Autism Answer: Real Beauty (Dove and Shonda Rhymes Want Our Stories)

Shonda Rhimes has partnered with Dove (the personal care brand) and they launched Real Beauty Productions. They have called for submissions and stories, from women of every type, that will help expand the definition of beauty. Stories that will help define beauty in a thoughtful healthy manner. What a valuable and necessary project! 

So, I am sharing my story with you here (yes, I also used their form to share it with Dove) in hopes that you, too, will have a story to share. And if you don't feel that you do, I encourage you to change that! Perhaps have your story now. Make a purposeful shift in how you see and imagine Real Beauty. 

Here's the link that I hope you'll use: #RealBeauty

And here's my story. Hopefully it will get you thinking about yours. 

#RealBeauty

I was a twenty-three-year-old single mom when I met my now husband of seventeen years. As I watched him fix my mom's car I was immediately attracted to him. Twice my age, rugged, and black as night I responded to his pull by swinging my hips, pinching color into my pale cheeks, and glossing my lips. However, he seemed entirely uninterested. I flirted while he avoided looking at me. I was a little bruised by the rejection but as a single mom dating wasn't easy, so I chose to pretend I was relieved.

Later, when I went into town to pay him for the work he'd done, I dropped the flirting and was comfortably myself. Animated and authentic I playfully complained about missing my sons, who were visiting my sister. The mechanic's demeanor changed and for the first time, he looked at me. "How old are you?" My answer surprised him and he admitted that he'd thought I was much younger. Well, no wonder he hadn't flirted back! But then, also, he continued to tell me more and the reasons for his lack of interest in my swinging hips proved deep and somewhat disturbing.

As a black man growing up in the south he'd learned never to look a white woman in the eye. Responding to my signals could prove dangerous for him, though unlikely dangerous for me. As he shared these things with me I found myself drawn in ever more, but quickly showed it in a new way.

I became more myself. Rather than pout my lips and fling my hair, I displayed my kindness and tossed ideas. We connected by exploring who we were, each of us encouraging the other to dive deeper and discover more. I began to feel more beautiful than I ever had. Who I was and what I did were beautiful and as I flirted with the mechanic a confidence in my beauty grew outward.

My family saw it. My friends saw it. Even I saw it.

The mechanic and I have now been married for seventeen years and we have raised four sons together. This newer understanding of beauty, as a displaying of who I am not how I look, has informed their understanding of beauty. I see it in the way they treat themselves and others.

So it turns out that discovering my own true beauty not only helped me feel gorgeous but also made me a better mom! How wonderful!

_________________________

Now, I don't know if my story will ever be shared via Real Beauty Productions. But I do know that taking the time to share it helped me feel it. Helped me know it. So, I have benefited! Also, by sharing it here with you (which may disqualify me from being featured by Dove, but that's okay) I have also imagined that maybe you will benefit. I hope so! 

Whether you share your story or not, I absolutely encourage you to take a moment or two to consider your definition of beauty. And if necessary, make a few changes. 

Whatever definition you create for yourself, be sure it recognizes your worth and your real beauty, friends. 

There's no shame in wanting to blossom further but it will be easier and more fun if you recognize your beauty now. 

Happy Saturday beautiful friends!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)  

A small sampling of women in my life that are beautiful.

 

Autism Answer: A Conversation With My Brother About Meeting Girls

Some of us siblings chatting in the sun.

My Brother: I try to meet girls. I try to talk to them but some women are just so stuck up.

Me: True, but mostly we're not. Mostly we've learned to protect ourselves by ignoring advances and random compliments from men.

My Brother: But I'm just telling them they look good, it's a compliment.

Me: Sure, but I promise you, most of us women have experienced men talking to us in nasty, rude, inappropriate ways. Sometimes it starts with a friendly compliment and when we respond, even in the slightest, it turns into something nasty and uncomfortable. Certainly not all the time, but often enough that we've learned to pretend we didn't hear you.

My Brother: I guess I see what you mean. I've got friends who talk to girls that way. But you were just telling me to practice chatting with people in order to meet them, so what the heck am I supposed to do?

Me: Well, for starters, don't focus on how they look. Chatting with people is about connecting, recognizing similar interests. That sort of thing. If a woman is buying coffee in the grocery store and you've never tried that brand of coffee, for example, you could ask her if it's good. But, and this is important, only if you actually want to know. And if she doesn't answer you, don't take it personally. But also, if she does answer you, don't try to turn it into, "Can I have your number?" Just let it be a natural conversation. The better you get at that, the better your chances of connecting with people.

My Brother: Ya, I did that the other day. I chatted with a girl about her day at work and the conversation flowed easy. When it stopped, I just said, "Have a nice day," and went on my way.

Me: Perfect! Great example! Right now you just want to get comfortable honestly chatting. Eventually, a friendship can grow out of some of these encounters but don't force it.

My Brother: Wait, I always see you chat with people. Do you do the thing you were saying? Ignore people for protection or whatever?

Me: Mostly? Nope. Sometimes I do, when my gut tells me to, but mostly I chat. I have a belief that in small ways I can make a difference by giving most people the benefit of the doubt and when it turns inappropriate (and, admittedly, it often does) I say, "No, I don't like that," in a strong, kind way. That's a new skill I have and I want to use it. Also, I want to get better at it. We have been taught in both subliminal and obvious ways that guys will do that, and girls will handle it, and that's just how it is. I don't agree. I think we can make it happen less if we change the underlying narrative and assumptions. So, I do my small part.

My Brother: Maybe those other girls should learn to do that. Give me the benefit of the doubt, like you said.

Me: Not necessarily. I used to respond to guys who called out to me and then I got myself in sticky situations when they were pushy. I didn't have the "no" skill I have now. So, for many women, ignoring is probably safer. It's not up to us girls to solve this problem, we need to insist that the boys don't think it's okay to treat us as sexy toys. We've got to work together on this one.

My Brother: So, I should talk to girls about things that are happening in the moment, not about how they look.

Me: Yes! Exactly! Eventually, you'll be comfortable enough that you can add the piece about them being pretty to you, because it will happen naturally and not as an excuse to talk to them. Besides, it will also be good for you to pay attention to things other than what the girl looks like.

My Brother: (Dubiously) I guess.

Me: (Giggle!) You are so funny to me. You call the girls stuck up but you are a little stuck up yourself there, mister!

My Brother: I guess.
___________________

I love that my brothers will have these kinds of conversations with me. I love sharing my perspective and learning theirs.

My favorite thing about diversity done well is the guided imagining of a different perspective.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

 

Autism Answer: Walking Down The Aisle Into The New Year

Jory and Sabrina

"Is it okay, Sabrina? You don't mind? I don't want you to feel like we're taking over your wedding day." 

"It's fine, don't worry," she promised me from her spot on the bed, snuggled in with my son. "We just want to be married. That's what we care about." 

My son kissed her on the forehead and smiled his agreement.

My oldest son got married on Dec. 27, 2016!

He and Sabrina have been together for less than a year, they are going to be parents, they got engaged a month ago, and now they are married. 

It's a gorgeous timely story! Ending the year with a new beginning.

For many reasons I am confident this marriage will be wonderful. 

Largely because my son is so himself when he's with his new wife. I've watched him grow and explore pieces of who he is and who he wants to be in other relationships, and I've enjoyed that. But with Sabrina he seems so comfortable with who he is while also getting excited about their future.  

"I'll accept the manager job but if it doesn't work out for us, I'll demote myself. Go back to this job that I already know I love," he explained to me a few days earlier. He's always put doing what he loves first and career advancement second. But a little later on I heard him chatting with Sabrina about their evening shift at the cinema where they both work. He was offering to switch roles with her, knowing she prefers working concession and she dislikes ushering. He's putting what he loves first again, and it's her.

It is an ending for me. He is not my man anymore, he's our man (until I let go enough to let him be her man. tee hee!). 

Of course, we are all aware that actually, he is his man. 

Another reason I am confident this marriage will be wonderful; we are all aware of this. Of how we are our own selves, and how our relationships serve us by giving us the freedom to explore that. She is herself. He is himself. They are themselves, together. 

"What time is the wedding?" I asked for the fifth time on the morning of the wedding. Knowing I could be getting my fifth different answer.

"My cousin is going to try to be here by one," Sabrina answered. Her cousin is the person who is going to marry them, and this new time is a good one. 

"Awesome! My niece will probably be able to make it for the wedding if it's at one." I was happy about this. I had been perfectly comfortable with a wedding that shifts and shimmies, dancing to the tune of work schedules. But I also hoped all of my nieces and sons could be there. With this new time, they could be! I was hoping it would stick.  

Mostly I am confident that this marriage will be wonderful because they are clear about what they want. There is no ambiguity, no uncertainty, and no posturing for others. There is only: "We want to be married." 

So, with everyone around them wanting to be there, they allowed us but didn't pressure us. The one thing that mattered most to them was: They wanted to be married. 

And at one o'clock, surrounded by most of our family, they were!  

My son and his wife are stepping into the new year together and are allowing us to join them, although we aren't mandatory to their happiness. (But, man, he's still mandatory to mine! I gotta work on that! ;D )

Moments before the ceremony my son chatted on the phone with my husband, who couldn't be there. "I figured I'd do what you did, dad," my son said. "Getting married. It looks like a good deal." I was beaming. I was amazed. I was momentarily lost in the insight and truth of this statement.

My husband and I have been married for sixteen years and though our marriage has been anything but traditional, it has been wonderful. I remember what my hubby said to me when I told him we couldn't get married, that it could never work because he would never leave our town and I wouldn't stay, he said, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." 

I shook my head at his naivete. How could it be that simple? 

And yet, it has been. And that difficult, too. We've had to build bridges with unusual scraps and tools. Yet every time, we've done it. And it's been a good deal. 

So I'm amazed and impressed and grateful to watch my son and his new bride do the same. Build a life that matches who they want to be and how they want to live. Personalized and not traditional. But wonderful!  

 

They are living life in their way and for themselves.

In this coming year I hope we all remember to do the same. To choose our own goals. To take action. To be clear. To raise the bar. To do so with the world in mind but ourselves at heart. 

"I had a dream that your nieces were my flower girls," Sabrina told me in her barely awake voice from the coziness of her early morning bed. "They can walk me down the aisle, since I don't have anyone to do it, dropping flower petals on the floor leading to the living room." 

Stepping into this new year let's all be willing to see our missing pieces as open opportunities. Let's be open to creating a wedding of our own dreams, not someone else's. Let's walk down the aisle strong in the knowledge that we are marrying the life we choose; not one that is chosen for us. 

May we all remember to do what my son and his wife have done.

Differently! 

Happy New Year my wonderful friends!

I can't wait to build more life with you in the coming year!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 
 

Congratulations Jory and Sabrina!!

You have given me more than I could ever hope to give back. Luckily I know that soon you will be getting the same from your own little peanut!!! xoxo

 

Jory and Sabrina - Bride and Groom!

 

 

Flower Girls

Living room wedding family photo

Autism Answer: Being Married (The Value of Commitment)

I have been happily married for sixteen years now. And honestly, although seemingly not much changed in our relationship after we took our vows, one important all encompassing life altering thing did.

Being married meant, to me, that I had made a choice. That now we would find a way to make it work. 

As girlfriend and boyfriend there was this feeling that I was "trying something on, seeing how it fit" and so I was only partially committed. Part of me was still being critical and curious; focusing on how the relationship made me feel while staying open to the possibility of something better. However, once we decided to get married I became happily and passionately committed! 

Much like being a mom (with my sons I never wondered if I should break up when our relationship was challenging, instead I found ways to make life work smoothly again) being married has meant approaching problems with an absolute desire to figure something out. It's honestly been life changing! 

Thanks to my marriage, I can now do this quite easily in all of my relationships. 
  
My husband and I are absolutely different, so obviously different, in fact, that we are constantly asked how on earth we ended up together. In conversation my hubby and I hardly ever agree on anything! We don't even like any of the same foods. In almost every aspect of our long, lovely marriage together, we don't agree. 

This has taught me to seek the sameness underneath. 

In my marriage it's a strong love of family, a deep respect for each other, and a desire to love and be loved for who we are, not who we might become. 

With everyone in the world there are sameness's. A need to be loved and understood, a desire to protect ourselves and our loved ones, a feeling of individuality along with one of connectedness. These are some places where pretty much all of us are the same. Being married to someone so different from me has helped me seek these sameness's rather than immediately "break up" with or disregard people because of the clashing differences that sit on top. 

I am committed; to myself, in my marriage, as a mom, in my love with nature, and to most of the people I meet.  

I don't believe that being married is the only way to learn this important life lesson, of course. It can be learned as a parent, employee, community volunteer, or business owner. I could go on and on. 

The point is: I encourage all of us to see the value in commitment. Not only to our spouses and friends, but to every being on our struggling planet. When we're committed, when we aren't wondering if we should "break up" with our problems or inconveniences, we have an impressive capacity to create effective solutions. Our problems become less problematic when we know that they are a puzzle we can solve, if we commit ourselves.

  
For sixteen years I have tried to get my husband to see the importance of organic foods and the value of turning off the tv, while he as tried to convince me that humans are naturally cruel and that there are good reasons to judge people who dress too sexy. The list of things we still debate and passionately disagree on is longer than you can likely imagine.

But although my husband and I don't agree on much, we do agree on this: We have been happily married for sixteen years. 

Not because we are the same and not because we don't talk about our differences. But because we are committed to making it work; for both of us. 
  
There are many things I like about being married. 

That most of all!

Hugs, smiles, and love!! 
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Edit: Sometimes we commit to a marriage or relationship and not the people in it, and that is a dangerous mistake. Unhappiness and abuse are almost always the result. But when we commit to people, when we choose carefully the ones we keep close, the value of seeking sameness remains clear. And, friends, walking away can take great commitment! When my sons move out, when I leave an abusive friend, when I say no to helping my step-daughter, this takes great commitment to myself and our sameness! I trust they can find what they need elsewhere, as I can. 

Autism Answer: On The Power Of Joking

"Laughter is joy percolating." ~Lynette Louise, The Brain Broad

Because my mom is both a comedian and an international mental health and brain expert (Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad) I know a few smart things about jokes. 

I came across this fun little article (Married Role-Play from The New Yorker) in my news feed. I have some thoughts.

Excerpt: 

The Plumber

HUSBAND: So, what seems to be the problem, Miss?

WIFE: My drain is clogged. Clogged bad.

HUSBAND: Oh, yeah? Well, let me see if I can un-clog it.

WIFE: You really think this is a job you can handle?

HUSBAND: There’s no job I can’t handle.

WIFE: (scoffs)

HUSBAND: What?

WIFE: I’m just thinking about the porch you’ve been promising to stain for literally a year now.

HUSBAND: Jesus, what the hell does the porch have to do with this?

WIFE: It has everything to do with it!

HUSBAND: You know what, unclog your own goddamned drain!

WIFE: Stain the porch!

Follow THIS LINK to read the rest.

(My thoughts will make slightly more sense if you peek at the article first, but you don't have to. You'll still get my point.)

These scenes are funny because most people accept the viewpoint that being married means letting the monotony of life create friction and fighting. I've been married for fifteen years and none of the jokes in this piece were anything near what I could relate to. 

However, I would have laughed and slapped my knee and said, "Tell me about it!" if those same role-playing distractions (picking up the kids, finishing the porch, etc.) had made the couples lose the sexy mood and get busy with the business of life, rather than snap and fight. If they rushed to pick the kids up from school, absentmindedly still in role playing garb, it would have been hilarious! 

As the piece is now, it's funny, but it's the kind of funny that paints an unnecessary picture of marriage. It will encourage people to believe it's correct or expected to argue and nitpick and holler at each other.

Having said that, I'll admit--I giggled. 

My mom learned early in her comedy career the power of jokes and then taught it to us kids. It's so healthy to have a sense of humor, to laugh freely and often! It's even healthier if we take a look at what we laugh at and why. And then adjust accordingly. We are highly aware of this in the autism and mental health community! My mom has even written a one woman musical comedy show, Crazy to Sane, where inspirational and edgy comedy meet important, revealing, and life altering lessons. (I encourage you to get the CD or Mp3!)

Before I was ever married, this fun article would have made me laugh freely and comfortably, and I would have believed it. Back then, I did believe it. Because of the humor surrounding me, how could I not believe that marriage generally grows into annoyance and name calling?

And because I believed it, I looked down on marriage. And in relationships I often played the role by nitpicking or arguing because that's what seemed supposedly "normal" aka "acceptable and right". Yes, I was young and wrong. But that's when we learn easiest and make most of our connections.   

At the time of this writing I have been happily married for fifteen years, largely because my mom taught us the power of jokes and joking. You see, we can use this power to our advantage! Using laughter purposefully  is not only a healthy way to teach and learn, it's pee-your-pants fun!!

I'll let ya in on a little secret, friends. My husband and I are happily married but it's not because we resonate well organically. The truth is, we don't like each other's opinions much, but we love and respect the place where all of our opinions come from. It's hard to explain, but there it is. We don't want nitpicking or arguing to be normal, for us or for our children, so we don't do it. Instead, we find a way to love the value of learning from someone you just don't agree with! Like reading a really good book from a vastly different perspective, we find each other intriguing and a little bit crazy, maybe even scary, but in a good way. In a way that makes us explore and expand our edges. It's terrifically hard to explain but beautiful nonetheless!

So, friends, let's please remember the power in our jokes! That certainly doesn't mean we should ever be afraid to laugh!! No, no, no! Let's laugh! While we also talk about why we're laughing, and shift when we feel the need. Let's not judge others when they laugh (because goodness knows we ourselves will laugh and have laughed when perhaps we could have instead chosen to learn) but instead chat and discover and share our reasons! 

So feel free to laugh at this article. Feel free to think I'm wrong or ridiculous. But please, also, remember the power of our jokes.

If these married couple role-playing scenes ended the way I imagine, the way that would have been funny to me (with husbands actually cleaning the pool while the wife actually picks up the kids toys, and the sex sometimes getting forgotten--but both parties are comfortable about it) we'd teach another truth of marriage. 

It would still be funny while it painted a picture of collaboration and sharing responsibility: It would paint a picture of love. 

There. Comedy lecture over! 


Here, I've got another sexy joke for ya!

Check out this short stand-up video where The Brain Broad teaches a bit about female anatomy to a misinformed gentleman (?) at the bar. 

Hugs, smiles, laughter, and love!!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)