Autism Answer: The "Cure" Conundrum

I believe (and have seen!) that autistic people can learn to be comfortable in their skin. Often that means finding ways to handle and even change things like synesthesia (a confusion of senses ie seeing sound, tasting shapes etc.), sensory challenges, tics etc... 

Sometimes --as is the case with my mom and two of my sons and three of my brothers-- the challenges can change to the point of no longer having them! I have three of four autistic brothers who are no longer autistic. Not because of a cure, but because my mom believed in them, found different therapies that worked for different brains (neurofeedback worked for all of them, but two didn't need it to get off the spectrum) and never ever let them give up.

My still autistic brother is my mom's slow moving miracle. The goal isn't to get rid of autism, but rather to be happy and comfortable. My still autistic brother mostly is!! And he continues to gain skills and work toward goals. Not no longer autistic goals, just happy comfortable goals! Also, he is engaged to be married to a wonderful woman. Together they are enjoying the challenge of discovering important happy and comfortable relationship goals!

What I do hope is that autism will be part of a cure for our society's silly desire for order and convenience. Autism has helped me love all people, see difference with kindness and curiosity and believe in magic! Perhaps autism IS a cure of sorts!! 

We can ignore it, hide it, hate it, love it, need it, fear it... but I think we will likelier be happier if we choose to embrace the autism that surrounds us, and do our best to help guide our autistic loved ones to comfort. Some of that will require healing (it can't possibly be comfortable to feel pain from certain sounds and colors!) and sometimes we won't be diagnosable as autistic anymore. That's okay! 

Miracles are made with an eye on the goal (comfort and happiness for me!), a heck of a lot of hard work, and a belief in everyone's ability to gain skills and find comfort and value in their body and the world! 

I say Yes! to investigating causes and looking for ways to promote comfort and skill acquisition. I say Yes! to seeing our autistic loved ones as perfectly able and equally valuable, regardless of which skills they are able to acquire. I say Yes! to sharing our feelings regarding words and attitudes, while listening with curious interest to the feelings of others!

Perhaps instead of arguing for or against an autism cure, we can do our best to understand the discomforts, appreciate the challenges and look for ways to help our autistic loved ones and neighbors not have them anymore. 

Call it: people who care about and respect the comfort of others!

Which is precisely a cure our world can always use!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!

Please take a moment to enjoy this video of my wacky family sharing our ideas regarding autism and recovery... also, please note how gorgeous my sons are. tee hee!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSxnVOfnNdI

Autism Answer: Show And Teach, But Don't Judge

I remember when all four of my boys were little and I was often refereeing sibling battles. "I wanna be the red ranger!!" one son would cry, while an older brother stood his ground and stared menacingly, insisting, "You can NOT be the red ranger! You are the green ranger, and I'm the red ranger. You HAVE to go over THERE and call me to come help you. Because I AM the red ranger!!"

Sometimes, I would physically have to hold one back from another, or hug a broken hearted would-be red ranger while he cried.

It was not my job to judge their feelings as foolish or unimportant. It was my job to help them learn how to handle disappointments, disagreements, and let downs. It was my job to show them how to work together and gain skills through play. 

But sometimes, when they were threatening to hurt each other, or yelling cuss words across the room, insisting that it was THEIR turn to use the popcorn bowl, or HIS fault that the toy sword had to be broken to pieces because he wasn't playing the game properly, I would catch myself saying things like,"For goodness sake, it's just a bowl!" and "Who cares how he plays the game, you're being silly!" and "It's not like you're really the red ranger anyway, just let him be the red ranger. It's not a big deal!"

In all of these instances, I was kind of right. But my attitude was wrong. Our children's feelings about what matters to them are not silly or no big deal. And by judging their chosen issue as such, I was tearing them down.

I don't have much guilt over it. I built my boys up more than I tore them down. And when I would realize that an attitude I was wearing was less than flattering, I would find a more suitable one and change. However....

It took me longer to make this shift with my youngest brother. His emotional turmoil over calendar dates and car shapes lasted into his teens and early twenties. I told him they were ridiculous and silly. I told him to just stop it. I thought I was helping, because he was having a hard time making friends and so I said things like,"Because nobody wants to talk about something as dumb as what shapes the cars will be in 2016!"

But it was never my job to judge his feelings as foolish or unimportant. It was my job to help him learn how to handle disappointments, disagreements, and let downs. It was my job to show him how to work with others and gain skills. 

Small changes can make huge differences! Taking the time to offer coping skills and alternative passions, rather than judging existing ones, can be life changing for the entire family. And it was for us! Once I learned to do that for everyone I love, things got easier for all of us!

Some of the people in this story are autistic, and some aren't. But who is-- and who isn't-- is exactly not the point. 

It doesn't matter what age, challenge or culture you are, our issues and our feelings about them will be different. I couldn't care less if my kids eat pork at a friends house, while another family might be horribly offended. 

It is never our place to judge a person as ridiculous or bad because of what they have feelings about. It is our place, with family and friends, to help find ways of coping with disappointment, working toward goals and finding comfort in the world. 

Without judging what those goals or disappointments are.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: What's Your Story?

Someone asked me a while back: So--what's your story?

I told them this:

I was molested as a child and felt responsible for many of the struggles that followed.

I've lived life surrounded by autism (my mom and brothers were on the spectrum) and dealt with the guilt I felt for years as the sister who didn't truly believe. My brothers seemed so limited to me, and my mom so embarrassing! 

I was outwardly sweet but silently slightly resentful of my adopted sisters, who were beautiful and horribly harmed in the homes before ours. Their beauty could make me jealous and their true abuse made me feel like mine was silly. The guilt drove me to do some pretty wild thing... all in hopes of running away from it. All of these things (and many more!) are part of my life, and part of me.

But my story is simple. I am a mother who insists on discovering her passions, so that I can comfortably expect it of my children. I willingly--and with a curious nature--dive into my darkest thoughts to shed light. And then I share and suggest change! I choose to remember the me I once was without anger or judgment as a way to easily accept and believe in my own boys when they admit to similar thoughts and deeds. And in hopes that I can help them avoid much of it and make intentional change!

We are a mismatched family of colorful misfits, and acceptance has become our war cry! 

And I have chosen to reveal the importance of an accepting nature with volume, smiles and silly true stories!

My story is simple. I am a mom who knows what kind of world she wants for her children!

So--what's your story?

Hugs, smiles and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Sassy Semantics!

Would you describe your child as hyperactive or, instead, passionate and excited? Are you afraid of confrontation or flexible and open minded? Is your mother-in-law controlling and judgmental or extremely involved so she can control and judge... wait... that one didn't work. tee hee! You see what I'm getting at. 

What would happen if you chose to see the people around you in words that are positive and easy to work with?

If you're afraid that you won't then ask for appropriate behavior or change, I think your wrong! You will still ask for it, however you're more likely to ask for it with passionate excitement and a flexible open mind, rather than with frustration and fear of judgement from others. (Though, mother-in-laws might be exempt from this strategy!) 

Words are wonderful and powerful, so take advantage of that and be intentional with the ones you use. Both out in the world and in your mind! 

But please remember that words also come with their own personal meanings and history. The beauty and strength I feel behind the word fierce can bring fright and force to the mind of another. So be intentional with your own words... for you. And enjoy chatting with others about what their words mean... for them. 

Semantics are sassy! They challenge us with attitude. So let's go ahead and get sassy right back by enjoying their moxy and taking advantage of it for ourselves!! 

You might even accidentally rub off on your mother-in-law!! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Knee-Jerk Reactions

It's easy to love science, books, ideas, equations and analogies when they prove our own point. It's even more fun when they challenge us to step further down our path and grow an already budding understanding. However, when faced with a piece of news or information or idea that suggests we are completely wrong--or worse, complicit!--and have been making choices that have perhaps harmed us or our loved ones, it's much easier to just say no. 

I'll admit to having had many of these knee-jerk reactions. Like the doctors of old who refused to wash their hands when going from cadavers to laboring mothers (because if hand washing saved lives it would mean that they would have to accept having had a hand in killing patients when they hadn't known about hand washing) I have been known to not comfortably accept some new information. Worse, I've been known to get obnoxious about fighting for something just because I was doing it (or had done it) and I hated the idea that I had been so wrong. 

Luckily, I've become pretty comfortable (in recent years!) with the fact that it's okay to have been wrong, even if I may have caused harm, as long as I change the moment I realize I was wrong. So... 

If you learn something that challenges choices you have already made, don't automatically decide that it's garbage. Also, on the flip side, don't hurt yourself more by feeling like a horrible person. 

Take the time to decide if you believe this new information to be true, and if so... forgive yourself and change! 

All the ideas, science, beliefs and such out there are backed by smart, well-meaning people. It's more the refusal to be flexible and change with new information that harms us to a dangerous degree.

So, forgive your knee-jerk reactions. Then, be willing to think about them with an honest, open mind!! 

Hugs, smiles and love!!

Autism Answer: Spend Money for Halloween? No Thanks!

I am the mother of four boys. They are all teenagers now, but when they were small we rarely spent money on Halloween. We had a heck of a lot of fun, but spent no real amount of money. Here's how we did it!

FOR COSTUMES: We always had so much fun going through closets and our dress-up bin! Using our imaginations we would take clothes we already owned and invent characters (once my son was a pushy business man, another time my other son was Prince Charming dressed in civilian clothes, and yet another I used white pants, white shirt and toilet paper to create a ghost etc) and use markers for makeup or found Halloween makeup kits for a dollar. Other moms could likely use their own vanity bags. I just happen not to own any make-up myself. Also, we've always had a few costumes that one of us had bought at thrift stores and clearance bins during the off season. My boys have always loved dress-up, regardless of the season! So Yugioh and Power Rangers and Ninja outfits could always be invented as well.

FOR CANDY: This isn't applicable to us because our home is deep in the woods, we never have trick-or-treaters! It's too scary out here for even the bravest Ninja Turtle!!

FOR DECORATIONS: I always used the stuff my boys made at school, and then--again!--we would use our imaginations to turn stuff from around the house into something spooky. We used a black dress, fallen branches and a stuffed animal to make a scary monster one year. I think the pumpkin was the only thing I ever actually spent money on! It doesn't hurt that our house is spooky already, hiding deep in the woods, wild and unmanicured!

THE ATTITUDE: When handling Halloween I would focus most on the fun and take advantage of the yearly social skills teaching! Two of my sons had autism symptoms, including a need for social practice. For one son there was teaching him how to ask only one or two questions at each door, and to try and keep the questions on topic. My younger son had to be encouraged to walk up and willingly meet a new person and practice eye contact... all with the immediate reward of candy! And, of course, all four of my boys had the yearly opportunity to meet neighbors and learn how to handle a sugar high!

With the focus being on all of the fun learning opportunities, spending money was easier to avoid.

At least, it was for me!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

~I wrote this in answer to a reporter's query about saving money at Halloween and thought it would be fun to share here with my fabulous friends!! Hugs!!!~

My oldest son getting a marker made mustache!
At every house he'd be asked,"Who are you supposed to be?"
He had all kinds of fun answers! A homeless man. A retired plumber.
A cowboy who lost his hat... it was fun!!
And FREE!

Autism Answer: BREAK: "At night, I feel like a vampire"~ Three Days Grace

Authors Note: Sometimes, just for fun, I write blog posts on the Three Days Grace website. I take one of their song titles, and write something about my life that matches! On Halloween last year, I wrote this one!

It was Christmas, and I had saved up enough money to buy all four of my boys their very own MP3 players. Not iPods, but we are a family of torn jeans and hand me down shoes, so I was feeling proud! My youngest son was nine years old at the time, and the only song I had managed to download onto his player was BREAK, by Three Days Grace. Without a doubt, his favorite song, so he was happy!

That Christmas morning I watched him don his headphones and sing with passion and strength that one song, over and over. I couldn't help but marvel at how intuitive he was to relate so intensely with that song!

My youngest son showed symptoms of autism at a very early age. The sensory sensitivity, the social challenges as well as lack of eye contact. By the time he was nine he was able to handle his challenges rather well, but they were certainly still there. I used to send forms to his school explaining that he may throw-up if he saw something 'ugly'. He was always Mr. Popularity, but with great effort and only because without actively being a friend, he would feel afraid and disappear into himself. So he was a very active friend, but it exhausted him! 

I know that while listening and singing along to that particular song, my baby boy could express that feeling of wanting to just break away, to stop working so hard at being a friend and just relax; comfortably being himself. When he sang the lyrics, "If you can't stand, the way this place is," he got a little bit louder, and I couldn't help but wonder if he imagined this place as his autism or the neuro-typical world he was trying to live comfortably in.

That was a few years ago, and he has come a long way! He still struggles, but far less. He's still Mr. Popularity, but with more comfort. And he still loves BREAK by Three Days Grace, but in a more fun and inclusive way!

So when I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween the other day and he shrugged, I suggested a vampire and sang (to his great embarrassment!) 'At night, I feel like a vampire...."

My son just looked at me and said,"Maybe I'll just carry my costume and trick or treat as a kid who's tired of pretending to be something he's not. Do you think they'd still give me candy?"

They'd better kiddo!! They'd better!!

Happy Halloween!!!!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

My youngest son (the one making a heart on my dad's chest!)
with his brother and cousins: Halloween 2008

My dad has since passed away. Miss ya dad!