Autism Answer: The Picture You Choose And The Picture That Chooses You

When I was a little girl I wanted to grow-up to be a mom and a writer of novels. 

I also wanted to be a woman who could morph into a cat, but that's irrelevant. tee hee!

I would picture myself with noisy, dirty, happy kids who asked me questions about the characters in my books and saw me as successful. When my kids were misbehaving I'd be consistent and kind, respecting them while saying no, and though they'd argue a bit they'd inevitably listen and understand my rules. Even thank me for teaching them my ways. When I imagined my future children they were mostly playing and discovering and following their hearts, and when they were fighting I'd sing a Mary Poppins type song and the room would turn kind and understanding again. I'd go back to writing my books and getting praise from the millions of readers who had adored my characters and story lines--all of which were a part of me.

Well.... that's not exactly what happened! I did become a mom but quickly discovered that fatigue and self-doubt were much more prevalent than the odd spoon full of sugar! And while I struggled to find my footing in the more realistic--yet, also more fulfilling!--world of parenting, writing sat in my heart but fear kept it from finding its way to my fingers. Until one day I had an idea for a movie and sat up all night writing it. The experience was fabulous! And from that moment on I promised myself I'd keep writing. So when my mom offered me the job of PR person, writing emails and articles and press releases... I was thrilled! Writing became my job, and I've been loving it and learning about it with gusto! Of course, I've yet to write that novel. Instead I write about human rights, self-discovery, neurofeedback and play therapy, parenting possibilities, and more.

The picture I chose as a child was a child's picture, and though it was exactly what I wanted it was also without the beauty of life's surprises and my own journey of learning. So now I live in the picture I chose, along with the picture that chose me.

My mom always knew that she wanted to be a famous actress and a mother to many. When she was little her mind overflowed with pictures of the Von Trapp children climbing trees and singing songs while she performed with them as well as solo in movies, and while she taught the world about equality and the magic of the universe.

Well... she had to have a hysterectomy at the age of twenty-three, having only two living children at the time (me and my sister), and so she took a break from acting classes and auditions and movie roles to adopt and raise with love and equality a bevy of disabled and abused children. We were kinda like the Von Trapps with way less money... even performed and played together on a North American Prison Tour! Eventually she helped me and my siblings so much we hardly needed more, and so she wrote songs, inspirational comedy shows, got certified and educated, advocated for neurofeedback, created podcasts and an international reality series, and so much more; teaching the world about equality and the magic of the universe.

The picture my mom had as a child was full of fame and respect and children, but it was without the beauty of struggle and discovery. The picture she now lives in is the one she chose, along with the one that chose her. 

When my second oldest son was small he would tell everyone confidently,"I'm going to be a character when I grow up!" He knew his dream was to be an actor, and everywhere we went he wore his rubber boots and superhero cape, practicing his roles and honing his talent. However a not-so-balanced brain made quite a few things challenging, and so while he worked with intense devotion on his acting, dancing, and other skills we searched for the foods and nutrients that would balance him out--adding, of course, the fantastic tool of neurofeedback. Today my son spends a large part of his time rehearsing and performing on stage, and an almost larger part of his time advocating for organic food and careful educated eating choices.

The picture he had as a child was full of pretend and imagined worlds, but it forgot to include the physical reality of a body needing nourishment to discover superhero strength. The picture he lives in today is the one he chose, along with the one that chose him.

We--myself, my mom, and my son--have always had a pretty clear picture of who we wanted to be, and so it's been fascinating and fun to see clearly that our dreams have come true. Even if they look different than when we once dreamed them.

I also have loved ones whose pictures were less clear, yet they too have grown into their dreams. 

My sister wanted to be the boss, to be seen and respected as a person and not talked down to or belittled as children often are. I'm not sure what her picture was but I'm certain it included clean lines and organized beauty. And I hope it included singing, because man can she sing!! Today my sister has four beautiful girls who are always clean--except when I babysit! She is a producer of still-photo shoots and darn good at it. Being on her set is like being with friends working together on a project of passion, everyone always feels confident and comfortable because it's both organized and relaxed. And when my sister is at home with her girls, she sings!! And it's beautiful!!

I'm betting her life today matches the picture she had when she was a child, but with the business of life also in front of the camera. No longer hiding but fully visible and making for a more rich and real experience!

My oldest son always loved to take toys and furniture apart, only to put it back together again in unique and creative ways. He would direct and--well, boss!--his brothers around while they made traps in the yard, built forts in the house, and choreographed dances for living-room family performances. I'm positive the picture he had in his head was one of him hanging out with friends, telling people what to do while they looked up at him with respect and admiration.

Today he still loves to hang out with friends, and is finding his skill as a film editor and writer. Editing Autism Tips with Tricks for my mom, and writing pieces that expose and share his beliefs about society and freedom. He hopes to one day become a film director and screenwriter. 

The picture he had as a child was born out of a desire to play and create, but forgot to include work, gratitude, and failures that teach. The picture he lives today is very much like the one he chose, along with the picture that chose him. 

I've come to believe that life, or the magic of the universe, will always give you the picture you choose, but along the way will encourage you to add depth and direction to that picture. We can see that as being taken off course I suppose. I could look at the truth that I'm about to turn forty and haven't yet written a single novel, and blame the universe or myself for giving me so many other things to care about. Or I could thank the other things I care about for giving themselves to me.... and I like that better!

Create your pictures with intention friends, and help your children do the same. But don't be afraid to notice all of the surprising details that emerge as it develops. And allow yourself to switch focus now and then. It's really the best way to get everything you possibly can out of the picture!

Both the picture you choose, and the one that chooses you!

Hugs, smiles, and love!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Turning Something Wrong Into Something Right!

I bought my youngest son, Declyn, a book from the thrift store a few weeks ago. I saw it was written by an author he loves, and he was just about to finish the last in a series that he had adored and was feeling emotional knowing it was coming to a close, so I wanted him to have something to fill the void.

Anyway, he started reading it about five days ago and I was thrilled! But anytime I tried to ask about the book he just shrugged and was, honestly, kind of cranky. I assumed that the book wasn't living up to his expectations and let it go, knowing at least I tried.

Well, two days ago Declyn got in the car after school and just lit into me. "Do you know when this book takes place, mom? Do you? Right after the civil war. There are lynchings and lynchings, and the "n" word over and over, and more lynchings! I'm American AND part African.... it's hard to read this!"

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry! I didn't know! I just saw who the author was and read that it was part of a series I thought you would like... I should have looked a little deeper. You can stop reading hun. Don't keep putting that stuff in your head if it's hurting you."

Declyn pulled the book out of his back-pack and said,"No way. I have to finish. Plus, the main character is a white guy who's got feelings for a black girl, and he's standing up for all the black people. I want to be there for him, because he's putting himself in danger to help my people, so I'm going to stick with him till the end."

Then he continued reading. He finished the book yesterday and during the conversations we had because of it we gained so much!

I did the right thing when I bought him that book. Not because of the story, but because of why I bought it, and what we were willing to do with the feelings and ideas it came with. I bought it because I love him, was thinking of him, and know him well. And when he needed to talk about it I stopped what I was doing often to listen, and share my own ideas. And I encouraged him to put the book down and never pick it up again if it wasn't healthy for him, but then believed in him when he shared why it was healthy and important for him to stay with it.

If I could go back I wouldn't buy the book, because now I know what it would put him through and he doesn't need that at thirteen years old. The conversations we had about it and the things we learned because of it are things we will be offered again and again in life, so I wouldn't put him unnecessarily through it if I'd known before hand.

But, again, I still did the right thing when I bought the book because of why I bought it. And what we were willing to do with the feelings and ideas that came with it. 

I think it's important that we aren't afraid to try things with our kids, and that we are always willing to do what it takes to help them make it work. Honor the very real emotions that can come from books, friendships, video games, therapies, movies, songs, history lessons, and more. And then get in there and explore the feelings with them!

When we are thinking of our children, their interests and wants, and loving them while we do what we do, we're doing the right thing!

And when it goes wrong, we can go ahead and make it right.

"Make something good out of something bad."~Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD (from her inspirational comedy show performed in prisons)

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

My darling Declyn reading. This book is a little less intense!

Autism Answer: Ode to Stinky Feet and Farts!

I have four sons and as they each took their turns hitting puberty, along with their powerfully potent friends, you could very often hear me laughingly complaining,"Good grief! Everything smells like stinky feet and farts!"

And when I offered friends a ride in my car it was forever with the warning,"As long as you can handle the smell of stinky feet and farts. The odor has taken hold of everything I own and refuses to let go!"

Just as one son and his smelly posse learned the art of adolescent hygiene and gut health, another one of my boys would be inviting his buddies over to stink up the place.

For years and years I was surrounded by unpleasant body odors and adorably pathetic attempts to perfume it away.

But today when I walk in the house, or get in my car, or open a door to check on the kids, there is no longer the smell of stinky feet and farts waiting to greet me. I can no longer wrap myself in the smell of small boys becoming men. Because today my boys are already mostly men, and there are no small boys to teach and tease playfully.

Oh, life is still filled with scarily important teaching. No one is ever done learning, and my boys are only barely men. My youngest is not quite fourteen, newly out of the stinky feet and farts phase, but small boys they are not.

And though it's kind of nice to take in a deep breath of clean air with a light lovely aroma--a touch of coffee and a smidgen of popcorn--it would please me greatly to have a day pass into the past, and to once again tease and teach my boys a skill from the old days. A skill that today we take for granted and mostly forget to appreciate--which is right of course. It would be inappropriate to slap them on the back with pride every time they wipe their own butts, or to congratulate them on learning to wear clothes in public.

But it's also right to remember and appreciate the years of forward motion and lessons learned. Because no matter where we are in our lives there is some form of stinky feet and farts that we're living in, and remembering gives us the patience and confidence to believe that one day the changing winds will sweep the odor away, leaving only the memory of how we handled it.

My suggestion to you: Enjoy the stinky feet and farts while you have them, but continue to teach and know that one day they will (mostly) be gone. 

And believe it or not, you will kinda miss the once upon a time stink!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Living Within Our Means, And Loving It!

Sometimes I go get the mail and sigh sadly at the heavy burden of bills and bill collectors vying for my or my husband's attention. And every now and then I sit and daydream of a world where I send my sons to far-off places to learn and live lives matching exactly their goals and dreams, or of a brand new car that will travel the roads with confidence bringing me to see all of those I love everywhere they live, gas stations lighting up the empty roads while I pull out credit cards that are magically overflowing with credit. 

But mostly, almost always, I'm just happy. I love my life and have hardly any problem living within our means. We cut costs just like most families, and we hustle for money, just like most families. This is life, and I've decided to love it!

In truth, it's all about an attitude shift. I don't view cost cutting measures as things we have to do because we're poor, but rather choices we're making for the environment, society, family, and community. Even though...you know... we're also pretty broke and do get a laugh about that now and then!! I'll give you a few examples of my cost saving measures:

1) I don't grocery shop on an empty stomach, because when I'm hungry I tend to choose convenience foods which are slightly more expensive and ridiculously low on nutrition. So instead I take my time, sip a coffee, and buy foods that are high in nutrients. In this way we can eat less (because we are being nourished by smaller amounts of food) and our groceries will last the week. However, I do make sure to get at least one junk-food type treat that we can enjoy when needing to feel affluent and decadent!

2) I spend a lot of quality time with my boys--I have four teenage sons. We watch movies and talk about story lines, we dance in the living-room, we write songs, we go hiking and make each other laugh. Always we include my husband (who is a mechanic and is forever working!) by phoning him, talking about him, and celebrating him. And now that my two oldest sons have moved away we phone them, text pictures, mail packages... again, including them. These things are (mostly) free, but make us feel like we're really living it up. And they encourage a connection and feeling of support that is all too rare, and can't be bought!

3) We do almost all of our non-grocery shopping at thrift stores, which is really fun! Every item has a story--having lived in other homes or kept other bodies warm--and we get a kick out of imagining what that story could be. Also, we focus more on the recycling aspect of thrift stores rather than the cost saving. There's nothing wrong with being happy about saving money, but if we put too much emphasis on being broke then we are more likely to feel broke--which can be desperate and scary. Instead we get a kick out of our earth friendly thrift store purchases and the unlimited story imagining potential! 

These are just a few of my cost saving habits, but you get the idea! Living within our means and loving it is a choice, and I mostly choose it. 

Have there been trade-offs to living a life with less money? Well, of course.

The biggest trade-off I've made is allowing my oldest sons to move away from home when they were young (only fifteen), in order to follow their California dreams. My husband's job is in small town Texas, and so I chose to stay in small town Texas while my sons moved to California in order to live with my mom to go to an arts school, work with my sister (who is a producer of still-photo shoots) as models and production assistants, and go after their dreams of becoming film editors and actors. I would like to live in California, close to family, but there is no way we could ever afford it. And, in truth, I'm not sure my husband could ever be happy anywhere beside small town Texas. He's very comfortable here and it suits him. 

Are these trade-offs worth it? Absolutely!

My two youngest sons, who are still home with us, are doing very well in small town Texas. And my two oldest sons are happy and growing up beautifully. Most importantly, everyone has learned that you can go after what you want, regardless of income and other so-called hurdles. Our family has a feeling of support and togetherness that remains strong even while we're apart in miles, and we've broken free of the imagined shackles of poverty. When you make intentional choices about your life, and do it with support and passion, suddenly you see the limited value of money. 

I am not an advocate for poverty, but I do believe strongly in highlighting and seeking value in your life that doesn't rely entirely on money. There is much to be gained by living happily in your means, but there are also gifts being offered when living a life of feeling free financially. Free to give your time and donations to causes and people you feel passionate about. But the real gift offering isn't the money, it's the feeling of giving and discovering passions and people.

Regardless of your finances, there are always gifts!

This may seem strange but our small income has taught me how to accept financial help, or offers of food and clothes, graciously. I have always had a strange discomfort when getting money--even when I'm being paid for work!  But over the years I've had to learn to see the synergy in accepting help. When I was uncomfortable with it, I had a much harder time learning what I could do in return, because I was busy trying to hide away from people who I assumed were seeing me as pathetic. However, now that I can accept food, clothes, and other offered items from friends and even strangers comfortably, I'm willing to stay a while to find out what I can do for them. Suddenly, I see value is so much more than only things and money! I've learned to realize and act on the many things I can do for others that are equally valuable, and I've in turn been able to teach all of this to my fabulous children! Also, because my husband and I are comfortable living on a small budget I've gotten to spend so much time with my family, help out friends in need, and be there for my husband when my company is what he craves most. Always, I am available and more than willing. This has proved to be a much more concrete gift than I ever would have imagined!

And I feel successful! I walk through life proud of my accomplishments and excited to continue growing my what-I've-done-with-my-life list!

I really believe that the best intentional decision I made regarding feeling successful is attitude. In our family we tend to celebrate accomplishments, ideas, song lyrics, dance moves, the beauty of a night sky, the passion in our projects and the potential they have to inform, entertain, or enlighten. When these are the things you celebrate and talk about, these become the things you go after to feel successful. It's not as though we never wish we could buy an iPod or a car with less quirks, it's just that these are less often on our minds and so we less often feel broke. Because of this the other choices we make to stretch our money--accepting assistance graciously, organizing outings with the gas tank in the forefront of our plans, borrowing movies from the library rather than the Redbox--feel more like ingenuity and less like poverty. 

And how you feel is where you most often live. 

This is life, and I've decided to love it!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

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Author's note: I'd like to thank Kenrya Naasel for asking me the questions that led me to articulate these answers. And for complimenting my work which encouraged me to keep believing in it! 

Autism Answer: Don't Hold Tightly To Excuses

Many, many years ago, when I was the mother of only two boys, I was walking into a laundromat with my kids when an Arab woman stopped me. 

"Your boys," she pointed,"they are Arab? Yes?"

Their dad is Saudi Arabian so I nodded proudly. My boys are so many things!! If she got me started I would never stop talking. I LOVE talking about my kids!!

Of course, here you are reading my blog, so you already know that.

Anyway, she interrupted my eruption of showing off with this doozy. "Arab boys are bad! So stubborn and so bad! Good luck!"

Huh. Okay.

Here's what's funny. At first I was just relieved that my boys hadn't heard her, since they were busy running around the laundromat being.... well.... kinda bad! 

And then I felt a warm relief to have heard her say what she said. You see, my boys were wonderfully wild and strong willed, and not huge fans of listening or calming down. It made me feel better to think that maybe my kids weren't a lot of work because I was a bad mom or because there was something wrong with them. It was their DNA! She had given me an excuse for the exhaustion and difficulty in parenting my boys, and I liked it for a while. 

But I was smart enough (well, my mom taught me to be smart enough!) to know the danger in holding onto that "Arab boys are bad" motto. 

Admittedly, it is good to know that you're not alone, and that it's not "just you" in anything. It's excellent to have an understanding of the vastly different possibilities, whys, and whats that you're dealing with in anything. Culture, biology, religion, and so much more often does play a fascinating and fun to explore role in parenting, disabilities, social beliefs, romantic relationship expectations, political ideas etc. 

But there's a deep danger in choosing to hold on too tight and use it as an excuse rather than a possible ingredient.

So, for a few minutes that day in the laundromat I shook my head and even let out a fun exasperated sigh at my two "stubborn and bad" boys. But long before it could turn into a habit or excuse to give up and see my sons as actually bad to the bone, I stopped. 

And then I played color naming and imagination games as we sorted the clothes for washing.

My boys are many things, and all of them are something I love to live and work with! Even if sometimes it's exhausting and almost exasperating!

Here they are, my bad boys!
Playing in the plastic plants at the mall,
where they aren't allowed to play.
And though it was exhausting and people stared judgmentally at me often,
I miss those days!!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: I'm The Easter Bunny!! aka It's Okay To Be Found Out For Being Fun!

Back when Shay was in preschool, his classroom was having a little Easter celebration and we parents were invited to bring goodies and join in the festivities. We hadn't been there long when my son's teacher pulled me aside and whispered,"We have an Easter bunny costume. Would you mind wearing it for the kids?"

Would I mind?! Heck no! I was honored!!

So, the teacher conspired with me to explain quietly to Shay why I had disappeared, while I would sneak off to an abandoned classroom and don an extremely warm and somewhat heavy bunny suit. The plan was hatched!

The kids filed outside to look for eggs, and shortly thereafter I made my grand entrance. I hopped and waved and hugged and posed for pictures. However, I wasn't out there long before one of the little girls from Shay's class jumped up and hollered,"That's not the Easter Bunny! It's Shay's mom!!"

Shay didn't miss a beat and, excited to participate in the cover up, replied,"Why would you think it's my mom? My mom had to go home to feed my brother with her boobs."

The little girl was not fooled--nor was she covering her mouth to stifle laughter the way all of the surrounding parents were. "I know it's your mom," she said with matter-of-fact clarity,"look how much fun she is!"

This Easter bunny/mom was rather thrilled to know that was what gave her away!!!

Happy Easter friends!

Have so much fun!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

Autism Answer with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Changing The World With Moments

"Mom, I think humans have bruised the world with pollution and disappointment."~Shay Shelton (my son, two years ago)

Driving to school the other morning my son said to me,"Mom, do you know that almost all of my friends take medicine that's made to help them get through the school day? I mean, don't you think there's something wrong if you need drugs to get through the day? And I don't mean there's something wrong with my friends, I mean there's something wrong with the school day."

I said,"Absolutely. Our bodies, especially kids bodies but grown-ups too, were not created to sit still and listen to what we're told to think. We crave movement and creativity and following our own ideas as well as other people's."

"It's hard for our generation, but what's it going to be like for the next generation?" he mused.

"Well, there are lots of us doing what we can to make a difference for you and your peers, but it will be up to you to make it different for your kids."

We chatted a bit more the rest of the drive. Then we had a huge laugh when I pulled up in front of the school and called out,"Have a great day at school boys!! Learn something!!"

Some things we can change in a moment, but mostly moments have to be what change the things.

Engage in and enjoy your moments!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Shay Shelton
Getting an education by sharing, following, listening, guessing, discovering...
moment to moment to moment.

UPDATE: So, I ran into my son's school counselor and she said he came in to chat with her. She said they had a fascinating conversation about the public school system stifling creativity and more. She's excited to bring him some books to read written by authors who were also frustrated with the education establishment. I love it! She wasn't offended at all by his remarks, but rather enjoyed exploring options with him. 

There is something fabulous there, in the way my boys are celebrated and encouraged to share their ideas. It keeps us going and creating!

Not so stifling, huh! :D