of the millions of other knee-jerk reactions I've faced head-on, choosing to practice a new way with purpose, and how they then turned into true authentic thoughtful automatic reactions. I think of the fun I've had tweaking, editing, discovering, and changing my beliefs, my reactions, myself.

Together my brother and I talk about the value of forever learning and creating and moving forward. The only mistake really would be to not notice what we react to and how, and to not find thoughtful ways to change with purpose.

My brother and I make an awesome team and help each other out in the most wonderful and important of ways!

I'm a grateful sister!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 
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INVITATION: I have included a great many stories of growing up with my brothers in my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up. There are also stories of me as a mom, me as a daughter, and me as a younge woman trying to figure it all out; life, myself, the world, what exactly it means to be a good person. One thing all my stories have in common is a confession and correction style. I love to be almost dangerously candid about my mistakes while offering an excited idea for how I solved them. I hope you will consider reading my book and sharing your thoughts with me. You don't have to be dangerously candid, but you can be! Hugs, hugs, hugs! ~Tsara 

Autism Answer: Being Broke Isn't Why I'm Happy, But It Also Doesn't Stop Me

Me and my hubby driving through town just for fun.

"Money is not good or bad. We are." ~Dr. Lynette Louise (The Brain Broad)

My husband is a retired mechanic and I am a stay-at-home mom/wife/friend with a very part time job as a personal assistant to Dr. Lynette Louise, aka The Brain Broad, aka my mom. 

Needless to say, we are broke. 

Also, needless to say for those who follow my writings and videos, we are happy!

More often than our culture should be proud of people ask me how? How am I so often happy when I am so often broke? 

I've answered this question in a post before, Living Within Our Means, And Loving It, but that was years ago. Things have changed. Back then my hubby was still working, kids were still young and living with us, and we were still living in two separate homes close together (one was my mom's cabin in the woods and the other was my husband's trailer house in our small Texas town). 

So when a reporter was asking the question again, I chose to answer. Interested as always in sharing my life but also curious to see how my answers have changed. 

Below are the reporter's generic questions (in bold) followed by my personalized answers. 

If you, or someone you know, is thinking about how to enjoy life with a tiny budget I encourage you to have a peek. Maybe even answer the questions yourself! It is a wonderful way to tweak and explore all the ways we are harnessing happiness. 

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Does your household income go far where you live, or is it tight?

It's tight, but it goes comparatively far where we live. 

What makes your life fulfilling, despite your income? OR What makes your life fulfilling because of your income?

Poverty, admittedly, restricts freedom in our society. 

But aside from the lack of financial freedom, my husband and I have valuable freedom with our time. Because of this, we are able to be available for our loved ones. We are able to move freely amongst the overflowing needs and questions our young adult (and some not so young!) children have, now that they are navigating the world of adulthood. 

This is not only fulfilling as a parent, but also as a human being who craves the feeling of being available and helpful. 

What is one thing you spend—or stopped spending—on that is important to your health and wellness, or the health and wellness of your family?

This is a fun one! 

The health and wellness of my family and our environment is deeply important to me. For too many years I bought into the myth that eating healthy and caring for the environment would either mean spending tons of money by purchasing special foods and fancy household items, or it would mean learning an overwhelming amount of skills that I just don't have, like gardening and creating toothpaste and soaps and cooking good food. But once I made the decision that it was too important not to take at least some steps in the healthy direction, I was happily surprised! 

Nutritious food is only sometimes more expensive (particularly healthy convenience foods) but it always goes further. Because we are getting more nutrition out of smaller amounts of food, it lasts longer. 

Also, household cleaners, along with most of the soaps and toothpaste and other personal items we have in our home, are easily replaced with cheaper natural foods and oils I can get easily at any store. And it's easier to find these items not in plastic containers. I haven't even had to learn how to make stuff because I can generally just use one ingredient (add vinegar to the wash for clothes softening; wash my hair with baking soda and rinse with apple cider vinegar; baking soda to wash stains off my all-important coffee mug; etc) and when I have decided to make my own items that require more than one ingredient, it's been easy! Mix coconut oil and baking soda and a touch of cinnamon oil for toothpaste and, voila! Whiter, healthier teeth! 

And because I am saving so much money in these areas I can also splurge on items in the health and wellness area without guilt. For example, it matters to me that my coffee is organic, whole bean, and fair trade. So, I buy an expensive coffee. But I've noticed, also, that I drink less than I did in my youth because I am healthier and happier and not overindulging in my coffee habit as a way to escape a feeling of "poverty" that, admittedly, I used to live with. So, again, I think I might even be saving money while splurging.

What's the last thing (from coffee to a car!) that you splurged on? How much was it?

Yesterday I bought plane tickets for my daughter-in-law and my granddaughter to come visit me!!!! It cost $98 and I don't regret a penny! *This question was answered in October of last year. That trip has come and gone and was worth far more than any amount of money could compete with! I wrote a bit about it HERE.

Three things (big or small) you do to live happily within your means:

1. Read books, watch movies, write stories, and listen to music. These are wonderful ways to live out many lives and many feelings without spending much, if any, money. Libraries are full of free stories. 

But I have also budgeted for two streaming media services as a way to watch movies and shows with my family regardless of where they live. Because our family is growing older and finding their own places in the world it keeps us connected. We suggest shows to each other, talk about movies together, and explore the value of storytelling, often talking about the same story from our separate places (in the world and in our development). It's been deeply valuable and enriching!

2. Shopping at thrift stores! Every item has a story--having lived in other homes or kept other bodies warm--and we get a kick out of imagining what that story could be. Also, we focus on the recycling aspect of thrift stores rather than the cost saving. There's nothing wrong with being happy about saving money, but if we put too much emphasis on being broke then we are more likely to feel broke--which can be desperate and scary. Instead, we get a kick out of our earth-friendly thrift store purchases and the unlimited story imagining potential!

3. Exploring nature and the neighborhood. I don't have the money to travel to famous places but that doesn't stop me from discovering beauty and culture wherever I am. I live in a small town with very little in the way of entertainment venues, but in my eighteen years here I have yet to discover all the treasures this town holds! 

Small hidden patches of nature, people walking alone or with family, stray animals and forgotten homes. All of these things offer ideas, stories, perspectives, and wonder. I don't have to spend a penny to feel overwhelmed with interest and appreciation for the ever-changing landscapes and generations of thought that simply going for an adventurous walk offers.  (CONFESSION: I don't do it nearly as often as I'd like because it's so darn hot here in Texas!)

BONUS: Prioritize experiences! Perhaps this should be number one because it truly might be the biggest reason I feel rich in my financially limited life. 

When I am offered an opportunity, and when I can create that opportunity for myself, I take necessary steps to make experiences happen. Travel, concerts, conferences, and even ending up on stage are memories and moments I have prioritized for me and my children. I am often nervous doing so – having little money can create a fear of things not going as planned, knowing that I may have to rely on my own unimpressive ingenuity and often the kindness of others to improvise and problem solve – but it is always worth it. 

Prioritizing experiences has given my family a plethora of stories, has connected us in moments and memories, and has reminded us to not accept the supposed limits of poverty. Also, during those times when we have had to problem solve and ask for help, it has given us opportunities to actively appreciate the kindness of others!  

Would you describe where you live as a city, suburb, or rural area?

Rural.

Did you choose your location because of the cost of living, or for another reason? If something else, what is that reason?

When my mom was looking for a place to live she chose our town due to cost of living,a mong other things. At the time I was a young single mom and I was living with her. She helped me out with my children while I helped her out with hers. 

My mom is the single mom of eight kids; six adopted and four with cognitive disabilities. We lived together and taught our children together. However, it was in this town that I met a man and fell in love. So I chose this location because he was here. We have been happily married now for seventeen years. 

 

Do you live in a house or apartment? Own or rent?

We live in a trailer house that we own. My husband bought it in the late 80s and owned it a few years before I met him. So our monthly "housing" bills are merely gas, electric, phone, etc.

How much “extra” money do you have every month? What do you typically spend it on? 

I suppose we have about $200.00 extra a month. My husband spends his half on scratch lotto tickets and I spend mine on movie rentals and fun "treat" foods for the family. 

Have you made any trade-offs in order to live where you live, or to have the salary/job you have, or be in your relationship?

There have been trade-offs. 

For my relationship, I have turned down opportunities to live in California, where most of my family now lives. My husband sometimes voices a concern that I feel "trapped" here because of him, but no, no, no! I flourish in my relationship with him. Also, choosing to stay is something I was never good at until I met him. He's taught me the value and joy of it. That trade-off has been so worth it I'm not even sure it's a trade-off. 

However, there has been a troublesome trade-off to live where we live and not seek work that would pay me better. As I guided and joined my family in growth we have had to let go of our passion for live events. Stage shows, musicals, concerts, conferences that teach, these are things we all love but have just had to (mostly) let go of. Every now and then we'll do what it takes, find a way, to go to a concert or attend an event, but in general, we've had to just shrug it off and hope we'll have opportunities later in life. If we lived in a city we could volunteer our time at events in order to be part of them, but because we live in a tiny rural town, and we don't have the funds to fill up a gas tank or even a reliable car, that's not an option. Was that trade-off worth it? I think so, but I'm less sure.

If so, are those tradeoffs worth it?

Sorry, I sort of answered this question in my previous answer. However, I like the excuse to add a bit more. 

The trade-offs have been worth it because we make them worth it. If I had chosen to leave my husband living in Texas while I lived in California (which I did do for a temporary time of two years) and try to make the long-distance relationship work I believe we could have found a way to discover and highlight benefits. Maybe I would have followed a path of work that was opening up for me there, and maybe I would have made more money, and maybe my husband could have lived with less of the stress he endures being the one who hustles to make ends meet. I don't know. 

Also, maybe if I had worked a job that kept me busy but also made me money I would have found ways to attend events with my children and they would now have the contacts, understanding, and an example of how to make those things happen for themselves. That's what I'm not sure of. 

However, because I didn't make that choice and because we didn't get to attend the events or meet the people who make that stuff happen, we are finding our own way with what we have done and who we do know. So although I do, admittedly, wonder if staying broke in a small town with limited opportunities but easy access to each other and cheaper living was the right choice, I also work hard to make it one. 

What is the most important decision you’ve made for wellness—yours or the people you live with—in the last five years? Why was it key?

Oh, this is another fun one! 

Quite a few years ago I asked my husband if there was any way he could build a "dance room" for me and our boys. I had noticed that we (okay, mostly me) were becoming quite sedentary and I wanted to solve the problem. We went on family walks and bike rides, but too often they felt forced. 

However, my sons and I love to dance. 

The problem: In our small house there isn't much room for dancing and it's not kind to turn the music up too loud, in case other people aren't in the mood to rock out. 

The solution: My husband built a little room in the back of his garage for us! It wasn't an expensive addition to his already existing shop and he discovered that he enjoys having access to music while he works. Admittedly, my sons don't use it much but, boy, I do! Especially when the weather is cool. So a few nights a week (in the winter, less in the summer) I head outside, step over car parts and mechanic tools, enter my own little room and go dancing! I get cardio for physical health and the freedom of dancing for mental health. I'm one lucky lady!

Is there anything else that you’d like to be share about your philosophy or choices with regard to being happy with your current household income?

I only want to add that I have spent my entire life living in or near poverty, and I grew up with a single mom who taught the value of connecting, loving, laughing, and working hard for the sake of service and experiencing your worth. 

Because of this, it hasn't been hard for me to live mostly within my means, even when those means are extremely small. 

Right now my husband is retired and we live on his social security and the bit that I make as a part-time personal assistant, supplemented with my husband's ability to hustle and take advantage of his mechanic skills. It's not much, but I have almost always lived this way. I have tips, thoughts, and ways to help others find the joy of living within their means but I never want to discount the challenge it is for people who have to learn it later in life. 

Also, I don't want to romanticize poverty (obviously) or even the desire to stop wanting more. Wanting more is a valuable motivator. 

I think the challenge is keeping an eye on our reasons. Do you want more because you think it will make you happy and successful? Because you want to impress people? Or because you want the freedom to follow desires and passions? And are you so focused on wanting more that you don't adore what you have? 

There is always a balance to seek and hold onto. I think living happily within our means is an organic and alive skill. I feed it, listen to it, challenge it, teach it, and ultimately love it. 

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I'm actually getting ready to head out of town for "work" tomorrow. I'll be babysitting my nieces in California for the next twelve days and getting paid good money for it. This is something I do about once a year and I'm lucky! So that's another thing I should add: Say yes to opportunities that make you money even if it seems weird to make money doing it. Of course I would babysit my nieces for free! I love them wildly! But I also know that my sister can afford to pay me in this instance and that she wants to, for many reasons. So, I say yes. It was terrifically uncomfortable to accept the money for a long time but I kept saying yes.

My hubby and a couple of our boys working together.

Now, we all feel comfortable and good about it. 

Find that balance, friends. Remember to allow it the freedom to shift and grow and change with your life. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)