Autism Answer: Hold Him This Way

 

Declyn and me

"Hold him this way," my mom suggested, holding my youngest son up in her arms, away from her body, while encouraging eye contact with her loving smiling eyes. 

 

He was little, in my memory not quite a year old, but we were noticing sensory stuff and lack of eye contact. We weren't worrying about it but we were noticing. And we were following his cues while hoping to help him feel our love. 

 

As Declyn grew, this sort of noticing and following and leading continued. 

 

He had a debilitating case of hyper empathy, any amount of uncomfortable energy could hurt him to the point of a meltdown. Meltdowns he chose to have alone, crying and talking to himself (or the people embroidered on his pillow) until he was alright. He got good at helping people sort out their feelings, which was a form of self-preservation. He had sensory issues that affected him in several ways: he vomited often, he was overstimulated often, he wanted to wrap his fingers in my wet hair often. 

 

In each case when I would notice, I would follow his lead and then attempt to help him make sense of what was going on for him and then lead him towards comfort - with himself and the world around him. 

 

Parenting Declyn was wonderful. We were close. We understood each other. We had deep conversations and shared our inner selves. 

 

At least, that's what I thought. 

Declyn

Turns out, I was quite mistaken! 

 

Oh, we have always been close, but he (along with all of his brothers) hid so much from me. I knew them, but also I did not. 

 

But I am not wrong in remembering much of our closeness. Of how much Declyn impresses me and finds ways to connect and have fun with me. 

 

So this morning, in celebration of Declyn on his birthday, I roller skated and rocked out to the entire soundtrack for The Greatest Showman. Because that is a memory of our closeness.

 

Declyn and I love to sing our hearts out, loud and proud, proper pitch and right words be darned! When we are in a car together we are unstoppable! From blocks away you will hear us coming (and though you are not likely to say "what lovely singing voices" you hopefully will think "what passion and joy"). 

 

When Declyn's brother bought him The Greatest Showman soundtrack, after having taken us to see the movie in theaters, it was an all out oh man we love these feelings rock out fest. For months! We were almost addicted! 

 

I didn't think about it then, but today, as I rock and rolled, I recognized why so much of the music would hit hard for my youngest son. The lyrics, the dreams, the "this is me" declaration, these and more are deeply Declyn. 

 

So today, I'm holding him this way. 

 

Holding him up, remembering and reliving and feeling, while hoping he will feel my love. A love I am pushing out into the world with intense rocking out energy. Perhaps his hyper empathy will help him feel it: as far as Montreal, Quebec is from Fallbrook, California, I wouldn't put it past him. He feels things. 

 

And when I hold him this way, I feel them too. 

 

Happy twenty-third birthday to my darling Declyn!

I love you!!

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

If you want to rock out with me and Declyn, here's one of our favourites: 

 

 

Autism Answer: When the Song Ends

 

My oldest son

"As my body moves inside the song, as the lyrics push my hips in uncontrolled urgency, as my arms reach outward into space then pull that space tighter to my sweating, swerving, swinging body - a body that is mine but not mine; given over to the song, a song with words of pain and crescendos of desperate loneliness and need - I close my eyes tighter, pushing the darkness in all directions and joining it with my energy. I invite the loneliness and pain to pull me apart, I push my arms out, I sing along and swing, sweat, sing. I know this song and it is near the end so I scream the lyrics louder, move myself farther in and out with the melody, ride the wave of emotion to it's very last drop. The song ends. I'm spent. My eyes open and the world is still here, I am still here, the cat is looking at me funny. If my memory serves, there are still dishes in the sink. Also, my knee hurts a little. But I feel fantastic. I've been here in this room, dancing, but also gone, disappeared into the pain and loneliness of the song, experienced it with every bit of body and energy I could muster, and it was intoxicating. What story will the next song bring? What feelings will I fall into and fill up now?"

 

I feel so much when I'm dancing. And though I love all kinds of songs, it's the ones about pain, particularity about self-loathing or self-destruction, that force my feelings around the room with the greatest amount of emotion. I freaking love dancing to those songs. They don't bring me down in any way but, instead, bring me something more. I'm not sure what it is, exactly. Maybe I feel less alone, maybe I feel grateful to not live in that place of self-loathing while still able to recognize it and remember most of us will experience it and that's okay. Maybe I just like pushing on a bruise. I don't know what it is but I do know I feel happy, I feel joy, I feel connected to everything and everyone after a stint of dancing, especially to those songs. 

 

Those songs tell a story that I would argue is not a nice story, not a positive story, not a sweet story. But they are raw and real, they say things that are hard to say in ways that are both personal and universal. It's powerful poetry where I can recognize parts of myself or loved ones and feel not so awful about the awful stuff. Because it is something in a song, I can dance it out, I can sing along to lyrics that depict someone else's version of our similar awful feelings and we're not alone. 

 

I am a true deep absolute believer in being intentional and careful with the stories we tell. (I'm an annoying person to watch, read, or listen to stories with because I have strong opinions on the power of stories and my passion pushes those opinions out in words more often than not.) But I don't believe we should tell only good stories, or only stories that have a happy spin. 

 

I think we do our healthiest storytelling when we care about using our words to add something meaningful or thought provoking or unexpected. When we tell stories, to ourselves or others, in order to explore, consider, reconsider. 

 

And I think we do our healthiest audiencing when we care about how we are affected. When we choose the stories we read, watch, or dance to carefully. When we pay attention to where we pay attention and how it moves us. If songs of hurt and self-loathing only steep you in feelings of hurt and self-loathing, don't choose them. And if they bring you joy don't let the fact that it's strange for them to bring you joy stop you from feeling the joy. It is, however, a good idea to consider why they bring you joy. 

 

Which brings me back to my dancing. I'm not sure why I love those songs, but I think it has something to do with having a place for those feelings. A place I can feel them without continuing to feel them after the song ends. 

 

That's the thing about stories. They bring us somewhere, tell us things, give us new perspectives and ideas, then - they end. 

 

But they also don't end, because they're part of our memory. 

 

And we are left to live with their influence.

 

We are still here, the cat looking at us funny, when the song ends. 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: This Is America - Considered (Guest Post by Declyn Shelton)

My youngest son, Declyn, is a staff writer for his school paper. Recently he wrote an opinion piece on the popular and disturbing and brilliant and artistic music video for This is America by Childish Gambino (Donald Glover). However, one of his colleague's wrote an article about the video, and the significant online discussions regarding the many meanings represented, before he submitted his. (I higly recommend reading her piece, it's fantastic: "This Really Is... America" by Jazmin Morales) So, since the school paper isn't planning to publish Declyn's article, I asked if I could publish it as a guest post. 

Lucky us, he said yes!

So, here it is friends. 
You're welcome. :D  
___________________________________________________

This is America - Considered

by Declyn Shelton

Donald Glover (a.k.a. Childish Gambino) does it again! He has displayed a culturally impactful message with his latest release of the "This is America" music video.  In the video, he depicts the costumed horrors of society from church shootings to the notorious Jim Crow. Through his strange facial expressions and movements, he does an accurate – and chilling - impersonation of the Jim Crow caricature. 

This video is a narration of how the world has all these terrible things that have

happened and are happening that we aren't, and shouldn't be, blind to.  He shows so many injustices that have occurred or are occurring while dancing to keep the audience interested and distracted from the horrors.

This music video should hopefully cause an upsurge in awareness of terrible events that may happen in our future. Not just "we know about that" but an actual awareness of the danger our distractions and inaction, and even our coping strategies, allow. With this video, Glover offers a story of America that is hard to express in words but is powerfully shown.

I asked a close friend of mine, as someone who hadn't listened to Gambino before, what she thought of the video and she said, "I loved the video, I kept watching it over and over! It is the kind of video that you watch repeatedly to find something new each time you see it."

I have no idea what Glover will do next, but I am very impressed by the message he has portrayed with his latest work.
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Watch the music video here: Childish Gambino - This is America 

Autism Answer: Alibi (Video/Song)

I wrote another song. Weird, right? I mean, I'm not a songwriter. But I am a writer so I suppose songs happening isn't that unbelievable. :D

This one was inspired by the #MeToo movement. Quite different from my last song (Sexy Daydreams, My Life Is Awesome) which was inspired by me loving and celebrating every little thing about my life. Yet also quite the same since it was inspired by my life.

Anyway, here is a video of me singing it. 

And here are the lyrics:

Alibi 
written by Tsara Shelton

I was sleeping
when he came in
he was touching
I was frightened

Why do I cry
when it's not my
crime, I am my own
alibi

I was drinking
he was driving
lying, trying 
to keep me quiet

Why do I cry
when it's not my
crime, I am my own
alibi

He was kindly
saying "no, please"
I was pushing
hardly listening

Why do I cry
when it is my
crime, I am my own
alibi

They were growing
I am teaching
wanting, needing
to do this right

Why do I cry
when it is my
crime, I am my own 
alibi

Why do I cry
while I do try
to stop this crime
I'm my alibi

My own
alibi

# # #

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: A Message in a Message!

Not long ago my thirty-two year old newly verbal autistic brother left a message on our answering machine. Declyn, Shay and I gathered around the machine and listened several times, discussing and debating what we each believed my brother was saying.

Not a single one of us ever considered that maybe he wasn't saying anything and was only making sounds because my mom had handed him the phone. 

This, in my once-upon-a-time-I-rolled-my-eyes-when-mom-said-he-was-trying-to-talk opinion, is the most beautiful message in his message!

Regardless of whether he was saying,"Go on plane, home." or "Tell to Shay, love." or any other combination of words we thought we heard on that machine, we all knew that he was telling us something. We all knew that he was struggling with clarity, not with intelligence, motivation or ability. 

My brother left us a most beautiful message on our answering machine last night!!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!

*Authors Note: Today is Dar's birthday, and there is no better way to celebrate my brother's birthday than by sharing this video! Music is one of his favorite things, and he's always wanted to be an actor. Well... this video has music, celebrities and was my brother's acting debut!!! The song is called 'Unfinished' by Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad, and is a gift for autism families.

Please enjoy!!! See if you recognize any of the celebs!