Autism Answer: Highlighting My Favorite International Woman This International Women's Day!

This International Women's Day I'm highlighting my favorite international woman!

Dr. Lynette Louise (aka The Brain Broad) (aka my mom!) is the single mom of eight (six adopted, four with cognitive dysfunctions) an inspirational comedian and singer/songwriter, a brain & behavior expert, an award-winning author, an international autism show host (FIX IT IN FIVE with LYNETTE LOUISE aka THE BRAIN BROAD, on The Autism Channel

Me and my sister and a couple of her kids.

and Vimeo On Demand) a grandma, great-grandma, and family addict. (Seriously, my mom, my sister, and I have a family addiction issue. It just feels soooooooo goooooood to be together!)

The bravest, strongest, biggest hearted women I know are my mom and my sister. 

My mom: Against all odds (abuse, her own autism, single parenting, children adopted from abuse and with their own disabilities, prejudice, and more) my mom raised us all with a firm belief in, and expectation of, our potential. And - despite what our society kept saying via film, magazine covers, classroom rules, expected etiquette and "normal" behavior,  and well meaning but dangerously cruel professionals -  we all couldn't help but believe mom's belief in us. It was just so darn real and insistent! 

My sister: She grew and worked in ways unlike my mom but always with that same brave, ferocious love for her children. A love that she uses as a compass in all her decision making, regardless of how uncommon the path or how strong she'll have to be to travel it. If she believes it's best for her babes she heads straight for it. Period. 

My mom again: My sister knows it's possible to do the impossible for your children because that was exampled consistently and creatively for us all our lives. My mom never let the world or the status quo define who we were or who we could be. Sure, that most often meant making difficult choices and working against the grain. It meant constantly and tirelessly teaching teachers and neighbors how to love and respect her brood. Something that just seemed so darn obvious to her yet was one of the more common problems. But mom knew we were worth it. She believed in us so hard that we couldn't help but believe in

From my mom's international docu-series FIX IT IN FIVE

ourselves. 

CONFESSION: Sometimes I wished she'd stop believing in me so much because choosing my own destiny seemed like a lot of responsiblitiy. tee hee! 

So I'm highlighting a wonderful international woman this International Women's Day. She's only one of the many worth celebrating, but she's the one I have been most influenced and supported by. This is the reason we need to celebrate and encourage women. Because of the influence and inspiration and support they offer to others. Not just other women, but the world.

You gotta admit. The world can always benefit from a woman's touch! 

Happy International Woman's Day!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Family photo from our younger years. :D

I encourage you to visit my mom's websites to learn more about her awesome-ness and how she is helping families around the globe! www.lynettelouise.com / www.brainbody.net 

Autism Answer: No Means No - And Even More, You Need Permission

Me, thinking.

"What did I do? How did I screw up again? What is it about me? Why am I so weak and pathetic?"

Those are the things I wondered every time I was sexually harassed, molested, or raped.

"Well, it was only boob touching, it was only rubbing my bum, it was only uncomfortable sex, it wasn't me screaming and fighting and getting punched and stuff."

Those are the things I said when loved ones encouraged me to tell, to bring the incidents to the attention of authorities.

"No means no. Even if you think it's a game, even if nobody is screaming, no means no. Every time. Not only that, you need to get permission. You need to be told yes. Every time."

That was the thing a judge said when I did go to court, when I did listen to my sister and my mom and go to authorities.

It was a huge, huge, huge important thing. Because, you see, I hadn't known. My rapist hadn't known. We were equally surprised to learn it. I had felt certain that my promises of sexual interest the weeks before gave me next to no rights that day he showed up with a friend. I believed my tears and quiet pleas of, "no, I changed my mind," were, as my rapist said, unfair and invalid.

I had heard, of course, that no means no. I had heard it before that day. But I hadn't believed it. I hadn't seen it proved true in the the world. So, I hadn't really believed it. Not until that judge said it with such clarity from his important place in that room. 

I listen, we all listen, to authority and power in a different way than we listen outside of it.

When authority and power takes advantage, sexually and otherwise, we hear it different. We believe it different.We expect different things from ourselves and the people around us.

By that same token, though, when authority and power chooses to teach, example, and insist on equality, on kindness, on speaking up, we hear it different. We believe it different. We expect different things from ourselves and the people around us. 

I would like to say that when I left that court room I never blamed myself again. I'd like even more to say that I never had reason to wonder who's fault harassment and sexual abuse were. I can't say that. 

It still happened. In this world, where the culture is one that breeds a belief in "boys will be boys" and "what a cock tease" and "way to go man, high five" and "well, you shouldn't have been alone with him" it's more likely to happen than not, I fear. 

I can tell you, however, that I knew now that no means no. I knew that people had no right to touch my boobs or my bum without me telling them yes. And I knew I had no right to do such things to others without their permission. 

I can tell you that I started expecting different things from the world, and I started walking away and telling authorities when things were inappropriate. I had learned that sometimes people just don't know that what they are doing is wrong, and when they do know I have a right and responsibility to speak up so it might not happen to others.

"What did I do? How did I screw up again? What is it about me? Why am I so weak and pathetic?" This is one reason people don't tell when they are abused or harassed.But there are many others. Losing our jobs, thinking it's normal, knowing that other stronger women have been through more and handled it, these are a few other reasons. And there are more. 

Some people don't tell because they don't have the ability to. In the world of disability sexual abuse and harassment is a big problem. Also, pedophilia is a big problem. Disabled people and children are already too often taught by society that they ought to shut up and do what they are told. Often they are treated as less than or as lucky to be taken care of in the first place. Often, they just don't have the ability to speak at all because of their disability or young, young, young age. 

I wish I could gather everyone into that courtroom with me, everyone in the world, and we could listen together in the same way I listened that day. I wish everyone could hear, the way I heard - with conviction and belief and life changing tectonic plate shifting clarity - what I heard that judge say. 

  
"No means no. Even if you think it's a game, even if nobody is screaming, no means no. Every time. Not only that, you need to get permission. You need to be told yes. Every time."

If you ever catch yourself, as the done-to or the doer, justifying by thinking these sorts of things: 

"Well, it was only boob touching, it was only bum rubbing, it wasn't screaming and fighting and getting punched and stuff."

And there was not permission given, no clear "yes" offered, then something went wrong. (And where disabled people are concerned "yes" can be not enough, depending on the disability, and where children are concerned, just NO.)

Don't hate yourself. But take steps to change it. Reach out and apologize or admit your cruelty if you were the doer, talk to the safest person for you, in your situation, if you are the done-to. 

Sex and sexuality are interesting and exciting and filled with valuable fun, love, learning, and exploration. I encourage you to do the work of making sure it is done carefully and mindfully. 

We have to change the culture around this issue. We have to be not afraid to ask for sex while we aren't afraid to say no. We have to teach each other that it is never ever okay to push or force or sneak in unwelcome touches. 

No means no. And even more, you need permission. 

It's simple, really. 

Let's make sure everyone gets the memo. 

Let's change the culture.  

We've got to.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

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For more on this topic I suggest this article by my mom, Lynette Louise ("The Brain Broad"): When I Was Easy To Rape It Was Still Rape

As well as my mom's survivor spotlight on RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network): 

Survivor Spotlight Domestic Violence Awareness Month 

Also consider checking out this documentary that my mom was a part of: HUSH: Hollywood's Uncovered Sexual Harassment 

Or even purchase a copy of my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up where I talk candidly about being molested by my step-father and mention being groped by a fellow co-worker as well as threatened by a creepy phone repair man. I also tell the story of me raping a boyfriend. As is my habit I tell these stories with an eye on answers and hope. It is my intention to always tell the difficult stories, to not hide from them, while seeking helpful nuggets of wisdom and suggestions for change. My success rate is yet to be determined. Actually, scratch that. I am successful because my home and my life and my mind are healthy, happy, and safe. :D

 

Autism Answer: Long Distance Grandma

My granddaughter

"Trust me, lovely, you don't want to make those choices. Not yet, anyway."

I was chatting with my daughter-in-law, my granddaughter was sleeping in her car-seat, safely buckled in the backseat of my car. We were in no hurry, heading to the high school with plenty of time to spare, the conversation had wandered into "mistakes we make when we're young parents" territory.

This is my domain. This is a landscape I understand well.

"I know," my daughter-in-law was characteristically agreeing with me, unwilling to disagree out of politeness. This is another habit I understand all too well.

I had only four days to spend with these two. I had flown them from California to visit me in Texas - first time flying for both my daughter-in-law and my granddaughter - and I was getting in every second of snuggles, chatting, and connecting that I possibly could. 

"You remind me of me, in many ways. I used to drive without a license, I used to drive without registering or insuring my car. Until I went to jail. Until I found myself unable to get home to my own children because I was, apparently, a "bad guy" needing to be locked up."

"The system is all wrong," my daughter-in-law, who had been a foster kid since the age of seven, was following the train of thought I had laid down for her. The system, authority, laws. I knew this was a track we could travel together in order to bring us to the place where her recent choices would make a stop at the station of my once-upon-a-time choices and I could offer her a ticket to a new and safer destination.

"Tell me about it," I organically agreed. "Protesting and civil disobedience are necessary to change a broken system. But your job right now, your biggest job right now, is to always come home to your daughter." As if on cue, my granddaughter made a sweet cooing sound in her sleep. My heart fluttered and I smiled. My daughter-in-law smiled, too. "And, anyway, something else I learned back when I was your age, making similar mistakes. Some of those laws and rules are valid. Sometimes, we're avoiding them, not justifiably refusing them." She was nodding and I was nodding and we both knew how real that statement was.  

"So," I continued, "take less chances, for now. Tie up loose ends, do dreaded paperwork, make choices that are not outside of laws, though they can certainly dance on the edges." We laughed. I had previously been telling her about my own belief in giving my sons freedom when they were little and how it had often put me in the position of being stared at and tsk tsked by strangers and acquaintances. Sure, my boys were practically naked in the backseat of the car, but they were legally buckled. Dancing on the edges of the rules!

"But," I promised her with passion, "as a long distance grandma I can partake in some important civil disobedience. Don't you worry, I plan to! There are so many places where the system needs changing, where the rules are put in place for reasons that are sometimes understandable but in practice they don't work. They harm people. Not only that, but in the places where it's not the laws or rules that are in the way but a cultural indifference or cruelty, I can step up there too! Fearless, that's what I hope I can be. For you, and for my granddaughter."

I have a feeling that at this point I had lost my daughter-in-law's interest, but not my own. 

This is something I'd thought about before, the necessity of treading carefully so that we can always come home to our children when they are young, along with the necessity of carefully and cleverly, thoughtfully and purposefully, stepping onto less safe ground when insisting on social or political change as they grow older and no longer need us at home.

Because our children, our grandchildren, our planet and our fellow living beings, will always need and rely on each other. But we don't always have to play it safe.

As a long distance grandma I have the responsibility and the freedom to go the distance. I live far away and I can see far away, too. Years and intention have given me that. Listening and telling have given me that. Travel and stability have given me that.

"Anyway," I said as we pulled into the high school parking lot, picking my youngest son up from his Leadership meeting, "just take the paperwork one step at a time. Let me know when I can help. Don't forget, just because I'm a long distance grandma doesn't mean I can't get on the phone or online and help you with whatever needs doing."

My daughter-in-law gave me a smile and a thank you. She reminded me that I had just finished helping her with one of the very things she had been avoiding, and I reminded her that I would happily do it again.

My granddaughter stayed sleeping in her car-seat. Safely buckled and trusting.

Trusting us.

We're going to prove to her that by trusting us she's making the right choice.

Her mom and dad will come home to her, and I will step into the world and ask it to be a better, safer, kinder, heathier place for her. 

I'm a long distance grandma. 
I'll go the distance. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Autism Answer: When Leadership Is Thrust Upon You, Learn

Me graduating kindergarten

"Tsara is thoughtful and quiet. I enjoyed having her in my class." ~Elementary School Teachers

I am naturally nervous with attention from people I have been taught, or I have chosen to learn, to consider more-than-my-equal. And so I quickly learned to stay quiet, be polite, and do as asked around adults or people with some sort of authority, real or imagined. That is why teachers always loved having me in their class. Until they didn't. Because I could only keep up the kind, quiet, do what they say with no questions asked charade for so long. 

Eventually (in my early teens) I felt a growing understanding that what I wanted and who I was mattered equally to what they wanted and who they were. But I was at a loss at how to make this shift. So I became moody and withdrawn (around adults and teachers that is, I was quite an obnoxious flirt with my friends!) until I became gone. Skipping class was my M.O. 

I tell you this only to help you understand just how improbable it always was that I would step into any leadership role. 

But as the oldest sister of a wildly weird rag-tag bunch of kids, labels of the professional kind and of the thrown-at-you-by uncomfortable peers and nosy inconvenienced neighbors kind, I found myself slowly (and reluctantly) advocating, explaining, and exampling the need for understanding, kindness, and expectations. 

In other words, I became a leader. 

My story, of course, is not unique or unfamiliar. Some people (like my mom) are born with a clear vision of how they want the world to behave and jump up on the nearest soap-box to preach, teach, and even beg. But many of us are more comfortable in an audience; in almost any audience at first. 

As we grow to know ourselves better we begin to be purposeful when choosing in what audience we are comfortable being. But still, audience. I am an assistant at heart but I have learned to assist only those I believe in assisting; those that help me connect with myself and my desire to play a purposeful role in the world. 

But as simple as this sounds, choosing a leader or choosing a group or choosing a team, and choosing well, takes skill. In point of fact, it takes Leadership skill. 

And so I learned to be a better leader. I learned and I continue to learn. 

As parents, friends, activists, advocates, siblings, and teachers, I hope you also learn and continue to learn. 

 “A Natural Leader naturally knows how to build herself using the world around her and the raw material of her personage. A Learned Leader learns to do the same. In the end, you can’t tell one from the other. So learn.” ~Lynette Louise (The Brain Broad)

 
LET'S ALWAYS REMEMBER: 

As advocates, we need to hone and refine and enhance our Leadership skills. 

As I mentioned, many of us have had the work of "advocate" thrust upon us because of our passion, love, and view of things that comes from a different perspective. 

Admittedly, large portions of us (example: me) are uncomfortable or unsure in a leadership role. Though, we do our best. We speak or write or attend meetings or example and explain for our neighbors - and we hope that we are having an effect.

With this in mind I am obligated and excited to tell you about an upcoming event, back by popular demand!
 
Please, I encourage you, I encourage us, to take advantage (if possible) of the upcoming Annual Leadership Summit - Albany (Nov. 2-3) and, more specifically, of Lynette Louise (The Brain Broad) who is one of the renowned speakers for the event. 

And even more specifically, attend her cost-free "after party" where she'll host a gathering of folks interested in mental health and/or brain science, especially as it relates to Leadership, parenting, teaching, activism, and advocacy.

Share this with your friends, groups, and networks! 

Better yet, attend this with your friends, groups, and networks!

Lynette is only one of the fabulous speakers who are presenting at the event. Don't miss out!

More info and links here: Recognize, Choose, and Become Better Leaders with Lessons from The Brain Broad

As advocates and team builders for our children, as educators and teachers for other people's children, as parents and siblings in our home, Leadership skills - particularly when taught by a special needs team builder, educator, teacher, and parent - are always necessary and valuable. 

Plus, the event is healthy fun!

 “Ideas don’t grow simply because they have been planted. They must fall on fertile soil.”~Lynette Louise (The Brain Broad)

Take steps to be sure your brain-soil is fertalized for the healthiest ideas! 


Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 P.S: I understand that attending an event can be overly challenging or even impossible. Sometimes an event comes along that we know, we know, we must do all we can to make happen. (Like the time I took my sons to see Mariana's Trench in Dallas, TX and so we ate cheap off-brand noodles every day for a month, or the time I went to New York for a Publicity Summit and I could only eat what was offered free in hotel lobbies the entire trip.) Those are the things we do and we never regret. 

But when an event comes along and we know we want to go, and we know it would be good for us, but we also know that it's not quite exactly worth the sacrifices or challenges at the time, we let it go. I get it. I do that, too.

So, here's the next best thing! If the Annual Leadership Summit America - Albany, NY isn't going to happen for you, no worries! Use that same Leadership skill (the one that determined this was not the event you would attend) to purchase Lynette's Leadership book! It's filled with fabulous, insightful, surprising, actionable, and weirdly exciting Leadership Lessons! Follow this link for more about the book: http://www.lynettelouise.com/book/

And if you are attending the event, bring a copy of the book with you! Lynette can sign it if you'd like, plus it will give you a head-start on learning Leadership skills that you can then build on. You're such a clever leader for thinking of that! ;D

Autism Answer: Diversity Matters

*Diversity

 [dih-vur-si-tee, dahy-]

noun, plural diversities.

1.the state or fact of being diverse; difference; unlikeness:

diversity of opinion.

2.variety; multiformity.

3.the inclusion of individuals representing more than one national origin, color, religion, socioeconomic stratum, sexual orientation, etc.:

diversity in the workplace.

4.a point of difference.

*Definition borrowed from Dictionary.com

Diversity matters. 

Diversity is valuable and rewarding. Diversity is necessary for a sustainable world.

It also challenges us. It, quite rightly, can trigger nervousness and fear. That's okay. It's not wrong to feel nervous or unsure, but we are safer when we are aware of ourselves and our reasons in those moments. Diversity and difference stretches, reveals, and shows us things we are unlikely, and often unable, to understand on our own. This is an important place to be; where new perspectives and possibilities live. Often we will choose to walk away; often we will choose to change and stay. Let that nervousness wake you up, don't let it make your decisions for you. 

Seek diversity! Go out of your way to find it! In your films, friends, and books. Don't be afraid of seeking it on purpose. It feels weird at first to seek, specifically, a film from another culture. It feels like you're being prejudice or creepy almost, when you ask for books or blogs written by people you will likely label incorrectly because, right now, you don't know them well enough to know how to ask. It almost feels inappropriate in the beginning, to go looking for stories about things you don't like.

Do it anyway! Watch foreign films, read books written by writers with opposite-than-you views of the world, make friends with people you are inconvenienced by. Do it all with an open mind. 

Often, you won't stay friends, or you won't fall in love with the films, or you won't feel compelled to share the content, or you won't be captivated and changed by the books. But sometimes, you will.

It's for the sometimes that we need diversity. Because the sometimes becomes us. We teach our children and loved ones from the sometimes. Sometimes is memorable. And so we are inclined to share it.
 
We humans are a fantastic balance of different and same. We are unique, we crave different sensory stimulus and we work with different abilities and we believe in different reasons. But we are also very much the same. Love, acceptance, freedom, food, shelter. We crave these. In different ways, and different types, but we are all pretty much the same under, under, under it all. 

This is fascinating stuff! This is sustainable and necessary to appreciate and explore! 

Diversity matters, friends. 

Seek it! Appreciate it! Don't be mad at yourself when you fear it, but don't let the fear do more than wake your awareness. Fear is not useless, friends! It's a tool. Use it well! 

Make a new friend, seek a unique story, explore a culture you catch yourself judging without experiencing. Get to know something new! 

It's important.
It matters. 

Have a fantastic and diverse weekend, friends!


Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: A Conversation With My Brother About Meeting Girls

Some of us siblings chatting in the sun.

My Brother: I try to meet girls. I try to talk to them but some women are just so stuck up.

Me: True, but mostly we're not. Mostly we've learned to protect ourselves by ignoring advances and random compliments from men.

My Brother: But I'm just telling them they look good, it's a compliment.

Me: Sure, but I promise you, most of us women have experienced men talking to us in nasty, rude, inappropriate ways. Sometimes it starts with a friendly compliment and when we respond, even in the slightest, it turns into something nasty and uncomfortable. Certainly not all the time, but often enough that we've learned to pretend we didn't hear you.

My Brother: I guess I see what you mean. I've got friends who talk to girls that way. But you were just telling me to practice chatting with people in order to meet them, so what the heck am I supposed to do?

Me: Well, for starters, don't focus on how they look. Chatting with people is about connecting, recognizing similar interests. That sort of thing. If a woman is buying coffee in the grocery store and you've never tried that brand of coffee, for example, you could ask her if it's good. But, and this is important, only if you actually want to know. And if she doesn't answer you, don't take it personally. But also, if she does answer you, don't try to turn it into, "Can I have your number?" Just let it be a natural conversation. The better you get at that, the better your chances of connecting with people.

My Brother: Ya, I did that the other day. I chatted with a girl about her day at work and the conversation flowed easy. When it stopped, I just said, "Have a nice day," and went on my way.

Me: Perfect! Great example! Right now you just want to get comfortable honestly chatting. Eventually, a friendship can grow out of some of these encounters but don't force it.

My Brother: Wait, I always see you chat with people. Do you do the thing you were saying? Ignore people for protection or whatever?

Me: Mostly? Nope. Sometimes I do, when my gut tells me to, but mostly I chat. I have a belief that in small ways I can make a difference by giving most people the benefit of the doubt and when it turns inappropriate (and, admittedly, it often does) I say, "No, I don't like that," in a strong, kind way. That's a new skill I have and I want to use it. Also, I want to get better at it. We have been taught in both subliminal and obvious ways that guys will do that, and girls will handle it, and that's just how it is. I don't agree. I think we can make it happen less if we change the underlying narrative and assumptions. So, I do my small part.

My Brother: Maybe those other girls should learn to do that. Give me the benefit of the doubt, like you said.

Me: Not necessarily. I used to respond to guys who called out to me and then I got myself in sticky situations when they were pushy. I didn't have the "no" skill I have now. So, for many women, ignoring is probably safer. It's not up to us girls to solve this problem, we need to insist that the boys don't think it's okay to treat us as sexy toys. We've got to work together on this one.

My Brother: So, I should talk to girls about things that are happening in the moment, not about how they look.

Me: Yes! Exactly! Eventually, you'll be comfortable enough that you can add the piece about them being pretty to you, because it will happen naturally and not as an excuse to talk to them. Besides, it will also be good for you to pay attention to things other than what the girl looks like.

My Brother: (Dubiously) I guess.

Me: (Giggle!) You are so funny to me. You call the girls stuck up but you are a little stuck up yourself there, mister!

My Brother: I guess.
___________________

I love that my brothers will have these kinds of conversations with me. I love sharing my perspective and learning theirs.

My favorite thing about diversity done well is the guided imagining of a different perspective.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

 

Autism Answer: A Life Lesson About Being A Little Bit Stinky

Multitasking: Dancing, making coffee, sniffing armpit.

It doesn't feel good to be overly stinky. I don't really like it.

When stinky body odor first started to happen to me I happily reached for the grown-up feeling deodorant. Yes, at first I often forgot and would catch myself sweating with embarrassment around my peers. But soon, with motivation easily found - I was a teenager wanting to be discovered in certain ways by all the boys - it became a simple habit. Deodorant donned every morning without thought.

Many years later I began to pay closer attention to the buzzing and whispers I heard about the unhealthy ingredients in most deodorants. I wasn't anywhere near willing to quit it, but I heard myself explaining it to my sons and when buying them deodorants I would suggest minimal use.

Yes, I tried chemical free deodorants a bit. No, they didn't work for me. Although, I still sometimes used them.

A few years later I learned more about motivations, money, and health. Applying those learning's to deodorant I couldn't help but feel complicit and cruel. Where is the motivation for companies to create effective healthy deodorants that will help keep our entire society healthier (including my sons!) if consumers are easily buying the toxic stuff already available? The toxic buildup from deodorant is actually, really, truly affecting me and my family. It's not just a thing to say and know; it's a thing that's happening.

So, I went searching in earnest for sustainable, healthy, fair-trade type deodorants. I started sometimes making my own.

This is what I learned:
Sometimes I stink a little. And that's okay. Most of the time I either smell fine thanks to a natural substance that I'm using and my healthy diet, or because that day I just happen to smell fine. Sometimes I even use good-ol-fashioned-not-good-for-me deodorant. There are events I go to (school concerts) where I decide to be certain of not stinking at all.

But sometimes, I stink a little. And that's okay. Seriously, what's so horrible about stinking a little? It's just my smell, my naturally occurring smell. Now, I don't think it's awesome to be absolutely stinky. That's often (though certainly not always) a sign of something unhealthy going on - stress, lack of self-care, poor butt-wiping skills, etc - but stinking a little bit some of the time is what I am. A living animal with scents and sounds and chin hair.

Here's my life lesson: 
Too often we cover up the truth of things with fancy smells regardless of the harm we're doing. If something doesn't stink, it's not so much offending us. But, that's proven itself to be a dangerous attitude! Sometimes the beautiful true nature of a thing will surprise, challenge, and even slightly offend us. Not because it's offensive but because we've been taught to be offended. And other times we avoid helping ourselves and others by dousing them in nice poisonous artificial smells. This is, again, our way of not being offended by something. But this time, maybe we should be offended. And we should do the work of making changes.

So, to sum up, covering ourselves and our issues in fancy smells regardless of who we may be hurting in the process is an all too socially accepted habit. One we might want to discontinue.

Also, when you and I meet for coffee, you might notice that I'm a little bit stinky. Lucky you! What a wonderful excuse to deeply inhale the delightful smell of your gorgeous scented beverage!! tee hee!

Happy Friday, friends!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Exploring Memories

A MEMORY: I’m sitting in my hot car outside of the high school. The music is on and I’m singing my heart out to Heaven On Their Minds from Jesus Christ Superstar, my windows open and my eyes closed to better get lost in the lyrics. Also, closing my eyes is easier than apologizing to my unfortunate audience of other parents in cars, waiting for the kids to be dismissed. Of course, unlike me, they have left their cars and air conditioning running so their windows are closed. I feel a little bit good for the environment simultaneously as I’m bad for the ears.

I’m pulled suddenly out of my headspace by a tap on the shoulder. It’s a dad to one of the girls my gay son (not yet out of the closet) is dating. We laugh for a minute about my singing when he asks curiously, “So, what do you think of this relationship our kids are in?” It’s a legitimate question. His daughter, my son, and one other girl have decided to all date each other. They hold hands and sneak off into the woods to smooch. “Hey, it’s working for them. They seem happy.”

My answer is careful, I don’t know this man well. He shrugs. “As long as my daughter isn’t dating one of those black boys, you know?”

I’m uncomfortable, of course. “You know that my husband is black, right?” I’m trying to keep the mix of anger, fear, hurt, and confusion from my voice.

“Oh, that’s different. I’m talking about these black boys, not your husband.”

I don’t know what to say and I don’t want to be put in the position of having to know what to say. I just want to live somewhere else where people don’t call them black boys and they turn off their cars because they care about the environment. His judgment breeds my own.

A MEMORY: My friend and I are sitting beneath the stars sipping coffee. The breeze is delicious and the coffee refreshing and our conversation nourishing. I’m on a roll, talking about how lately I’m beginning to see the value of impatient reactions. How sometimes an issue needs to be obnoxiously shoved to get it out of the deep rut it’s been stuck in. I barely mention the Black Lives Matter movement when my friend interrupts angrily. “That movement makes me so angry… all lives matter…why do they think violence is the way….so don’t act like that if you want to be treated fairly…not all of them but when they get together…sure, it used to be bad for them but now it’s not…they are erasing all the good work…”

I love, love, love my friend, but I don’t agree with almost anything she has said. Yet, I listen. I remember, even, thinking similar things myself once upon a time. Then I assert my view. I take my time sharing how I see it, not shying away or shoving my ideas at her. We never agree on this issue, but we have things to think about that night.

I have an endless list of memories that have reminded me to speak out, to be forgiving, to listen and learn.'

The more I open myself up to these learnings the more I want things to change while I also feel comfortable with the truth that change is a constant; there is no finish line.

A MEMORY: I am reminded of a conversation I had with my niece. She is pansexual and my son is gay. Labels that, themselves, prove a problem: the problem of wanting labels to explain people.

We were talking about the lack of representation in film. She complained that when they do include LGBTQ storylines, the sexuality is used as a plot device.

“I hear you,” I agreed. “But I admit to doing it myself, in my screenplay CARHOPPING. The thing is, we’re still at a place in society where the issues that come up when using it as a device need to be acknowledged and respected. The struggles and situations that we experience in a society that chooses to marginalize and abuse the LGBTQ community are worth exposing. But I do agree with you. If TV and film represented all communities as though they are already accepted and expected, if we tell stories with the assumption of acceptance, the world will follow faster. The characters will just be who they are and the stories won't be about fighting for that right or struggling with the lack of it.”

Most of our important shifts - as individuals and as communities - are a result of listening to and learning from diversity and perspectives different from our own. For too long we didn't seek these perspectives purposely. We fought them.

Now, though, we have access to films, books, articles, videos, from all over the spectrum of humanity! I encourage us to take advantage of that!!

Let's purposely experience foreign films and books written by people drastically different from ourselves!

AND WE CAN REVISIT OUR MEMORIES: Those times when we were offered a foreign idea or opinion, or when we ourselves were foreign.

We have so much already within us and offered to us. If we aren't in the mood to reach out we can reach in.

BONUS: Memories don't rely on technology or money. Plus, they don't have commercials and they rarely spam you! tee hee!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Have a peek inside my book of moments and memories!

Autism Answer: When Our Uncles And Their Stories Are Murdered

My Uncle Henry

My adopted uncle was murdered before he could teach me much about his culture. So now he's dead and I don't know. That's how it happens. #Indiginous
 
Thinking of my Uncle Henry a lot lately.

My mom was his biggest champion, inviting him to live with us when he'd been kicked out of everywhere, fighting with everyone to see him, to love him, and to listen to him. My uncle was understandably lost, alone, conflicted, afraid to be himself and afraid not to be himself. My sister and I loved it when he sat on our living room floor to make bannock but we weren't ever entirely comfortable around him. Too many people looked at him wrong. Plus, my mom loved him fiercely because she had to. She couldn't just relax and love him because loving my Native American uncle meant fighting for him. So we loved him too, but with a feeling of responsibility we didn't understand.  

My uncle was murdered, the murderer went to jail and committed suicide, my mom continued to fight and love and fight some more. 

I felt conflicted. As a niece who was interested in her mysterious uncle, I wanted her to keep him alive and to tell me more. But as a selfish little girl, I wanted her to stop fighting for him now, to let him go, to just watch me and my sister sing and play.

Mom didn't spend much time on what was wanted and instead focused on what had to be done. She fought on. She gathered more people to care for; diversity of culture and abilities surrounded us. My siblings are from all kinds of cultural backgrounds (Native American, Irish, Japanese) and neurodiversity was the name of our game (autism, Tourette's, genius, retardation) while layers of abuse were all of ours to help peel away. 

My sister and I learned how to love fiercely, too.

And we also learned how to love comfortably.

I think we're always evolving with this issue and I think we do it well. Love, listen, learn, connect, support, teach, ask, tell. Don't fight so much as be and show and love. But don't back down or run away either. Clashes will happen. Loving people who are abused by groups of people means stepping up and standing strong. It means, sometimes, fighting for them.

My adopted uncle was murdered before he could teach me much about his culture. So now he's dead and I don't know. But I can try to learn.

And I do.
I love you, mom.
I love you, Uncle Henry.
I love you, messy messed up world.
I love you.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Me with a book that tells a tale of Canada's uncomfortable history with Indigenous people.

Autism Answer: Get Out Daily - Another November Challenge

Out to dinner. #GetOutDaily

November. It's got No Shave November (Grow Cancer Awareness) and NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). 

Let's take that can-do spirit (or "don't do spirit" I suppose in the case of not shaving!) and add Get Out Daily Month. 

I've said it before (like, a lot!) and I'll say it again: The world can't get to know or grow comfortable with our diversity, and our diversity can't grow comfortable with the world, if we don't go out. 

Yes, it is sometimes challenging. Yes, it means going out in a world that has been largely built for and built by folks without disabilities or differences (and, often, folks who are trying hard to hide their disabilities or differences). But where is the motivation for anyone to change that if we stay home? 

I'm the first to admit that sometimes I just don't wanna do it. Sometimes I just wanna stay home with my mixed race relationship and my cheek squishing son and my brings her own containers self. Sometimes I don't want to see everyone stare or roll their eyes or whisper about us to each other. 

I'm the first to admit that sometimes I do stay home. 

But most of the time (now, not in my younger years) I go out. I do it for me, and I do it for you. I'm entirely aware that if you were going out more, and if so many of us were going out more, we wouldn't feel so isolated and alone. We wouldn't feel such a strong burden to represent well for our communities and families. 

So, yes, I admit that it's a bit of a challenge. But nothing compared to those who have gone

On our way to an auto parts junk yard. #GetOutDaily

out before us!! Nothing compared to the brave people who fought for civil rights in recent history. School was segregated for my husband until he was in eleventh grade. My husband spent his youth allowed to enter only the back door of restaurants because of the color of his skin. In his first several jobs he was expected to show up early and leave late while he made far less money than his white coworkers, who easily and often blamed him for their mistakes. This was in my husbands youth! Not some long ago time only in the movies, friends. 

Things change because we show up. Because we show ourselves and say what we need. Over and over and over and over. 

So, to those who are challenging themselves with No Shave November, I promise to cheer you on! Folks who are taking on NaNoWriMo, I salute you! (Also, my son and I are joining you!)

Let's also Get Out Daily! Post pictures, videos, status updates if you'd like. Use a #GetOutDaily hashtag (I just made that up, feel free to come up with something catchier!) or just talk about it with family and friends. 

Hold hands with your trans lover in the park, stim in the store with your autistic father, roll with your friend in her wheelchair to the post office, eat at your favorite restaurant with your mixed race family, take your Tourette's Syndrome self out for a spa day. Let's get out! Daily!

ADVANCED GET OUT DAILY SUGGESTION: Don't only go to the safe spaces where they know you. Adventure! Explore! 

If we do this, an added bonus for us will be that when people ask what we need, what would make things a little more accessible, we'll have better answers. It's hard to have specific suggestions when we are in avoidance mode. 

Good luck and have fun!
I'll see you out there!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

At the bowling ally! #GetOutDaily