Autism asks challenging questions, begs us to think outside the box and then...Autism Answers! Musings, shared family stories, book reviews, and short fiction. My posts are rarely specifically about autism or parenting. They are, however, almost always stories grown from the fertile and organic thinking soil that can be found where the two come together.
I wrote another song. Weird, right? I mean, I'm not a songwriter. But I am a writer so I suppose songs happening isn't that unbelievable. :D This one was inspired by the #MeToo movement. Quite different from my last song (Sexy Daydreams, My Life Is Awesome) which was inspired by me loving and celebrating every little thing about my life. Yet also quite the same since it was inspired by my life. Anyway, here is a video of me singing it.
And here are the lyrics: Alibi written by Tsara Shelton I was sleeping when he came in he was touching I was frightened Why do I cry when it's not my crime, I am my own alibi I was drinking he was driving lying, trying to keep me quiet Why do I cry when it's not my crime, I am my own alibi He was kindly saying "no, please" I was pushing hardly listening Why do I cry when it is my crime, I am my own alibi They were growing I am teaching wanting, needing to do this right Why do I cry when it is my crime, I am my own alibi Why do I cry while I do try to stop this crime I'm my alibi
A while back I saw this question online: Do Many Mothers Co-Sleep With Their Sons?
As a mother of four sons who is a fan of co-sleeping I was happily compelled to answer. I thought it might be fun to share that answer here with you.
My Answer:
Well, I don’t know about “many” but I’m happy to share about “me."
I have four sons and they all slept with me.
I had no worries about co-sleeping except this: How will I know when it's time to no longer allow it?
It turns out that while I wondered, they answered. As they got older they themselves pushed away and all I had to do was allow it. So there wasn’t a time when I found myself pushing them to sleep alone. Sure, I encouraged and guided and nudged, but it wasn't much of a challenge. As they got older, they wanted it.
However, with all four of my sons this age came at a different time.
Now, my situation was certainly unique in that I was a single mother of three, and then a married mother of four, but my husband and I lived in two separate (but close) homes. So sleeping arrangements could easily and organically follow this rhythm.
We didn’t snuggle in the same bed every night - though some of my sons did more than others - and sometimes I slept with them in their beds. Also, we travel a lot and when sleeping together in cars, hotels, people’s homes, it was easy for us because we were already comfortable with sharing space.
My sons are mostly adults now - ranging in age from 17 to 23 - and they are healthy sleepers.
Admittedly, my 21 year old son complained to me the other day about one thing that might have been caused by all of this co-sleeping and snuggling. “You’ve turned me into a cuddle addict. It’s driving me and my girlfriend crazy! It’s like I’m begging her for a cuddle-hit all the time.” And though we laughed, it is actually true. He loves physical contact. However, he is also an easy sleeper with a lovely life and a healthy confidence. So, maybe it also gave him some of that. :D
The truth is, my four sons are all healthy young men who sleep well and are largely emotionally confident - though they are all definitely drastically different from each other! I don’t think any of that is because of the co-sleeping but I do honestly believe much of that is because of the reason for our co-sleeping. We did it because we were comfortable, happy, and followed our instincts more than our desire to be seen as “normal” or “right."
Oh, I should add this - in terms of ages, they were older than you might expect when they stopped snuggling me for sleep. They were all different ages but it was between eight and twelve. The son who was twelve is also the son who is the most quirky and unique. “A little bit autistic,” he calls himself.
And, indeed, my two youngest sons (one of whom is the gentleman referring to himself as, "A little bit autistic") do have symptoms of autism, though they've never been diagnosed. One of my younger sons doesn't sleep at night. Sleeping at night has never been natural for him but in his younger years, as a student of public school, he had no other choice. Having me snuggle and sing and chat and tell stories helped him find a way to get some sleep. And my very youngest son found comfort and good dreams with the sensory delight he discovered in playing his fingers through my hair. So we would snuggle, I would sing, he would wrap his hungry fingers through my hair, slowly getting less and less needy, first as the evening went on and then, over the course of years, as days and weeks went on. Eventually, he no longer felt compelled to play with my hair in order to destress and find comfort. Though he still sometimes touches it out of curiosity and nostalgia. I like it!
I am absolutely certain that if I was living with my husband for those years our sleeping arrangements would have been different. But even my hudnsnf is willing to follow what works in our family more than traditional norms. In fact, we live together now (with only two of our sons) and our bed is in the living-room. That way the boys have their own room and we are in the center of our small house where we can feel among everyone without being annoyingly close.
So, ya. That’s how we did it. I think it’s important for moms and dads to allow their children to push them away if they do choose to co-sleep, and I think it’s important not to do it at all if it feels overly uncomfortable or just wrong.
I think parenting is a lot about following instincts and working together with a willingness to be different and allowing the environment to play a role.
Position for Parenting Success by becoming your own expert.
The world of advice and experts is filled with people who will tell you what they think and what they’ve learned. And, just like you, they are not always right and they are not done learning. So listen openly but also always take the time to think about it for yourself. If you’re like me that means spending time alone. I am shy and nervous and believe what most people tell me, at first. And then I think about it. My instincts are surprisingly clever! Even whenI am not.
Position for Parenting Success by choosing for yourself.
You can let all of the contradictions frustrate and frighten you or you can let them set you free. Parenting advice is filled with strong, passionate, opposing views. I suggest listening to snippets of everything and then giving yourself the freedom to decide for yourself.
Now that you are a parent, you are going to learn more about who you are. More than you have in all the years leading up to now! Being a parent means being both leader and follower. Playing both roles for someone you love and care about in ways you've never before experienced.
Loving so deeply is possibly the greatest incentive for self-reflection and discovery.
Multitasking: Dancing, making coffee, sniffing armpit.
It doesn't feel good to be overly stinky. I don't really like it.
When stinky body odor first started to happen to me I happily reached for the grown-up feeling deodorant. Yes, at first I often forgot and would catch myself sweating with embarrassment around my peers. But soon, with motivation easily found - I was a teenager wanting to be discovered in certain ways by all the boys - it became a simple habit. Deodorant donned every morning without thought.
Many years later I began to pay closer attention to the buzzing and whispers I heard about the unhealthy ingredients in most deodorants. I wasn't anywhere near willing to quit it, but I heard myself explaining it to my sons and when buying them deodorants I would suggest minimal use.
Yes, I tried chemical free deodorants a bit. No, they didn't work for me. Although, I still sometimes used them.
A few years later I learned more about motivations, money, and health. Applying those learning's to deodorant I couldn't help but feel complicit and cruel. Where is the motivation for companies to create effective healthy deodorants that will help keep our entire society healthier (including my sons!) if consumers are easily buying the toxic stuff already available? The toxic buildup from deodorant is actually, really, truly affecting me and my family. It's not just a thing to say and know; it's a thing that's happening.
So, I went searching in earnest for sustainable, healthy, fair-trade type deodorants. I started sometimes making my own.
This is what I learned: Sometimes I stink a little. And that's okay. Most of the time I either smell fine thanks to a natural substance that I'm using and my healthy diet, or because that day I just happen to smell fine. Sometimes I even use good-ol-fashioned-not-good-for-me deodorant. There are events I go to (school concerts) where I decide to be certain of not stinking at all.
But sometimes, I stink a little. And that's okay. Seriously, what's so horrible about stinking a little? It's just my smell, my naturally occurring smell. Now, I don't think it's awesome to be absolutely stinky. That's often (though certainly not always) a sign of something unhealthy going on - stress, lack of self-care, poor butt-wiping skills, etc - but stinking a little bit some of the time is what I am. A living animal with scents and sounds and chin hair.
Here's my life lesson: Too often we cover up the truth of things with fancy smells regardless of the harm we're doing. If something doesn't stink, it's not so much offending us. But, that's proven itself to be a dangerous attitude! Sometimes the beautiful true nature of a thing will surprise, challenge, and even slightly offend us. Not because it's offensive but because we've been taught to be offended. And other times we avoid helping ourselves and others by dousing them in nice poisonous artificial smells. This is, again, our way of not being offended by something. But this time, maybe we should be offended. And we should do the work of making changes.
So, to sum up, covering ourselves and our issues in fancy smells regardless of who we may be hurting in the process is an all too socially accepted habit. One we might want to discontinue.
Also, when you and I meet for coffee, you might notice that I'm a little bit stinky. Lucky you! What a wonderful excuse to deeply inhale the delightful smell of your gorgeous scented beverage!! tee hee! Happy Friday, friends!! Hugs, smiles, and love!! Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)
When he was younger his hyper-empathy made him afraid to be out in the world. He hugged my leg tight and felt all the feelings. Sometimes it would be wonderful for him, particularly since I was sensitive to his sensitivities so chose our outings carefully, and mostly joy and comfort would be felt. However, too often other people's feelings of hurt or fear would be taken on by him. And so he avoided crowds - playlands and birthday parties, and he built (with purpose) an exhausting persona he could wear to school. A place where the passions run wild; unpredictable and caged into an unnatural setting.
DECLYN: "I don't know, I think I can do better. I didn't fully feel it this time. Kenickie acts cool, but he's really hurt."
Over the years he (with only a tiny bit of guidance from me and the many other grown-ups in his world) has found ways to best handle and even take advantage of his hyper-empathy. Leadership roles help because he can take over and push his uplifting belief in everyone onto the group. Of course, he's a teenager so this is sometimes done in an unbalanced way, but the idea is sound.
ME: "Well, you know I'll be at all three performances so I'll let you know if we feel it different as an audience next time."
But the role of actor seems to suit him gorgeously! He can channel that hyper-empathy, examine it, wear it on stage, and then cast it off at the end of the show. Even though his empathy isn't easily cast off (or he would likely have learned to do that long ago) he can consider moments of overwhelming emotion shared from others as learnings, as research. As an actor, you do feel other's feelings. You feel them and you harness them and you show them. Then, you put them away.
DECLYN: "Thanks! It's not as challenging as it could have been. The girl playing Rizzo is good so it makes it easier for me."
Acting could be a dangerous thing for someone with his social challenge - a hyper-empathy mixed with a strong feeling of self-importance - but it can also be a brilliant place for exploring and channeling and using his passion wisely.
ME: "Ya, you have a great cast! It's fantastic to see how well you all work together. The way you help each other shine."
As a mom watching her youngest son sort out who he is and how to make the best of that, well, I'm overwhelmed with love, happiness, and gratitude to watch him choose to make acting brilliant for himself.
Also, I'm totally lucky to have been in the audience for Grease (three times!!) and can't wait for their next production!!
I hope with all of my heart that you and your loved ones are always able to discover ways to bring out the best in your gifts/challenges!!
I am
happiest and most effective in everything I do when I trim my news time
down to less than an hour a day. IMPORTANT: LESS than an hour a day.
Local, global, sports, niche (autism, environment, race relations,
etc.) news explored via trusted and solutions minded sources for LESS
than an hour a day is my sweet spot.
I feel aware, awake, and educated while I also feel happy, able, and action oriented.
My suggestion, friends, is to find your sweet spot! Don't avoid the
news entirely (good journalists - and activists - put their lives on the
line to bring us truth) but also make it a rule to barely acknowledge
the viral "news" (almost always click bait, propaganda, and lazy lies
that are guaranteed to poke at your animal brain and make you share -
this includes a whole host of overly simplified "feel good" stories that
play irresponsibly with pity language at the expense of entire people
and populations).
Do your best to find a news source that brings
you news highlighting solutions; ideally, highlighting already in
action solutions while offering ideas for more. News sources that
highlight solutions will still bring you the "bad" news, so don't worry
about being fooled into complacency. In fact, they tend to fuel you into
action by helping you know what works, explaining what doesn't and why,
and giving you an understanding that you are not alone, and that you
can make a difference.
Most importantly, though, spend more time
with your own observations and loved ones that with those being brought
to you by others.
Our autism community is filled with tons and
tons of issues we disagree on. Language, therapies, vaccines, and more.
Yet, we are seekers of solutions that come from an intense place of
love. When we spend more time seeking our solutions based on our
observations, and some time seeking solutions based on the experiences
and expertise out in the world, we tend to be happier and more
effective.
So, let's always do that! Learn from those out there
doing the work of investigating and sharing what they know. Use it as a
reference for YOU, you who are also doing the work and investigating. You are
the best source for your story, your solutions, and your news.
Be a consistent, strong, and willing source for your story. The first and last source; every day.
Yesterday was unusual; I
felt curiously worthless. Today is far more common; I'm happily aware of
my worth and comfortable. But because of yesterday, I'm also filled
with purpose. I'm picking up a few pieces of me that I had been ignoring
and avoiding. Yesterday was unusual, but I'm making sure it wasn't
useless.
We all have rough days. We all have days where we feel
down about ourselves or uncertain of our value. Those days are likely more about
our hormones or lack of sleep or a brain with too much delta where there should be beta, and less about who we are holistically. We can
choose to "get through" those days, or take advantage of them. [The link I included with the delta/beta bit goes to Brain & Body, The Brain Broad's site that shares a bit more about neurofeedback and teaching our brains to change our lives.]
When I'm having an "I suck" day, my brain (as it is set up to do) looks
for proof. Now, I have to be careful because generally that proof is
bogus. But always it also points to something I've been ignoring,
procrastination, avoiding, or simply wondering about; in or of myself or
my life.
So rather than just "getting through" the rough days, I
try to use them. Like any good narcissist I make it all about me and my
needs. tee hee!
I believe that yesterday was unusual because I
respect and learn from my yesterdays. I make intentional decisions and
clever deductions. I allow my brain to show me some of the proof for my
worthlessness and then I purposely prove otherwise.
No one is worthless. No one. I believe that so completely it then
becomes easy to prove myself useful and of value. Even immediately after
a rough day where my hormones or air pollution or lack of sleep made me
feel otherwise.
I encourage you to believe in the absolute
value of everyone! It makes caring for yourself and
others quite easy. Suddenly even the roughest days and strangest
people have absolute worth absolutely worth seeking!
Yesterday was unusual; I felt
curiously worthless. Today is far more common; I'm happily aware of my
worth and comfortable. But because of yesterday, I'm also filled with
purpose.
And the first thing I purposely wanted to do was share this with you!!
*Author's Note: Please understand that I know narcissism is dangerous and not at all the same as putting yourself and your worth at the forefront of self discovery and self love. Narcissists don't practice caring about themselves or others. They care about power, winning, attention, etc. I was playful with the word in this post because sometimes people who do actively care about others and themselves worry about being self-centered or narcissistic. I think, though, that if we find ourselves caring about ourselves and others in a purposefully balanced way, we have proven we are not narcissistic. I'm not a doctor or diagnostician, just a mom and a writer and a thoughtful thinker, but there it is. One of my thoughts. Hugs!!
Friends, we are Leaders.
Whether we have the desire to be in Leadership roles or not, we are.
This is true of everyone some of the time, but for folks like us, folks
who live with autism (whether as autistic individuals ourselves or as
friends, professionals, and family members) we're in unique positions to
Lead and Teach.
And when we're not Leading, we are Following. We're choosing who to learn from and what Path to Success matches most our hopes,
dreams, and beliefs. Choosing effective and thoughtful Leaders is a
skill. A skill that we can learn; ideally, from several successful and
thoughtful Leaders!
I encourage you to take advantage of this FREE Virtual Leadership Summit. (Completely free, no sign ins or sign ups.) Presented by Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad
39 Leaders, from diverse backgrounds and places on their Success Path,
are interviewed and asked the same three questions. Successful business
owners, actors, comedians, image consultants, lawyers, inspirational
speakers, beauty experts, music makers; the list is impressive!
While all of the answers to the questions are different; similarities
and consistencies reveal themselves. There is soooooo much value in this
series! Personal stories (some exclusively told here!) and concrete
tips come together to paint a picture of Leadership that is clear;
though it will mean something slightly different for each viewer.
I look forward to learning what the strongest take-aways are for you!
HEADS UP MOBILE USERS: So, the web page looks pretty funny on your phone
at first. It appears as a long string of letters hanging down, slowly
growing smaller. Almost like a DNA strand! Go ahead and scroll down or, this works for most phones, turn your phone to the side
until you see the video and a user friendly list of individual speakers.
ADVANCED Leadership Invitation: If you are seeking to understand and use your Leadership role to it's fullest I encourage you to attend the Leadership Summit - Albany in November. It's a two- day conference committed to helping people establish, grow and
develop greater visions and values in their leadership. The speakers (and even many of the high profile attendees!) will be providing a unique blend of vision, inspiration, practical
skills and strategies that can be immediately applied in your career,
Leadership and life. The Albany Leadership Summit will take place November 10-11, 2016 at the Desmond Hotel in Albany, New York. Check it out, show your friends, and register before the seats are sold out! INSIDER TIP: If you can gather a group of four or more my mom, Lynette Louise, The Brain Broad, may be able to get you a group rate. Let us know if you're interested! EMAIL: tsarashelton [at] yahoo [dot] com. Put "Leadership Group Rate" in the subject line. Leadership Summit - Albany <---- Use that link, friends!
I've always felt more like an "accidental leader" because my natural inclination is to be the assistant, the helper, the friend who pitches in. And because of this I've learned to choose my Leaders well (after a few embarrassing and even dangerous mistakes in my youth!). Yet, as a mom, friend, writer, and autism sibling, I find myself in potentially powerful Leadership roles often. Luckily, my mom is an innately gifted Leader and so I learned from the best. Even so, reading her new book The Seven Senses of Leadership highlighted for me a few new concepts which I implemented right away. And then, when I was certain there couldn't possibly be more to learn, I watched the FREE Virtual Leadership Summit.... and, wow! I was reminded just how healthy and helpful it is to learn similar things over and over, from different stories and different styles. I felt renewed and powerful once again! Both of my roles, as Leader and Helper, are more powerful and intentional. All of our roles matter. It's smarter and more fun to play out or roles to the best of our abilities and with our own unique style! I hope you'll check out the Virtual Summit (completely FREE, no sign in or sign ups), the new book, and/or the Leadership Summit in Albany!
Some people chase their
dreams with focus and speed.
Me? I spend much of my time quietly
imagining and considering my hopes and dreams.
Interestingly, even
without intense purposeful focus on making my dreams come true, they all
have! I believe it's because I kept them alive, I envisioned them
clearly, and I was drawn in their direction.
Either way, regardless of our style, our dreams -- the ones we continually imagine -- will come true, if we allow them to. Some of us
create a clearer future when we're intense and focused, some of us
create a clearer future when we're relaxed and allowing, but all of us
create our future.
I've
watched everyone I love do it. The ones who were more "able" have
created no less and no more of the future they imagined than the ones
who were less "able".
And, luckily, in my family we have each
other to remind us to see that, indeed, our dreams did come true. They
just look a little different now that we're here.
Keep on
dreaming, friends! Focused and fast or taking the scenic route,
whichever works best for you. Either way, be willing to dream big! And
be willing to see the dream when you get it, although it will look
different. More REAL.
If Lynette Louise (my mom) can say that honestly, a woman who is famous
for dreaming the impossible, than so can we! And Lynette can say that
honestly. I know, I've seen it. I've seen her impossible dreams come
true.
"When I spend time in nature there is nothing telling me I can be
more beautiful, more successful, more intelligent, more appropriate,
more relevant. I just am." ~Me
Everywhere we look, everywhere we
listen, there are billboards, commercials, literature, and story topics
telling us "Seven Tips For Being Better At This" and "Ten Ways To Look More Beautiful Like That" and "Become More Successful By Doing These Things" or "Be
Like These Smart Famous People With These Five Changes" or "Know Your
Worth With This Trending New Thing" and "Find Happiness By Doing This."
So, everywhere we look, everywhere we listen, we're being told we can be
better, it's assumed we want to be better, we're told what better is.
There are many ways I've learned to mostly quiet the noise and,
instead, know that I am better and that I am successful and that I am
continuing to grow ever more so as I live my life with love, purpose,
and an open mind.
But nothing is quite as quick and healing for
me as nature. The entire sensory experience reminds me that I am enough.
That I am no more and no less relevant or successful or beautiful or
appropriate than I need to be. My habits and quirks fit just fine. My
looks are equally uninteresting and perfect. I breath, experience, and
contribute to the surroundings successfully. It's quite simple, really. I
am there and I am alive and I am thoughtful. My intelligence isn't
questioned. The trees, the birds, the snakes, the spiders, the weeds,
the seeds and fruits don't ask me to explain. My mind wanders and I know
enough; am smart enough. If a trick of nature captures me unaware and I
am hurt of killed it is not a waste, I am not a waste. I remain part of
the story. Beautiful enough, successful enough, relevant, and
intelligent.
I don't expect nature to do all of this for
everyone, of course. But I do hope with all of my heart that everyone
has a place where they get all of this. For me it's nature (and
dancing). For you, perhaps, it's building or cooking. Singing or golf.
But if you don't have something or somewhere that consistently gives you this
feeling, this "you are absolutely completely perfectly more than enough"
feeling, then I encourage you to find it.
NOTE: I invite you to enjoy this video where I sit in one of my favorite sneaky outdoor spots (a surprisingly wild area just behind my home) and tell a story/poem. The story itself is a tribute to both nature and stories. Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Author's Note: I wrote most of this post on my Facebook page in 2012. Seems like not much has changed, except perhaps we're deeper in the problem. I find that rather interesting and revealing.
Okay... don't run away! I know you don't want another political post. I'm not going to highlight politics so much as parenting. The
whole voting thing is beyond me, being a Canadian living
in TX I'm not invited to the voting party.
So I'll host my own party, in totally my style! I'm hoping you'll join in the games!
Today people are going to the
polls to support those they hope will have a role in government. I think
we can all agree that life will not be over if the folks we don't
want to win, win. Neither will it become simple and peaceful if the folks we do want to win, win, either. I'm
seeing an interesting parenting (autism or not) perspective here. Check
this out:
IT'S NOT THE END: When we discover what new laws
passed, what party will be the majority, who the presidential candidates will be, and eventually who the president for the following four years will be, yadda, yadda, it is a big deal, but it isn't the
end. It may be tempting to get angry or feel desolate. It may be
tempting to feel better than or like you've won. I say, don't! I say
celebrate if you want, feel bummed if you want, but then keep on
expecting and asking for change. PARENTING: When we discover that our kids have
autism, we can feel desolate or angry, just as having a child that's
terribly talented and well behaved can make us feel better than. Oops!
It's okay to take a moment to regroup, or to celebrate our children's
skills and abilities, but it's not the end. There will be more to do!
VOTE FOR WHAT YOU WANT: I hear and read lots of talk about voting
for the party or candidate that is more likely to win rather than the one you
actually support, just so that the party or candidate you don't want
will lose. I say, don't! I say, vote for what you want!PARENTING: If you see that
your child has an interest in mechanics, and the world tells you that
letting him learn with tools or getting your hopes too high is
dangerous, that you should maybe buy him a toy car but stick to skills
that are going to be easier, don't! Teach safety, follow interests and
motivators, learn together. Vote for what you want.
KNOW WHAT YOU WANT: Vote for what you want. Often that means taking time to get clarity on what that is. Too often we get caught in a stream of wanting what everyone else around us seems to be wanting, or wanting to fight against the stream. Politics is a justifiably passionate issue, whether we participate or not we are all affected. But when we take the time to know what we really want, rather than automatically wanting what our fellow "team mates" are saying we should want, we ask smarter questions and expect more authentic work from our politicians. PARENTING: Parenting opinions are also passionate, justifiably so. Our children deserve to have grown ups that debate, discuss, and explore parenting with passion and open minds. But even here we get caught up in a stream of wanting what everyone seems to be fighting for. The rights to an education! My child's independence! Manners! A job in the future for my kiddo! Talking! etc. These are all valuable things to want, but why do you want them? I'm willing to go out on a limb and guess it has something to do with loving your child and wanting them to feel valuable and happy. So, focus on that. Vote for that. Be sure you get to the core of what you and your child want, then help your child find, be, and practice the skills and hobbies that get them there. Help your child vote for what she wants! THERE ARE MORE OPTIONS: Mainstream media would have you believe that there are only a few options. Only a couple of political party. Pshaw! There's more out there, plenty of other qualified and brilliant options! Don't forget about third parties and independents and, well, maybe even you! PARENTING: Have you noticed how often mainstream therapies and education do more harm than good? Drug the kids to get through a school day? And that's normal? No thanks! There is so much more out there! Neurofeedback, diets, homeschooling, nature, apprenticing, painting, computer games, all kinds of things you can take advantage of to teach and help your loved ones! Be creative and personalize for what works with your beliefs, your child, and your home. There are more options than we can imagine, so go ahead and imagine! Invent, mix and match, have fun!
CAMPAIGN WITH
KINDNESS: I may not be able to vote, but I sure can be offended and
covered in poop with all the slinging that's been going on around me. And I've noticed that the negativity and fear have
pretty much spread like cancer. To the point where kids are crying
about it. I say, don't! I say, campaign with kindness! PARENTING: Our kids are
challenged. They have pains, pixelated vision, intention tremors, gut
issues, speech problems etc. that we could focus on and get upset about
or sad about or frightened about. OR we could focus on what's working,
the amazing attempts and accomplishments! We can get excited about ways to help solve the problems, rather than focus on the danger of the problems. This alone won't make the challenges go away, and believe me--they're not forgotten. But the shift in
attitude makes an amazing difference that's hard to believe!! We are more likely to find solutions, and in the meantime we're wearing a healthier attitude. One that our children will pick up on and hopefully hold onto. To be
constantly applauded for our attempts and achievements, to be consistently surrounded by the belief that we can figure this stuff out, is much more
motivating than being constantly told what not to do and what's wrong with us, even if told
kindly.
DON'T NOT VOTE: Lot's of people are just sick and tired
of the whole system. No matter who's in office, money in politics tends
to overwhelm even the fanciest and bravest of leaders. But when so many
people fought so hard, losing lives and freedom, for your right to vote,
your right to be heard, staying home isn't the best way to say
thank-you. So I say, don't! I say, speak up and be heard! For those of us that can't vote that means sharing our thoughts and spending our money with purpose. PARENTING: When my
brothers were adopted, autism was so rare hardly anyone had heard of it
or had a clue what they were looking at when seeing my brothers'
adorably odd (and often dangerous!) habits. All four of my brothers
could easily have been institutionalized, and my mom had to fight for
Dar not to be. But pioneers like my mom, and many other moms and
teachers and therapists before and after her, fought for their rights.
Fought (as much as it hurts my heart to say this!) to have my brothers
seen as people of value. So when you're told (by others or yourself) that
your child will never be able to lead a life of comfort or value,
don't give up and not vote! Be heard and make change! It's not always
going to be easy. Heck, it's rarely going to be easy, but it's always
going to be worth it!!
I just got back from driving my youngest
brother to the airport. He's on his way to California where he'll get to
see my mom, have a little neurofeedback and a short break from work.
Nothing fancy, nothing extraordinary. Except, because my mom voted for
him, supported him, campaigned with kindness and never gave up..... IT IS!!!!
So, in elections and laws and policy, speak up and vote for what you want rather than against what you don't want. And let's do the same in our parenting. When my sons or brothers used to stim, speak abruptly, have a meltdown, or seek sensory fulfillment by pressing lips on heaters or poking a stranger's boobs, it was my mom's innate understanding of helping them find what they could do to help themselves rather than focusing on what people didn't want them to do that gave them the tools they use today. She voted for what she, and they, wanted. Almost always.
Not only is that why everyone has gone waaaaaaaaaaay beyond what they were "supposed" to be able to do, but it's also why my mom (who is an excellent example of a visionary and a leader) could live her life knowing, confidently, that she consistently lived and voted for what she believed in.
Vote for what you want and know, with confidence, that you are backing up your beliefs by giving them your energy and your vote!
A little over a year ago I did
something that I wish people wouldn’t do. I won’t do it again but I’m deeply
happy that I did it.
I’d like to tell you about it. (This is
something I do like to do and I do
wish people would do! Telling a story about why we do the things we do even
when we don’t believe in the things we do!)
I love to read, especially novels. I
used to wish I could go to jail for about a year so that I would have the
opportunity to read and read and read without the feeling that I should be
cleaning my house or creating a fulfilling career.
So when self-publishing happened and
the world of books was becoming overwhelmed with stories that were raw and
unique, stories that may never have made their way into the world with all the gatekeepers
in the way, I was quickly thrilled!
And then I was quickly disappointed. I
understood, for possibly the first time, the value of gatekeepers. These were
people who could help an author hone their message and tweak their sentences
and revisit their characters until the truth of the story was clearly on
display. A story that, when done well, would still be entirely the author’s
story, just even more so.
As a reader I was merely disappointed
to learn this. As a reader it’s not such a big deal because I can continue to
trust recommendations and enjoy perusing and read-testing bookshelves in thrift
stores which offer obscure, eclectic, classic, previously experienced books.
But as a writer, I was deeply bothered.
I know how easy it is to feel so in love with something I’ve written that I’m
certain the message is clear and the story will connect with readers in magical
ways. Sway sweetly with the beat of the reader’s soul. As a writer I also know
how wrong I always am! Looking later I will see (with painfully stark clarity)
huge holes in my storytelling and lazy word choices. Words that sort of say
what I mean and take away from the experience of saying exactly what I mean. As
a writer I also know that what I don’t see, what I almost never see, are the grammatical
errors. I love to write but I’ve never loved to learn rules of writing.
Self-publishing is not bad, it is
indeed a wonderful and fantastic choice for writers and readers! But with all
of my reading heart I want us writers to keep in mind what we know. That we can’t
do it alone. That we need editors and beta-readers to give feedback and offer
thoughts. Sure, we know our story and our characters and our meaning more fully
than any editor or beta-reader ever could. It’s not our job to let them tell us
what to do or how to fix things, it’s our job to listen to feedback and learn
what others are understanding from our writing. Then we can decide what, how,
why, and if we’ll make changes.
By knowing what readers are understanding
(and this is where we need more than one early reader because everyone has
personal taste and opinions but when we have several readers we’ll uncover surprising
consistencies.) we’re are able to tweak those few things or overhaul entire
sections or add clarifying chapters. Whatever it takes to get feedback that is
more consistently feeding back to us writers what we intended to feed our
readers.
I love that I came to this conclusion
before I published my novel!
But why, then, did I publish
my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning
from Myself, without the aid of editors? Why was I okay with my only two
beta readers being my
mom and my sister? Beta-readers who loved the book and told me so
emphatically, as I knew they probably would since the book is basically me on
paper and they love me. Why did I figure that was good enough?
I mean… hello?!
Now, before I explain please
believe me that I do love my book, and I did work hard on it. I’m not so
uncaring about my writing that I just threw it out there without adjusting,
reworking, rethinking, and caring. And I’m certainly not so uninterested in
readers (I’m a reader who loves writing, not vice versa) that I figured they
didn’t deserve a book that was my best. I did my best. My best alone, without
doing the work of figuring out how to get editors and beta-readers.
Luckily, the feedback and
letters and reviews I’ve gotten have moved and surprised me in gorgeous ways! I
had no idea that even strangers would like my stories! However, I want to talk
about the feedback I’ve gotten that I would have fixed if I’d gotten it before
the book was published. (Only two reviewers have given me this feedback but it
stands out because I kind of wondered about it before I published the book.)
“My
overall idea of the author is that she’s full of life and has so much to share,
but maybe not enough self-confidence to focus it into a book with one running
theme - .”
“The
author is an excellent writer but this book doesn’t give the impression of professionalism,
the overall theme of the stories is vague and they aren’t told in chronological
order.”
FUNNY SIDENOTE: So far the reviews have
been overwhelmingly positive and even the two that included this “theme”
critique were overall positive reviews. But, as I’ve been warned by other
authors, it’s this critique that stands out to me as something I want to
address.
As a writer of blog posts and articles
I know that it’s not generally a good idea to let my feelings get in the way of
the truth that a person’s experience of my writing and ideas is completely
valid whether I wanted them to have that experience or not. And I’ve gotten
really truly good at valuing every single critique or comment without feeling
the need to explain myself or offer excuses for my choices. I like conversation
too much to want to turn it into “Well, what happened is…”
However, I like sharing experiences and
background stories even more! So let me tell you the story of how my book was
published a little bit before it was entirely ready, and why I’m so happy that
it happened.
What
happened is:
I'm writing a novel and want to take my
time (years, I expect) enjoying the process and making certain I do it right. Also,
I’ve wanted to have something else published first, for personal (and, I
guess, professional) reasons. Someone had commented on one of my stories “Collect
articles into a book,” and an idea was planted.
Noticing that I had grown up while
writing, a book blossomed. I chose to gather articles and ideas that mature over
time exampling, what I call, Intentional
Storytelling. This theme in my book stands out, and is unclear, and is deeply
true to me. The power of our stories lies in how we tell them. My stories are
not chronological, because maturing happens via memories that we understand in
new ways as life gives us new perspectives, but they are always told with the
intention of discovering beauty and freedom and myself. It is my hope that some
readers will be invited to do the same.
And, though I don’t generally like
reading collection of story type books myself (with the exception of The Tent by Margaret Atwood), I did love
my own. I wanted to share it with people. I started to research what to do next
and even wrote a query letter for literary agents and publishers.
That summer my husband won money with a
scratch-off lottery ticket and told me that, more than anything, he wanted to help
me make my dream come true. (Of course, this was after paying our debts and
buying more scratch tickets. Then making my dream come true was what he wanted
more than anything! Tee hee!)
I had already been researching various
hybrid type publishers and a friend of mine had used Archway Publishing with
happy results. So, I made a call and chose the package we could afford, the one
without editing and marketing. The process was pretty simple and quite
exciting!
My first book was published because my
husband wanted to play a role, a role that he would understand, in making my
dream came true. It was built because my sons were starting to follow their
dreams and I wanted to show them the value of doing it before we're ready. It
was also built in order to keep myself going. My main purpose, beyond my hubby
and my sons, became having something out there, something I could practice
marketing as a product of my own, and something that would help me have a
comfortable relationship with feedback and critiques.
Spinning in Circles
and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up is a gift to me, my readers, my
family, and my husband.
Especially my husband, who needed to be
here on this earth when my dream of publishing a book came true.
This is the story of why my book was
published when it was published.
Important to note, I don’t think my
book is any more ready or less ready for publication merely based on what
others think. It’s the consistent (like I said, twice) feedback that matched my
own concern that make me feel like I rushed it.
There are other things “wrong” with the
book. The title says nothing about autism or parenting (and there is plenty
about autism and parenting in the book!) and the grammar, though it gets better
as the book goes on, is never great. There is an annoying typo in the
introduction and I would like the book to be a little bit smaller in size. But these
are things that I either chose to do on purpose with my own honest meaning, or
things I’ll learn to do different next time.
Regarding
the not so excellent sentence structure or grammar in the book, I even had this
tid-bit in my original query letter: I love the concept of showing that we can all tell our stories with
confidence now, rather than waiting until we know exactly how,
while highlighting the value in discovering the skills of presentation and
storytelling along the way!
So when I’m asked about these issues I’m
more than happy to share my reasons! Often people don’t agree with my reasons
and often people do. But the thing is, I’m comfortable with them.
However, the slightly unclear theme of
the book (intentional storytelling) is something I was concerned about before
publishing and something I could have gotten help with had I taken the time.
Still, though, my book is quite good! I
know because I’ve read the reviews! Giggle!
Always we are in a position to consider
all of our motivators. In the case of my first book, having it published
slightly before it was completely ready even though I had a feeling it might
not be completely ready, in order to keep myself going and give my husband the
gift of giving me that gift, was absolutely right. Putting my book out into the
world moments before it was ready at the same time that I was watching my sons
go out into the world moments before they were ready had a delightful symmetry.
A little over a year ago I did
something that I wish people wouldn’t do by publishing a book without the aid
of editors and beta-readers. But I also did something I wish people would do,
by being clear about my motivators and priorities, and publishing a book when
the timing was right for me.
*Intentional Storytelling:
What I mean by that is nothing unique to me. I'm merely referring to the
habit I have of telling the story of my day, my moments, my life, my
neighbors, with intention. The intention to prove why it was a good day,
what was magical in the moment, how my life is fabulous, what my
neighbors do that amazes and intrigues me. This "intention" in my
storytelling doesn't make the story of my day any less true, I still
tell the story as it happened, but because the narration (in my head and
to my family and friends) is intended to discover happiness, goodness,
and value, I'm inclined to create, discover, and encourage it in return.
This is similar to what so many other people do, I'm sure! I just like
to use that name for it.
