Review of The Pornographer: Irish Novel by John McGahern

 Originally written for my column at SexualDiversity.org

RANDOM: I have not been seeking it out, yet the Universe keeps plopping Irish literature into my hands. I have no follow up point, just thought I'd share that random fact :D 

____ 

The Pornographer by John McGahern is a novel about a writer named Michael. When we meet Michael he's living in a Dublin apartment making decent money as a writer of pornography, visiting his dying aunt regularly in the hospital with gifts of scotch to ease her pain, and going out dancing, hoping to meet women to have sex with.

We are invited along and introduced not only to Michael's attitudes toward this dance between the sexes, but also Josephine. They meet, she agrees to come home with him, they discuss with refreshing honesty their beliefs about what they want and why they want it.

They have sex. Josephine falls in love. Michael does not.

The rest of the story unfolds as each character and their ideas of love, sex, family, and death are brilliantly revealed, explored, and considered.

The diversity of characters and genders in this story, in the hands of this author, allows for an honest consideration of the different ideas and desires between genders, as well as the separate obstacles and expectations experienced by each.

Throughout the novel we are equally gifted with different interpretations, opinions, and actions of each person as individuals.

I love when storytellers give us space and reason to agree with and understand clashing perspectives. John McGahern is one such storyteller. (Amongst Women is another novel by John McGahern that I have read and he does an equally good job in that book.)

The protagonist, Michael, isn't cruel, but he is callous. He is continuously clear with Josephine, telling her he does not love her though he does enjoy sex with her. Meanwhile she feels as though she's in love with him and that he could, were he willing, learn to love her in time. Although she is a little older than Michael, he speaks to her as though she is a student and he is her teacher in all things love and sex. Michael is didactic while Josephine is romantic.

Even though Michael makes it known with clarity he could not love Josephine, his relationship with her continues because, after insisting that according to the calendar they did not need to use a condom (It makes a farce out of it, doesn't it? It's just not natural~Josephine) she becomes pregnant. Michael does not want to be the sort who would abandon her, but he is also unwilling to be a family. There are many revelatory conversations between Michael and Josephine, as well as with other characters who are invited to weigh in, while ideas of what to do are explored. The conversations reveal more than only the complexities of Dublin life in the 1970s, but the complexities of relationships in general.

Throughout the book Michael continues to care for his aunt and his uncle and write pornography; he meets a new woman who is quite independent and wonderful; he discusses life and death with his employer; he gets help and advice from his doctor friend and her wife. The diversity of beliefs in each character is well examined and fantastic to explore.

The story explores sexual behaviors and beliefs, which I expected from a novel called The Pornographer, and does so brilliantly, which I'd hoped for. The differences between the way sex is written in Michael's pornography (yes, we get to read some) is drastically different from the way sex is thought about and experienced in Michael's life. But each, of course, influences the other.

This is a great book, written by an author who is wickedly insightful.

With, perhaps, the greatest ending scene I've ever read in any book.

If you love to explore perspectives, as I do, I recommend The Pornographer.

"By not attending, by thinking any one thing was as worth doing as any other, by sleeping with anyone who would agree, I had been the cause of as much pain and confusion and evil as had I actively set out to do it. I had not attended properly." ~Michael, pg 251 of my copy

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

(X.com @TsaraShelton) 

Book Review: JEFF: A Sexually Realized Spiritual Odyssey of Stepping Into Love by Lynette Louise

 

This book, written by my mom in the form of a letter to an ex-lover, is the story of a woman who discovers and heals herself while gathering and guiding others. In this poetic pursuing of truth, of self-discovery, of creating an environment her eight challenged children can thrive in, my mom does not shy away from raw emotion, naked passion, or vulnerable positions. Indeed, she steps into them with love.

• Click on the link for more information on my mom's books: Lynette Louise, books

April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month, it is also Autism Awareness and Acceptance Month. It is also my mom's birthday month. Of all my mom's books this one, Jeff: A Sexually Realized Spiritual Odyssey of Stepping Into Love, is the most timely. Though all her books teach and tell about abuse prevention and autism acceptance, this one holds the audience’s hand and brings us intimately into the journey itself. This is the book mom wrote that took her to the places where she was able to write the other books.

Mom met Jeff a few years after leaving an abusive husband (my step-dad), moving into and then graduating out of a home for battered women, while raising six, then seven, then eight children. Mom had given birth to my sister and me before meeting my step-dad, then adopted my brothers (four boys, all with a variety of disorders and dysfunctions, including autism and fetal alcohol syndrome) just before leaving him, and then got custody of two more girls a few years later, since they had nowhere else to go that was safe.

Mom, who had a history of being abused, including sexually so, had gathered so many children to love and save. But she herself had not yet felt loved or saved. Enter Jeff. (Pun intended.)

Jeff gave my mom love. He accepted all her strangenesses in stride. (In my memory, Jeff had rather long legs which must have helped fit all that strangeness into his naturally long stride. Giggle!) And he found ways to take care of her, to pamper her, without ever giving her the feeling of being needy, of not being strong.

In this letter mom reminisces with Jeff and catches him up on her life, particularly filling him in on the relationship she’s in at the time of the writing, and on relationships along the way.

Throughout the letter that is this book mom is not shy. She does not cover up her nudity but, instead, encourages us to explore it. To recognize ourselves, our world, our own truths, fears, judgements, kindnesses and cruelties, while traveling not only her gentle curves but also the dark spaces. To bring with us an open mind and soft lights.

She exposes the burden of her own bi-sexuality, a secret sin she felt was sinful due in part to a homophobic ex-husband, and invites us to discover with her the beauty that is not a sin.

From the book:

And though I have intensely sexy memories of her feathery soft hair whispering on my thighs, what truly made the experience so heady, so overwhelmingly amazing, was the discovery of the me… in her.

Up until that moment I had felt that men were only pretending to like to look at my slimy, ugly genitals. That they were only putting up with touching me, in order to get the part they wanted, the part where I touched them back.

A little later:

It was so erotic to feel the hot, secret flesh inside her body, as it opened and closed, held and let go, pulled and released, pulsing like the heartbeat to some pagan ritual It was so amazing to discover that nothing, not a smell, not a taste, not a touch, not even a sound was repulsive or ugly or even undesired.

And I felt,
As I felt,
That I was feeling me,
And finding me sexy.

The discovery of herself, while discovering others, while giving and receiving love, is such a consistent theme in mom’s life. And in this book she brings us along.

It is almost as if we, as an audience, leave the controlling name calling clutches of my step-dad and fall into the work of breaking patterns as well.

From the book:

I counted on my husband to control me into respectability and teach me how to behave so that I could like myself and my family could be proud of me for finding someone who agreed with them. Called me a slut. I hoped to change myself into their version of good.

I guess that’s why, when my husband molested my daughter which reminded me that my father had molested me, I felt my complicity in the fact that I had followed the family pattern for success.
And so finally I stopped listening to what others told me and began searching for my own truth,
And discovered that all the work is done in the mind.

Ah, yes. It is. Knowing that to be true, that all the work is done in the mind, is liberating but doesn’t solve it. We still must do the work. And our minds are not so easily understood. Though embarking on this odyssey with mom does help, and we begin to see how she went on to become the world-renowned brain change and behavior expert she is today.

But before mom was helping families around the globe (autism is her specialty but the families she works with always also have other disfunctions, disabilities, and disorders) she was homeschooling her sons and putting food on the table, keeping a roof over our heads (me and my sons were living with her at the time), by helping men in the Houston area.

From the book:

I called it “Romance Therapy” charged by the hour and actually helped people with sexual self-acceptance issues. Which is interesting since they say you teach what you need most to learn. I re-packaged the oldest profession in a way that would make it legal and allow me to claim it on my income tax. I had found my niche, my solution, my way to still teach, everyone.

A little later in the book:

Dark and handsome Edward who cared more about talking, seeking acceptance for the lack of lust towards his wife, getting solace from suffering for days before and after each visit, flogging himself with guilt.

Tall and gorgeous Steve who needed to idolize and adore for an hour every two week. So that when he ordered and bossed and controlled the staff beneath him, he could remember he was kind.

Tom who looked for forgiveness ever since Vietnam and John who was every woman’s dream date but didn’t stay in one town long enough to build towards intimacy, with no strings attached.

And sweet precious Jerry who turned out the lights and pretended I was his “ill-with-lupus wife.” He couldn’t make love to her as she would bruise from the slightest touch. So he caressed her sick body through my healthy one, whispering in the darkness, silently, her name.

Curtis, Mario, and Brian who were physically disabled and required a great deal of care, from catheters to carrying while radiantly gifting me with their smiles of divine physical beauty. If fact most of my clients were beautiful.
Inside,
And out.

This sexually realized odyssey is not a book about sex, but it is a book that brings us into the vulnerabilities and intimate realizations we can have while being sexual.

My mom is a unique woman, but her revelations are relatable and universal. My mom, a woman who was a child that suffered abuse, and then a woman who chose abuse, and then a healer who hurt while insisting on healing, brings us insights meant to do no less than change our world.

From the book:

Ted [a man she is seeing] began to apologize and explain that he hadn’t understood.

I cut him off gently.

“I never expected you would, that’s why I’m explaining now. But I need you to know me. To know I can be trusted to be kind. That there is never a moment when I’m not doing the best I can for my kids. So next time if you’re not sure, don’t tell me what I am doing. Ask me.”

Reading Jeff: A Sexually Realized Spiritual Odyssey of Stepping into Love is truly like departing on a spiritual odyssey and stepping into love. It is a whirlwind of beautiful phrasing, cultural observations, funny moments, adorable children, discovery, discovery, discovery. Learning and un-learning and learning again. Finding ourselves hidden, and stepping into love.

It is the love letter that helped my mom step out of abuse, into a world of teaching acceptance, and

moving beyond itself.

It is a love letter for Jeff. For my mom. For us kids. And for you.

Step into it.

• Click on the link for more information on my mom's books: Lynette Louise, books

 

Autism Answer: Inclusive Sexual Encounters - A Poem about Connecting Sexually

 

A bed

A sexual connection can be like poetry: greater than the sum of its parts. 

 

Significantly more than the appearance of the thing itself.  

 

There's so much going on at once and the best way to experience it is with a gentle guiding and acknowledgement of the feelings, thoughts, words, and touch rather than a straight up narrative.

I don't generally write poetry. To be honest, I don't generally enjoy reading it much either. However, the other day I was moved to write a piece of prose.

I was thinking about the various things I'm newly learning and experiencing sexually. I was thinking about how valuable those things are and how I hope everyone gets the opportunity to have similar experiences.

I heard my thoughts and wondered, could I write about the things I'm feeling in an inclusive way? Could I be personal and specific, without leaving many others out? Could I share in a way almost anyone could imagine it for themselves?

I wanted to share the vulnerabilities, the pleasures, the communication and connection, the desires, the physical feelings.

So, though the following poem was written with a sexual connection in mind, it was also written with sexual diversity in mind (in fact, I wrote it specifically for SexualDiversity.org) and was strongly influenced by the thinking I do here, for my Autism Answers blog.

Things we think and do during sexual encounters are informed by what we've seen, heard, wanted, thought, feared, and hoped outside of sex. And people who have been abused, people who have disabilities or disorders, people who experience more than a small amount of discrimination, well - we bring that with us into the bedroom. But this does not mean we aren't able to experience pleasure and connection, it just means we may need more in the way of careful communication, we may need to practice telling and asking, listening well and being authentic.

I am sharing this piece of prose here. It is truly personal, but I also wrote it with you in mind. 

 

Visit the poem via Sexual Diversity here: With You 

 

 

With You

Mmmm…. I’m coming close

Closer to you

Is this okay? Do you like this?

Do you feel that? I want you to feel it

 

My hand is slipping between your legs

Oh, you are excited, it seems

I want you to feel good

My hand slides where you clearly enjoy it

I enjoy it

 

Tell me, what do you see when you feel me?

Can you feel me? Do you want me?

Show me

 

I want you to like this with me

More pressure? Harder here?

My body, which is ours in this moment, is in motion

Sensitive, so sensitive,

pulsing

 

Aware and alive

skin and loins, bits and buttons

My eyes are closed but I see you with my touch

I feel you

 

Where do you want me to feel you? Show me, move my body if you can

Pressure here,

soft teasing here,

no? No soft teasing then

 

I’m trying to listen to your body’s response but my own is so loud and insistent

I’m here with you but I’m here in me more; I want you to come in, feel what I’m feeling

I want to come in, feel what you’re feeling

to know how to titillate and stimulate

 

I want my sensual touch to serve you, pleasure you, and bring you to me

Bring me to you

It’s so loud! This feeling

So loud!

 

We are not woman or man, not able or un, not old or young, not colored or un

We are this feeling

So loud!

 

Oh, yes, please tell me, move me, allow me, ask me

Mmmm… I’m coming close

With you 

~

 

 Hugs, smiles, and love!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

 

Autism Answer: Autism Exists In Our Lives And Is Naturally Included In Our Ideas

My brother, Dar, bowling

 

 

Recently this blog, my blog, this place where you and I meet to explore memories and books and thoughts worth undressing while daydreaming, where we sip coffee and take breaks to dance and go pee and then get more coffee, where I image you being interested in all this stuff I want to think deeper about so I give you the role of asking me to explain a little better, was included in a list of Top 100 Autism Blogs. What an honor! Thank you for asking me to explain a little better. We make a good team!

However, though we do talk about autism here, it is not the most common subject. Sure, it started off as being one of our more common spin off points, but it is now more of an element. It exists in our lives and is naturally included in our ideas. 

I like that! That is kind of the goal of inclusion, right? Not to ignore a thing or pretend it isn't unique in the reactions and needs it manifests, but to simply include it as part of our lives and expectations. 

But it remains legitimate and necessary, also, to talk about autism. 

As I was thinking about this I came across -

Several years ago I was invited to do an author interview for a beautiful woman and her website, Books for the Soul. I can't find the actual interview anymore, although this link will take you to her review of my book Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself, but I did stumble across the document in my files where I answered her questions. 

The following snippet feels relevant to the audience of this blog. A blog that is written by someone who would never have been brave enough to discover, believe in, and write about uncommon answers if it wasn't for autism. A blog that found itself on a Top 100 Autism Blogs list. :D

Excerpt:

Books for The Soul: In your collection of essays, you seem to be the voice of reason with friends and your sons. But when it comes to your brothers, it seemed that your actions were different. Did you recognize this shift? Did your impatience towards your brothers allow you the maturity to better deal with your own family? How so?

Me: The thing about writing, at least the type of writing I’m attracted to, is it insists on understanding and relating to each character. Because of this I’ve always found it easy and even addictive to put myself in the place of another, suspend judgement so I can fully “get them”. However, in my reading and writing I rarely came across people with mental health challenges as all-encompassing as autism. Schizophrenia, Tourette’s Syndrome, autism, these are not part of your usual protagonists. I was far less practiced at understanding people who appeared not understandable. Sadly, my lack of understanding seemed more acceptable to the professionals and neighbors in our world than my mom’s insistence on understanding.

Writing shifted that for me (thank goodness). And only because I accepted the invitation and challenge to write press releases and media pitches for my mom, who is an international mentalhealth expert. She is also the most gifted writer I know, so when I took on the role of PR person I dared myself to raise my bar and meet her halfway. It took some time for the writing to help me see, but not much. Writing with the intention of understanding is a quick medicine. My brothers felt the shift in me and our relationships have strengthened.

It is certain that my struggles and successes as a sister helped me be an intuitive mom. When my youngest sons showed signs of autism I knew almost instinctively how to find the balance between pushing and allowing. And when I didn’t, I asked my mom!

But it is also true that my experiences as a sister were sometimes a detriment. I’d seen how the world and the people in it treated my brothers, and I’d played an unfortunate role myself in the self-esteem issues they suffered because of it. So sometimes my desire for “normal” sons overwhelmed my hope for passionate happy ones. The lines are blurred – the work of fitting in isn’t entirely value-less – so I could justify my mistakes, and make them again.

However, in the bigger picture nothing but good has come from having such a diverse family while being willing to be truthful about my own mistakes.

Books for the Soul: Again, it seems as if you're often the person people go to for help and moments of pause. Who do you go to for guidance? Why him/her? How did that space become safe?

ME: “It feels like I’m always calling you to whine about my life and you’re always helping me. This is a one sided relationship,” my friend says with two parts playfulness and one part worry. “No way,” is my quick reply. “When we chat and I give you my ideas, that’s you asking me questions that help me know what I think. My life is great because you whine to me!” We giggle.

There are a few places I go to for guidance. Most of them being safe places where I trust I can be vulnerable and open without fear of repercussion. My close friends and my sons give me that safe feeling; a knowing that I am entirely loved regardless of my truths. With them I feel encouraged to seek my own answers, using them as a living and thinking sounding board.

However, when I seek answers or feedback from outside of myself I go to my sister and my mom.

As I mentioned earlier, my mom is a renowned international mental health expert so her knowledge is vast. She is also an out of the box thinker and leader who loves me fiercely. However, I too am a mom who loves fiercely, so I have reason to suspect that regardless of how gifted my mom is when it comes to putting her own agenda and mothering needs aside, our entanglement is persistent, coloring her advice to me. Enter my sister.

Like mom, she is strong, thoughtful, deeply empathetic, and brilliant. Also, she is my closest friend and has always, always, always managed to give me a feeling of active worthiness. Younger than me by three years we never the less grew up together. Nothing is secret or beyond us. All the things we leave unsaid exist in harmony; not hiding, but mingling and known. There is a story of why our friendship is all encompassing but there is no beginning. With me and my sister (rough patches included) it is always. She is my safest space.

Books for the Soul: Tell everyone about your initiative with autism and why you are using your platform to educate people about it. What should people do if they are looking for help/answers? What if someone suspects a loved one is autistic but fears asking those questions?

Me: As a reader I have been shaped by a vast collection of stories and perspectives. In so many ways this has helped me remain forever open minded and able to understand people. But there are a few communities of people missing from the popular books (and films, and tv shows) that shaped me and my peers. And it seems to me that none are nearly as missing from the spotlight of our cultural narrative as the disabled. Characters with Tourette’s or Cerebral Palsy or epilepsy. This is a dangerous and cruel lie about the world we live in. The world they live in. We need them to star in more stories. They are talented actors, writers, thinkers, singers, comedians, creators. Why do we harm each other by mostly using or ignoring them?

So I try not to! I hesitate to write stories where the main character is autistic because I am not. But I don't want to ignore them or use them only to pull heartstrings. I share so that they will share, so that people will be honestly and openly interested, and so that we will admit to our own discomfort in order to overcome it.

Autism does not make people not people. It is a disorder that kind of makes the world behave differently for them – sounds, smells, touch is different for someone on the spectrum. Yet the hardest part remains how we treat them. The looks, the pity, the anger, the judging.

If I could suggest only one thing to a person who suspects they or someone they love is autistic, I would suggest that they reach out to my mom. Ideally, have her come to you for an outreach. 

She was undiagnosed (or, more honestly, continually misdiagnosed) most of her life and is called “the autism whisperer” by many of the people she works with. Though she doesn’t like that moniker. She feels as if it suggests she has some sort of whimsical magical ability, when in truth she is just really really good at caring and understanding. Perhaps the truth that she seems to have some sort of whimsical magical ability says more about us than her. Hmmmm?

So for those of you hoping to learn more about autism, or mental health in general, reach out to my mom. And for those who know a lot, please share. We need you to shine! Go to the store, audition for roles, write a play, paint, build, be in the world.

It’s an unfair burden, to be the ones out there teaching and leading us. I know. But we need you.

I am reminded of a conversation I had with my nibbling, Ronnie. They are pansexual and my son is gay. We were talking about the lack of representation in film. Ronnie complained that when they do include LGBTQ storylines, the sexuality is too much the focus. “I hear you,” I agreed. “But I admit to doing it myself, in my screenplay CARHOPPING. The thing is, we’re still at a place in society where the issues that come up when people are sexually different or diverse need to be acknowledged and respected. Your sexuality is causing reactions that might be hurting you in ways we need to explore, change, and validate. One day, soon I hope, that won’t be necessary. The characters will just be who they are."

Now, who we are is influenced by our sexuality. Who we are is influenced by our abilities and challenges. Who we are is influenced by our culture and the culture around us. There will, wonderfully, always be stories exploring that. 

But when we are truly inclusive, we don't need all the stories with people who have autism to be about autism. Or all the stories that have people with black skin to be about black skin. Or all the stories that have people with diverse sexual tastes or challenges to be about diverse sexual tastes or challenges. Those stories are of great value but need to be balanced out by all the stories of people being people in every other kind of story as well. 

And now, back to -

Recently, this blog, my blog, this place where you and I meet to explore memories and books and thoughts worth undressing while daydreaming, was included in a list of Top 100 Autism Blogs.

Autism is not the most common subject, it it is more of an element. It exists in our lives and is naturally included in our ideas. 

I like that. 

It is my hope that you like it, too.

Be sure to check out all the other blogs on the Top 100 list as well! What a diverse group of voices, perspectives, styles, and abilities. It is truly an honor to be among them. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

 

Autism Answer: Born a Girl

Me circa when I knew one day I would be a boy

 

When I was little I assumed in an absolute manner that one day I would go from being a girl to being a boy. It seemed unquestionable and obvious to me. I didn't have a desire to become a boy, I didn't have a feeling of having masculinity inside me at all and, quite the contrary, loved to imagine myself the prettiest little girl in the history of pretty little girls. But I also KNEW for a FACT that one day I would be a boy, and I was absolutely okay with that.

Eventually, at an age I can't quite recall but know as being a little old to still hold this belief so certainly, I approached my mom for some clarification.

"Mom?" I asked, a little shyly.

"Hmmm?" she replied over her steaming coffee mug, smiling at me expectantly and taking a pull on her cigarette.

"When will I be a boy?" I think I was quiet as I asked. I was a shy little thing, but not with mom. However, I did want her to see me as wise, so not knowing was something I sometimes felt nervous about.

"What do you mean?" she asked with interest, placing her cigarette in the ashtray. Not a hint of amusement in my memory. Simply interest in me and my question.

"When will I become a boy? Right now I'm still a girl, and I like that, but I want to know when I get to be a boy. Will I wake up a boy one day or does it take time, like when you have a baby and they take time in to grow in your tummy?"

"Why do you think you will become a boy, sweetie?" She looked surprised, as if she didn't already know about it. It still didn't occur to me that I could be wrong since the knowledge was so certain in me, I was watching and listening to her from that knowing place. So I explained it for her.

"Well, if you are born a girl, one day you become a boy. And if you are born a boy, one day you become a girl. Because that way we all get a turn to be both." I looked up at her to see if she understood.

However, she simply smiled and told me I had it wrong.

"Oh, no, that's not how it works, Tsara. You are a girl now and will always be a girl. Unless you choose to change that.* It won't just happen to you."

"That doesn't make sense, mom." I was confused. How could she not know? My mom, so brilliant and beautiful and smart. So certain of things. Yet this simple fact had eluded her. "You can't be only a girl or only a boy, you have to have a turn for both."

She began to explain to me that she had been born a girl, and was now a woman. That I was right about change, but the change was different than I had believed. Honestly? I was shaken. It didn't bother me to know I wouldn't be a boy, but it really shook me to learn something I absolutely KNEW to be true, something no one had taught me or told me but seemed clearly at the base of reality and hence not in need of teaching or telling, was wrong.  

I was a lucky little girl. My mom was kind. She didn't ignore me or find me silly. She also didn't take my misunderstanding so seriously that she felt compelled to over-explain, push, or worry. She simply listened to me as though my thoughts mattered and told me what she knew to be true, and let me assimilate it all in my own way.

However, I didn't like it. At first. It is an uncomfortable position to find yourself, having to reexamine everything you think and believe when discovering it was built around something you hadn't examined and had simply presumed, and now you need to start at the center of your belief building in order to reorganize and look for places you may have made other errors or, painfully, embarrassed yourself. 

How many times, I wondered, had I said around friends, "When I'm a boy, I will/won't...."? What had they thought of me? What had they said behind my back? How many times, I also wondered, had I made plans for my future that depended on me being a boy? Or a man? It was quite a lot. And now everything had changed and my world had been rocked. 

I would begin imagining a different me for my future.

Back then, though, I was still young. Still used to being wrong and learning the stuff we build our beliefs around. So it wasn't as painful or challenging as it is now, now that I've built so much and so high and so far and so deep that making a change at the center of it is far reaching and means so much more work and, yes, can be more embarrassing.

If you know me well, you already know this story. Of me thinking people were born one gender and then turned into the other. You know this story because I keep it around, it helps to remember it. Remember how certain I was it was true, how gracefully my mom helped me rethink it, and how many things I felt upon having to make the change. Ultimately, I was happy. Because I did like being a girl. And I especially liked knowing one day I would be a woman; a mom.

It's worth remembering that even as we grow older and wiser, we still believe things that are wrong. It's okay, and it's universal. Hopefully, we will rethink gracefully and share our beliefs with both a willingness to change and an understanding that others might be shocked by our revelations and, themselves, choose to change.

Some changes do just happen to us: most of us who are born girls do become women when puberty happens.

Some changes are chosen: some of us who are born girls want to become boys and find ways to do so.

Whether the change happens or is chosen, we can always be open and able to reevaluating the foundation and beliefs we are growing them out of.

I was born a girl.
Beyond that, I am mostly building the rest.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!! 

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

*I'm not sure mom said that part, about being able to choose to become a boy, but I know she might have. And I remember thinking it at that time, so she probably either said it, eluded to it, or simply left room for me to consider it.

Autism Answer: Sexuality is Often Fluid

 

icicle

 

It is #PRIDE month. If the energy and camaraderie of this gives your child the confidence or desire to come out, to tell their family and friends that they are gay, trans, nonbinary, bisexual, asexual, queer - I have a simple suggestion.

 

Believe them. Accept their version of who they tell you they are, appreciate the courage they are showing, and give them space to discover. 

 

Keep in mind, sexuality is often fluid. So if your child is gay today and nonbinary tomorrow, don't presume it's because they're making it up or just trying to jump on a trend. It's quite likely they're simply evolving. 

If your child has been afraid to reveal their sexuality and struggled to understand it quietly then they have also been building walls and inventing stories to change, accept, challenge, hate, and love themselves. Coming out doesn't magically make those narratives disappear or push them easily into the past.

 

And yes, as with all of our children, (but not us adults, no, never us adults) they could be jumping on a trend. It could be they want so bad to be an ally they take on a role, or they want attention, or they're simply curious.  It can be tempting as parents to aggressively try to figure out which it is but that's a mistake. 

 

Most of our children are going to try on identities in reaction to trends, and most of them will do things, make memories, that create issues they'll have to deal with. But ultimately we help our youth most when we accept who they are, ask how we can be good allies, and imagine futures where they are who they say they are. 

 

In this environment of acceptance and freedom I believe our children are most likely to change in their own healthiest and happiest directions. It may be that they continue to be bisexual or asexual. It may be that they are and always have been gay. It may be that they don't quite know who or how they love but they do want love. I don't think this means we stay completely hands off and just nod in acceptance as they work to figure out who they are, particularly where our more socially challenged loved ones are concerned. This is a time when our guidance is especially important. (Though, admittedly, appropriate appreciation from our teens and young adults will almost certainly be severely lacking. )

 

I think we're likely to be the most helpful to our kids by knowing we love them, knowing we want them to be caring and to be cared for in any relationship, and moving forward with them and that in mind.

 

In this environment I believe our children, our families, and our societies are most likely to change in their own healthiest and inclusive directions. 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Disability in Erotica

Disclaimer: I do not read, write, listen to, or watch erotica. Often. 

I am, however, living in this world so I do stumble across it. And I am a sexual woman who's had reactions that tickle and sometimes ignite certain senses, usually unexpectedly and with a blush of titillation and surprise. 

Sometimes, admittedly, I've looked furtively and cautiously around to check the absolute status of my privacy and have allowed that titillation to mature into the commanding pleasure it hints at, and we've worked together to grow that potential into promise. But, usually, I giggle and tickle and walk away. 

Yet, even without any immersion or innate interest in erotica, I have noticed a couple things. 

Firstly, I am affected by it. Not only in the moment of meeting it, but in my moments of intimacy – both alone and with a partner – as well. In my mind I've played images I've seen, read or heard about. I've imagined I look different, more like the desirable women described or pictured. I've hoped I was making the right sounds and movements so my partner would be as pleased as he would be if having an encounter with women in stories and sexy films. 

Secondly, I don't see a lot of variety. Sure, there are smaller, bigger, a few different colours and a sampling of different preferences. If you're looking for taboo encounters between able-bodied fairly attractive not too old adults, I dare you to avoid it for any real length of time. As I mentioned, I don't seek erotica or porn, but it happens to me. (To be clear: I don't mostly mind.) 

These two things are different issues that might have one solution. The way I'm affected by erotica is personal, I know that. I have my own insecurities and interpretations. Also, I don't actually watch, read, or listen to much erotica so I'm limited in how I understand it. But still, I feel confident that if there were more variety, more types of bodies and the inclusion of sensory challenges creating stories that illuminate needs we often think are limited to us alone, that leave us out of the sexy narrative – more of us would feel comfortable sexually. When we cannot see ourselves in these erotic scenarios that bring millions of people to websites and channels around the world, it most often plants the feeling that we are not desirable or worth the work. 

I am not an expert, obviously, in erotica, porn, or the culture of it. I have admitted more than once already that I don't seek it and rarely take the time to enjoy it. Yet I know it's a real issue. Because, clearly, if I want to see disability represented graciously in erotica it's clear I'd have to work to find it. And according to disabled friends, I'd have to work especially hard to find erotica that stars disabled roles exhibiting agency and desire rather than just as a fetish or novelty. 

I am a straight, able-bodied, unremarkable looking white woman in her 40s. It's not a challenge to see myself represented, and yet even I struggle to feel desirable and intuitive in the bedroom. Again, this is common but personal. Yet I truly believe it would be easier for me to feel free to explore my personal sexual side if there was more variety in the representation of sex, desirability, and bedroom moves. 

A part of my personal issue has to do with how almost like the sexy ladies in literature and on screen I am. The seed has been planted that if I try I can be like them. And because they are the ones people seem to want to see, well, clearly I ought to give it a go. (It's tempting to add a few paragraphs about how I don't like being seen because I'm shy, and how it's important that we don't sculpt ourselves into something to be seen but rather create ourselves based on who we are and who we are proud of being, but that takes us too far away from the truth that these are common things to remind ourselves of because we're contending with a common desire to be seek-ed and seen. Even the shy among us.) 

Interestingly, I often feel more deeply understood and comfortable with my vulnerabilities when I read, watch, or listen to something written by someone drastically different from myself. Someone with disabilities, a boy deciding what it is to be a man, someone growing up in a vastly different culture than my own, these are a few examples of protagonists who have illuminated me to myself. By having such unique experiences from my own they are able to reveal things in ways I was too close-in to realize. 

Less surprisingly, they have helped me see people other than myself clearer, too. They have helped me notice others differently. They have helped me understand my brothers (my mom adopted four boys with autism and various other diagnosis) when they want to talk to me, their big sister, about the unique challenges they face, and interests they have, in the world of romance and sex. By representing themselves and the way they experience the world, they have given me the gift of seeing and of trying to understand. 

They have given me a feeling of kinship with, and interest in, differences. 

If I saw more of that in stories about sex and sexuality, I couldn't help but be more comfortable exploring my own differences. My own uniqueness. My own desires and pleasure points. I'd be more comfortable asking for and seeking my partner's uniqueness, desires, and pleasure points. I'd probably be better at recognizing them, too. 

The only way to authentically shift the genre of erotica into a more diverse and inclusive place is to include diverse artists. My guess is these artists are more likely to create erotic art when they see themselves represented in it. 

Luckily, there are always a few outliers and brave creatives doing what needs to be done. 

So for those of you that seek and see erotica, those of you who like to listen to or read sexy stories, I hope you'll take the extra time to find something different. Something that explores a body you are unused to seeing. Not every time, of course. But now and then. 

Perhaps you'll find something surprisingly sexy! And even if that isn't your experience, at least you'll know you're giving some – ahem – exposure to people who are publicly exploring their intimate selves in hopes of being experienced. 

 ____ 

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Gatherings and Inclusion In The Wake of COVID-19 (Dallas Pride Festival Date Change)

This article originally appeared at SexualDiversity.org

Gatherings have long played an important role for people in society. 

Yet, for some, they are more urgent and necessary than others. 

For many people in the LGBTQ community, a Pride Festival or parade, a drag show, or other similar events are the first or only place they feel accepted and included. 

Declyn being crowned Miss. Homegirl 2017 as Pa'Jama

I live in a small town not too far from Dallas, TX. My youngest son and I planned on attending the Dallas Pride Festival (perhaps volunteering as well) this year, for our first time. 

However, as with most events in the wake of COVID-19, for the health of our world the date has been rescheduled. Now, I personally approve of and appreciate this. However, I also wonder if the new date (July 25, 2020) will remain safe. And even so, what sorts of changes will be made to how we celebrate as a group.

And I confess, I do hope we make some long-lasting changes. 

It has long seemed unfortunate to me that we are aware of our contamination of each other yet we do little to make changes. We’re made to feel weak if we do not go to work sick, and we’re unlikely to get paid. We apologize when we ask to not shake hands, we make fun of folks who are overly cautious “germaphobes.” School days are counted and parents are threatened with visits from authorities if too many are missed, making staying home when sick or when we are aware of sickness in the school a dangerous option. We spread disease and viruses comfortably, even proudly. 

I believe it is healthy to get sick. And so there is no part of me that hopes we change so much after this pandemic we are frightened to touch, to reach out, to gather together. 

But, we can’t unsee what we’ve seen. And we can’t unlearn what we’ve learned. 

Well we can. But we shouldn’t unlearn it. 

If you will humor me, please step a little further into the idea of how we contaminate each other. 

It is often considered weak to listen and care about the difficulties and systemic challenges in the lives of people other than us. We are encouraged to be empathetic to a point, but when that empathy threatens to change us, change our minds, we are too often seen as weak and naïve. Easily swayed. Not strong in our convictions. 

This is dangerous. And we infect and contaminate and make each other sick with this attitude. 

Admittedly, there is a balance to be had. There is truth in not wanting to be easily talked out of your values or beliefs. But we must be willing to change them as well. It is necessary for a healthy society to continually adjust and find balance. Balance is something we continuously do, though sometimes it is clearer than other times when our balance is off. However, it is always something we are doing and should pay attention to. 

For many of us, gatherings and events, such as Pride Festivals, are nearly necessary for our mental health and happiness. But so is learning from experience (such as COVID) to make adjustments for the sake of our holistic health. 

Declyn

My son and I are looking forward to the Pride Festival in Dallas! And I expect it will not be like previous festivals, but will offer what previous festivals were there to celebrate: diversity, inclusion, and the LGBTQ culture. And that, my thoughtful reader, is our reason is for attending. 

Dallas Pride Festival in the Park – Saturday July 25, 2020 FAIR PARK

I encourage you to look up any new dates or plans for your local Pride Festivals and Events.