Autism Answer: I have no problem with autism!

When I was a little girl I used to look at other richer, more talented or prettier little girls and wish to be them. I would then immediately shout with my loudest inside-my- mind voice,"no, wait! I want to be ME but with more money and a better singing voice and no mustache!" There was a part of me that feared losing myself if my wishes were granted. I think as parents we are doing a similar thing when we say we wouldn't change our kids (autism or no) for the world. We would do anything--and families of autism will do just about anything out of love!--to help our child be themselves comfortably. But we want them to always be themselves.

We also want to help them find their voice or fix their bowel problems. To give them the gift of social skills and sensory comfort. And so very much more!

The disagreement between parents who voice a contempt for autism vs those that say they would never change their child, is sometimes just a question of semantics. But in my opinion, important semantics. When I say that I see autism as a gift (yes, I have said that) I forget that others aren't inside my head, knowing what I mean. Autism isn't a gift, but there are so many, many gifts inherent in loving someone with autism. For the autistic person, there are also gifts (thinking outside the box, laser focus are some possibilities) but I am allistic (not autistic) so I can only guess. My Autism Answers page is all about sharing the answers our family has been challenged to discover because of autism. But autism itself, is a developmental whole brain disorder. Not a gift. The reason I think the semantics are important is because the way we see things and talk about things will affect the choices we make and the way we present ourselves to the world. And, of course, it will affect the way our children and autistic friends think about themselves and their willingness to comfortably be honest with us.

I think that saying 'I wouldn't change my kid for the world' can be misleading to some, but it is a beautiful misleading that will eventually end up in a happier and more comfortable place for everyone. It's not that we shouldn't be honest, just be intentional.

For example, I wouldn't change my brother, Dar, for the world. But I will follow my mom's lead as she follows his, in the ever-important quest for helping him gain skills (like language!) and be a happy, comfortable him!!!

Hugs, smiles and love!!!

Autism Answer: Let's consider the tone that we keep in our home.

*Authors note: I wrote this Autism Answer for my Facebook fans in December, soon after that terrible school shooting in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. Less than a week before the school shooting my youngest brother had been raped by a stranger who'd forced his way into his apartment. I never imagined I would choose to return to this post. Some things are important enough to be said, but often we would then like to forget that it had ever actually been needed. Recently there have been more tragedies--Boston Bombing, Oklahoma tornadoes, a terrible fertilizer plant explosion in West, TX not far from my town and more--so I felt a need to remember what I had said that may help me know what to do. How to be for my family at times like these. I am not editing this piece, but I am remembering to own the words. Huge hugs to all of you and I truly hope your family has been safe from the many sad events I have alluded to... xoxoxo


I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Likely, you aren't spending much time hanging out online either, so I doubt you've noticed my absence! Snuggling your kids, wondering about the state of the world and chatting with loved ones is where I expect you are too. 

Last week our home suffered a personal tragedy. And now the Connecticut shooting has made our hurt echo. There aren't words powerful enough to heal the worry and hurt, and if there were I am not insightful and brilliant enough to be the one to discover and share them. But goodness knows I wish there were such powerful words!

What I will say is that people who love their lives and love their world don't go out and kill it. Please, when talking to your children and yourself about this recent tragedy--whether you blame gun control, pharmaceuticals, violent video games, domestic violence etc.-- please try to look for answers without anger or hate. 

There are no words to fix this sadness. But the words you use to describe it and try to understand it will affect you and your loved ones. I'm not suggesting a frown and a shrug, and get on with your life. There is much to be discussed and lessons that we must, must discover... but perhaps we should try to remember while sharing our thoughts, that it is answers we need. Not blame or hate. 

I love all of you! Feel free to share your thoughts, hopes and concerns. 

One more thought: Although it is true that many of the recent tragedies have been at the hand of Mother Nature, it's still important that we consider the tone we keep in our home. All of our children--especially our autistic ones who seem so in tune with energy!--will feel our stress and worry. Also, there are many people who believe that climate change, spirituality, religious premonitions etc are to blame and will feel that speaking out about their beliefs is how they can be proactive. I agree! I just also know that being passionate and proactive with a positive tone is more important than being right about the problems and answers. Hugs!!!

Autism Answer: Labeling Living!

It's become apparent to me that I have a habit of labeling. And I think it's fantastic! Very often understanding that your child is 'high functioning autistic' or that your cousin is 'OCD' or that you have 'oppositional defiant disorder' or that Mark Ruffalo suffers from 'adorable guy next door sexiness' can be a gift that makes much of your world make sense, where it had been confusing and possibly painful before receiving the label. However, be certain not to then believe in the limitations and invented boxes of the label! 

Autism has our loved ones and ourselves thinking very differently and seeing the world through very different eyes... this does not create limits, just challenges and comforts that can confuse and enlighten! And Mark Ruffalo may have adorable guy next door sexiness, but that doesn't mean you'll like him when he's angry! (Not so clever Hulk reference!) 

Labeling living is fine and makes understanding and chatting about ourselves and others easier. But remember that labels are just words! A chair may be a chair, but in the hands of my children it is also almost always something else! A mountain, a home for army men or a trampoline!! I may be silly, but I can also be introspective and serious. So go ahead and label living! Just remember not to live the label!! 

Hugs, Smiles and Love!!!

Autism Answer: Lessons in a Zombie Apocalypse!

So, all four of my boys are totally into zombies. My oldest two, who are nineteen and seventeen, are true believers in the inevitable zombie apocalypse. My youngest two, who are fifteen and thirteen, think they're awesome additions in any video game or movie idea! I am a huge fan of any catalyst for conversation with my boys, so I say 'Bring on the Dead!'

When my older guys and I talk about zombies, believe it or not, the conversation can get pretty sophisticated! With natural opportunities to talk about pharmaceuticals, the brain washing of nations, the importance of discovering our own passions and being true to ourselves, and let's not forget the importance of eating only organic and fair trade brain products!! 

With my younger boys we have followed interesting story line ideas and potential movie plots for the entertainment they hope to one day invent. And I have learned that entering and playing in the imaginations of my boys can be both fun and littered with teaching tools!!

So let's never scoff at our children's interests and obsessions! Let's play with them, and guide them and get to know how our kiddos think and what they hope for!! It's not only fun and surprising as a parent, but offers tons of insights into how different yet the same everyone is!!

It's fun to talk about zombies, but I refuse to be one!!

 Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

We love brains in our family. But we don't eat them! tee hee!

 www.lynettelouise.com 

Autism Answer: The Sibling Connection

As I've often mentioned, I'm no autism expert. Who I am is a sister, daughter and mom of autism, which makes me something of an autism student!

Our home was uniquely balanced. There were eight kids, with four girls who were mostly able older than the four boys who were mostly less able. So us girls became mom's right hand ladies: babysitters, walkers-to-school, sharer of chores and all around brother-helpers. 

Our home was not only uniquely balanced, but also beautifully unique!

The world, and most of our neighbors, never liked us for long. We challenged them to change, to open their minds. My mom never allowed my brothers to be treated as little disabled boys. She expected them to be believed in as boys who were uniquely challenged to learn skills, and that the skills could be learned if the world would allow for unique answers. This, coupled with the very different places my brothers landed on the spectrum, often looked wild and weird. 

Also, the neighbors weren't fond of us teenage girls having noisy parties when mom worked. Oops! 

So siblings hear me when I say, I get it. We are put in a unique position and we don't always like it. We are looked at with pity and distaste and expectations, and don't always like it. But please also hear me when I say, we are the lucky ones! We are put in a unique position. So take advantage and love it! 

Helping my mom teach my brothers has made me a better person, a better daughter, a better sister and a better mom! I learned to see ability where others see none. I learned to follow clues and symptoms in order to find actionable answers! I learned to feel the love returned where others might fear it's lacking!

And now that we are all fully grown, I have four fantastic friends in my brothers. Yes, they sometimes annoy me as I'm sure I annoy them. Yes, they sometimes seem like work to me as I'm sure I seem like work to them. We are siblings. That's what we do. 

And because of each other we are better, happier and more successful. Siblings have a unique opportunity to connect with someone who truly knows them, and who truly loves them for who they are and who they've been. 

No matter who you are or who your sibling is, don't let that opportunity slip away. You may not become best friends in the end, but you can always be best siblings.

Trust me, it's worth it!!!
Hugs, smiles and love!!!


Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My unique and fabulous family!!

 

Autism Answer: The Dead Cow

One of my sons had a very emotional and sad moment last night. We were driving home when he asked me if it was okay for him to cry. I gave him comfortable permission and drove for a while to the sound of his hurt.

As we neared the house I got his attention by asking,"Hey, hon. You know that dead cow we're about to pass on the side of the road?"

He sniffled a bit, "Ya. So."

"Well, I have an analogy for you. Do you want to hear it?"

"Sure."

"Kay. Remember how the dead cow was so stinky and gross, and we had to roll up our windows and pass it while holding our breath and trying not to look because it made us uncomfortable to see death and vultures? And then after a few days we could still smell it a bit, but we became more interested in looking and talking about what we thought was happening and how long we thought it would take for the earth and other critters to be nourished? And then the smell was gone but the cow was still partially there, so we would get excited to see how much was left and we wondered if the vultures were taking bits and pieces home to their babies? And now we almost forget to look because it's been a while, but we still know and learned and it's become something that we all experienced, but now we're more interested in other things?"

"Yes." My son admitted quietly. His head was still buried in his hoodie, but he had stopped crying and was really listening.

"Well," I explained, "That's kind of like the situation you're in right now with your friends. What happened was hard for everyone, it was an event that everyone felt uncomfortable with and their feelings got stirred up and everyone did things before figuring out even what they wanted to do. And now, it's something that you will all learn from and can choose to discover answers that feel nourishing and will help you know what to do in similar situations down the road. And, like the dead cow, it's not bad or good--just part of life. Soon you won't really even remember it, and neither will your friends. But it will always have happened and always offer lessons and insights. Important ones, even. Does that make sense?"

"Ya, I get it."

My son sat alone in the van for thirty minutes after we got home. I heard him crying and talking to himself. Eventually he came inside and told me,"Mom. I figured out my lesson. When I have kids, I'm going to always ask them if they are comfortable going somewhere, instead of telling them if they should be comfortable or not. Like you do. I'm going to take care of my kids like you take care of us. That's my lesson."

I would love to go and thank that dead cow. He has nourished so much and so many, and helped me plant a seed that is already blossoming beautifully!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

My darling boy.

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This piece appears in my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up, along with many more stories of forever discovering who I am while exploring my relationships with the people I'm surrounded by. I invite you to read the book while sipping coffee with the people you're surrounded by! It's totally a coffee and conversation kind of book. Hugs! ~Tsara

Autism Answer: Showing Love

Who’d have thought fear of rejection was something parents would have to worry about with their kids? But for many parents of autism (and autistic individuals themselves!) it's a common concern. That’s because in trying to show love our way, we often bump into their challenges, get pushed away and feel rejected. Unfortunately, many parents--out of respect for their children--stop showing. Don’t! Instead, become an investigator of clues and discover how you and your child can share your love comfortably! 

With both of my youngest boys I had to play this game of discovering their unique affirmations of love, while helping them overcome challenges and sensory issues. And by letting me play this game and loving me for it, my boys helped me discover some of my own unique affirmations of love as well!!

For me, the struggle of feeling loved by my children was short lived and illuminating. There are so many different ways that people show love!!!

Because of the autism in my life, and the love of my fantastic and wildly different family, I am able to see and feel love easily, even when offered unconventionally! I bet you are too! And that, my friends, is only one of the fabulous gifts offered in a life loving autism!

Hugs, smiles and love!!