Film Review: Grace - A Short Film That Explores Agency and Disability

 This review was originally written for and published at DisabledWorld.com

 

 

Grace, film capture: actors Fiadhnait Canning (right) and Luca Malocco Mulville (left)

My soulmate and I crawled into our big bed, the back elevated to perfect film watching position, and snuggled toward each other*. Within moments we were swept into Grace - a short film that felt effortlessly beautiful and moving.

The operative word there is "felt".

There is nothing effortless about telling a story well, casting a film perfectly, lighting scenes flawlessly, meaningfully inviting an audience along on an important journey that entertains while expanding empathy.

But by grace and goodness! This short film did all that and more for me.

Grace, written and directed by Anna Rodgers, is the eponymous story of a young woman testing the limits of her autonomy and expanding its edges. Grace has Down Syndrome and stays in an assisted living home, though the opening scene is of Grace sitting at the table in her family home. Her infant niece is placed in a high chair near her and while the two of them quietly spend time in each other's company, Grace's sister and mother are busily planning the sister's wedding in the background. Due to a mastery of acting, editing, and dialogue we quickly understand that Grace has a boyfriend, is thinking of long term life with him, and hoping to raise a family - and that this is a complication for those who love her.

The entire film unfolds with such beautiful brilliance, quietly inviting audiences into these moments. I hardly knew where my space ended and Grace's began.

Grace, played with subtle perfection by actress Fiadhnait Canning, is the sort of hero I crave in my stories. She is clear about what she wants, thoughtful toward people along the way, and courageous enough to insist on a life that is hers without being unreasonably self-centered.

Everyone in this film is beautiful. I sometimes tease media for all the beautiful people, but this is a film that gets it right. Yes, everyone is attractively lit and has an appearance that is lovely to look at, but more than that, it is the beauty of their character we are watching. The crux of the matter for each person in Grace's orbit - her carers, her boyfriend, her mother - is they care about her and feel a sense of obligation because of it. These people are all invested, they all care, but it is inside our caring we most struggle to agree on actions.

While watching this twenty-five minute film I hardly spoke. For me, this is unusual. My poor soulmate almost always has to endure the joy I get in treating all media as an interactive activity, my desire to follow a thought or add my two cents. To say, "this reminds me of the time..." or "that's what I was saying yesterday..." or "can you imagine? What would you do if..."

But while watching Grace's story unfold, I was mesmerized, drawn in.

It was only later all those thoughts came tumbling out.

A "this reminds me of the time..." thought I shared with my love: there was a lesbian couple with Down Syndrome who were regulars at the donut shop I worked at when I was a teen (1990). They were comfortable displaying their love in public, taking turns buying each other coffee, holding hands and giving each other little kisses, and they told me they liked the home they lived in but not the rules. They could not sleep in the same room and were considering getting their own apartment, but were consistently being told they could not.

A "that's like what I was saying yesterday..." moment sparked for me during a scene where residents are taking part in a class where the speaker asks them to practice saying no. Encouraged to role play, they're given a scenario where they are asked out on a date and they do not want to go. Grace and a male resident play the part with fun and flair. The man asks Grace out, she says no, he asks again, she again says no - no anger or apology, and we are reminded it is a skill worth practicing. Saying no. No explanation needed, just a knowledge that it is your right and responsibility.

I loved this scene so much! For people with disabilities this is such a valuable skill to both learn and practice. They are often at the mercy of carers, told they must comply for their own good and safety, and are not often enough given space to practice the skill of knowing when they aren't safer or expected to comply, or how to handle those moments.

Yet, it's true that we all need this space, for learning and practicing. For knowing how to comfortably and confidently say no. For knowing when complying is for our good and/or our safety and for knowing when it is not.

A "can you imagine? What would you do if..." moment for me was toward the end, when Grace is in the place of drastic decision making - I so badly don't want to spoil anything so suffice it to say, she and everyone who cares about her find themselves in a life-altering situation that needs to be addressed, yet all the players have different strongly held opinions, and every opinion is expressed with perceptive insight. What would I do? If I was Grace, if I was Grace's mom, if I was Grace's boyfriend? How would I step up? I don't have one clear answer, though I know which way I lean.

In my opinion this is not only a beautiful film, wonderfully executed, but a necessary one.

On a personal note: My mom raised eight of us kids. My four adopted brothers were on the autism spectrum, and she fought for them to be seen the way I feel the filmmakers see Grace: as someone with capabilities, requiring somewhat personalized teaching, and deserving of autonomy.

When I was growing up, mom was always fighting that fight. It was messy, heartbreaking, but ultimately victorious.

For me, watching this film felt like being given the gift of knowing mom's fight was not hers alone, it was known and understood by others.

But this film also felt lovely. Something that was lacking in the extremeness of my mom's fight for my brothers' rights, the loud clashing, the wild highs and lows, when I was growing up.

No, not lacking, simply harder to see.

On another personal note: I needed this. I needed this bit of Grace.

I suspect many of you do, too.

One last thought:

Grace is all of us. She is born into a preexisting system, as she grows people who love her find additional systems of support meant not for her for but for "people like her", she is encouraged to seek some independence and skills but as her adulthood blossoms, as she blossoms, she must navigate the world by deciding who she is, what she wants, which supports to break free from.

It is a powerful time in all our lives. Particularly, that first time.

One we hope to do with Grace.

*It was not lost on me that while my love and I were laying comfortably in our big bed, we were watching Grace fight for her right to lay in one with her boyfriend.

Autism Answer: Inclusion - My Brother, Dar

*This originally appeared in the May edition of my mom's newsletter, The Loop!*

 

 

My brother, Dar

 

 

The book my mom wrote with and about Teressa (a woman in California diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder) includes so many interesting personalities.

 

Some speak from beyond the grave. Some speak from holy text. Some speak from within the fractures of Teressa herself.

 

One personality remains steadfast and supportive, often at mom's side, and it is that personality I want to draw attention to: my brother, Dar.

 

During the course of writing this book and living on Teressa's property, Dar and mom have worked together. Dar's lack of words has never equaled lack of communication, and in this memoir he speaks clearly. He steps back when people need mom to focus on them, he reaches out when they need a light touch, he is a sounding board for mom as she works to illuminate issues and consider moral conundrums. He is there to hug her when she cries and then to remind her of her strength.

 

The way my mom and Dar work together is a hard core real life example of the power of inclusion.

 

Inclusion is a collaboration.

 

It is not: put your own needs aside, move over and make accommodations.  

It is not: fit in, don't show up if it's going to inconvenience others in order to assist you.

Inclusion is collaborating to accommodate and assist each other in the direction of a common goal: living our full lives.

When you read In Search of Teressa you will feel the power of that collaboration.

 

And you will be rewarded.

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

 

 

My mom and my brother, Dar

 

 

You can see all of my mom's books, including the one I am referring to in this post, on her websites: 

 

www.lynettelouise.com 

www.brainbody.net  

 

Autism Answer: Logging In

 

Glasses on a table: what we see

Logging into someone else's social media account and checking out their ads, newsfeeds, recommended posts/videos can be a healthy exercise. 

 

It happened to me accidentally many years ago, when I was still new to the internet, and it genuinely freaked me out. One of my sons had used my computer to check his Facebook feed and didn't log out. When I later opened the app I was shocked. The world was behaving strangely! It was weird and unfamiliar. For a few moments I literally felt lost and worried. What had I missed? 

 

I quickly figured out what was going on and got over my confusion, but that shock taught me something that stayed with me. 

 

The conversations, the ads, the shared videos and photos, they were a peek into a different world. One that was not created for me, one that was not specifically tailored by an algorithm that pays attention to my likes and dislikes, my comments and where my screen lingers, but was instead tailored to my son; who he was at the time. 

 

Yet, these were all conversations, interests, quotes, and products that are part of the world I live in. Just because they aren't pushed my way doesn't mean they aren't influencing my environment, which influences me. 

 

In the example of my son's feed, it was mostly anime, ads for video games, and people complaining about the world. 

 

But I have seen even more since then. 

 

For example, did you know that lots of people find it clever to make fun of people who think differently than themselves? Call them stupid and stuff? I thought that was only outliers, people struggling with social skills, and/or people with the job of agitating in order to create activity and misinformation. But it is far more common than I thought, which is good for me to understand.

 

Also, did you know make-up is still a thing? Like, a big thing? I thought it mostly died out for mainstream use when I stopped using it at nineteen. But turns out, according to the push from advertisers and influencers on a friend's Instagram feed, it's not only still a big deal but there are a gazillion ways to wear it, equally as many reasons to wear it, and don't worry there are ways to look like you're not wearing it while you wear it so you can simply be naturally pretty because - duh - everyone should want to be pretty but also you should be confident in your natural beauty without makeup or a filter but here is a filter and makeup tutorials and reviews and promo codes because let's be serious you can't compete with those of us wearing it if you don't wear it. <--- I would not have survived as a young girl in this world. 

 

I don't notice this stuff because I don't see this stuff, not really. Oh, there are make-up aisles and ads on the sides of buses, but I don't see them, not really. It's when someone I'm with looks, perks up, click's "like" with their attention that I see it. 

 

And I notice sometimes a person yelling obscenities at other drivers, calling them stupid and stuff, when they don't like something they did, or something they almost did, but I don't really think of it as how a lot of people are. I think of it as uncommon. 

 

It doesn't really effect me to notice for a moment. Because I don't stay in these environments, seeing for a moment doesn't mean much.

 

What does effect me is the affect it is having around me, on the people I spend time with, the people I live in the world with. And, conversely, my own world, the one that is cultivated more for me and my interests, though it may seem alien to others is of consequence to them.

 

We can't truly learn from each other if we are too completely unaware of where other people's ideas are growing out from. If we are entirely clueless to the behaviours, comments, images, beliefs being targeted and consumed by each other, we become unable to truly understand each other. 

 

Having diverse stories around us, people, books, films, news, opinions from places and times we are not from and where we don't stay, this is a meaningful way to grow our understanding of each other. Our similarities and differences. Needs that some might have that others rarely see. etc.

 

But it is also useful to simply, sometimes, visit a drastically different person's echo chamber. Log into their social media for a bit, if they're comfortable with it. Invite them to visit yours. 

 

It can be shocking! Sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes simply boring, but always a little peek at what is "normal" to someone that is not you can remind us that "normal" is a creation. 

 

For example, did you know it is normal for a lot of people to care about cars?! I have a little brother who cares so much about cars, about their shape and how well they're made and how they might change, that I used to think he must be alone in the universe. Guess what. NOPE! Oh, he might be alone in the specific way he gets emotional over the future of cars, but he is not alone in caring. Not by a long shot! In fact, cars is an extremely normal thing to care about, turns out. Interestingly, that particular brother of mine is not generally considered normal.

 

So, visit a new echo chamber.

What reverberations do you notice?

What reflections do you see?

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Representation and Robots

 

Some pretty cool technology! A radio intercom thingy on our wall.

 

I am not much interested in technology or cool new gadgets. When robots can do amazing things, when virtual reality is wildly realistic or whatever, I kinda think, "Oh, neat." If I bother thinking anything at all.

I'm aware that it is fascinating and impressive, but mostly because of the reactions of others. 

 

Largely, my under-reaction is because I am personally not interested. My interests are just different, that's all. 

 

But I also think I'm unmoved in part because I've already seen technology that does unbelievable things, and robots that impress with their ability to seem human while having the strength and capabilities of doing superhuman things, in movies and on TV.

 

I'm less impressed because of the representation robots and other tech has in the movies. I've seen it a lot therefore I assume it's not that impressive or new. 

 

I am not in the tech world, hence I am easily confused by what is actually cool to see in the real world.

 

For folks who do not have many friends or family members with disabilities, this might be something to keep in mind. 

 

If they are easily impressed by a disabled person doing mundane things, perhaps it is because they are not exposed to disabled people doing many things.

 

Additionally, when they are under the impression that having a disability means life is a constant struggle, a hard fight against the world and the distress of a broken brain or body, a sad state that can hardly be helped, perhaps it is because they are not exposed to complete and complicated stories of people with disabilities.

 

When I move about in the world I don't expect to see robots or wicked cool technology all over the place, but I admit to being unimpressed and hardly surprised when I do. I get that it is cool, it just doesn't spark any "isn't that cool?" thoughts in me. 

 

(I am kind of boring. I like trees. Trees are cool.)

 

When we move about in the world we are in the company of people with disabilities, that's just a fact. Sometimes more people, sometimes less. Sometimes visibly disabled, sometimes not. There's nothing wrong with noticing if something is cool (people are often doing cool things, sometimes those things include robots!) but I think it's unfortunate that though we are exposed to diversity in reality, we are less exposed in our stories. It is our stories that help us get to know each other. They fill in blanks, expose us to possibilities, give us many more directions in which to imagine and care. 

 

Robots are cool. 

 

People doing things despite physical, emotional, societal, financial challenges is cool. 

 

With exposure in our stories, done well and with honest complexity, we are able to include all of these cool things in our expectations. 

 

We'll expect and invite more people to be themselves in our public spaces.

 

That, I think, is the ultimate in cool. 

 

(Though I confess, my opinion on what is cool isn't highly sought after. Giggle!)

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

Autism Answers: A Lack of Ideas

Shoes and headphones on the road, looking for new ideas

 

I don’t have new ideas. I tend to do things the way I see them done or the way I’ve been taught to do them. Never do I think to myself, “hmmmm… this is kind of cumbersome or imperfect, I wonder if there’s a better way?” and, hence, I don’t explore the idea of better ways. Even when I am thinking things along the lines of, “It’s too bad this is cumbersome or imperfect,” my automatic next thought is, “but if there was a better way it would be how everyone did it.” So, again, I don’t explore the idea of more ideas.

 

When I was little, I watched my mom create, explore, and insist on more ideas. I watched my little sister stomp her foot, push her fists into her hips, and, rosy-cheeked and cheeky, tell the grown-ups that her ideas were better ones. In both cases, I felt embarrassed, inadequate, and annoyed. Who the heck were they that they would have ideas? That they would be the ones who knew better when looking around I saw everyone else doing things – confidently and in great numbers – based on the old ideas. 

 

I was a mess of wanting back then. I wanted to be wise and have ideas like them. I wanted them to stop standing out of the crowd with their ideas. I wanted them to stop getting us in trouble by refusing to back down. When they would explain the reasons their ideas were better, I couldn’t help but agree with them, but then when others insisted that things had been done this way for so long and we should keep doing them this way, I couldn’t help but agree with them. I wanted not to be like that. 

 

My mom adopted many of my siblings (I am the oldest of eight) and among us were challenges ranging from sexual trauma to malnourishment to severe autism to fetal alcohol syndrome and more. New ideas were necessary for us to grow up healthy, capable, and happy. 

 

Attempting to navigate the world doing things the way they had been done was continually injuring us. 

 

It wasn’t easy for me, but I got better at trusting my mom and my sister’s ideas, despite the status quo fighting us almost every step of the way. It became easier as the health of me and my siblings clearly benefited from these other ways of doing things. Soon, I recognized how everyone benefited, regardless of disability, dysfunction, sexuality. My mom and my little sister, for some reason I can’t fathom, have always been hyper-aware of discrimination. They’ve always had an eye on equity with an all-encompassing empathy, and they insisted on the same from others. For me, this understanding of a lack of empathy for the outliers embedded in most of the old ideas only revealed itself when I was living with and loving people who are outliers. 

 

My lack of ideas was directly tied to a lack of diversity. Yet it was my resistance to the new ideas that feels particularly relevant. Embarrassing but relevant.

 

It should not have taken me so long to give the different ideas a chance. Particularly since I actually thought they sounded good. When explained to me, I did see their value. But the moment I looked around and saw way more people doing things the usual way, the way they were already being done, a few things happened. I got afraid, for one. Of standing out and not fitting in. Of needing to prove the value of doing it different and not being able to do so. Also, I couldn't believe the world didn’t already know what my mom or my sister knew. Hadn’t already weighed the pros and cons of their ideas – with equitable and inclusive and kind intentions - and landed on the way it’s being done. I knew there were people in the world who cared more about power and money than people but I was absolutely certain that those people were fewer and farther between than they are, which led me to believe our society must be equitable and good already.

 

But loving my brothers and sisters, loving my mom, loving myself, meant seeing I was wrong. 

 

As I grew more certain of this, and as I began to see the proof of it, I made it a point to seek new and different ideas, born from lives that rely on them. The ideas run the gamut from practical ways to build private and public spaces, to shifting our social commentary, to making political change, to examining and reforming some of our deep seeded beliefs about humanity.

 

Life-hacks are a helpful trend and I like discovering new ways of doing mundane things. These are almost always suggestions I not only wouldn’t have come up with on my own but I never would have tried coming up with a solution to begin with. Because I am just not that type. 

 

When I was young, I thought it might be because I was not smart. But whether or not that was true then, it is not true now. I still do not tend to invent new ideas. But I am smart enough to seek them out, to truly consider them, and to decide for myself if I think they will make life better in the long run for the most people. Funnily, life hacks meant only to make things faster or easier are not often ones I choose to implement. I’ve discovered that ideas meant to speed up tasks take away greatly from the wisdom of and connection to the task. Of course, that’s not always the case. But often it is.

 

Ideas are never ending, always evolving, forever in need of refreshing. Without a willingness to consider new ones, without a purposeful seeking of ideas grown from uncommon soil, without the intention to actually listen and actually consider changing, we sit in our old rot and spoil. 

 

Some of us have the skill of seeing what isn’t obvious to those they are surrounded by. I am not that. 

However, those of us who are less able to see are powerful too. We are able to listen, to learn, to make friends and family of those who – often by necessity – are seeing what isn’t obvious, and willing to share it with us. Not all ideas are better just because they are different or new, but they are ideas. Which are always worth exploring.

 

A lack of ideas is not the fault of ideas. It is the fault of idea seekers who are unwilling. Unwilling to stick out, unwilling to be wrong, unwilling to listen to outliers and other people vastly different from themselves.

 

Let's be idea seekers who are willing.

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Without Wings (Short Story)

 

It was all inside. The nourishment, the entertainment, the company. The sharing of ideas, the music that swayed and swelled and invigorated those ideas, the others with their news and affections. It was all inside today.

 

Platforms rested at open WIWS (Walk In, Wing Span) windows while individuals, groups, families flew up, landed, went inside. Simply went inside. 

 

Wanting to go inside, to have what was inside, I wandered around, looking for the special entrance made for me. For others like me. While looking for my entrance, I couldn't help but also look for someone similar to me; another someone needing the special entrance. I looked partly to remind myself that I was not alone, and partly to follow them in as I couldn't seem to find the entrance myself. 

 

I wasn't in a hurry. I'd gotten here early knowing that sometimes getting inside takes me a little longer than the others and I did not want to feel anxious about time. Plus, I have to pay attention to the places I put my feet in order to stay safe, and I like having time to stop and look up at the world. So I am here early. As are those I see entering welcoming WIWS windows now.

 

Often our special entrances would be signed clearly, often not, but usually there is at least one for buildings such as this, and I really wanted to be part of what was inside, so I kept looking. The ground is not easy to traverse because, well, most others simply fly over the rough stuff. So it isn't cared for in the way it could be. Admittedly, there are a lot of people like me, but many of us don't often find the desire for what's inside and up high worth the work of getting to it.

 

Today, I do. But as others fly up to the busy perches, move swiftly into the open windows, the sound of chatter and music raining lightly down on me, I see they are mostly too busy or rushed to notice me, to offer assistance. They aren't cruel; they are simply on their way somewhere and focused. I don't want to interrupt their flow so I continue climbing over obstacles and seeking a sign for my entrance. I don't ask for help up.

 

I have still not seen another like me today, and can't help but wonder if I am being too insistent on taking part of what is inside. I mean, after all, once I do find the entrance and make my way to the gathering of wonderful things up high, will it really be so wonderful? I'll be tired, they'll be busy, I'll have to find my way back down. But, I remind myself, by then I will know where my special entrance is at least. 

 

And this cumbersome ground is simply that. Cumbersome. Challenging. Not impossible. I can do it, I have done it, I will do it.

 

Today, I want what is inside. Today, I want access to wonderful companionship, nourishment, ideas. 

 

Someone smiles at me as they fly by, nodding and moving swiftly upward. I think I see them point in the direction I'm walking... 

 

Oh, I see it! Barely fifty feet away, beyond a noticeable crack in the ground I know I can make my way across. The crack is not too large, but it is large enough that I see it before tripping into it. It is simply a hop for me when I get there. I see the sign "Without Wings" above a lovely little door leading inside. 

 

I know today will be worth it. I will open the door, which should be unlocked, and head up the stairs, which I know will be in okay condition - the laws insist they be safe enough - and though I'll be tired by the time I reach the floors above where everyone is gathering for today's meeting - an important meeting meant to discuss and decide important things - the ideas, nourishment, and music should help perk me up rather quickly. Once inside I know I will require a modicum of assistance, some help having access to things available on higher perches and platforms. Places like this are designed by those with wings so why would they not incorporate all that space up high? For people like me, though, they will kindly help. In fact, in most instances, they will like to help. In general, we all like an element of helping. 

 

I, unlike the majority, am without wings, and I am here. I intend to add my ideas to the others. To let my ideas fly, without wings but amongst them. 

 

Today, for me, it is worth it. I feel certain of it. 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Inclusive Sexual Encounters - A Poem about Connecting Sexually

 

A bed

A sexual connection can be like poetry: greater than the sum of its parts. 

 

Significantly more than the appearance of the thing itself.  

 

There's so much going on at once and the best way to experience it is with a gentle guiding and acknowledgement of the feelings, thoughts, words, and touch rather than a straight up narrative.

I don't generally write poetry. To be honest, I don't generally enjoy reading it much either. However, the other day I was moved to write a piece of prose.

I was thinking about the various things I'm newly learning and experiencing sexually. I was thinking about how valuable those things are and how I hope everyone gets the opportunity to have similar experiences.

I heard my thoughts and wondered, could I write about the things I'm feeling in an inclusive way? Could I be personal and specific, without leaving many others out? Could I share in a way almost anyone could imagine it for themselves?

I wanted to share the vulnerabilities, the pleasures, the communication and connection, the desires, the physical feelings.

So, though the following poem was written with a sexual connection in mind, it was also written with sexual diversity in mind (in fact, I wrote it specifically for SexualDiversity.org) and was strongly influenced by the thinking I do here, for my Autism Answers blog.

Things we think and do during sexual encounters are informed by what we've seen, heard, wanted, thought, feared, and hoped outside of sex. And people who have been abused, people who have disabilities or disorders, people who experience more than a small amount of discrimination, well - we bring that with us into the bedroom. But this does not mean we aren't able to experience pleasure and connection, it just means we may need more in the way of careful communication, we may need to practice telling and asking, listening well and being authentic.

I am sharing this piece of prose here. It is truly personal, but I also wrote it with you in mind. 

 

Visit the poem via Sexual Diversity here: With You 

 

 

With You

Mmmm…. I’m coming close

Closer to you

Is this okay? Do you like this?

Do you feel that? I want you to feel it

 

My hand is slipping between your legs

Oh, you are excited, it seems

I want you to feel good

My hand slides where you clearly enjoy it

I enjoy it

 

Tell me, what do you see when you feel me?

Can you feel me? Do you want me?

Show me

 

I want you to like this with me

More pressure? Harder here?

My body, which is ours in this moment, is in motion

Sensitive, so sensitive,

pulsing

 

Aware and alive

skin and loins, bits and buttons

My eyes are closed but I see you with my touch

I feel you

 

Where do you want me to feel you? Show me, move my body if you can

Pressure here,

soft teasing here,

no? No soft teasing then

 

I’m trying to listen to your body’s response but my own is so loud and insistent

I’m here with you but I’m here in me more; I want you to come in, feel what I’m feeling

I want to come in, feel what you’re feeling

to know how to titillate and stimulate

 

I want my sensual touch to serve you, pleasure you, and bring you to me

Bring me to you

It’s so loud! This feeling

So loud!

 

We are not woman or man, not able or un, not old or young, not colored or un

We are this feeling

So loud!

 

Oh, yes, please tell me, move me, allow me, ask me

Mmmm… I’m coming close

With you 

~

 

 Hugs, smiles, and love!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

 

Autism Answer: Inclusion Please, Because I'm Self-Centered and a Little Bit Selfish

 

Some of my family taking a break during a hike

Look, there are a lot of reasons I advocate for a more inclusive and visibly diverse world. I want my brothers (who have various disabilities and challenges) to know there are places for them in society where they can grow their talents while having uncommon challenges and reactions to things. I want my sons (who are a variety pack of colors and sexual orientations) to see romance, relationships, and success around them in so many different styles they can't help but know they, too, can create something that works for them and will be welcomed in the world. I want so many more things of this nature for the people I love as well as people I don't know but would probably also choose to love.

 

I am interrupting my program with this important message: Watch Living with Lynette to see inclusion in action!

 

However, I confess something. The more I think about how the world could change for people I love if it was more inclusive and diverse, the more I want it for me. The more I want it for my own challenges and reactions. 

 

I want to see and read what it is to live with all these things I don't understand so I can learn how to best be kind. I don't want to always put others in the position of teaching me how to be kind to them; I want to watch it all in action and have ample opportunities to learn.

 

Show me stutters and tics, and let me feel more comfortable around them so I can be kinder. Let me read stories from minds that work against themselves or in extremes, so perhaps I can have a perspective that grows my ability to be around more people. I want more stories of romance and sexual exploration with people who have sensory challenges or physical limitations so I can anticipate the beauty of my own aging and physical changes and normalize the very wonderful skill of communicating ourselves to our partners. 

 

There is more. But you see what I'm confessing here, right? That I am self-centered and a bit selfish.

 

When I was younger I thought my mom was crazy for believing the world should make room for my brothers. I mean, what the heck? They were not like anyone anywhere and who wants to figure it all out? Then I got less mean and realized, dang. Mom is right and I am a mean, mean, mean sister. I started getting to know my brothers rather than only think of them as people to help mom keep an eye on and I realized, they are people with harder for me to understand challenges, but they have no less and no more right to a fulfilling life than me. So I started working with my mom and asking the world to be more inclusive, for the sake of them. 

 

Or, I thought it was for them. But I am a self-centered girl and, actually, I'm beginning to notice it is - yes -for the sake of my family but more for the sake of me. If my family is accepted I am free to stop doing the work of asking them to be accepted. But, admittedly, more than that if the world is more inclusive and diverse I will not feel as much pressure to know how to be around people who are drastically different. Because I will have seen and read and experienced enough of it to be able to figure it out with more ease and less pressure. 

 

I won't feel as much like, "This is your chance to prove you know how to be around difference so get it right, lady." Because, well, the world will give me more opportunities to see and experience disabilities and differences. 

 

So, yes. Please. If you are willing to put yourself out there, if you are willing to write, be a guest expert on a talk show, star in a movie, rock out in a music video, anything at all where we can see you and interact with you and learn what interactions you like best and why, I would appreciate it. Whoever you are. 

 

I confess, I want it because I'm self-centered and a little bit selfish. I want it for my sake. 

 

But I also think it will benefit other people. So if that makes me sound nicer, let that be the take away.

 

 Hugs, smiles, and love!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

Autism Answer: Autism Exists In Our Lives And Is Naturally Included In Our Ideas

My brother, Dar, bowling

 

 

Recently this blog, my blog, this place where you and I meet to explore memories and books and thoughts worth undressing while daydreaming, where we sip coffee and take breaks to dance and go pee and then get more coffee, where I image you being interested in all this stuff I want to think deeper about so I give you the role of asking me to explain a little better, was included in a list of Top 100 Autism Blogs. What an honor! Thank you for asking me to explain a little better. We make a good team!

However, though we do talk about autism here, it is not the most common subject. Sure, it started off as being one of our more common spin off points, but it is now more of an element. It exists in our lives and is naturally included in our ideas. 

I like that! That is kind of the goal of inclusion, right? Not to ignore a thing or pretend it isn't unique in the reactions and needs it manifests, but to simply include it as part of our lives and expectations. 

But it remains legitimate and necessary, also, to talk about autism. 

As I was thinking about this I came across -

Several years ago I was invited to do an author interview for a beautiful woman and her website, Books for the Soul. I can't find the actual interview anymore, although this link will take you to her review of my book Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself, but I did stumble across the document in my files where I answered her questions. 

The following snippet feels relevant to the audience of this blog. A blog that is written by someone who would never have been brave enough to discover, believe in, and write about uncommon answers if it wasn't for autism. A blog that found itself on a Top 100 Autism Blogs list. :D

Excerpt:

Books for The Soul: In your collection of essays, you seem to be the voice of reason with friends and your sons. But when it comes to your brothers, it seemed that your actions were different. Did you recognize this shift? Did your impatience towards your brothers allow you the maturity to better deal with your own family? How so?

Me: The thing about writing, at least the type of writing I’m attracted to, is it insists on understanding and relating to each character. Because of this I’ve always found it easy and even addictive to put myself in the place of another, suspend judgement so I can fully “get them”. However, in my reading and writing I rarely came across people with mental health challenges as all-encompassing as autism. Schizophrenia, Tourette’s Syndrome, autism, these are not part of your usual protagonists. I was far less practiced at understanding people who appeared not understandable. Sadly, my lack of understanding seemed more acceptable to the professionals and neighbors in our world than my mom’s insistence on understanding.

Writing shifted that for me (thank goodness). And only because I accepted the invitation and challenge to write press releases and media pitches for my mom, who is an international mentalhealth expert. She is also the most gifted writer I know, so when I took on the role of PR person I dared myself to raise my bar and meet her halfway. It took some time for the writing to help me see, but not much. Writing with the intention of understanding is a quick medicine. My brothers felt the shift in me and our relationships have strengthened.

It is certain that my struggles and successes as a sister helped me be an intuitive mom. When my youngest sons showed signs of autism I knew almost instinctively how to find the balance between pushing and allowing. And when I didn’t, I asked my mom!

But it is also true that my experiences as a sister were sometimes a detriment. I’d seen how the world and the people in it treated my brothers, and I’d played an unfortunate role myself in the self-esteem issues they suffered because of it. So sometimes my desire for “normal” sons overwhelmed my hope for passionate happy ones. The lines are blurred – the work of fitting in isn’t entirely value-less – so I could justify my mistakes, and make them again.

However, in the bigger picture nothing but good has come from having such a diverse family while being willing to be truthful about my own mistakes.

Books for the Soul: Again, it seems as if you're often the person people go to for help and moments of pause. Who do you go to for guidance? Why him/her? How did that space become safe?

ME: “It feels like I’m always calling you to whine about my life and you’re always helping me. This is a one sided relationship,” my friend says with two parts playfulness and one part worry. “No way,” is my quick reply. “When we chat and I give you my ideas, that’s you asking me questions that help me know what I think. My life is great because you whine to me!” We giggle.

There are a few places I go to for guidance. Most of them being safe places where I trust I can be vulnerable and open without fear of repercussion. My close friends and my sons give me that safe feeling; a knowing that I am entirely loved regardless of my truths. With them I feel encouraged to seek my own answers, using them as a living and thinking sounding board.

However, when I seek answers or feedback from outside of myself I go to my sister and my mom.

As I mentioned earlier, my mom is a renowned international mental health expert so her knowledge is vast. She is also an out of the box thinker and leader who loves me fiercely. However, I too am a mom who loves fiercely, so I have reason to suspect that regardless of how gifted my mom is when it comes to putting her own agenda and mothering needs aside, our entanglement is persistent, coloring her advice to me. Enter my sister.

Like mom, she is strong, thoughtful, deeply empathetic, and brilliant. Also, she is my closest friend and has always, always, always managed to give me a feeling of active worthiness. Younger than me by three years we never the less grew up together. Nothing is secret or beyond us. All the things we leave unsaid exist in harmony; not hiding, but mingling and known. There is a story of why our friendship is all encompassing but there is no beginning. With me and my sister (rough patches included) it is always. She is my safest space.

Books for the Soul: Tell everyone about your initiative with autism and why you are using your platform to educate people about it. What should people do if they are looking for help/answers? What if someone suspects a loved one is autistic but fears asking those questions?

Me: As a reader I have been shaped by a vast collection of stories and perspectives. In so many ways this has helped me remain forever open minded and able to understand people. But there are a few communities of people missing from the popular books (and films, and tv shows) that shaped me and my peers. And it seems to me that none are nearly as missing from the spotlight of our cultural narrative as the disabled. Characters with Tourette’s or Cerebral Palsy or epilepsy. This is a dangerous and cruel lie about the world we live in. The world they live in. We need them to star in more stories. They are talented actors, writers, thinkers, singers, comedians, creators. Why do we harm each other by mostly using or ignoring them?

So I try not to! I hesitate to write stories where the main character is autistic because I am not. But I don't want to ignore them or use them only to pull heartstrings. I share so that they will share, so that people will be honestly and openly interested, and so that we will admit to our own discomfort in order to overcome it.

Autism does not make people not people. It is a disorder that kind of makes the world behave differently for them – sounds, smells, touch is different for someone on the spectrum. Yet the hardest part remains how we treat them. The looks, the pity, the anger, the judging.

If I could suggest only one thing to a person who suspects they or someone they love is autistic, I would suggest that they reach out to my mom. Ideally, have her come to you for an outreach. 

She was undiagnosed (or, more honestly, continually misdiagnosed) most of her life and is called “the autism whisperer” by many of the people she works with. Though she doesn’t like that moniker. She feels as if it suggests she has some sort of whimsical magical ability, when in truth she is just really really good at caring and understanding. Perhaps the truth that she seems to have some sort of whimsical magical ability says more about us than her. Hmmmm?

So for those of you hoping to learn more about autism, or mental health in general, reach out to my mom. And for those who know a lot, please share. We need you to shine! Go to the store, audition for roles, write a play, paint, build, be in the world.

It’s an unfair burden, to be the ones out there teaching and leading us. I know. But we need you.

I am reminded of a conversation I had with my nibbling, Ronnie. They are pansexual and my son is gay. We were talking about the lack of representation in film. Ronnie complained that when they do include LGBTQ storylines, the sexuality is too much the focus. “I hear you,” I agreed. “But I admit to doing it myself, in my screenplay CARHOPPING. The thing is, we’re still at a place in society where the issues that come up when people are sexually different or diverse need to be acknowledged and respected. Your sexuality is causing reactions that might be hurting you in ways we need to explore, change, and validate. One day, soon I hope, that won’t be necessary. The characters will just be who they are."

Now, who we are is influenced by our sexuality. Who we are is influenced by our abilities and challenges. Who we are is influenced by our culture and the culture around us. There will, wonderfully, always be stories exploring that. 

But when we are truly inclusive, we don't need all the stories with people who have autism to be about autism. Or all the stories that have people with black skin to be about black skin. Or all the stories that have people with diverse sexual tastes or challenges to be about diverse sexual tastes or challenges. Those stories are of great value but need to be balanced out by all the stories of people being people in every other kind of story as well. 

And now, back to -

Recently, this blog, my blog, this place where you and I meet to explore memories and books and thoughts worth undressing while daydreaming, was included in a list of Top 100 Autism Blogs.

Autism is not the most common subject, it it is more of an element. It exists in our lives and is naturally included in our ideas. 

I like that. 

It is my hope that you like it, too.

Be sure to check out all the other blogs on the Top 100 list as well! What a diverse group of voices, perspectives, styles, and abilities. It is truly an honor to be among them. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)