Autism Answer: No Means No - And Even More, You Need Permission

Me, thinking.

"What did I do? How did I screw up again? What is it about me? Why am I so weak and pathetic?"

Those are the things I wondered every time I was sexually harassed, molested, or raped.

"Well, it was only boob touching, it was only rubbing my bum, it was only uncomfortable sex, it wasn't me screaming and fighting and getting punched and stuff."

Those are the things I said when loved ones encouraged me to tell, to bring the incidents to the attention of authorities.

"No means no. Even if you think it's a game, even if nobody is screaming, no means no. Every time. Not only that, you need to get permission. You need to be told yes. Every time."

That was the thing a judge said when I did go to court, when I did listen to my sister and my mom and go to authorities.

It was a huge, huge, huge important thing. Because, you see, I hadn't known. My rapist hadn't known. We were equally surprised to learn it. I had felt certain that my promises of sexual interest the weeks before gave me next to no rights that day he showed up with a friend. I believed my tears and quiet pleas of, "no, I changed my mind," were, as my rapist said, unfair and invalid.

I had heard, of course, that no means no. I had heard it before that day. But I hadn't believed it. I hadn't seen it proved true in the the world. So, I hadn't really believed it. Not until that judge said it with such clarity from his important place in that room. 

I listen, we all listen, to authority and power in a different way than we listen outside of it.

When authority and power takes advantage, sexually and otherwise, we hear it different. We believe it different.We expect different things from ourselves and the people around us.

By that same token, though, when authority and power chooses to teach, example, and insist on equality, on kindness, on speaking up, we hear it different. We believe it different. We expect different things from ourselves and the people around us. 

I would like to say that when I left that court room I never blamed myself again. I'd like even more to say that I never had reason to wonder who's fault harassment and sexual abuse were. I can't say that. 

It still happened. In this world, where the culture is one that breeds a belief in "boys will be boys" and "what a cock tease" and "way to go man, high five" and "well, you shouldn't have been alone with him" it's more likely to happen than not, I fear. 

I can tell you, however, that I knew now that no means no. I knew that people had no right to touch my boobs or my bum without me telling them yes. And I knew I had no right to do such things to others without their permission. 

I can tell you that I started expecting different things from the world, and I started walking away and telling authorities when things were inappropriate. I had learned that sometimes people just don't know that what they are doing is wrong, and when they do know I have a right and responsibility to speak up so it might not happen to others.

"What did I do? How did I screw up again? What is it about me? Why am I so weak and pathetic?" This is one reason people don't tell when they are abused or harassed.But there are many others. Losing our jobs, thinking it's normal, knowing that other stronger women have been through more and handled it, these are a few other reasons. And there are more. 

Some people don't tell because they don't have the ability to. In the world of disability sexual abuse and harassment is a big problem. Also, pedophilia is a big problem. Disabled people and children are already too often taught by society that they ought to shut up and do what they are told. Often they are treated as less than or as lucky to be taken care of in the first place. Often, they just don't have the ability to speak at all because of their disability or young, young, young age. 

I wish I could gather everyone into that courtroom with me, everyone in the world, and we could listen together in the same way I listened that day. I wish everyone could hear, the way I heard - with conviction and belief and life changing tectonic plate shifting clarity - what I heard that judge say. 

  
"No means no. Even if you think it's a game, even if nobody is screaming, no means no. Every time. Not only that, you need to get permission. You need to be told yes. Every time."

If you ever catch yourself, as the done-to or the doer, justifying by thinking these sorts of things: 

"Well, it was only boob touching, it was only bum rubbing, it wasn't screaming and fighting and getting punched and stuff."

And there was not permission given, no clear "yes" offered, then something went wrong. (And where disabled people are concerned "yes" can be not enough, depending on the disability, and where children are concerned, just NO.)

Don't hate yourself. But take steps to change it. Reach out and apologize or admit your cruelty if you were the doer, talk to the safest person for you, in your situation, if you are the done-to. 

Sex and sexuality are interesting and exciting and filled with valuable fun, love, learning, and exploration. I encourage you to do the work of making sure it is done carefully and mindfully. 

We have to change the culture around this issue. We have to be not afraid to ask for sex while we aren't afraid to say no. We have to teach each other that it is never ever okay to push or force or sneak in unwelcome touches. 

No means no. And even more, you need permission. 

It's simple, really. 

Let's make sure everyone gets the memo. 

Let's change the culture.  

We've got to.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

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For more on this topic I suggest this article by my mom, Lynette Louise ("The Brain Broad"): When I Was Easy To Rape It Was Still Rape

As well as my mom's survivor spotlight on RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network): 

Survivor Spotlight Domestic Violence Awareness Month 

Also consider checking out this documentary that my mom was a part of: HUSH: Hollywood's Uncovered Sexual Harassment 

Or even purchase a copy of my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up where I talk candidly about being molested by my step-father and mention being groped by a fellow co-worker as well as threatened by a creepy phone repair man. I also tell the story of me raping a boyfriend. As is my habit I tell these stories with an eye on answers and hope. It is my intention to always tell the difficult stories, to not hide from them, while seeking helpful nuggets of wisdom and suggestions for change. My success rate is yet to be determined. Actually, scratch that. I am successful because my home and my life and my mind are healthy, happy, and safe. :D

 

Autism Answer: IMAGINE and Do

Me imagining.

IMAGINE: A culture where we don't ask our children to find a way to fit into society but, instead, we ask how we can shift society so it values and welcomes all of our children. 

Our culture is broken, friends. 

Now:
We tell our kids to sit, listen, focus, and to believe what we tell them. 

When we do this we harm them. We tell them with our actions and rules not to be wild or curious beyond our vision, we suggest that their natural inclinations make them "wrong" or "broken" and our chances for global health and happiness grow farther out of reach. We have so much power! 

Instead: 
Let's ask our kids to play, show, explore distractions and to believe they have the answers.

If we do this our world will shift - quickly! - and our health and happiness will be unavoidable. We will begin to remember who we are, and our values and celebrations will align more naturally with being human rather than fitting into schedules and prefabricated, made up, boxes. We have so much power!

IMAGINE: A culture where we remember that children are not less than but equal to, and diversity and difference are to be valued not restrained. 

Now, join me in doing some of the things we imagine. Be careful, don't get yourselves in trouble, friends. Society still holds the keys to locks that shouldn't exist. 

But if we all shift now, the changes will be profound!

And our children (and ourselves) will grow into who they were born to be!

We have so much power!

Let's share it with our young ones and show them how to use it with kindness.

IMAGINE: And do! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My sister's youngest daughter and my youngest son, imagining and exploring.

 

Autism Answer: Why It's Easy For Me To Open My Borders

Things People Told My Mom Before She Adopted My Siblings: 

"This one is blind and deaf. He can't control his bowels and doesn't sleep and your whole family will have to deal with it. He's feral and won't ever be able to learn. You'll be keeping him until a bed is available at the institution. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"He's dangerous. You'll have to teach the family to protect themselves and to hide their weaknesses. He's small but he's mean. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"She's been abused so much there's nothing good left in her. She lies and takes advantage of anyone and everyone, don't believe it when she says she loves you. It's not her fault but it's not your problem either, and you have other children to protect. Are you sure you want to do this?"

I could go on and on and on. These people were well meaning but terrifically misguided.

My mom -- Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad--has always exampled love, hard work, strong expectations and raising the bar. But never has she taught us to permanently close our hearts or our door. 

And when mom did cave into the pressure and judgements of others for a short time, attempting to keep dangers at bay and to find folks focused on protecting us, when she doubted her instincts and thought perhaps others were right, in those few years we were hurt. We were left feeling lost and afraid, acutely aware of the monsters in our midst but unable to easily identify them, and we were taken dangerous and cruel advantage of. 

It is with the greatest of gratitude that I appreciate and love my mom for having the strength and vision to choose love and open borders again.

I am the oldest daughter of eight kids, six were adopted. My mom has continuously invited people to live with us for temporary stints (she has a filmmaker from Uganda staying with her right now). My life and the lives of my siblings have been forever and infinitely made better because of this. 

Yes, there have been mountain sized challenges and scary moments, we have had to say "no" with strong love and a belief in each other now and then. Mom has had to offer love and help to people in a dangerous frame of mind while being smart and careful about it, without inviting them to live with in our home, though she still helped. There have been confusing times of deep introspection where we had to keep careful watch on the balance between kindness and blindness; knowing that, always, kindness is possible.

So, yes, like with all lives there have been times of inconvenience. 

But there have been no regrets. 

Love, gratitude, laughter, tears, support, worry, adventure: yes. 

Regrets: no.

We are best and beautiful when we don't let our fears control us. 

Keeping our eyes open to the true nature of beings is brilliant, it helps us to stay safe while we remain willing and able to see the value within. 

It helps us stay safe while we open the borders of our hearts and open our doors.

Open hearts and open doors is a gift my mom is always strong and kind enough to offer. 

I try to follow in her footsteps.
I invite you to join me!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Mostly my family, plus one more. Which, in truth, is fully my family!

Autism Answer: Be Strong And Smart And Loving Enough To Listen

When my four sons were itty bitty adorable snuggle bugs I used to playfully whine and beg them for hugs. I felt like I was being fun and reminding them in silly ways how much I love them. 

One day my second oldest son (who liked snuggles least of all) said with clarity, and a bit of anger, "You always say that rape is bad, but then you don't listen when we say no to your hugs. It's like your saying one thing and doing a different thing. It's snuggle rape." 

Wow! My son was only about seven at the time but he was absolutely right! It hurt me to remember all of the times I'd insisted and begged and believed I was doing the right thing. I apologized and made a promise to always wait for permission. You know, as long as they promised to remember that I always love them and always want a snuggle! tee hee! 

Now that my sons are all teenagers and adults I'm so glad that I listened to my darling boy that day. 

Not only are my young men growing into fantastic people, but we are (mostly) comfortable talking about the so many important lessons we learned on that day. Not only when it comes to sex, but when it comes to how we treat others in general. Especially the importance of listening when they tell us how we're making them feel. 

One thing we've all been encouraged to learn in the autism world is the concretely different ways the world behaves and feels and smells and looks from person to person. For people with sensory issues or unusual pathways and connections in their brains, this is especially true. So even if a person appears to be the same as you--the same color, religion, and sex--they aren't. Possibly they are drastically different!

Very often we have lovely intentions and it can be easy to roll our eyes at people who tell us our actions make them feel perpetrated on. What a dangerous and cruel mistake! 

My son was strong and smart and stood up to me that day. And I was strong and smart and loving enough to listen. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
(But only if you want it! Giggle!)
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

                                                                                                                                                      

Author's Invitation: Yesterday I enjoyed being interviewed about my book Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself on the podcast Envision This! We talked about parenting, autism, poverty, mixed-race relationships, and living on the edge of society. I also spent some time explaining more about the importance of listening to others. I hope you'll head over and have a listen! Not only was the conversation fun but they also played never before heard studio recordings of my song (Sexy Daydreams) and my son's song (Brothers)!!!! Enjoy!!! 

Autism Answer: The Baltimore Riots and The Incredible Hulk #NationalSuperHeroDay

Trending: 
#NationalSuperHeroDay
#BaltimoreRiots
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The downtrodden need to remain passionate so as not to become complacent, without ever exploding in anger. It's not fair but it's necessary. 

Like Bruce Banner, they/we need to keep an eye on our rights and walk the edge of justified insistence when it comes to being treated fairly--without tripping over into blind anger. 

Again I admit, it's not fair but it's necessary.

It's hard to walk that line. 

When you're constantly treated as though your life is "less than" or as though being treated fairly is a gift you should be grateful for, then you  have to choose between giving up and pretending it's okay, or insisting on change and engaging in civil disobedience. It's an exhausting way to live.

And change is slow moving. So, sometimes people explode. Which is so sad and brings the movement farther away from where it needs to be. 

In Baltimore there were protests and pleas to look deeper into the possibility of police brutality and prejudice, following the death of Freddie Gray--a twenty-five year old black man who was arrested pretty peaceably but then died of an as yet unexplained spinal cord injury while in police custody. It's all pretty shady and not-so transparent. But also, it's all too familiar and easy for folks to make assumptions. Assumptions that grow out of the world they live in. 

In Baltimore there were protests. 

But there were also violent riots and heavy looting.  

And that's why I thought of Bruce Banner. 

He turns into The Hulk when he's angry, and he destroys everything in the process. His life, his city, his possibilities for a future. But if he doesn't stay at least a little bit angry then he also loses control of his life. He has to hide away from society, become useless, and be afraid of accidentally becoming angry. 

A line in The Avengers film offered by Bruce Banner (played by the ever sexy--oops! I mean talented--Mark Ruffalo) really resonates for me today. Throughout the movie the superheros wonder what his secret is, how it is that he mostly stays in control and doesn't turn into The Hulk. In the end, during the epic and obligatory end-of-a-Hollywood-action-movie battle, when they need The Hulk to appear and so tell Bruce to go ahead and get angry, he lets us in on his trick. "That's my secret," he says as he begins to turn green. "I'm always angry."

Now, I don't know that the downtrodden need to stay always angry. But they/we do need to stay always aware and brave. Willing to step up and insist on fairness or change, without tripping over into blind anger. It's emotionally and physically exhausting.

It's not fair.
And hopefully one day it won't be necessary. 

My heart goes out to those in Baltimore and elsewhere. Scrambling to get a foothold on how to express a passion and truth that needs to be acknowledged. 

Already many superheros have emerged. Volunteers and leaders changing the tone and insisting that the reason for the outburst not get lost in the rubble of the rioting. 

I stand with them and I hear their message.  


Hugs, smiles, and love.
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Yes, I did just compare the Baltimore Riots and a Civil Rights movement to Bruce Banner and The Incredible Hulk. Yes, my mind works in mysterious ways. But in my defense I have four sons! And an itty bitty crush on Mark Ruffalo!!