Autism Answer: Our Example Is More Than What We Do While Our Children Watch

 

One of my granddaughters sweeping

 

 

Our kids do learn from our example. I know they do. But.... 

 

Working hard while they watch doesn't mean they're learning to work hard. Reading great literature while they climb all over us on the couch doesn't mean they're learning the value of great reading. Maintaining a comfortably clean environment in their presence doesn't mean they are learning to do the same. 

 

Our example is more than what we do while our children watch.

 

It is also how we include them in what we're doing, it is how we explain our reasons for doing what we do, it is the ways in which we guide them to try, to join us, to tell us their reasons. 

 

It is our own attempts at meeting them half way that help them more honestly notice us and our example.

 

Regardless of our children's abilities, styles, basic personalities, they are learning from our example. But that does not mean we can simply do things we think are good while they watch. Because what they are seeing when they watch is not actually the thing we are doing. 

 

What our children see is themselves. Particularly our children with sensory issues and social challenges. They are contending first with themselves, and what they see of our example grows out from there. 

 

If I keep a clean house but don't show them why or how, my children will not likely learn to keep a clean house but, instead, will likely learn (from my example) that they should expect a house to be kept clean for them. (Don't worry, I did not do that. A clean house? Ha!!) 

 

So, yes. It's nice to know that if we work at always being a good example for our children they will learn from it. But it's important to know that what they will learn is always up to them, and that the only guaranteed bonus of setting a good example is that we ourselves will be someone we believe is a good example, and we will be able to remember having done that for ourselves and our children. 

 

Our children do learn from our example.

 

Even if what they learn is to throw my books away because when I am reading great literature on the couch I am not doing a good job of paying attention to them.

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

 

 ADDENDUM -

An example of what learning from example can look like from my own childhood: 

 

My mom raised a lot of kids. I am the oldest of eight and not only did mom raise all eight of us on her own, she often allowed for others to live with us while she helped them raise up as well. People with disabilities, people who were severing themselves from abuse, people who were simply unhoused, mom was always open to finding ways they could help each other. In this environment, mom expected us to all pitch in. Us kids were often delegated to the work of keeping the house going; cleaning, lunch making, putting brothers to bed. In the meantime, what I saw was my mom doing the important work. The work of helping people with challenges, writing articles or shows meant to change the world, finding work that was inclusive and would pay enough to feed, house, and clothe our family. Mom also did most of the housework, but I didn't actually notice that. I wasn't watching that. I was growing an opinion that housework can be done by anyone but the important work, the stuff that matters, is done by someone special. Someone who sees what others don't see. My opinion was bolstered by the fact that I did not see what my mom saw, until I listened to her explain and teach it, and then - yes - I would see her insights exampled in the results. 

I know she was not exampling "people who spend time cleaning the house are not special people with wisdom and important ideas" but as time went on I began to develop that belief from her example. I grew to feel less than when I would clean, I started to think mess was a sign of brilliance, but I also did not have the courage or even the ideas for the other work my mom did. For a lot of years, I just sort of stayed in mess and played with my kids and worried I was not wise or important. Luckily, I also learned from mom's example that being a mom who is all in, a mom who is entirely into the role and willing to do the work of becoming better along the way, is important and wise. So, ultimately, I grew beautifully. In part because of mom's example and in part because of how I saw myself while learning from it.

Autism Answer: Not Too Shy To Tell You

 

My mom w/one of her grandchildren

 

I was terrifically shy as a little girl. 

 

I was considered quiet and polite by adults, for the most part. Being shy often means being quiet and polite. Being polite does require an amount of social effort, challenging for a shy person, but it is less effort than dealing with the attention of not having been polite. 

 

As with many things I didn't like about myself as a girl, I would often blame my mom. My hairy arms? Her fault, clearly. I mean, who has a baby with a hairy man when they obviously know that will put the child at risk of one day being a girl with hairy arms being told to wear a t-shirt in P.E.? I mean, c'mon. It's just selfish really. Darn moms. Am I right? 

 

Anyway, one day I made the mistake of politely mentioning to my mom that my debilitating shyness was, no offense, her fault. (We were in the car and she was asking me to go into the store to purchase something and I was too scared and shy and whining at her that it was her fault and she was a terrible mom.)

 

Mom patiently encouraged me to go, pushed me with just enough force to let me notice that it was ME being a big baby and that she was not cruel and was only encouraging my growth. I got madder at her for that. 

 

"If I ever have a kid as shy as me," I snapped at her, "I will put them in situations where they have to talk to people so they get practice and won't be shy! I'll do it from the start! I'll make them ask for directions and order food and talk to everyone so much they won't ever have a chance to be this shy!!" 

 

I don't remember, to be honest, if I walked into the store that day. But I do remember mom pointing out that she was doing exactly that by asking me to go into the store. She was creating the situation for me to practice not being shy. I remember the horrible feeling in my stomach when I realized what I'd done and what I'd basically asked her to keep doing. 

 

That was so many years ago. Since then I have performed on stages, been on camera, ordered pizza, talked to immigration officers, been interviewed about my ideas on the phone and on video, asked for directions from strangers over and over. So much of that has been at the request of my mom. Sometimes the request is a fairly forceful request; a request bordering on a demand. Sometimes it is simply a request that requires my willingness to be lost and ask for directions. (MOM: can you drop my headshots off at my agent's house? It is a brown house on such and such road between so and so and so and so street in Toronto. By a KFC. I think there is a window? ME: Lots of houses have windows. MOM: Yes, but this one, I think, has a really big window. ME: Okay.)

 

I am still foundationaly shy. I am still deeply happy alone, I'm desirous of being anonymous, I naturally avoid company more than seek it. And no matter how many times my mom puts me in the position of doing so, I still cannot make cold calls.

 

But I am not devastatingly shy; debilitatingly shy. And I tell you what, I definitely was. 

 

My mom needed my help. She had eight of us kids, she was a single mom, my siblings and I were all challenging and challenged in a variety of uncommon ways, I am the oldest. She needed my help. Had she not pushed me to be less shy, I would have been less help. 

 

And of all the things I am today it is being helpful, being an assistant, being a right hand man, that I find consistent joy in. It is how I make my money and a place I find purpose. 

 

I am grateful to my mom for pushing me.

That doesn't mean I enjoy it.

But I truly am grateful. 

 

And I'm not too shy to tell her I blame her.

(Though maybe with less whining this time?)

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: In My Opinion, We Don't Always Need an Opinion

 

Looking up through the leaves

The rustling of leaves in the trees, a breeze caressing my skin in unpredictable intervals, birdsongs dancing through the sky-waves, smells of flowers and soil intermingling and reminding me to breath deep, this is a sensation I love.

 

This is a place I go where I don't judge myself, where I don't feel judged, where I am not surrounded by opinions and I feel no need to form one of my own.

 

Alone:

I disappear when I am inside nature. I feel myself melt away and be consumed, become an element or an ingredient, a component of something so spectacular I cannot feel anything but wonderful. I am not ugly and fat, in nature. I am not stupid or a burden, in nature. I am not in debt or unable, in nature. My ideas are not bad for society, or brilliant and necessary, in nature. Simply, I am not and nature is.

 

With Children:

When I was raising my children I found nature similarly wonderful, but I did not disappear. I had a role, I was mom. But in nature, unlike how I felt in town among other moms and children, I could see my children more clearly. Without the mess of feelings and worries and expectations I felt when in a more social setting; nature cleared the air for me. I could see them, see their behaviours, notice their uniqueness without fear of how it was being received or judged. I could simply see. And in that place I was more comfortable guiding them while I learned. I could see them clearly and so I could better see where they were in need of learning. There is freedom in the wild, but that does not mean allowing only wildness. Many mothers in nature teach their children ways to behave. But without the need to conform them in order to fit in and, rather, with a need to give them skills to help them thrive.

 

Alone:

In nature I become more. Yes, I disappear. But I disappear into everything. My sounds and smells, the feature of me, is equal to the sensations around me.

 

With Children:

Their sounds and smells, the feature of them, is equal to the sensations around them. They are not being asked to conform or play by the rules. In nature the rules are be what you are until you no longer are. If what you are works well, you might last longer and pass on your genes. If not, okay.

 

I want to exist comfortably in society. More than that, I want the children I love to find ways to exist comfortably in society. But not without caring about our nature.

 

It is a worthy pursuit, finding ways to fit in. Practising politeness in your culture and gaining the skills to participate in the games people play.

 

But one of those games, I've noticed, is having strong opinions about everything going on in the world.

 

Having an opinion about everything and everyone, ourselves and the people in the world - online, particularly - becomes exhausting. It becomes unhealthy and unkind.

 

In nature, things are sometimes trending, but there is no need to form an opinion. It simply is what there is more of at the moment. That's how nature works (when we allow it to work). (We are encouraged to make certain judgments, of course, since many things in nature will hurt or kill you.) (Also, growing an opinion is fantastic, fine, and fun when encouraged to blossom naturally, without a need to make it sound smart, or match a movement, or instigate a reaction.)

 

Spending time alone in nature helps me practice loving the world without needing to have an opinion.

 

Spending time with children in nature helps me practice having an opinion while loving people in the world.

 

In my opinion, I like my opinion.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: The Core of the Problem

 

pocket watch

When working with a piece of machinery we can fairly easily believe that the machine will last longer and work better if we care for the various parts. If we fix and maintain things at the core of the machine, rather than jury-rig or jerry-build or find funny ways to make things work (hold one side this way while shifting the other side that way and then press this thing this way, it's not broken it has personality!) they will last longer. If we take care of a machine by noticing things before they become bigger problems and then properly replace or maintain the working parts, the technology will likely be healthier because of it.

 

That's not to dismiss the tricks we use to make things last. That's not even to say that it is always better to maintain a machine at it's core. But we must admit, usually it is. 

 

People are not machines, but it is true that we are also generally healthier and happier when we maintain ourselves at the core. 

 

When we investigate why our knees are hurting rather than only avoid stairs; when we explore the reasons behind our behaviors, the beliefs behind our feelings, rather than only wish we did or didn't have those behaviors or feelings; when we play an active role in creating a life we like rather than only feel hard done by when we don't like the lives we have; when we do the investigating and exploring and make potentially healthy adjustments - to our diets, behaviors, environments, beliefs, etc - we last longer and work better. 

 

Going with the flow is beautiful, but we must know ourselves well enough to choose which flow, rather than have one (or many) whisk us away; a flow that might threaten to drown us in a life that stifles our ability to be who we like being, or to even discover who that is. 

 

That's not to dismiss the little tricks we use to make ourselves happy as we are flowing. That's not even to say that it is always a good idea to follow a feeling or behavior to the core. But we must admit, usually it is. 

 

I think we can make ourselves crazy by examining every little detail of ourselves or others as though it is the most urgent matter. But we can also find ourselves drowning in mismanaged health and lack of joy when we do not examine enough about ourselves. 

 

If we are particularly different, if our personal machinery behaves in ways that are unusual or extremely challenging, we will find it harder to maintain ourselves, I'm sure. But like an unusual or uncommon piece of machinery, something unique and not mass produced, we are still capable of finding our core and keeping ourselves going. We will have less people who will understand or make space for us, less places to find the parts and information we need, but it is there. 

 

People are not machines (though some of us have machines as part of ourselves) but people created them. And we created them for us, and sort of in our own image. We build things and explain: This works to move that which shifts this which sends a signal to that which interprets the signal based on this while over here the valves (if properly lubricated) will pump this and ignite that. 

 

That's how we work. One thing leading into the other thing feeding this other thing and a gazillion things working for and against each other in order for us to be, well, us. <--- Yes, I paid attention in biology and know smart science things.

I do understand the people who scoff at others for caring a lot about nutrition, exercise, mindfulness, and more. I do understand. In truth, I treat my machines poorly, choosing not to take care of what's going wrong but instead jury-rig or bandaid. (Though I try not to scoff at the folks who do take good and proper care of their machines.)

 

But finding a good balance between taking good care of ourselves and each other, while relaxing and not allowing the work of taking care become a problem itself, is something we ought to applaud. After all, we are responsible for ourselves, and if we applaud that in each other we will be better. Better at being healthy and better at applauding each other. 

 

Don't be afraid to ask why you feel broken or unable to function properly. Don't be afraid to look inside yourself and seek the core of the problem. 

 

Always know there is something you can do and you are not unworthy of the work.

 

You are not a machine, but it's okay to think of yourself in that way if it helps. Something that can be maintained, upgraded, made to work well within the parameters of the machine it is. 

 

Take care of yourself. Not in a "hold one side this way while shifting the other side that way and then press this thing this way, it's not broken it has personality!" sort of way, but in a getting to the core of the problem way. (Important Note: when we take care of ourselves by getting to the core of the problem we continue to have personality!)

 

Be patient, it can take time. And admittedly you might not find the core of the problem, but if you don't try you are at risk of adding cumbersome piles of misleading blame over it. You are at risk of wasting time pointing out problems of others because it is easier to see what appears broken than to sift through the mechanics and minute details of every little piece that makes you tick. 

 

But, man! It is rewarding work! 

 

When you find the core of a problem and make a change, everything comes into focus and finds itself working well! It's fantastic and invigorating! (Until the shift moves everything into a new place that creates new areas of problems to find the core of.... but, don't let that stop you! The more you explore your own health and happiness machinery, the easier it gets to recognize what's up.)

 

People are not machines.

But it can be useful to pretend.

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Hold Him This Way

 

Declyn and me

"Hold him this way," my mom suggested, holding my youngest son up in her arms, away from her body, while encouraging eye contact with her loving smiling eyes. 

 

He was little, in my memory not quite a year old, but we were noticing sensory stuff and lack of eye contact. We weren't worrying about it but we were noticing. And we were following his cues while hoping to help him feel our love. 

 

As Declyn grew, this sort of noticing and following and leading continued. 

 

He had a debilitating case of hyper empathy, any amount of uncomfortable energy could hurt him to the point of a meltdown. Meltdowns he chose to have alone, crying and talking to himself (or the people embroidered on his pillow) until he was alright. He got good at helping people sort out their feelings, which was a form of self-preservation. He had sensory issues that affected him in several ways: he vomited often, he was overstimulated often, he wanted to wrap his fingers in my wet hair often. 

 

In each case when I would notice, I would follow his lead and then attempt to help him make sense of what was going on for him and then lead him towards comfort - with himself and the world around him. 

 

Parenting Declyn was wonderful. We were close. We understood each other. We had deep conversations and shared our inner selves. 

 

At least, that's what I thought. 

Declyn

Turns out, I was quite mistaken! 

 

Oh, we have always been close, but he (along with all of his brothers) hid so much from me. I knew them, but also I did not. 

 

But I am not wrong in remembering much of our closeness. Of how much Declyn impresses me and finds ways to connect and have fun with me. 

 

So this morning, in celebration of Declyn on his birthday, I roller skated and rocked out to the entire soundtrack for The Greatest Showman. Because that is a memory of our closeness.

 

Declyn and I love to sing our hearts out, loud and proud, proper pitch and right words be darned! When we are in a car together we are unstoppable! From blocks away you will hear us coming (and though you are not likely to say "what lovely singing voices" you hopefully will think "what passion and joy"). 

 

When Declyn's brother bought him The Greatest Showman soundtrack, after having taken us to see the movie in theaters, it was an all out oh man we love these feelings rock out fest. For months! We were almost addicted! 

 

I didn't think about it then, but today, as I rock and rolled, I recognized why so much of the music would hit hard for my youngest son. The lyrics, the dreams, the "this is me" declaration, these and more are deeply Declyn. 

 

So today, I'm holding him this way. 

 

Holding him up, remembering and reliving and feeling, while hoping he will feel my love. A love I am pushing out into the world with intense rocking out energy. Perhaps his hyper empathy will help him feel it: as far as Montreal, Quebec is from Fallbrook, California, I wouldn't put it past him. He feels things. 

 

And when I hold him this way, I feel them too. 

 

Happy twenty-third birthday to my darling Declyn!

I love you!!

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

If you want to rock out with me and Declyn, here's one of our favourites: 

 

 

Autism Answer: The Rash (or: Sensory Issues and Behaviors)

 

My brother at bowling, his face is red from a reaction to a snack

 

Randomly, and with no reason I can confidently get behind, I have patches of an incredibly itchy rash calling attention to themselves in a variety of places on my body. 

 

Aside from the part where I am (not very actively) attempting to identify the reason behind the rash, there is something else I am doing. 

 

Paying attention. Noticing how I feel and how it is affecting me. 

 

I love these opportunities. When my body hurts or itches; when my face calls attention to itself with blemishes, bruises, or welts; when I hurt or itch and it is calling attention to itself with blemishes, bruises, or welts - I like to notice how it influences my behavior and the behavior of folks around me. 

 

This rash, for example, feels sooooooooooo goooooooooood to scratch! I've had mosquito bites that feel good to scratch but this is something special! However, I am aware that it is generally a bad idea to scratch a rash, so I am trying to avoid thinking about it. I'm picking clothes specifically with the intention of not tickling it into awareness. I'm also choosing clothes meant to keep it from being seen. It isn't pretty, but more than that I don't want people consistently asking me about it or being concerned. 

 

There are more things I notice, but the point is my focus is on noticing. I try to take advantage of these opportunities to remember we are all living inside brains and bodies that behave in different ways, and we are all making choices that grow out of those different brains and bodies. 

 

It is a particularly helpful reminder for when my brother - who is unable to speak clearly - is doing seemingly odd things with his body: prodding the underside of his nose, smacking his thigh, rocking his head. I admit, when I was young and my mom would wonder, "Why is he doing that?" my thought would be, "Um, because he's weird." And, honestly, between you and me, I actually thought that was the answer. 

 

Luckily, my mom isn't so easily side tracked. She really wondered because, as I now understand, there is a reason and it can be helpful to know what that reason is. Following these clues doesn't always lead to knowing how to stop the behavior, how to fix the numbness or itch or pain, but it can. And it can lead to understanding it. And the attitude of knowing there is a reason leads to seeing the behavior differently; usually with less annoyance and more understanding. 

 

I won't fool myself into thinking now that I've had this rash I know what it's like to live in a body that has sensory sensitivities or a noticeable rash, I'm pretty sure mine will be temporary. Hence, I can take advantage of this opportunity from that privileged place. I am grateful to have these opportunities. 

 

I don't prefer pain or itching or attracting attention with bruises or blemishes, I don't wish I could keep them, but I do like attempting to understand how different my choices and beliefs would be if I did always or often have those things. 

 

Funnily: part of the reason I started to love the opportunity to notice and imagine is I prefer it over trying to figure things out or fix them. I am lazy that way. I'd rather have a rash or a pain and notice my behavior, assume the problem with solve itself, rather than focusing on figuring it out or fixing it. I like letting things happen and finding a way to be okay with them. That's easier for me. (It is not better, just easier. I have waited to the point of danger before.) This is something that, maybe, grew out of me spending this first half of my life in a brain and body that are fairly plain? Fairly middle of the road? This type of laziness probably grew out of me living in a body that, so far, has almost always figured itself out. 

 

I like that. 

 

I look forward to learning how to like it when my body changes and I do have to figure more things out. Hopefully all this noticing will help me have empathy (not sympathy) for myself.

 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to notice myself sneaking off into another room where no one will witness me scratching this rash and it will feel sooooooooo goooooooood... 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Logging In

 

Glasses on a table: what we see

Logging into someone else's social media account and checking out their ads, newsfeeds, recommended posts/videos can be a healthy exercise. 

 

It happened to me accidentally many years ago, when I was still new to the internet, and it genuinely freaked me out. One of my sons had used my computer to check his Facebook feed and didn't log out. When I later opened the app I was shocked. The world was behaving strangely! It was weird and unfamiliar. For a few moments I literally felt lost and worried. What had I missed? 

 

I quickly figured out what was going on and got over my confusion, but that shock taught me something that stayed with me. 

 

The conversations, the ads, the shared videos and photos, they were a peek into a different world. One that was not created for me, one that was not specifically tailored by an algorithm that pays attention to my likes and dislikes, my comments and where my screen lingers, but was instead tailored to my son; who he was at the time. 

 

Yet, these were all conversations, interests, quotes, and products that are part of the world I live in. Just because they aren't pushed my way doesn't mean they aren't influencing my environment, which influences me. 

 

In the example of my son's feed, it was mostly anime, ads for video games, and people complaining about the world. 

 

But I have seen even more since then. 

 

For example, did you know that lots of people find it clever to make fun of people who think differently than themselves? Call them stupid and stuff? I thought that was only outliers, people struggling with social skills, and/or people with the job of agitating in order to create activity and misinformation. But it is far more common than I thought, which is good for me to understand.

 

Also, did you know make-up is still a thing? Like, a big thing? I thought it mostly died out for mainstream use when I stopped using it at nineteen. But turns out, according to the push from advertisers and influencers on a friend's Instagram feed, it's not only still a big deal but there are a gazillion ways to wear it, equally as many reasons to wear it, and don't worry there are ways to look like you're not wearing it while you wear it so you can simply be naturally pretty because - duh - everyone should want to be pretty but also you should be confident in your natural beauty without makeup or a filter but here is a filter and makeup tutorials and reviews and promo codes because let's be serious you can't compete with those of us wearing it if you don't wear it. <--- I would not have survived as a young girl in this world. 

 

I don't notice this stuff because I don't see this stuff, not really. Oh, there are make-up aisles and ads on the sides of buses, but I don't see them, not really. It's when someone I'm with looks, perks up, click's "like" with their attention that I see it. 

 

And I notice sometimes a person yelling obscenities at other drivers, calling them stupid and stuff, when they don't like something they did, or something they almost did, but I don't really think of it as how a lot of people are. I think of it as uncommon. 

 

It doesn't really effect me to notice for a moment. Because I don't stay in these environments, seeing for a moment doesn't mean much.

 

What does effect me is the affect it is having around me, on the people I spend time with, the people I live in the world with. And, conversely, my own world, the one that is cultivated more for me and my interests, though it may seem alien to others is of consequence to them.

 

We can't truly learn from each other if we are too completely unaware of where other people's ideas are growing out from. If we are entirely clueless to the behaviours, comments, images, beliefs being targeted and consumed by each other, we become unable to truly understand each other. 

 

Having diverse stories around us, people, books, films, news, opinions from places and times we are not from and where we don't stay, this is a meaningful way to grow our understanding of each other. Our similarities and differences. Needs that some might have that others rarely see. etc.

 

But it is also useful to simply, sometimes, visit a drastically different person's echo chamber. Log into their social media for a bit, if they're comfortable with it. Invite them to visit yours. 

 

It can be shocking! Sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes simply boring, but always a little peek at what is "normal" to someone that is not you can remind us that "normal" is a creation. 

 

For example, did you know it is normal for a lot of people to care about cars?! I have a little brother who cares so much about cars, about their shape and how well they're made and how they might change, that I used to think he must be alone in the universe. Guess what. NOPE! Oh, he might be alone in the specific way he gets emotional over the future of cars, but he is not alone in caring. Not by a long shot! In fact, cars is an extremely normal thing to care about, turns out. Interestingly, that particular brother of mine is not generally considered normal.

 

So, visit a new echo chamber.

What reverberations do you notice?

What reflections do you see?

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)