Autism Answer: One Step Removed

My boys

Another one of my sons is getting married.

My oldest son is going to have another baby.

My youngest son is finishing up his last year in high school, applying to colleges and deciding on the order of his future.

Another of my sons is focussed on finding work while actively being an amazing, babysitting, video making uncle.
 

My oldest son with is wife and daughter

My husband and I are often snuggled in bed talking about and smiling about and reminiscing about these fabulous sons of ours.

Rarely, though, are we able to do things for them.  

It feels strange, and new, and important, and discombobulating. Who are we now? My husband is retired. I'm thinking about stories. We're physically far away from most of our loved ones.

When the boys were younger they talked often with me about my role. We have always lived life right on the poverty line, sometimes on one side and sometimes on the other but always within view. I would ask them if they liked having me so available, or if they would rather I work, get a paycheck, buy them shoes. Always, without hesitation, they agreed that it was more like a rich life having me around than having new shoes. So, I was available. I was a "yes" mom. Can my friend come over? Yes! Can we go to the park? Yes! Want to watch this movie with me? Yes! Can you read a chapter of this book with me? Yes, yes, yes!

Although I could rarely say yes to requests for THINGS, I could almost always say yes to requests for ME, my time.

Me with my second youngest son at the theatre

But my sons are older, they are men. My baby boy is seventeen and my oldest son will be twenty-four in a month. A married man with a daughter and another child on the way. All of my sons are living their lives and creating their homes and setting up shop for their futures.

I am still readily available to be a yes mom, but they don't really have requests for me anymore. Sure, they love me and have updates to share. They call me (EDIT: they answer or return my calls) with news and ideas to share, asking - always - that I share it all with their dad. (My husband is chronically uncomfortable with social calls or being on the spot.) They incorporate me and my husband in their lives and I doubt they even feel like our roles are much different from in their childhood.
 

My youngest son and my husband

But I feel it. I feel it big time!

This is not at all a sad thing. I'm beginning to truly, truly love being one step removed. I've worked hard and done a wonderful job of loving my sons. Sure, I made types of mistakes that I can barely understand, knowing how badly I wanted to be an amazing mom. But, still, I chose even more loving actions and words that I can be proud of. And, I am!

So my husband and I get to snuggle and know we are still a part of everything that happens next. We are more than part of it, we are a foundation things are being built on. And we, ourselves, exist on the foundation of our people.

I am still a yes mom and am learning what that looks like now that I'm one step removed. It's easier, more fun, and less frightening. Although, of course, it is also legitimately necessary and important.

My husband and I have earned this role of one step removed and are eager to take it on with pride and passion.

I love that!

My second oldest son with his fiance

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Autism Answer: Mother's Day, Hands Off Step-Mom Edition

My step-daughter and her boys.

I have three step-daughters but only one of my step-daughters was still a child when I married my husband. So, because two were already adults I don't really feel like a "step-mom" to them, but with the youngest I do. 

However, she is no longer a child. She is now the mother of two fabulous and funny boys! 

The other day I sent her this message:
"You know, I was just telling your dad that even though you and I are different styles of "mom" one thing we have in common is how freaking much we love our kids. It's written all over your face and soaked into the sound of your voice, as it is with me.
I hope you have a lovely Mother's Day planned for yourself!!
xoxo"

And her reply included this bit:
"Thank you to being a part of my life, not to be funny but i put your white girl Canadian twist to my parenting. And a Lil of my mom's white girl hood lol I love you so much. That's why I have so many pictures and books like you and Inspire my boys to think big and that they can be whatever they want to be. They can be a leader not a follower."

Now, that might not seem like much. 
But for me it meant the world!! 

When I married her dad I made a promise to myself that I would be a loving but "hands off" kind of step-mom. As a mom myself I knew that I wouldn't be comfortable overly sharing my own sons. I knew her mom wouldn't want to have me step in too obnoxiously. Also, I knew that it wasn't my privilege to step in obnoxiously, it was her mom's privileged. My step-daughter spent a lot of time with me and I loved to take her places and give her the gift of my love and my beliefs and my ideas when I could. My mom and my sister did as well. But I always remained somewhat on the sidelines. It seemed right. 

Sometimes, though, I worried that she'd think I didn't care. I am entirely different from her family. I live and love in ways that my step-daughter is unused to and I was afraid she wouldn't recognize. 

One of the greatest gifts my step-daughter has given me is letting me love her my own way. But now that greatest gift has grown bigger with her telling me that my way was not lost; that she felt it and held on to it. 

Some step-moms have a bigger role to play. When their children live with them or when the birth mom is largely absent, and you deserve to be hugely celebrated!!

But I think this post is mostly for those step-moms with a less sturdy and obvious role, with a more fluttering and inconsistent and almost unknowable role. The hands off step-mom, I guess!

For all you hands off step-moms out there, know that you have a beautiful and important role. Sometimes it's a really hard role, to step back and allow the parenting to happen with you gathering and giving from the sidelines. But you matter and your gifts are felt, your willingness to step in only sometimes doesn't mean you are forgotten but rather that you are kind enough not to take over. 

And for all of you step-children with step-moms and step-dads who are hands on or hands off, know that you are loved! Know that you are our world, even when it looks differently to you. We will certainly get stuff wrong, we might step in when we should step out, or step away when we should step up, but we know we're lucky to have you and want more than anything to do right by you. 

My step-daughter gave me a delicious gift the other day. She let me know that she felt my love, even as it fluttered about uncertainly. She offered me the opportunity to thank her for letting me know. 

And she takes care of her boys. Admittedly, in ways that sometimes makes me want to cringe, but with a love that is pure and real and willing, with a love that makes me proud of her and happy for her sons. 

Those boys are loved and they know they are loved!

And that is what a mother's first and most important job is. All of us moms. We will forever be working on the rest of that parenting stuff, but loving our kids and letting them know they are loved is our first and most important job.

For those of us who have step-moms and birth-moms and step-children and adopted children and birth children, well, we are lucky! We have plenty of ideas and love to work with!

Happy Mother's Day to every kind of mom!!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My step-daughter and some of our boys. Too many years ago!

Autism Answer: Watermelon and Problem Solving -- Happy Birthday Hubby!

My husband and one of our grandsons, munching on melon!

Today is my husband's birthday!

Yesterday we hung out with one of his daughters and some of the grand-kids eating watermelon and talking about the challenges of growing older. The challenges faced by my hubby, our children, and our grandchildren. 

And though we were talking about the hard stuff (figuring out how to pay bills on time, finding work, broken down cars, looking for a school that the kids are comfortable in) we laughed, hugged, danced and gobbled down sweet juicy locally grown watermelon while we chatted. 

And that's how we do it! 

We don't pretend the hard stuff isn't real or important, but we don't feel obligated to sit in the stress without pushing back either. 

We bring our joy to the problem solving table.

And, because my husband's birthday would not be complete without it, we bring cold sweet watermelon! 

Happy birthday, honey!!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

One of my hubby's daughters and a few of our grandsons. Happy Birthday my love!!

 

Autism Answer: Sometimes the Answer is to Send Her Home

I have a step-daughter who's a handful. Especially when she's been drinking alcohol. And she likes to drink alcohol.

So my husband and I have told her, often, that she's not welcome to come over to our home when she's been drinking alcohol.

Today she stopped by and she'd been quite obviously drinking. As she screamed and yelled and paced and swore at us we reminded her she was not welcome inside until she'd sobered up. Our seventeen year old son heard the commotion and came out of his room to see what strange new thing could possibly be going on in our silly, happy, swear-only-when-it-makes-a-kind-joke-funnier home. 

My step-daughter apologized to him saying, "This isn't about you. This is grown-up stuff." 

To which I replied strongly, "This is not grown-up stuff. Not at all. This is the opposite of grown-up stuff."

My step-daughter looked confused (in her defense she grew up in an extremely different environment than the one I insist on calling home, and learned the look of "grown up" from extremely different grown ups) and seemed almost sober for a moment. 

After hearing my comment my son looked no longer confused. He seemed certain of my authority. 

I have a step-daughter who's a handful. And I love her enough to tell her to go home while I strongly insist on exampling what I believe that a home can be.

Sometimes your step-daughter needs to hear no, and sometimes your son needs to hear you tell her no and explain why. 

I insist on a kind, happy, open minded home. And I believe in teaching our children how to insist on it too. 

All of our children. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

You don't have to be treated with kindness to insist on being kind. And sometimes being kind means saying no.

I insist on living in a kind, happy, open minded home. Also, I like trees!