Autism Answer: The luckiest sibling!

I am the oldest of eight kids. My mom adopted four boys on the autism spectrum, as well as a couple of homeless teenage girls. Our home was a textbook example of difference and diversity!! My siblings are different races, abilities and more! 

As the oldest I would like to say I took on the responsibility of right hand helper with a smile and confidence. But, I didn't. I was often condescending, passing the buck, finger pointing, eye rolling and even just plain mean. But I was also often singing with, backing up, patient with, available for and learning from my brothers and sisters.

Eventually, I grew-up and became the mom of different races and abilities and more. Having been gifted with brothers, sisters and a mom who let me learn the importance of quieting my own noisy brain and self-doubts over the years, by the time I was a mom the lessons came pretty easy! Considering I'm something of a slow learner...

So now I have a bunch of siblings for friends. I have children who consistently thank me for being their mom. I have a husband who drops everything to be there for his brother-in-laws (my bros) if they need him. I have a goofy grin chronically plastered to my face and am surrounded by the best in people. I have all of this largely because being the sibling of autism offered this lesson: insist on having it. 

I just wanted to tell you that. Siblings are siblings. We fight, we are annoyed, we want attention. We love, we learn, we have each others back. Actively encourage that connecting (rather than worry the autistic one or the sibling is not getting what they need) and that's what you're going to get!!

And take it from me, that makes all of the siblings, the luckiest sibling!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!!

Autism Answer: Being Balanced

Those of you who have followed me for any length of time (BTW: thank-you!!! You rock!!) know that most of my posts are positive and sun shiny. Rose colored glasses and all that jazz. What you also know is that I have a slight addiction to talking about my many, many, many, many mistakes! I've written articles and posts and comments--heck, even the ABOUT description on my Facebook page!-- filled with how long it's taken me to learn to truly believe in my brothers, how often I've made choices based on what I thought would make others happy, and confessions of a similar nature. Terribly hard to think about topics have been addressed by me: sexual abuse, discrimination and bullying. Always with a desire to find answers, never with a need to complain.

Balance is important, but not always simply attained! As parents we want to help our children without enabling. We want to encourage comfortable conversation without falling into the "friend zone". On my page and in my blog I hope I'm not talking too much about my faults and challenges. I want to always highlight the happy and positive while insisting also that I don't ignore life's very real dangers and prejudices.

I think though (if the feedback you guys have kindly given me has been honest!!) that here on Autism Answers we've found a beautiful balance. And I think the secret is actually kind of simple!

Here we are honest, and not looking for people to feel sorry for us or commiserate. Here, we are willing to reveal some of autism's very real hardships while knowing we want to find humane and comfortable solutions.

When folks talk about Autism Awareness, that's one thing I'm hoping we can share with the world. Not an 'it's so sad and hard' view of autism, and not an 'autism is only beautiful and genius and never tells lies!' view of autism. But rather a balanced reminder that autism is a challenge that many of the people in our world are struggling with, and we should find a way to accept and help. 

Accept and help. Our friends, our sisters, our children and ourselves!!

Thank-you with all of my heart friends, for being balanced with me, and accepting me in all my silly and sad manifestations!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!

Autism Answer: What Supportive means to me

The other day my oldest son was being cheeky and both my mom and I kind of laid into him a little. Not much, but my youngest son could barely stand it! The shift in energy that happens when one of his brothers is being lectured or challenged is physically painful to him. So, he asked me to please join him in the other room, where he proceeded to lecture me.

"Mom," my thirteen year old said with authority, making intentional eye contact,"Do you want to lose your children? Do you want us to feel like you don't support us and so lose our friendship? I don't think so. But you will if you don't support us when Dramma or some other grown-up is getting mad at us."

"Of course I never want to lose you guys!" I said with ease. "However, I was supporting your brother just now."

"No you weren't." he explained with patience, attempting to comb his fingers through a tangled mess of Afro that sits unkempt on his head. "Dramma was telling him what he did wrong, and instead of supporting him, you agreed with her and explained even more stuff. I know you love us, mom, but you have to always support us too."

"Sweetie, I always and forever will support you and all of your brothers. I always and forever will support everyone. But that doesn't mean agreeing with you guys and letting you do anything you want or say anything you want. Supporting you means doing what I can to help you, even when it's hard for me. It's easier to just say 'oh, sure, whatever...' to you and your brothers than it is to disagree and find kind ways to show you and explain to you all the things I want for you and the expectations I have in our home and around our family. But because I support you and your brothers, and because I believe in you, I always take the time to explain and disagree. Sometimes I support you by saying no."

My youngest son gave a little sigh and took my face in his hands. He looked into my eyes and said with conviction,"You need to tell my brother that." Then my youngest son turned his back to me and turned on a video game.

I did as I was told. Of course, I waited a few minutes so that my oldest son would be more receptive to the chat (and so I could make it look like my idea and not his little brother's! tee hee!)

My oldest boy and I had a fabulous chat about what it means to be supportive. He and I don't agree completely, but at least I know that he understands my view and will more likely feel my support when I give it my way, and not his.

These are the sorts of things my mom (international parenting and autism expert Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD) means when she teaches parents and professionals to "explain, explain, explain."

We are parents and teachers. It is our job to invent rules and expectations and raise the bar. But it is unfair of us if we forget to explain. 

Besides, so much parenting fun happens when we take the time to tell our kids why we think what we think, and take the time to find out why they think what they think!

Taking the time to teach with kindness and explanation, being willing to change our minds and learn from each other while holding a willingness to say no; that's what supportive means to me.
 
Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Letting Go: The Hardest Important Thing you must do as a Parent

The other day I watched my fifteen year old son hop into the backseat of a little white car and take off to the mall (which is slightly over an hour away) with his misfit friends, the oldest and slightly most responsible of them behind the wheel.

I hated it. I hated it, I hated it, I hated it!!

You would think that by now, by teenaged son number three (with one more to go) I’d be used to—or at least have found some tricks to help me deal with!—this letting them grow-up and go learn who they are with freedom thing. But here’s the problem with that assumption, each one of my sons is a very different person, choosing different types of friends and activities, with different habits and self-identifying labels they need to explore. Each time one of my boys takes off I have entirely new worries and wonderings.  Along with, of course, all the traditional stand-bys.

Here’s another problem with that assumption. Each one of my sons is a person I love so much, and my heart can’t stand that I know the very real dangers of the world. No matter how many children you guide toward adulthood, you don’t get used to that.  

Each one of our children is a person who absolutely must find themselves in potentially dangerous, possibly heart-breaking, powerfully character building situations in order to become well rounded, confident and free individuals. From the moment our children are born we have the job of letting them learn to leave us, and in truth when they are very little it is kind of a fun job! While they learn to walk we let them fall down and promise them that they can get back up all by themselves. When they want to tie their shoes we show them how and then step-back and promise them that they can do it on their own! It’s fantastic and cute and when they finally do figure it out. The beaming with pride lights up our heart and fuels it for the next lesson!

For those of us who have children with special needs, the specifics might be different but the job is the same. Leading them to learn not to need us. The timelines and specific skills might look different, but the goal is the same. Show them that they can do it. Believe in them and trust them and give them the tools, then let go.

When I watched my fifteen year old take off with his misfit friends yesterday, I knew that it was the right thing, but I also knew that it was scary and dangerous. My son has challenges with social skills. He is, what he calls, a little bit autistic. And though I totally know better, I have been holding onto him a little too tight because of my own fears. Especially since one thing that has been consistent with him is his choosing of misfit friends. Why, in that car yesterday was a girl who recently ran away with an older man she met on the internet, a boy who tried to shoot himself only to accidentally shoot his dad in the knee, and a sixteen year old girl struggling with cancer and living life on the edge, because she might die. So, I have been offering excuses to avoid letting him party with his peers, or I invite them to hang out at our place so they know I’ve got my eye on them.

I’ve also been actively ignoring the part of me that sees clearly how my son fits comfortably into these misfit groups. He likes them and they genuinely like him. He makes them laugh, and they tell him he should stop worrying about his weight, that his body looks good and matches him. He feels comfortable being his quirky self with them and they listen while he brags about his family, agreeing and adding compliments. They are “troubled teens” who are kind to my son and his family.

I’ve been hypocritically begging for autism acceptance on my Facebook page, while refusing to offer adolescent acceptance with his peers.

But lately I’ve stopped ignoring and I’ve let myself see:  not only has keeping him home had him feeling left out of peer groups, he has also been talking with his little brother and his little brother’s friends in ways-- and about things-- that are perfectly age appropriate for him, but not for his brother and his friends. Well…duh!

How is my fifteen year old supposed to practice social skills (which, as I readily admit, he needs to practice!) if I don’t allow him the freedom to do so? At school or in organized social activities our children are offered manufactured opportunities, but without allowing them true freedom away from the watchful eyes of their grown-ups and mentors they can’t practice and discover and really know who they can be, while knowing confidently that the choices and mistakes they made were entirely their own.

Who has ever learned about life without living? And who can discover their own power and personality if they are never offered the freedom to do so? I’ll offer in my defense the very true conundrum of many autism parents and individuals. A person on the autism spectrum experiences the environment differently, and often understands communications differently than the majority of the people around them, and so it’s hard to anticipate what to expect when adding a little autism to the peer group, making it harder to prepare our kids. But, so? If our children are autistic, indeed if we ourselves are autistic, we still need freedom to learn who we are and how to handle the world. Different challenges and abilities will mean different specifics, but always we have to let our children take the next step in the direction of their goals. And always it will be scary. If it isn’t scary, we aren’t really doing it.

Also, finding a balance is intimidatingly important and forever unclear. We can’t let go too much, close our eyes and just hope. We mustn’t forget to give tools and example responsibility. We can’t just assume that if their friends’ parents are letting the kids do something, it’s probably fine. Our kids are not their friends. We must watch and trust and give freedom and communicate….

It’s our job as parents to step-up and handle that gut wrenching, heart-palpitating fear that accompanies letting go. Whether it’s waiting in the car while they go alone into a public restroom, giving them permission to walk to school alone, or letting them take off with their misfit friends to the mall; it’s our job as parents to let go.

Even if we hate it.

When my son got home last night he told me that his friends had smoked cigarettes in the car, driven too fast and the girls wore so much perfume he could taste it. “I hope I don’t get cancer from all the smoke I was forced to breathe,” he worried, “next time I’m going to tell them I’ll only go if they don’t smoke.”

And this morning he said, “Hey mom, I learned a good way for me to feel confidence. I make myself do something, then I let myself slow down when my confidence is getting low, but I don’t let myself stop. Then I feel so proud of myself for doing the thing that my confidence gets stronger.”

So I’m learning from him. I’ll make myself let these fantastic boys of mine learn to not need me, and when my confidence wanes I’ll slow down but won’t let myself stop. My boys have given me so very many reasons to let my confidence grow stronger!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Enjoy this video of my son. Dancing like himself! 

Autism Answer: Reality Check!

So, my son has a friend sleeping over, and my youngest brother (he's 28 and even younger at heart!) is here hanging out. As is my habit, I have given the house over to horseplay. Hide-and-go-seek tag, caffeinated soda's and boys of all ages is a great way to be sure no corner of the home will be safe from fun filled chaos! 

I was tempted to tell my brother--who is no longer diagnosable as autistic but still struggling with some social issues--that his play wasn't exactly the social 'norm' since he was playing with 12 and 14 year olds, but he was having so much fun I kept my mouth shut.

Smirking and rolling my eyes, I offered a few "you guys are so weird!" type hollers and giggles. Unable to read or write or actively think, I decided to participate in the joy, but in a more age appropriate--and normal!--manner. So I headed over to the corner of our living room where the book shelves and stereo live.

Choosing songs I've been craving the last couple of days (a little Alanis Morissette, Meatloaf and The Pogues... odd cravings I guess... perhaps I'm pregnant? tee hee!) I turned up the volume and sang my heart out! While the boys made odd sounds and ran around like a bunch of hooligans, I--ever the 'normal' one--sang as though I had taken requests from Martians and needed to be heard on their planet. Standing practically in the corner, imagining I was invisible, I wrung my hands and knocked on my head, my feet twisting and bouncing as though I really had to pee. You see, this is what my body does when I'm really into singing along. Okay, maybe not all the other moms do that. I suppose to anyone looking in my window we would have looked like a nut house indeed!!

But what fun!! What a fantastical Friday night in the Shelton house!

Now, our energy spent, the boys are watching a movie, my brother is looking at photo albums, and I decided to sneak away to share this moment with you!

Normal??!! Grown-up!!?? Age appropriate??!! No thanks!!

Gotta love those terrifically timed reality checks!! tee hee!
I'm off to chat with my brother and look at old photos.

Have a wonderful night friends!!!!!

Autism Answer: Independence and Freedom

Last night we decided to sit on my mom's roof while the night sky celebrated independence and freedom with color. Being slightly afraid of heights I chose to stay inside with my brother, Dar. He was feeling finished with social fun and so we watched our family watch the festivities. We all had the best seat in the house!

To our pleasant surprise the neighbors across the street decided to light some smaller (and noisy!) fireworks right on the street in-front of us. Cool! We didn't have to spend money or go anywhere to make the evening fascinating and exciting! I love that! Admittedly, I wondered what they would think of the fact that we were allowing the children to hang out singing and giggling on our roof. But, hey. If I can suggest letting go of judgments on my Facebook page and here in my blog, it's nice to also practice it in real life, right?

The universe must have heard my thoughts and decided to raise the stakes. Watching the kids and adults on the street I couldn't help but notice that the grown-ups were playing dangerously with the fireworks, and I was wishing they wouldn't. Their kids (and ours!) were watching and learning how to not be safe. So, as our kids sat on the roof thinking about the unsafe habits of our neighbors, I imagine our neighbors were thinking similar thoughts about our late night roof play.

The highlight of the evening was fun, singing, celebrating and togetherness. That other stuff was only a small dynamic. But an important one.

Independence and freedom are necessary. With them we can discover ourselves, share difference and make personal choices. And, like I say in my 'The Other Side of the Coin' post, they invite habits from others that we might not like or want. That's okay! That's actually wonderful! Use those moments to learn and share all about the beauty and challenges of freedom with your loved ones!

You don't have to sit out on your roof, or play with fire, to enjoy life and celebrate independence. But go ahead and talk about it freely with your loved ones.

I hope you had a wonderful July 4th friends!!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!

Autism Answer: There is a Woman with a Suitcase

There is a woman who travels the world with a suitcase that holds neurofeedback computers. The computers are packed carefully in what little comfortable clothes she’s bringing, dressed for the intentional play and family dynamics teaching that she will offer in the home she’s invited to help shift. This woman has been called a brainiac, a whisperer, a leader who follows the needs of people everywhere, and more.

This woman is Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD. As a mental health therapist who makes house calls, she works in a very different way than most. Families hire her to join them in their home and—while giving every family member neurofeedback, not just the ‘challenged’ adult or child—she finds out exactly what their goals are and why, and then she shows them exactly how to get what they want. Within three days there is a positive shift, new understandings and actionable tools for change, every single time. It’s amazing!

Because one family at a time just seemed exhausting and unfair, Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD came up with a beautiful and brilliant answer. A reality series that invites cameras (and hence, audiences: families!) into homes around the globe, allowing Lynette to offer her therapy free to families willing to be on camera, and her teachings free to the audience in a concrete see-how-it’s-done kind of way.

Of course, every family she visits is drastically different in style, culture and beliefs. This leads them to wonder if the lessons can be useful for them and their own unique personalities and challenges. Lynette solved that concern by deciding to choose five different families in five different countries with five different brain disorders--along with their autism. Each video taped family gets five free days with Lynette Louise, their own neurofeedback computers and counseling for life!

FIX IT IN FIVE with LYNETTE LOUISE aka THE BRAIN BROAD was born! The first two families have already been filmed and helped beyond anything they felt they had the right to imagine. Episodes one and two (a single mom and her autistic seizure disordered daughter in Kampala, Uganda) are available for viewing on The Autism Channel. Audiences of parents, professionals and individuals with mental health issues are waiting anxiously for more, while Lynette works tirelessly to come up with the funding to edit the next few episodes.

Folks rallied and helped to finance the filming and editing of the now available shows via a crowd funding campaign on IndieGoGo. So Lynette has decided to create and share another summer campaign and celebration!

She is celebrating because the show is happening and already creating change and comfort for many. Campaigning because she wants to keep on sharing and teaching and showing! Please take a moment to contribute and become part of the growing FIX IT IN FIVE family! Share with your friends and on your social networks! The camera man/editor for the show is ready to get back to work on episode three, and the program coordinators at The Autism Channel are ready to get back to promoting and showing the show.

This link will take you to the IndieGoGo campaign where you can see videos, learn more about the show and contribute. Head over there now! http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/fix-it-in-five-with-the-brain-broad-get-it-edited/x/854319

To learn more about Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD (I promise you’ll be fascinated!) check out her personal and performance website: www.lynettelouise.com  To learn more about neurofeedback, autism, mental health etc. visit the Brain and Body website: www.brainbody.net

To get updates daily from Lynette you can LIKE her Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Lynette-Louise-aka-The-Brain-Broad/213688748656342

The page for her book MIRACLES ARE MADE: A Real Life Guide to Autism: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Miracles-Are-Made-a-real-life-guide-to-Autism/195612530483540

Follow her on Twitter:  https://twitter.com/lynettelouise

Or just Google her!

There is always something inspiring and surprising being shared by Lynette!

I should know. Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD is also my mother!! 

Hugs, smiles and love!!