Autism Answer: Choosing A Leader

It's voting season in the USA, leadership choosing season here in The States. 

I have a permanent resident card and love my life here in the United States. I cannot vote, so I tend to engage in the election seasons a little bit differently. 

I write articles, I debate concepts, I have fun conversations with my sons. 
For example:

Shay: Do you think I'm a democrat or a republican?

Me: Oh, honey! I suggest you never label yourself that way. It's one of the problems with the system, because once you choose a "team" you start gathering proof of why you're on the winning or right one, rather than truly listening to and considering issues. 

Shay: That makes sense. 

So, I don't call myself a supporter of anyone or any specific party, though I'm not unwilling to notice the party or candidate who approaches issues in a way I like. 

I do think it's smart to take a moment, alone, away from the influence of friends, family, and media, to know what you believe and what kind of leader you want. 

Here is an example of the kind of leaders I like to choose in my life: 

-----> Compromise but not Concede or Give Up on Issues
It's important to me that there is a willingness to compromise while knowing the value of holding strong to the core important values. When there seems to be no possible way to find a common ground or to agree on how to solve a problem, a leader keeps their eye on the core important piece and refuses to let go, though they can find ways to compromise on how it all happens. (I'm married, I'm a mom, so I know this can be done! It's exhausting and takes a lot of soul searching, but it's worth it!)

-----> Engaging Everyone To Participate
A leader isn't alone and isn't the boss of us. They are our visionary and hard working expert. They consistently remind us that we are responsible for voicing our wants and for exploring our talents and passions. We are responsible for discovering how we can help and for checking in with ourselves to see if we are still in agreement with the group. 

-----> Evolve on Issues but Rarely Have To
A leader is a visionary. They see deeper into the system and aren't easily swayed by it. They have a unique understanding of what's going on beneath the surface and what they KNOW to be right. In this way, they are consistent and strong in their beliefs. My favorite leaders fight for equality and fairness when it isn't "cool" because they know the value of it. They know it so well that they are willing to be laughed at, scorned, or considered crazy because that hurts less (though it hurts) than walking away from their core values and vision. 

-----> Keep The Big Picture On Display
Too easily we get distracted by the petty details and wander off into a tangled mess of seemingly important debates. I like a leader who keeps the big picture on display, who reminds us what we're working to create. I've lived long enough and made enough of my dreams come true to know the value of this. Every single time I've had a clear vision of what I wanted, I've gotten it. Despite all of the distractions that came along to busy me, all I ever had to do was remember that picture. When I get there, it always looks a little bit different than I imagined but it's unmistakably my dream come true. A leader, I believe, should continue to paint that picture for us and encourage us to do the same for ourselves. 

These are a few of the things I look for in a leader. I myself do not possess all of these qualities, and that's okay. We can't all be leaders! (Although we all are, for ourselves and at different times in our lives for others. However, some of us are leaders at the core while others are followers. Both roles are equally important and we are happiest when we take on our roles with purpose, passion, and open minds!) 

As I've shared with you often it was my mom, Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad, who led me to believe in myself, in the possibility of equality for my autistic brothers, in the value of working toward a world who would accept and appreciate absolutely every type of living being. And it was me who chose to allow that leading. 

I suggest with all of my heart that you take some time to define what kind of leader you want. Whether you will be voting, writing, debating, calling your local politician, spending your money with purpose, speaking at an event, chatting at the dinner table, some of the above or all of the above, I suggest we always take the time to evaluate and reevaluate our leaders. 

[And for those of you unsure I enthusiastically encourage you to read (when it becomes available) my mom's upcoming book: The Seven Senses of Leadership: The Brain Broad's Guide to Leadership Sensibilities. The book is filled with fabulous insights, actions, and ideas for all of us! I promise to let you know when it has been published, some time in the next few months. Here's a link to my mom's book page so you can check out all of the books she's already published, including books she's contributed to, in the meantime.]

So, though I can't vote, I do. With my words, my money, my conversations, and with a willingness to know what I want, shift what I want, and believe in a leader who will work with me to help us have it. 

Be sure to choose a leader who believes in you as much as you believe in them, friends!

The relationship is a symbiotic one. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!! 
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Choose a leader who encourages you to explore along the way, but also reminds you to keep going.

Autism Answer: Changing The World With Moments

"Mom, I think humans have bruised the world with pollution and disappointment."~Shay Shelton (my son, two years ago)

Driving to school the other morning my son said to me,"Mom, do you know that almost all of my friends take medicine that's made to help them get through the school day? I mean, don't you think there's something wrong if you need drugs to get through the day? And I don't mean there's something wrong with my friends, I mean there's something wrong with the school day."

I said,"Absolutely. Our bodies, especially kids bodies but grown-ups too, were not created to sit still and listen to what we're told to think. We crave movement and creativity and following our own ideas as well as other people's."

"It's hard for our generation, but what's it going to be like for the next generation?" he mused.

"Well, there are lots of us doing what we can to make a difference for you and your peers, but it will be up to you to make it different for your kids."

We chatted a bit more the rest of the drive. Then we had a huge laugh when I pulled up in front of the school and called out,"Have a great day at school boys!! Learn something!!"

Some things we can change in a moment, but mostly moments have to be what change the things.

Engage in and enjoy your moments!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Shay Shelton
Getting an education by sharing, following, listening, guessing, discovering...
moment to moment to moment.

UPDATE: So, I ran into my son's school counselor and she said he came in to chat with her. She said they had a fascinating conversation about the public school system stifling creativity and more. She's excited to bring him some books to read written by authors who were also frustrated with the education establishment. I love it! She wasn't offended at all by his remarks, but rather enjoyed exploring options with him. 

There is something fabulous there, in the way my boys are celebrated and encouraged to share their ideas. It keeps us going and creating!

Not so stifling, huh! :D

Autism Answer: Teaching then Playing vs Teaching while Playing

There is an immense and important difference between teaching our kids and then rewarding with play vs playing with our kids to teach.

It's:
Showing our kids what we know and telling them to show us that they listened vs having fun together, taking advantage of and practicing skills during play, valuing connections and exploring possibilities as a team.

It's:
Telling them what to do and what to think in order to get a reward vs sharing what we believe we know and encouraging confident additions or arguments and creative ways to do it different.

It's:
Get to know me and what I've learned vs getting to know each other and learning to communicate comfortably.

When we choose to teach our children and then reward with play we are suggesting that learning and skill acquisition are work, and that work isn't the fun part.

However, when we play with our kids to teach we encourage a generation of passionate, connected, playful, confident people who discovered their skills and ideas alongside parents who saw innate value and offered guidance and wisdom.

Not only that, but playing with our kids is way more fun that telling them to calm down and comply. And it's way easier!! They want to play!! They may not want to play our games our way, and they may prefer quiet stimmy games or noisy furniture bouncing games or focused perseverative interest games, but they want to play.

Let them show us the game, while we encourage the lessons.

Teaching is something we are always doing. When we do it while we play it's far more effective.... and fun!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton

International mental health specialist Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD
working hard teaching language and social skills and pattern recognition.
Looks like fun, huh?
It is!!!

~~Wanna see how beautiful and effective teaching while playing is? Have a look at the first video on this page! http://www.brainbody.net/videos/ ~~

Autism Answer: Engage with intention. Teach with creativity. Live with love!

Engage with intention: When playing with your kids, or hanging with your friends, remember to be engaged. Be in the moment, and also have a goal. The goal can be a skill, or a comfortable laugh... but have one! Don't put too much pressure on getting what you're after--the joy lives in the playful process and connecting--but be intentional!

Teach with creativity: There are so many ways to teach our kids and ourselves. The ideas are limitless! When asking for a change in behavior, clear language, or just a little awareness, be creative. Don't be afraid of a new idea or a way of teaching that might look weird or seem cooky... explore it! Not only will it make teaching more fun and effective, but it will exercise parts of your soul that are too often brushed aside for seemingly more important things.

Live with love: Why not?? What are your other choices?? The world is crazy and confusing, whether or not you're autistic. But crazy and confusing has the potential to be what we decide it is! We can live with a fear of being used or hurt. We can live with a worry for how the world sees us, or doesn't see us. Or... we can put on our comfy pants and feel good! Find fun in the crazy and our unique rhythm in the chaos. Live with love and it will live with you!

Regardless of how you choose to live, remember that by being you are also showing. You are showing your children what being an adult looks like, you are showing the world how you want to be treated, and you are showing yourself how you want to experience the world. 

The cool think about showing is that you can choose to change what you show, and be intentional with how you choose to see, whenever you want! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers 

Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD
Showing and teaching.
It's beautiful!

Autism Answer: Walking On Eggshells... Don't!

Probably one of the most valuable lessons autism has taught me is the importance of not avoiding meltdowns. I don't suggest being mean or pushing buttons just for the sheer tornado effect, but avoiding them entirely can be equally as harmful. 

We are never doing nothing. We are never teaching nothing. 

If you feel a loved one is in meltdown mode and you bend over backwards to avoid it, you are teaching them that the behavior is okay, that they can't handle life if the people in their world don't play by the rules, and you're making it harder for them hang with other people who may not know or want to bend over backward. I definitely suggest being aware of your environment and sometimes avoiding meltdowns, especially since you can then congratulate them (or you, if you are the autistic one!) on getting through something meltdown free-- which will reinforce the belief that we CAN do it! But avoiding meltdowns too often makes everyone's world smaller and smaller. 

NOTE: If you are the one on the spectrum, avoiding meltdowns would be avoiding things that you know overwhelm. You should certainly do that when feeling especially vulnerable, but my brothers have come a long way by learning to handle, and then enjoy the things that used to bring about meltdowns. My youngest son as well!

Learning the importance of not avoiding meltdowns helped me believe in, and teach, my brothers and my sons. It has also helped me willingly speak my own mind and insist on being treated kindly when I otherwise would have "walked on eggshells". What's funny is I think I made this mistake most with my oldest son, who is not at all on the spectrum! But I had this belief that if his days were mostly happy and his memories full of only laughter (and unicorns and rainbows!) then he would become a man with a strong self-esteem. I forgot that he would also become a man who was afraid of being challenged, unsure if he could handle it. Because I certainly didn't give him much opportunity or example that I believed he could!

So don't consistently walk on eggshells! Instead believe that you or your child can learn to handle round shapes, calenders with the five in the wrong place, conversations in surround sound, someone accidentally messing with a carefully controlled line of cars... etc! 

These things don't have to be learned by tomorrow, there is no rush, but it can be done!

So don't be afraid to ask for it!! Always with kindness and always with an honest interest in encouraging rather than pushing. 

And always with a motivator that the challenged child/adult has decided is worth going after!

Hugs, smiles and love!
Autism Answers

Autism Answer: The Person Behind The Label

My best friend is a brand new fifth grade math and science teacher. 

We make it a point to get together once or twice a week to walk and talk, although with her schedule and stress about being a newbie, it's been a little bit more important for her to prioritize family. I get it! However, our walk n' talks are important too. 

As a new teacher she looks at her students grades for signs of how well she is doing. How they behave in her classroom and how they do on tests is one way for her to give herself feedback and judge whether or not she's finding creative and fun ways to make the stuff she's trying to teach stick. Again, I get it. 

During our walks we talk about her progress, the test results of her students and discipline issues. And as a mom that is not a teacher, I can't help but always bring it back to the kids. Together we explore the person behind teachers, students and parents. It's good for us. 

I was with my friend when she decided she wanted to become a teacher, was with her while she visited counselors and experimented with psychopharmaceutical meds for herself and her boys, was with her when she went to school and insisted on remembering the plight of the student. 

It was her Teaching Philosophy that inspired the writing of my Parenting Philosophy. 

She insists on remembering the person behind the student but struggles because of the person behind her teaching. We remember during our walks that it isn't us against them. But it is us who sometimes has to remind them. 

It's our job to advocate for ourselves and for our children. We will do a better job, I believe, if we always remember the person behind the label. All the labels!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

My Parenting Philosophy

My children are the four most important people in my world. I will always observe, listen and ask questions so that I can know them as completely as any outsider could. However, it is important to remember that I will always be an outsider. It's important to remember this so that I don't make the mistake of assuming. Assuming I know what they mean when I listen, or assuming they understand what I want them to learn when I teach. 

So I will listen with all my heart, not just to their words but to the nuances and clues; and remember to teach by example. To be the person I can always be proud of presenting to my children. A person who laughs, reflects, make mistakes and laughs again! To be the me that I love and respect, and in that way remember to expect and teach it in return.

Parenting is loving by example. Parenting is praising accomplishments large and small, and asking for more. It is sharing a life with people who you desire to know so deeply that you are willing to truly know--and love--yourself. Because you would ask it of them.

Parenting with intention is the greatest way to discover yourself. And you are the ultimate gift from the Universe.