Autism Answer: Body Positive - The Way I See It

Sipping coffee with the sun bursting through the window behind me.

 

It is summer where I live. 

As I sit at my desk I'm surrounded by reminders. Behind me cats are shedding and seeking cool tile for sleeping. My love taps on his computer only when necessary and heads outdoors (shirtless when I'm lucky!) to take care of the pool, dig up dirt & reorganize landscaping, climb ladders & fix stuff winter broke.  Out the widow ahead of me I see a river teaming with life. People kayak and canoe, birds hop and fly, fish splash, green growth floats past lazily. On the path and sidewalk people skate, walk, bike, roll, and enjoy all manner of interesting seasonal transportation. 

Everyone is dressed in the summer attire most comfortable to them. 

The weather is hot and humid. Some of us respond by wearing as little as possible, some of us respond by wearing light fabrics over most of our bodies, some of us respond by sweating in sweaters and feeling perfectly good about it. 

I like it all.  

When I was a young girl growing up in Ontario, Canada I rarely wore clothes that allowed skin to show. Long pants, long sleeves, long bulky sweaters were more comfortable to me than shorts and Ts in summer because shorts and Ts showed parts of me I was uncomfortable having seen. I wore t-shirts, yes, but always with a sweater or flannel wrapped around my waist as a safety net. When I went through my phase of wearing skirts and heels I did so wearing panty hose to cover my skin. My blouses were most often sleeved. Regardless of the weather, that was what I felt comfortable wearing. 

Then, I moved to Texas. I had two small children at the time. Little people who would climb all over me, need hugs and holding, need lap sitting and sleep snuggling. The heat in Texas nearly made me mad, and I started to dislike myself as a mom when every time one of my boys wanted to hug me I instinctively pushed them away because it was too hot to handle more things on me. More things touching me. So, I decided to be comfortable wearing t-shirts and shorts. Once that was comfortable suddenly I wanted less. Tinier shirts, shorter shorts. The smaller amount of clothes the better. Any itty bitty breeze that existed I wanted to feel as much of as possible. I wasn't any more comfortable with the look of my skin but I was far more comfortable exposing it in order to feel not so dang hot. After a while, I forgot to be uncomfortable with the look of my skin.

I know you don't care much about me or my evolving fashion sense, the entirety of which has to do with my desire always to be comfortable. But I think it's a nice little peek into how what we and others wear shouldn't be overly judged. We are kinder and our better selves when we're comfortable. So if someone is comfortable wearing something you don't like or understand, maybe don't waste time judging it. In fact, if it is appropriate to do so, make good use of your time by asking questions! What is comfortable about wearing a sweater in the sweltering heat? What feels cozy about not wearing a bra even though we can tell you're not wearing a bra? Get curious in a kind way. We learn so much about ourselves when asking and answering questions. 

I've been thinking lately about the balance between liking the body I'm in while continuing to actively take care of it. Even work on making it better. Sure, I can say it's only because I care about keeping my body healthy but, the truth is, I'm in a new relationship and find myself back in the headspace (one I haven't spent time in since my teen years!) of hoping I look good.

So I thought it would be fun for me to answer these questions I recently came across about working out and body image. While answering these questions for myself, my best friend called and we talked about the answers together. It turns out we have a lot of similar opinions on the issues though the things we choose to do about them are quite different. The conversation was fun! Feel free to peek at these questions yourself, check out my answers and consider your own. Are we surprisingly similar? Wildly different? An interesting mix of the two? 

Having a positive feeling about the body you're in - and there are so many types of bodies! - is a valid part of holistic health. But that doesn't mean shrugging your shoulders to any potential problems and just saying, "Well, I'm body positive so I guess I like it." When we love we pay attention. We notice things and check in. We are brave and do the work of admitting when something isn't okay so we can find a way to fix it. <--- This is all stuff I'm loving about being in love, by the way. :D

So, here are my answers to some questions meant to help me continue to find balance between loving my body and wanting to help it be better.

I hope you'll share some of your thoughts as well! 

The Way I See It:

1. Why do you work out?

I confess, I don't exactly work out. However, I do actively and purposefully include activities into my day that will work out my body. I have never been able to consistently put aside a set amount of time to exercise, I don't enjoy the work out and I don't get that accomplished energetic feeling others talk about afterward. But I do strongly believe that my health is my own responsibility so I do things like dance, roller skate, stretch, and go for walks in order to keep my body looking and feeling healthy.

2. What body image issues are you currently fighting against?

My biggest challenge at the moment is wanting to believe I look sexy. I'm in a fantastic relationship and for the first time in my forty-six years I'm enjoying great sex. I love that. The only down side is I'm noticing this new need to believe I look sexy to my partner. I feel sexy when we're being intimate, but throughout the course of a day I'll catch myself hoping I look sexy. Suddenly I'll notice that my stomach is flabby, there is an overwhelming amount of cellulite on the back of my thighs, and my breasts are like deflated balloons. In a way I feel like a teenager again. Wanting to look good but not believing people when they say I do. Luckily I'm not a teenager so I know better and don't let it hurt or influence me too much. Yet, it is there.

3. Do you think it's possible to love your body if you still want to change something about it?

I absolutely believe that. Because loving our bodies means being willing to see when we need to make changes in order to keep them healthy. We are always evolving and the health needs our bodies change, too. And quite often the clues for changes we need to make will be in how our body looks. I think the trick is keeping an eye on why we want to change something about our bodies. Even if the why is that we want to like the look of it, that's okay. As long as we want to like the look of it for ourselves, and not only for other people. And as long as we don't fall into the "grass is greener" mindset. When I'm struggling to know if I want to change because it's what I want or because it's what society tells me to want, I imagine living alone in the world. Does the cellulite still matter to me then? If the answer is no, I decide it's not worth my worry.

4. Do you think diet and fitness culture is toxic?

I think it can be, yes. Just like any movement or culture, we can get caught up and take it too far and hurt ourselves and people around us. And when there is a whole group of people doing it with us we are at greater risk of not seeing when it isn't healthy for us. Each person will have different reasons for caring about diet and fitness, and finding a healthy balance will look different for each person and family, so I think it's important to keep an eye on yourself and not judge others too harshly in order to avoid toxic culture.

5. What lessons have you learned about body confidence? What would you still like to work on?

Personally, learning to focus on how I feel in my body rather than how I look in my body has made a huge difference in my life. On top of that, practicing not comparing myself to others but rather appreciating the diversity of shapes, sizes, and abilities has given me a great boost. I would, though, like to work on this new wanting to believe I look sexy thing. It's annoying! And it is definitely my job to work on it since my partner has given me all the signs and said in all the ways that I do look sexy to him. I feel embarrassed that I want to believe I look sexy, but I do.

Hmmmm.... maybe working on feeling embarrassed about it is where I can start. It can be hard to figure something out when you're brain is busy being embarrassed. So there it is. I want to believe I look sexy to my partner and I think that means continuing to take care of my body while trusting he's serious when he says I'm sexy to him.

 

So there I have it. A few things I'm sticking with and something to work on. 

I wonder if my love thinks me learning about myself is sexy? tee hee!

Happy summer, friends! 

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My Body - Getting To Know You (aka What I'm Doing At Home)

Well now, things are interesting. (Dear reader, I do not know where you are in time, and I do know that things are always interesting, but this post is being written in March 2020 near the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, so keep that in mind as you read the type of interesting I am referring to and the type of response I'm choosing. Thanks, friend!)

Clearly, I've had all the common thoughts. What a perfect time to shift the world in sustainable ways! What a wonderful reason to consider how we care for each other and rethink our willingness to be inconvenienced! How excellent to connect with and get to really know our children and spouses! And I confess, my daily life is hardly disrupted by staying home. That's what I do. Write, read, dance, sit outside or inside, but all mostly at home. 

I was, however, chewing over a fantastic opportunity my sister had given me to work with her as a production coordinator. I've said yes to projects so far but promised to make a concrete decision on whether I would be her production coordinator and not just accept jobs convenient to me. So far I've always said yes, but just before COVID-19 decided to barricade business as usual, my sister was getting consistent offers that would have me rarely home and working often. Did my hubby and I want that? I promised to decide but was filled with anxiety about doing so.

Then this. Stay at home and shelter in place orders around the world. (Probably my fault. The Universe figured it would call my bluff by saying, "Oh, this is such an important decision and worth so much worry because why? The world will stop turning if you choose wrong? Well then, let me stop everything so you can take your time, lady." Well, in response, I have made decisions. So, ya. Sorry about that! Things should return to healthy, though hopefully not to their usual, soon.) 

Anyway, speaking of my sister, yesterday something happened with her that gave me another idea of what I should do with this time at home. Keep in mind, my home is an empty nest. It is me and my husband alone. Our youngest son visits from University - two hours away - sometimes, but with our other children and family members and grandchildren living in California, it is mostly just us. So when my sister thanked me in a text for making a dermatologist appointment for her that resulted in a suspected melanoma biopsy (my dad died from Melanoma and my entire family history is saturated with cancer) I had a thought. 

You see, we knew to make that appointment because we recognized a mole on her body misbehaving. The mole we were concerned about was on her stomach. Turned out, though, that it was a mole on her butt that was the true concern. 

Well now. We don't really spend much time looking at her butt, so we may never have noticed that! 

This isn't the first time I've thought about how unfamiliar I am with my own body. It's not even the first time I've thought about it in relation to the dangers of not knowing my body. But it is the first time I've thought about it while our town is under stay-at-home orders and the health of our community is at the forefront of the collective consciousness reminding us that our responsibility to health is in our hands. 

So, I am spending this time getting to know my body. It's freaking hot here in Texas, so rather than turn on the air conditioner constantly I am walking around in minimal clothes. No one will be coming over for a visit, I don't have to quickly get dressed and head out to run errands,  this is a good time for this. 

I'm not going to walk around minimally dressed all day every day. But I plan to do it as often as is comfortable (well, it's not comfortable because I'm unfamiliar with my body this way, but I am old enough and experienced enough to know it will become comfortable) and to stop shying away from looking. I have moles and stretchmarks and cellulite and, boy, do I have hairy legs! But I need to know this. I need to have answers when asked about my body as usual, and I am responsible for recognizing changes or possible problems.

So, ya. That's one of the fun and important things I am doing with this time. 

Feel free to join me! 

Once you get over the awkwardness of being exposed it actually feels quite surprising and free! My hair tickles my back often and it's nice. The air on my skin - even though it is only indoor air - is soft and unpredictable. Being physically distant from our fellow humans leaves time to experience the touch of air and water. Sure, air and water touched me before but I rarely took the time to experience it. How about you?

Regardless of whether or not you are interested in, able to, or even in need of, getting to know your body during this time, I hope you'll join me in doing something proactive regarding your health and the health of our world. I honestly believe it helps contain and even corral our anxieties during an uncertain time. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: A Life Lesson About Being A Little Bit Stinky

Multitasking: Dancing, making coffee, sniffing armpit.

It doesn't feel good to be overly stinky. I don't really like it.

When stinky body odor first started to happen to me I happily reached for the grown-up feeling deodorant. Yes, at first I often forgot and would catch myself sweating with embarrassment around my peers. But soon, with motivation easily found - I was a teenager wanting to be discovered in certain ways by all the boys - it became a simple habit. Deodorant donned every morning without thought.

Many years later I began to pay closer attention to the buzzing and whispers I heard about the unhealthy ingredients in most deodorants. I wasn't anywhere near willing to quit it, but I heard myself explaining it to my sons and when buying them deodorants I would suggest minimal use.

Yes, I tried chemical free deodorants a bit. No, they didn't work for me. Although, I still sometimes used them.

A few years later I learned more about motivations, money, and health. Applying those learning's to deodorant I couldn't help but feel complicit and cruel. Where is the motivation for companies to create effective healthy deodorants that will help keep our entire society healthier (including my sons!) if consumers are easily buying the toxic stuff already available? The toxic buildup from deodorant is actually, really, truly affecting me and my family. It's not just a thing to say and know; it's a thing that's happening.

So, I went searching in earnest for sustainable, healthy, fair-trade type deodorants. I started sometimes making my own.

This is what I learned:
Sometimes I stink a little. And that's okay. Most of the time I either smell fine thanks to a natural substance that I'm using and my healthy diet, or because that day I just happen to smell fine. Sometimes I even use good-ol-fashioned-not-good-for-me deodorant. There are events I go to (school concerts) where I decide to be certain of not stinking at all.

But sometimes, I stink a little. And that's okay. Seriously, what's so horrible about stinking a little? It's just my smell, my naturally occurring smell. Now, I don't think it's awesome to be absolutely stinky. That's often (though certainly not always) a sign of something unhealthy going on - stress, lack of self-care, poor butt-wiping skills, etc - but stinking a little bit some of the time is what I am. A living animal with scents and sounds and chin hair.

Here's my life lesson: 
Too often we cover up the truth of things with fancy smells regardless of the harm we're doing. If something doesn't stink, it's not so much offending us. But, that's proven itself to be a dangerous attitude! Sometimes the beautiful true nature of a thing will surprise, challenge, and even slightly offend us. Not because it's offensive but because we've been taught to be offended. And other times we avoid helping ourselves and others by dousing them in nice poisonous artificial smells. This is, again, our way of not being offended by something. But this time, maybe we should be offended. And we should do the work of making changes.

So, to sum up, covering ourselves and our issues in fancy smells regardless of who we may be hurting in the process is an all too socially accepted habit. One we might want to discontinue.

Also, when you and I meet for coffee, you might notice that I'm a little bit stinky. Lucky you! What a wonderful excuse to deeply inhale the delightful smell of your gorgeous scented beverage!! tee hee!

Happy Friday, friends!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: The Powerful Perks And Possible Problems Of Compliments

When people tell me that I look young, I don't mind. I think it's wonderful for people to feel comfortable enough to share a thought or vision of me!

However, when I see "looking young" tossed around or offered as an assumed and obvious

People say I look young to be their mom.

compliment, I can't help but think, "Why?"

I've never wanted to look young, though I don't mind it. I've even decided to believe it to mean that I look "giggly" and "happy". These are things I do want! Yet people often throw out compliments and make jokes that only make sense if we all agree that looking young is desirable. Again, I can't help but wonder, "Why?"

Looking young isn't a thing that means much of anything. I suppose "a youthful look" is more of a thing with meaning, but it's not an innate compliment. I always wished people would see me as "wise" which doesn't quite match the giggly, silly, young-ish looking "me" that I prance around as. Of course, as you all know, I've grown comfortable with the giggle, silly (even sometimes wise) me. I like her! 

Anyway, I'm just thinking about the picture of beauty we're painting for our children and ourselves when we assume young (or thin or tanned or muscular etc) to be compliments rather than observations. We might want to be careful here. 

Not a single one of us is entirely healthy, we all live in this same polluted, pesticide using, preservative filled and convenience craving world. So when we do focus on getting healthy (perhaps with our weight or our mental health or our strength or our careers or our youthfulness or all of the above or none of the above) then we should celebrate and compliment that. Not a look so much as an intention. 

Beautiful is something I see all around me. In all the beautiful people I see taking care of their kids, loving their parents, working hard at the feed store, sharing a laugh with each other, holding the door open, telling a story to a stranger, driving a friend to the store. Seeing this beauty and celebrating it is my idea of a compliment.

We know that many of us are born with such a drastically unusual look or uncommon bodily movements that we surprise and challenge people just with our appearance. This does not mean we can't be or aren't beautiful. This does not mean we should be relegated to only "different" compliments.

Imagine, though, if everywhere around us we saw happy, confident, powerful people of all looks, sizes, colors, body movements, and ages, being complimented for who they are and what they do - and being known as beautiful.

A compliment is nice and I like getting them! I really do! But compliments (to me) are not about looks; they're about actions and intentions. The things I do, the things I try to do, the reasons I try to do them-it feels fantastic to have that recognized. The work is hard and it nourishes me to have it appreciated.

When I was young I wanted to be pretty, I really, really, really did. So I understand caring about looks. But when I was young I was also overwhelmingly surrounded (as most of us are) by a world that celebrated and complimented pretty. It wasn't until I got older and started thinking for myself that I purposefully let that go. 

Now I'm so far from caring about appearance that I almost forget how that felt. Almost. 

But I stand here on the edge of understanding and I promise you, it's better to feel complimented by, and to compliment, our actions and intentions! I feel beautiful and confident like I never have before. 

When people tell me I look young, I don't mind. I love that people feel comfortable sharing a vision of me. But when people start adding "will you tell me your secret" or "you're so lucky" or "what do you use and where can I buy it" I can't help but wonder, "Why?"

I don't mind looking young, but I don't overly value it either. It's just a thing. A thing that matches one side of me that I like and doesn't match another vision I have of me, and I think that's fine!

Friends, growing older is freaking beautiful!!!! 

And not everyone has the honor of doing it. 
So, perhaps, let's value the honor of honoring it. 

What we choose to compliment and celebrate is powerful. I think it's time we step back and make a shift in trajectory. 

Just some thoughts, 
from giggly, silly, young-ish looking me! 

(maybe with a hint of insight from wise, grey, wrinkly, beautiful older me?? tee hee!)

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Autism Answer: You're Pretty When You Percolate!

Author's Note: I was asked by some of my son's young friends to write the post you're about to read. "We love how we feel after we talk to you," they claimed, "but then we forget what you said when we're hanging with our friends. Could you write us one of your articles?" So, after spending a few hours feeling honored and speechless, I wrote this for them! And, as always happens when I write stuff down, I remembered it for me. I hope you enjoy some of the insights too! Hugs, smiles, and love!! ~Tsara

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You hear the clichés all the time. “Be yourself!” “Don’t worry about the judgments of others!” “Stand up for yourself and step in when you see others being bullied!” “Just be yourself!”

Sure, but what does that mean, really? 

Rather than try to answer those questions specifically, I would love to give you a suggestion that will help you be and do all of those things, even if it’s accidentally. 

When you aren’t around your peers, take some time to really discover who you like being. Are you giggly and positive, introspective and quiet, sarcastic and witty? Whichever it is, know that who you are and who you’re comfortable being, is exactly right for what you want from life. Because liking who you are is the greatest way to go after what you want, knowing that you deserve it. The next step is simple, and yet makes all of the difference. Step two is letting your personality percolate!!

Looking at the world from a place of percolating with your own personality—while cultivating an interest in the percolating personalities of others—means being so busy as yourself that there is much less room for worrying about the judgments of others, or for sitting in judgment of your family and friends. While your personality percolates it grows more and more bold and flavorful. It fills the room with its fantastic scent and draws others to you, filling them full of a desire to be around you. 

And as your personality percolates, you become prettier! Models and actresses will tell you this trick (though they may use different words) over and over. It’s not the most beautiful who get the work, but the ones who put personality in their face and body. The ones who look so full of confidence, mystery, sincerity--something--that it spills onto us as an audience and pulls us into their emotions.

My son and some of his friends at a photo shoot: Percolating with Personality!

A surprising—but wonderful!—effect this personality percolation has is a smaller chance of bullying incidents. According to international mental health expert, Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad, a large number of the people you are surrounded by suffer from too many delta waves in their brain during the day, or too few theta waves when they try to fall asleep, and a myriad of other unbalanced brain issues that result in your peers (and possibly you?) battling anorexia, insomnia, anxiety and more. Also, a surprising number of teen girls have undiagnosed autism and are struggling with sensory troubles (feeling physical pain from certain types of touch, for example) communication issues (sometimes taking things too literally, or being blunt to the point of seeming rude) and other similar concerns. 

So, knowing that many of your peers are struggling with challenges that you can’t see, or even imagine, percolating with kindness and your own personality puts you in a place of comfort and caring that doesn’t leave much room for accidentally treating others cruelly. 

When you choose to talk with your friends, there will be less chance of cruel comparisons because you will feel no need to put others down in order to feel superior. And when you know well who you are, and are comfortable with it, an honest interest in others grows naturally. Instead of talking about how weird someone is behind their back, you will more likely want to talk with and learn about them. It’s much easier to make connections when you aren’t busy worrying about how to act or what to say. As your personality percolates, you will almost always know!

What is it that makes a person pretty? What she looks like plays a part of course, but what draws a person in is personality. What makes people want to be with you is personality. So discover who you are, and percolate. Unlike makeup and fashionable outfits, it never goes out of style. And it’s forever free!

“Knowing who you are is confidence, not cockiness. Cockiness is pushing it down everyone’s throat. Looks go; they fade. I don’t think looks matter.” ~Mila Kunis 

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I invite you to check out my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up, where I share memories from my teen years alongside stories of my sons' teen years. My personality percolated over time and eventually found a flavor I am proud of! 

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Me and my sons!

Better Than Me ~Short Story

Well... it happened to me again. Chuck Wendig posted a Flash Fiction Challenge, and suddenly I wanted to play! The challenge was to eyeball a random song title, and make it the title of our story. The song itself doesn't have to have anything to do with our woven tale, though it can. Well, I picked up my Hinder CD, and my eyes landed on "Better Than Me". I was gonna just listen to the song, but then a story popped in my brain.  
WARNING: It is unlike anything I've written for you here before, and it's got sex. It pretty much takes place during sex. And there are swear words. The *F* word is in the first sentence. Plus, it's sort of uncomfortable. And please remember, it's fiction!!!

Okay, so here we go, for those of you willing to take the plunge:

Better Than Me~ Short Story

“If you don’t fucking move your body, I’m walking out of here!”

He deserves better than me, and it hurts to know that. I was moving my body before but he told me he didn’t’ like the way my boobs looked when I did it that way, so I stopped. But now he’s pissed off because I’m supposed to be moving—and I know that—but I don’t know exactly how. 

I start to move my hands up his back and moan a bit. This feels subtle, so it can't be too bad, and also it is movement. I hope this is is good. I’m trying not to be afraid of disappointing him and so I look down at my breasts. I’m on my back and they just fall to the sides, almost disappearing into my armpits. It looks ugly! So I lift my arms in a position that kind of pushes them up, makes them look a little fuller. I think he’ll like that. 

He pushes roughly and I make a few more sounds, but when he looks at my boobs I see he looks angry. God, I wish my nipples would perk up! How could he like them when they look so deflated and uninterested?

“Turn over,” he tells me.

I know this means we’re almost finished, and I’m glad. I hate not being able to please him, but I know he’ll get pleasure if I turn over and he can picture something better, someone better. 

He deserves that. 

He’s so sexy. He always smells good and dresses in classy clothes. Every time we go out I see the girls stare, I watch them hate me. He stares back of course, and even takes some of them home, but he stays with me. He’s my boyfriend. 

And I know that in some ways, I do deserve him.

I’m not a good cook, but I always make sure he’s fed and his apartment is clean. When we go to the bars I dance for him and show his friends my moves when he tells me to. He likes seeing them lust for me while I give only to him. 

I never drink because I know he wants to. And goodness knows he deserves nights of fun on weekends. His bosses treat him like crap at his job, which he hates anyway. Working as a waiter in a high class sushi place isn't exactly his dream, and yet he’s forced to serve people living his high class dreams while he just sucks it up. 

He works every day though, because he wants to take care of me. He wants to one day take me to these places and treat me like a queen!

And he doesn’t just work at that job either. He works also at his dream. But his band—which is bloody awesome-isn’t going anywhere. Lord knows it’s not his fault. I’ve never seen anyone work so hard for a dream, and with so little help! He’s got both vision and talent.

When he sings, our bodies drool!

His energy and voice dance their way into everyone’s libido, men and women, and we just feel him!

But the guys in his band are lazy. Sure, they like to play, but they don’t want to take risks. And like my boyfriend says, you can’t make it if you don’t take risks. 

Now I feel his hands on my hips as I reach to pinch my nipples. I think when he’s done I’ll sit up and hold my arms close at my sides which pushes my boobs together in a way that makes them look fuller. And my nipples will be perky because I pinched them, so I’ll look sexy for him. 

I feel him finish on me and carefully turn around, cautious not to get any mess on his bedspread. Once I had to take it to the cleaners because of letting it get stained when I went on my period in the middle of sex. How stupid I am! He spent over a hundred dollars on the spread and it’s classy!

“Start the shower, babe.” He says. 

I could hardly afford the cleaners because I only work as a dog walker. I love the job—there are so many kinds of dogs and they’re all wonderful!—but it’s not a career. It’s not classy and I don’t make much money. 

But, he loves me for who I am not my job, which is why I love him so much.

It’s hard for me to show it because I don’t have much to give. But I do show it in ways he sometimes notices. Like when I took his cover to the cleaners, even though I couldn’t really afford it, he kissed me and told me he loved me.

Or like the other night when we went to the bar. I didn’t drink because he wanted to get drunk so I had to drive, but I didn’t mind. Well… I have a really crappy car that he’s embarrassed to be in, but since he doesn’t have a car at all we had to take mine and I felt bad about that. But he was proud of me anyway, because I didn’t even have one drink. He started telling all his friends how lucky he was to have me. He’s lucky?! He even told me to show them my dance moves (which they’d already seen) and then to show them my boobs (which they hadn’t). That made me feel sexy, but I was afraid too because what if they didn’t like them? What if they told him he should get a new girl? Better than me?

Luckily , his friends liked them and even wanted to touch them. Some of the girls at the bar were calling me a slut and stuff, but I knew they were just jealous. I knew because I’ve been the one watching when my boyfriend touched other girls, and I hated them because I was jealous. 

That’s okay, it’s how relationships work.

My friend, Janice, that night she told me I deserved someone better. Me!! Oh, God, I laughed and laughed at that one! She called him abusive which made me laugh harder and even call her stupid. He’s never once, the two years we’ve been together, hit me or even threatened to hit me! He’s so sexy and classy, he could have any girl he ever wanted, but he loves me.

I’m just a small girl from nowhere with nothing. And he loves me.

Besides, Janice is gay and always had a crush on me so I think she said that because she wanted me to be single again. 

Although, I know I shouldn’t have laughed at her or called her stupid, because she did look hurt. Which is why I kissed her and did those things with her after. I felt like she really deserved someone better than me, too. 

As I’m getting in the shower with him now I smile to know how lucky I am. So many people are kind and caring to me, even though they deserve better. 

I’ve just gotta keep doing what I can to make me worth their time. 

They deserve it.