Autism Answer: Another Fun Addition To My Life "Reel"

The young mom with three young kids sitting behind us on the Greyhound bus was really struggling. Her four year old son, the middle in age, was quite intense and defiant. He reminded me a lot of my two oldest boys when they were small!

At each stop people would try to switch seats, picking ones farther from this group of noisy troublemakers that once-upon-a-time could have (sort of) been my own.

Early on in the trip I chose a seat right in front of her and suggested my sons sit kitty-corner. For the next thirteen hours her kids climbed on me, sang with me, played super hero finger games with me, looked for magic in the scenery with me, and more!

Did it occur to me that others on the bus might notice my helpful, accepting attitude and shift their own? A little.

Did I hope the exhausted and trying to parent more for the sake of bus-mates than her children mom would get a break and regroup? Stop spanking and start playing? Kind of.

Did I imagine that the children and their mom would begin to have a fond memory of their Christmas Greyhound journey to California rather than an ugly, uncomfortable, and confusing trip? You bet.

Did I do it for any of these reasons? Nope.

I played, sang, sacrificed sleep and work, even some quality time with my own kids, because I wanted to enjoy my Greyhound Christmas journey to California. That wasn't very likely to be easy if I spent it judging, feeling sorry for, or attempting to drown out the struggling young family. We were in each others world, so I chose to play an active, helpful role.

For the last six hours of our trip to California, they were on a different bus than ours. At first I was relieved, then I was missing them. Today--five days after our Greyhound bus adventure-- I have a fond memory of my playful role, and of my boys watching the kids love me. Our Greyhound California journey was a fun success!

We're all here together, picking our roles. 

I think I've accumulated a fabulous "reel" of pretty sweet roles!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers

Autism Answer: Sometimes "Polite" Is Overrated

My youngest son sat in a seat on the crowded Greyhound bus. We are traveling as a group of three, two of us were able to find seats together while he sat alone with a stranger. I kept asking if he wanted to sit with his brother. He stared at me, not speaking. 

As we traveled I asked if he was hungry, he gave an almost invisible shake of his head. I asked if he needed anything, he looked at me and shrugged.

Everyone stared and I could hear the odd whisper, he should at least answer, they claimed. Kids these days, they mumbled.

I know more than they do. He is uncomfortable in crowds. Nervous about the trip. Handling things well. He sat quietly the whole way, barely saying a word.

Then...

We were waiting for our next bus, a transfer in Dallas, TX, when a gentleman asked for our attention and admitted he was humbling himself before the crowd. He needed eighteen dollars to be able to make it home for Christmas. He understood we were all struggling, but could we spare some change? A dollar?

As I reached for my dollar I could spare, my youngest son pulled out the money he'd been saving for weeks. Money for snacks on the trip, and gifts for his brothers when we reach California.

Quietly he gave the gentleman twenty dollars. He got him home for Christmas.

One of the whispering women from the previous bus saw the sneaky transaction and came over to hug him. She said to me,"You are raising a wonderful son, mamma. He was so quiet on the other bus, I didn't know..."

We wished each other a very Merry Christmas and boarded our separate buses.

Sometimes "polite" is overrated.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Merry Christmas!!
Autism Answers

Autism Answer: Inspiration Porn~A Different Way

My husband and I often get interesting reactions, just because we're together and in love. 

Sometimes we're glared at, or ignored when it's our turn at the check-out counter, or charged more for a tire than the person before us.

And sometimes we're told that we are inspiring, and amazing, and impressive! I used to appreciate these compliments when they were about our age difference (he's twenty-three years older than me) but would be quite bothered--maybe even a little bit knee-jerk reaction offended--when they were about our skin color difference.

My own reaction was telling: I did find our age difference worthy of inspiring, but never really considered our color difference at all interesting. 

My own prejudiced became clear: I thought our age difference was inspiring! And my husband's prediction (which I had often argued with him about!) proves correct; color difference bothers/inspires people. 

But now I see that to be offended is almost always and forever the wrong choice. If we inspire and amaze you... great!! Just because it shouldn't be amazing that we're together, doesn't mean I ought to be offended.

I should--and do!!--however react with honest surprise, and suggest that falling in love should have nothing to do with age, race, financial stability, religion, sex, or ability. It should have everything to do with who you love being with, and who helps bring out the best in you.

My husband loves all of our children with all of his heart, adores me and my quirks, and has helped me grow into a me that I love being. He also has really sexy arms!!!

Here's another truth that should be considered. It is harder for my husband and I when we go out together than it is for many couples. Yet, we go out. We are treated with stares of interest, distaste, or inspiration... but stares none-the-less. So... there is some truth to the fact that we are doing something ordinary, but that because it's more difficult for us it is slightly less ordinary. And we are sometimes tempted to quit. To stay home. To avoid confrontations and judgments; offered to us and our children. 

I choose to accept a little responsibility to not only allow a little inspiration to come our way, but to also go out even though it's challenging. Otherwise it will more likely remain challenging for future generations. 

If you inspire people, but feel it's for the wrong reasons, tell them!! But I suggest not being offended, because then you miss out on a most lovely opportunity to feel complimented, and to share a truth without judgments. 

A truth they might not want to hear, they might not be ready to hear, or...

They just might be.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers

A picture of me and my hubby.
Aren't we inspiring?!
xoxo

Author's Note: Inspiration porn is an image of a person with a disability doing something completely ordinary – like playing, or talking, or running, or winning, or hitting a tennis ball – carrying a caption that suggests “your excuse is invalid” or “before you quit, try”. The world of disability has many intelligent and emotional thoughts on what these images and messages are actually conveying, and I encourage you to listen to their views. Here I only share my own experience which is different, but similar. 

Autism Answer: Death Dreams and Desperation of a Young Mom

 
My sons are all grown or almost grown. Parenting young adult and teenage children has similarities to being the parent of very young ones. The overlaying fears, exhaustion, and all encompassing importance of the "parent" role is similar, though (thankfully!) less like a black hole. When you have teenagers, you've done some parenting growing-up yourself, and have the tools to get through it with most of your sanity intact. Meanwhile the memories of parenting small, needy children come back, almost like a dream. Distant enough to have become close to a novelty remembrance, a made-up representation of the realty it was. Almost.

When I was a young mom--and by young I mean new, though I was also young in years--I was exhausted, hormonally challenged, nutritionally zapped, desperate to prove myself and certain I was faking it and failing.

As a young mom I lived forever in an emotional state. I loved my itty bitty darlings so much, their adorableness and attempts at learning moved me to tears, claps, goofy jigs, and phone calls of cute sharing with family constantly. They also felt inseparable from myself. If my sons failed, I failed. And so sometimes I yelled or pushed too hard--figuratively and literally--in order to prove my own worth. To my family, strangers, teachers, and myself.

A young mom is a bit of a fool, and I was no exception!

But she is exhausted and gets no escape. In the few hours she sleeps, she dreams of failure. She experiences dream fears of losing children, trying to save them from impossible dangers and always failing, forever late to pick them up from school.... She is forever trying and failing and when she doesn't fail she finds ways to prove that it was a fluke, ways to prove to herself that even her successes are not her own.

During awake hours young moms sometimes daydream of death. Their own mostly, but even sometimes their children's. Usually the imagining is an accidental death. A rogue bullet, a snake bite, or a romantic disease that gives her time to say impressive goodbyes. Always they are a daydream of justified giving up. A way to quit before her parenting faults are made clear and unmistakable. 

These scary, foggy years were few for me. Perhaps five years? But they were intense and they shaped me. I never chose death, and I never gave up; justifiably or not. Instead I consistently chose the clapping, singing, goofy jigging, and joyous emotions. My mom highlighted them for me. So did my sister. So did my eventual husband and my late-to-the-party but trying dad. And sometimes, only when I really needed to know, my mom would tell me that she gets it. She would say she's been there. She would promise it gets better. Only mom could whisper these promises because in truth, she had been there. And even though I didn't exactly believe her at the time, I also didn't resent her for trying and so I listened.

I'm not saying all young moms feel like I did, but many do. And though I don't think there is much difference between parenting typical children and parenting special needs children, there is a difference that means everything. 

For special needs parents the exhaustion, hormonal issues, nutrition struggle, fears of failure... they last. They last longer. And these times are shaping moms, dads, and children. Entire families.

So I suggest supporting and helping. In the ways they are willing to accept help. You can't make them see that they are not failing, that they are beautiful and filled with great ideas and surprisingly insightful and creative solutions, but you can show them so often and so loud that the odds are some of it will get in. Some of it will be believed and heard.

This is me telling you. You are amazing and beautiful. You are doing so much right! Your children are watching you and learning from you, so show them what it looks like to feel your own worth and celebrate your skills!

We are all young at something, and we are all struggling to find our stability. Trust that you will find it, and keep smiling, loving, and laughing. That is your greatest tool and when you are stable, it will be your loudest memory. 

Your family's as well!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers

Me with three of my four sons during my desperate years.
You'll notice I was having fun.
It's important to remember to mostly have fun!
Even when you're struggling!

Autism Answer: Santa, Belief, Response!

When my siblings and I were kids, my mom did the whole "Santa" thing with an actress' flair!! We knew he was paying attention to us! We adored meeting him and reminding him how good we were! We heard his bells on Christmas eve and saw Rudolph's shiny red nose in the sky! We rushed to bed early after leaving cookies and carrots and soy milk!! And the mornings were deliciously magic! Emptying our stalkings and feeling Santa's presence in the gifts and bite marked cookies! 

For me, the idea of Santa was wonderful and exciting. It allowed magic to exist in my world and I ate it up like candy canes!! I loved believing so much in fact, that the reason I know for sure that repressed memories are a real thing is that I did it to myself after accidentally discovering that Santa was actually my mom. I was so sad about it that I pushed the information to a place in my brain where it hid for a few years, making me once again a true believer! Of course, repressed memories don't disappear, they hide. So once I re-learned the Santa truth, it all came flooding back. By this time, though, I was old enough to just enjoy playing Santa for my little brothers. 

Interestingly, though, my little sister enjoyed the Santa magic only for a few years. As she got older she became increasingly afraid and creeped out by the idea of him. My mom is an intuitive woman, and she tried to keep the happy wonder alive, but my sister just wouldn't be convinced that a man sneaking in our home after judging us as good or bad could possibly be something to celebrate. Of course, as a self-centered child, I just assumed her fear came from the fact that she wasn't nearly as "good" as me! tee hee!

My point is, mom shared the same Santa tales and magic with both me and my sister equally. We listened to the stories together, saw my moms eyes light up as we sang Christmas carols together, woke up to find stalkings filled with new socks and chocolate together. Yet our experience of Santa was very much different.

My mom didn't allow my sister to be afraid of Santa for long at all. She told her the truth. The very same truth that broke my heart and stole the Christmas magic from me. 

So remember, no matter what you do or how you do it, some people will adore and others abhor, but that's okay because as long as YOU adore what you are doing, and as long as you are willing to do it different when you don't adore it anymore, then what you are doing is perfectly right and wonderful!!

Sometimes we're giving magic to our kids, and sometimes we're taking it away. But always we are loving them and doing what feels best to us in that moment. 

Merry Christmas and happy Holiday Season everyone!!!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)
xoxoxoxo

My sister and I one Christmas morning!

*Author's note: I chose the title based on a fabulous truth I learned at The Option Institute... they teach a new way of reacting, suggesting that all of our personal assumptions and judgement come from beliefs. They suggest it works like this, "stimulus, belief, response" and it's brilliant! We see or hear something (stimulus), we have a deep down belief, and then we respond. And since we are in control of our own beliefs, we are in control of our response (emotional and more) to stimulus!! Check them out!

Autism Answer: When Shay's Social Struggle is not a Struggle!

Last night I took my two youngest boys to our small town homecoming bonfire, located behind the local high school. Forgetting my book purposefully at home I just sat back and watched my boys hang out with their friends.

Shay (my fifteen year old) was looking for his new girlfriend, having promised to meet her there. I saw a group of extremely cute "popular girls" approach him, and play the giggling and overly loud flirt game. Shay gave them a little attention but I could see him looking around for his date. A moment later I saw Shay's face light up as he waved to a fairly large group of "fringe girls". They were not so well dressed, many of them chubby. They were jumping up and down with excitement and hollering Shay's name with gusto. All the kids had that out-at-night-with-my-school-friends energy. Shay said a brief but polite good-bye to the popular girls and sauntered off wearing an air of cool to meet the friends he was wanting to hang out with.

No judgments, he didn't snub the popular ladies, he just wasn't there to make the right friends. He was there to hang out with his friends. 

Sometimes the social challenges that Shay still struggles with can be really hard for him. He often feels confused,  hurt, and misunderstood. He has a habit of imagining insults that aren't even there, and then insulting in return.

And sometimes it just means he sees certain things clearly. Like picking friends that he likes, not the ones that most people like.

Sometimes, Shay's social struggle is not a struggle, and can be quite beautiful!

Those are the times I like to celebrate and encourage. Those are the times I like to learn from. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Shay hanging with a couple of his lady friends!!

Autism Answer: Vaccines and Autism: A (Valid) Distraction

In the autism community there is a battle that rages. Well, there are a few, but none seem to be as emotionally charged as the vaccine wars. Are vaccines linked to autism? Are they the cause? Are they a trigger? Are they absolutely unrelated and a convenient scapegoat for those desperate for answers?

Well, I don’t know. What I do know is that the fighting has become a pretty useful distraction for those interested in taking away our right to choose and to educate ourselves freely.

It is not wacky or conspiracy conjuring to imagine why and how Big Pharma and even the CDC would want us forced into an intense immunization schedule. The amazing advances in medicine cost money, the millions of people employed in a system that saves lives costs money, there is the fear of polio, measles, mumps, rubella and meningitis, the habit of Band-aiding problems as they arise rather than admit to mistakes,  the money that can be made while medicating said problems, I get it. But that doesn’t make it okay.

Why are parents who dare to ask vaccination questions so openly painted as bad parents? Often accused of risking the death of their child for fears of disability, chronic health issues and more? Should parents not be applauded when they question what is being forced into their little ones? It's not (usually) a fear of autism or other specific disability that has them questioning the shot schedule and ingredients, but rather a natural protective parenting instinct. Almost always they are asking for safe vaccines, not no vaccines.

And why are parents who wait patiently in waiting rooms in order to vaccinate their loved ones often treated as uneducated sheep, following the herd? Though pro-vaccination is the bigger camp, it is still true that parents who believe in keeping their children safe by following the recommended vaccine schedule often find themselves looked down upon by moms and dads who feel "better than" or "smarter than" for having done all kinds of research, digging deep into science and studies, to come to a different conclusion. 

Like most great distractions, the links between immunizations, inflammation, immune disorders, seizures, autism etc. need to be explored; with honesty and integrity. However, the question of whether a body of others—government for example—has the right to tell you that you must stick lab baked viruses, preservatives and human tissue (along with its DNA) into your child, or yourself, is where the conversations narrative should be centered.

*An Honest Aside: I am neither for nor against vaccinations. I believe that both choices carry risks. I am for safe vaccines even if they are more expensive. I am for freedom and transparency. Lofty goals? Why yes!

When my mom, who is an international brain expert specializing in autism, was interviewed on a morning show in Uganda, the host nearly fell out of his chair after she revealed that the kind hearted volunteers he had mentioned were injecting viruses in the children. He was under the impression that it was a drug. Had he been lied to? Had he just misunderstood?

Again, I don’t know. But I’ll bet it wasn’t explained clearly because people who love children, and love helping, felt a need to save the little darlings. The end justifies the means.

I am of the opinion that we should not be lied to, and that we should have the freedom to make our own choices, even if those choices are perceived by others as dangerous. Yes, even if your choice may put me in danger. I like laws and rules, but a bare minimum. Ask my boys!

My Vaccination Story: When I was a young mom, taking my boys for their shots felt wonderful and very "mom" like. I didn’t even wonder what was in the vaccine. I had always believed that introducing a bit of virus to our immune system so it could study the enemy seemed brilliant and all natural, which was enough for me. I truly just loved playing the part of responsible mom. No part of me feels guilt or shame for having vaccinated my boys then. I chose it with pride!

When my youngest son was born they wanted to vaccinate him straight out of the womb. I didn’t like it, but chose to ignored the little nagging I felt. I’m not comfortable with confrontation and it was easy to assume they knew what they were doing. My son soon began to avoid eye contact, was sensory challenged, vomited constantly, had seizures, and still has a struggling immune system. I never wondered about the vaccine connection out loud, after all he had been moments old when he received the shots so there was no reason to assume things would have been different without them. However, the thought bounced around my brain a bit.

But that’s not the climatic (to me) event in my vaccine story. It was a few years later, when I was told that my boys had to get a shot for chickenpox if I wanted them to continue in school. Everything in me screamed no. Chickenpox? Most of us have been through it and our bodies have become so much stronger for it. And the intermittent exposure we adults have to kids with the virus acts as a natural booster, protecting many of us from shingles. How will we get our natural boosters if no one has chickenpox? Also, by this time I had grown-up enough to know better than to see these man-made concoctions as "all natural". This vaccine was new, and I was very uncomfortable. My gut turned and I didn’t feel right. However, I took my boys and did what I was told. That day it was I who avoided eye contact. With my children, with the nurses, with my family, I choked back tears and looked away for fear of seeing me in their eyes. It wasn’t so much about the varicella shot, in truth I knew nothing at all about it, or the potential benefits and dangers. It was because I felt trapped and afraid. It’s my "vaccination story" because I hadn’t been willing to risk dirty looks and confrontation, I didn’t feel educated enough to argue any points, I had been told that it had to be done or I would be reported to Family Services, and saying no because I was uncomfortable (or because I didn’t know enough to say yes comfortably) is frowned upon. This is a painful memory because I hadn’t stepped up and taken care of my kids my own way, but rather failed them by fearing the judgments of others.

So I ask that we not look down at people who remember a time when hand washing was considered ludicrous, when ‘night gasses’ were believed to cause malaria and mosquito nets were for loons, who remember when GMO’s were a potentially safe solution to the hunger problem, or when smoking Tobacco was being touted as safe by the CDC. Parents who have seen that just because smoking causes cancer in one person and not another, while still others get cancer that is completely unrelated to cigarettes at all, does not mean that smoking doesn’t cause cancer.  I ask that we not treat them as though they don’t have the right to ask questions, and consider all options, when it comes to what they do-- or do not-- consider healthy for their child.

And I beg that we continue to see how amazing we are as humans—having created vaccines, life -saving medications, cellular phones and espresso machines —and to remember that it’s only with freedom and a curious nature that we will continue to surprise ourselves and make advances of such import.

The vaccines and autism connection is a worthy distraction, but let’s please remember that it is a freedom to decide for ourselves that we need to keep our eye on!  The freedom to choose and learn the truth.

“If the people let government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as are the souls of those who live under tyranny.”  -Thomas Jefferson  

"I'd rather live in a world that often allows the criminal to remain free, than one that often locks away the innocent. There are mistakes on every side, I'd rather live with the mistakes of freedom."~Tsara Shelton (me!)

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)