Autism Answer: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Little Brothers, and Moms

 

 

Me and my brother

His brown eyes seeking, his words profound, his question legitimate, the wish birthing it unreachable: "Why didn't my mom stop drinking? It was just nine months for her, a lifetime for me. My life."

My little brother was sitting across from me at my kitchen table, visiting me on one of his rough days. I could almost never fix the problems but I could sometimes help shift his focus. Which, quite often, served to guide him away from more problems.  

This is such a strong memory for me. Sitting there, impotent, as my youngest brother begged for an explanation while wanting, desperately, a different brain. His brain was working against him again and he was frustrated, exhausted, tired of working so hard to find his way. Always, for over thirty years and more to come, working harder than most to handle and understand common situations, and in large part because his mom drank alcohol while his little baby brain was growing in her womb.
 

Question: are you wondering about our mom? Wondering, maybe, how much drinking went on? Wondering why she was drinking while pregnant? Or wondering if he's my step-brother? Or if he's adopted? Question: Are you thinking things about the mom?

I've recently learned this about myself: I would be.

My brothers are my brothers. I have four of them and they are impressive. It rarely occurs to me that they're adopted. However, when the subject of their fetal alcohol spectrum disorder comes up it occurs to me. More accurately, it occurs to me to mention it.

It didn't used to, but my mom is an international brain change and behavior expert who tends to lead with her experience as a mom. A mom of eight now adult kids, four who had autism and various other co-morbid diagnosis. A mom who has helped all eight of her children become more than professionals or statistics allowed for. Mentioning adoption didn't occur to mom either until too often, when sharing what she learned about teaching people with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) by sharing anecdotes from her life as a mom to my brothers, people would get sidetracked by questions of why she drank while pregnant, or judging her for it, or just thinking about it so much they missed the lesson in the story. So, now she mentions it. Now we mention  it.

NOTE: It is not a bad thing, mentioning the adoption. I'm not trying to say it's unfortunate that we mention adoption. Adoption is beautiful. It is an awesome aspect of who my mom is (the determination, the lengths she went to for my siblings, is so mom) and an intriguing aspect of who my siblings are (they have limited access to their biological story and a mom who went to great lengths to be their mom). Anyone who's grown up in a blended family where some siblings are adopted, or step-siblings, or half-siblings, etc., knows that growing up as a family is simply family. No shame, but rarely does it occur to mention it. If I introduce you to  my brother, I introduce you to my brother. Not my adopted brother. 

 
However, I'm thinking about Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and biological moms. And my behavior, mentioning the adoption if I'm mentioning the FASD in my brothers, is telling. I don't want people to think my mom is at fault. I don't want them to think she was drinking while pregnant. It's not for sure that they would, but I don't want to risk it.

As I said, I recently learned that I would probably think about the mom.
 

I was invited to review the book Blazing New Homeschool Trails: Educating and Launching Teens with Developmental Disabilities by Natalie Veccione and Cindy LaJoy for Disabled World. (Click this link to read the review.) It was my pleasure! As I read the bio for each author I was surprised. They are homeschool moms to children with FASD. No mention of adoption. I got a flutter in my tummy, "Will they talk about it? Reach out to other moms who might be feeling too guilty about drinking during pregnancy to ask for guidance? Or to even recognize the FASD symptoms in their children because they don't want to see what may have been caused by them?

Now, reading the book I learned the children were adopted. That the question of "do they have FASD?" was a hard question to answer for those families because of adoption. Because their children's birth stories were incomplete and unknown.

But before I learned that, my mind had wandered and wondered. Why? Why had I wondered? Because there is stigma. 

"Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) is a brain injury that can occur when an unborn baby is exposed to alcohol. It's a lifelong disorder with effects that include physical, mental, behavioral and learning disabilities. These can vary from mild to severe."

Often people with FASD struggle just enough with learning deficits to feel as though, and be treated as if, they're being defiant. Or not trying hard enough. They're similarly capable to those around them, and indeed often exceed their peers in some areas, but there are areas of entirely real less common challenges that incite low self esteem. And the challenges become far more serious because we are unaware of the physiological problem causing them. 

Often people with FASD struggle enormously with learning deficits and feel completely incapable. They are treated as such. People give up rather than dig in and get to know the unique reasons and workings of the brain. 

Often people with FASD (and their families) fall somewhere in-between and struggle alone.
 

We do want to ask our children to try. We do want to raise the bar. It is the same when living with and teaching someone who has a mild or severe challenge. But understanding, or at least trying to understand, the very real difficulty they are living with that has to do with their brain, not an unwillingness or meanness, can be the difference between helping them grow vs pushing them to self-loathing, addiction, and bullying behavior.

But where FASD is concerned, there is the added hurdle of knowing it could have been avoided. Of knowing not drinking during pregnancy could have meant less difficulties.

My mom says, “You can’t walk gingerly. You have to step in and say I am gong to love you robustly, and we are going to get to the end of this!”

I think that includes being willing to accept that perhaps our children, even the ones that grew in our wombs, may have FASD. We have to make supportive room for moms to ask questions, to not be shamed if they seek ideas from others. To say, I drank while pregnant and now my child struggles with these symptoms, do you have any ideas for me?

At the same time, we continue to remind moms not to drink when they're pregnant.

"It's just nine months for her, but a lifetime for me. My life." My brother would have been best helped had she not drank during pregnancy. But he has also been undeniably helped by having a mom who taught with creativity, a fierce belief in him, and an understanding that though he could certainly learn, he learns differently.

Sitting at a kitchen table visiting my youngest brother, who has his own car, apartment, ideas, and sense of humor, is a delight. I want to help create a world that invites more brothers to the kitchen table. And moms.

We'll sip coffee.

Hugs, smiles, and love!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

Book Review: Blazing New Homeschool Trails: Educating and Launching Teens with Developmental Disabilities by Natalie Veccione and Cindy LaJoy

 This review was originally written for Disabled-World and can be found by following THIS LINK.

Blazing New Homeschool Trails book cover, surrounded by a wrench, roller skates, and a bowl of veggies. You know, homeschool supplies. :D

Weekdays: Bed times were tough. Mornings were tougher.

Weekends and holidays: those were the too-short sparks of absolute joy and comfort.

When my four sons were school aged I ached with worry and indecision about school. Each one of my sons, at different times and in their own ways, struggled to stay their vibrant brilliant selves while being shuffled through a system that has grown cumbersome and dangerous.

Eventually, my sons found their own ways out. General education diplomas mostly. My youngest graduated with his class and even went to University for a bit.

But I will always wonder what might have happened for them had I been brave, creative, and willing to homeschool them myself. Oh, I thought about it at the time. I thought a lot about it. But I always chickened out, falling on the excuse, “If I try and fail, then I've failed. If the system fails, that's on the system.” Of course, it's not about me it's about my children and this excuse does not hold water.

What, I wonder, would I have done had I come across the book Blazing New Homeschool Trails: Educating and Launching Teens with Developmental Disabilities by Natalie Veccione and Cindy Lajoy? What, I wonder, new trails might my sons and I have blazed had I discovered resources such as Cindy's Facebook group or Natalie's podcast?

I don't know what I would have done. But I do know it would have been a gift.

Regardless of whether or not you are a homeschool parent, a potential homeschool parent, or simply a parent who wants encouragement to blaze new trails, this book can be a friend.

Encouragement is the prevalent mood that barrels through Blazing New Homeschool Trails. Whether reading a segment written by Natalie or Cindy (both homeschool moms), there is a strong feeling of being believed in; being cheered on. And it is effective.

The authors don't deny the challenges. They share personal struggles and obstacles with us readers, put a mirror up to our own worries as they reveal theirs, and remind us that this will be work. But parenting is always work. Parenting neurodiverse teens in a world built with them as an afterthought, and too often considered a burden, is extreme work. And while we avoid the work that might do the most good we're doing the harder work of undoing harm.

I saw it with my brothers. My mom pulled all four of them out of school (they had various developmental disabilities, including FASD – Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) and they learned more skills and academics in one year of homeschool on the road with mom than they had the previous eight or nine years in a variety of schools and classes. They learned more and everyone was happier. I wonder, what would it have looked like had mom started sooner? How much less building up of broken beliefs in themselves? It doesn't help to regret, but it can help to share with someone who is still at the beginning and can choose to start sooner.

While reading the stories Natalie and Cindy share in their book I kept being reminded of mom. The people and stories are different, of course, but there are so many parallels. Adopting children with uncertain diagnosis and experiences, seeking help from educators who are often ill-equipped even if well meaning, moving neighbourhoods in order to leave persecution or overwhelming judgment, seeing your children as capable and worth the time while being frustrated with people meant to help who are unable to do so, inviting laughter and honesty into the home at every turn, and taking an approach to teaching that sets everyone up for a healthy future, not only good grades and other short-term accolades. I am certain you will recognize parallels from your life, too.

Blazing New Homeschool Trails offers a strong foundation while being a short and simple read. This book can be read quickly but does not leave you with less because of it. The tools to blaze your own trails are there, infused with encouragement and specific tips. Stories of what the authors did in their homeschooling, how it effected the family, what changes were made, and how things evolved over time.

More than that, they take the time to join you in your homeschool room. They include specific practical tips (the value of visual supports, for example) and also remind you to take advantage of the freedom homeschooling allows. Sometimes it's a good idea to simply change the subject, for example, rather than try to force a lesson. Pushing too hard at the wrong time only builds more barriers and leads to frustration and low self-esteem, for teachers and students. This flexibility is not natural in a typical classroom.

Blazing New Homeschool Trails can be helpful regardless of the type of learners your kids are. But it is particularly valuable if you're teaching and learning with people who have developmental disabilities of any sort. Both Natalie and Cindy look at their children from a place of love and belief in them. They don't ever use language that forgets. These are friends and role models you want as you blaze your own trails. Because that's the thing. You will have to blaze your own trails, with others as support but not exactly as leaders. This is something that comes through well in the book. They can't tell you how to do it. They can show you how they did it, what the guiding principals are to build your one-of-a-kind curriculum on, and why for many families it is more than worth it.

My sister is a homeschool mom. Her daughters were only beginning to struggle in school when she had a moment echoed in Cindy's story. Both my sister and Cindy had a strong gut feeling they would lose the spirit of one of their children if they didn't get them out of the school settings they were in. And both of them had the courage to follow that feeling.

Did I have a similar feeling when my boys were little? I think so. But I didn't follow that feeling.

Blazing New Homeshool Trails is a great introduction to what it can be to follow that feeling. Not all learners need homeschooling, but if you have a gut feeling yours might blossom with a different kind of learning environment, one you can build with them in mind, I recommend taking the time to read this book. Not only because helping your children blossom is lovely but because not doing so can hurt and harm them.

If you are already a homeschooling parent – especially if your students learn differently! - this book is a good tool to have on hand.

For parents who choose not to homeschool, this book is still a good idea. It can help you build a healthy learning environment for your children during after-school hours, weekends, and holidays. It can encourage you when you're feeling at a loss and remind you to look for opportunities a little differently.

For parents who have children, especially teens, that are developmentally disabled, this book is more than a good idea. It might be a necessary one.

* * *

Blazing New Homeschool Trails on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Blazing-New-Homeschool-Trails-Developmental/dp/B096LYJCJW

by Natalie Veccione and Cindy LaJoy

pages: 97

Autism Answer: Gone Are The Days

Generations of joy!

 
I think it's a huge and dangerous mistake we're making as a society. Shoving our children into lesson after lesson. Telling them what life lesson to learn and then celebrating for too short a time before telling them what next lesson to learn. 

I think, though, that it's beautiful, right, and sustainable to encourage, entice, and suggest life lessons. To fan the flames of their natural interest and curiosity while feeding the fire with our kindling of understanding and life learnings. To be part of the circle of life rather than force the straight path to often unhealthy destinations. 

Gone are the days of sharing among generations with equal interest and value given to each. I think that's a huge and dangerous mistake. Gone are the days of living among each other with value placed on our connections and abilities to help each other. I think that's a sad and lonely misstep. 

Gone are the days. But why? Who says? For whose benefit and pleasure? Our children sit in school while we toil away for money while our grandparents are shoved aside or forgotten; and then there's more toiling for money so we can pay for others to teach and care for our family. 

The days are not entirely gone, maybe, but forgotten. Tucked inside our memories while we work hard to make today happen. Buried under schedules and rules and manners and expectations and fear and bank statements. 

We don't have to live this way. We could celebrate and embrace the knowledge and tools of today while we shift and change the way we use them. We can appreciate the purpose of our inventions while we leave harmful ones to history books; alive in our memories as proof of the awesome things we can create, and our human nature to hold on too long, and (I hope) our willingness to purposely let go and recreate when proof of pain and harm are consistently present. 

I refuse to shove my children through learning after learning and instead choose to encourage, entice, and embrace what we learn together. It's far more fun and pretty easy. 

But you know what? It would be even more fun and far easier if you would join me! 

Gone are the days, we'll say, when we forced our curious and excited children to sit still and stop following their own interests on a whim. Thank goodness! Gone, we'll exclaim, are the days when we ran around making money for the sake of feeding and housing a family that could easily feed and shelter themselves if the gifts of the earth and our labor hadn't been "owned" by unseen others. Can you believe we did that? Gone, we'll sing with funky beats in hit songs, are the days when we put our loved ones aside because it was just too overwhelming to do the work ourselves. So silly we were, we'll admit, to search for answers mostly in articles and online memes when they were right there, answers and more, in the form of the experiences in our community! 

Society will never have it all figured out, we'll never get it all right, because we can't know exactly what effects our actions are having until we've spent some time involved in those actions. And by then we've become easily reliant on those actions. 

But that's what we can get right! The willingness and insistence of being honest with ourselves when we see what needs shifting, tweaking, or downright deleted. 

So, join me! 

Gone are the days when I want to be the weird mom who does it different. Gone are the days when I want to be the weird lady dancing and singing to herself, finding joy in the little things, only so that I can explain myself and my strange ways to well meaning strangers. 

Today I want to live in a world that engages in community, connection, and universal considerations. 

We can live in that world, if we want to. I promise you, even if it isn't perfect, it's got a lot of fabulous & fantastic to offer!

Also, there's coffee! <----- Powerful Selling Feature. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

My youngest son and my sister's youngest daughter; learning together.

 

Autism Answer: Choosing A Leader

It's voting season in the USA, leadership choosing season here in The States. 

I have a permanent resident card and love my life here in the United States. I cannot vote, so I tend to engage in the election seasons a little bit differently. 

I write articles, I debate concepts, I have fun conversations with my sons. 
For example:

Shay: Do you think I'm a democrat or a republican?

Me: Oh, honey! I suggest you never label yourself that way. It's one of the problems with the system, because once you choose a "team" you start gathering proof of why you're on the winning or right one, rather than truly listening to and considering issues. 

Shay: That makes sense. 

So, I don't call myself a supporter of anyone or any specific party, though I'm not unwilling to notice the party or candidate who approaches issues in a way I like. 

I do think it's smart to take a moment, alone, away from the influence of friends, family, and media, to know what you believe and what kind of leader you want. 

Here is an example of the kind of leaders I like to choose in my life: 

-----> Compromise but not Concede or Give Up on Issues
It's important to me that there is a willingness to compromise while knowing the value of holding strong to the core important values. When there seems to be no possible way to find a common ground or to agree on how to solve a problem, a leader keeps their eye on the core important piece and refuses to let go, though they can find ways to compromise on how it all happens. (I'm married, I'm a mom, so I know this can be done! It's exhausting and takes a lot of soul searching, but it's worth it!)

-----> Engaging Everyone To Participate
A leader isn't alone and isn't the boss of us. They are our visionary and hard working expert. They consistently remind us that we are responsible for voicing our wants and for exploring our talents and passions. We are responsible for discovering how we can help and for checking in with ourselves to see if we are still in agreement with the group. 

-----> Evolve on Issues but Rarely Have To
A leader is a visionary. They see deeper into the system and aren't easily swayed by it. They have a unique understanding of what's going on beneath the surface and what they KNOW to be right. In this way, they are consistent and strong in their beliefs. My favorite leaders fight for equality and fairness when it isn't "cool" because they know the value of it. They know it so well that they are willing to be laughed at, scorned, or considered crazy because that hurts less (though it hurts) than walking away from their core values and vision. 

-----> Keep The Big Picture On Display
Too easily we get distracted by the petty details and wander off into a tangled mess of seemingly important debates. I like a leader who keeps the big picture on display, who reminds us what we're working to create. I've lived long enough and made enough of my dreams come true to know the value of this. Every single time I've had a clear vision of what I wanted, I've gotten it. Despite all of the distractions that came along to busy me, all I ever had to do was remember that picture. When I get there, it always looks a little bit different than I imagined but it's unmistakably my dream come true. A leader, I believe, should continue to paint that picture for us and encourage us to do the same for ourselves. 

These are a few of the things I look for in a leader. I myself do not possess all of these qualities, and that's okay. We can't all be leaders! (Although we all are, for ourselves and at different times in our lives for others. However, some of us are leaders at the core while others are followers. Both roles are equally important and we are happiest when we take on our roles with purpose, passion, and open minds!) 

As I've shared with you often it was my mom, Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad, who led me to believe in myself, in the possibility of equality for my autistic brothers, in the value of working toward a world who would accept and appreciate absolutely every type of living being. And it was me who chose to allow that leading. 

I suggest with all of my heart that you take some time to define what kind of leader you want. Whether you will be voting, writing, debating, calling your local politician, spending your money with purpose, speaking at an event, chatting at the dinner table, some of the above or all of the above, I suggest we always take the time to evaluate and reevaluate our leaders. 

[And for those of you unsure I enthusiastically encourage you to read (when it becomes available) my mom's upcoming book: The Seven Senses of Leadership: The Brain Broad's Guide to Leadership Sensibilities. The book is filled with fabulous insights, actions, and ideas for all of us! I promise to let you know when it has been published, some time in the next few months. Here's a link to my mom's book page so you can check out all of the books she's already published, including books she's contributed to, in the meantime.]

So, though I can't vote, I do. With my words, my money, my conversations, and with a willingness to know what I want, shift what I want, and believe in a leader who will work with me to help us have it. 

Be sure to choose a leader who believes in you as much as you believe in them, friends!

The relationship is a symbiotic one. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!! 
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Choose a leader who encourages you to explore along the way, but also reminds you to keep going.

Autism Answer: Do You Have A Book Like This In Your Home?

"MIRACLES ARE MADE leads you on an incredible emotional journey. Lynette Louise is an amazing woman who brings love, inspiration and hope to families of children on the autistic spectrum. A must read for every parent!" ~Alisa Wolf, M.Ed. -SPED, Executive Director/Founder Actors for Autism 

 

Me and a book I love about a family I love; mine.

MIRACLES ARE MADE: A Real Life Guide to Autism still holds a place as one of my all time favorite books. Written by my mom I confess, I expected to roll my eyes and think things like "That's so mom." or "Who cares about us?" or "That story again?!"

But, no. I was moved, taught, guided, and newly in love with my adventurous pioneering family. Things that nobody would do because nobody was doing it, my mom did! She held our hands, kept a loving eye on how we were affected, and shifted course when her attentive and strange mind knew it was necessary. She always knew before things became a problem.

So, yes! It's "So mom," and thank goodness! Her out of the box brain, with the visions and the fairness and the love, love, love for all children, is unusual and beautiful and So Mom!

"Who cares about us?" We should! She reminds us why our unique family is uniquely valuable! Not because we're "cooler" or "better" but because we did it different, and it worked! 

"That story again?" The one where my brothers were said, by everyone who proposed to want to help them, to be useless and sad and pathetic and unhelpable yet my mom refused to see or understand such foolishness. And so she helped them, in unique ways that are not taught elsewhere, to never believe they (or anyone) is useless, sad, pathetic, or unhelpable. That story? Again! Please! 

"The parent is inevitably left as the final arbiter of what is good for the child, the final judge of what is and isn't helping. MIRACLES ARE MADE gives them the necessary background, and backbone, to level the playing field in the face of so many therapeutic options." ~Seigfried Othmer, Ph.D., Chief Scientist of the EEG Institute, President of the Brian Othmer Foundation, Author of ADD: The 20-Hour Solution

And she tells so many other stories! New ones I never knew from clients around the globe who she helped make their own miracles! Families with autism, Parkinson's, depression, ADHD, strokes, seizure disorders and much more. 

"In MIRACLES ARE MADE, my mom has shared with passion, humor and intelligence our lifetime of learning. The therapies, struggles and mistakes made along the road to independence for three of my four autistic brothers have become a gift for other moms. Other sisters. Other families. This book is a gift for anyone who spends any time at all with children!" ~Tsara Shelton, Writer & Coffee Sipper, Author of Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up 

MIRACLES ARE MADE: A Real Life Guide to Autism is a book about autism, love, family, neurofeedback, diversity, raising the bar and creative ideas. It's a book that I pick up and peruse again and again for inspiration and insight. 

I hope you have a book like that in your home!

If not, I invite you to take a peek at these: http://www.lynettelouise.com/book/
Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: The Man on The Wall

I was left nearly speechless last night, friends! Shay, my seventeen year old son, shared with me in detail a dream he had, the story he wants to write, and the meaning he believed it had. 

Now, I know Shay is brilliant and insightful in strange and sometimes scary ways. His confidence when connecting the problems inherent in the school system, for example, when coupled with his confidence in telling school officials all about it, has put us in challenging positions. His willingness to bravely walk into a room filled with bigoted and racist people specifically so he can tell them why they're dangerous, wrong, and cruel, knowing even the attitude that his opinions and ideas are equal to those of any adult in the room will anger and inflame them, has frightened me on more than one occasion. 

I taught my sons this, that they are equal and brilliant and free to think for themselves, but I didn't always know the dangers. I'm glad I didn't because, had I known, I don't think I would have been brave enough to teach what's right. My son, though, is brave. 

But he's also seventeen. He's brilliant and brave, with seventeen years of experience and seventeen year old angst. So his brilliant and brave connections are still less deep and more angry than I imagine they one day will be. 

Last night, friends, they were deep and the anger was absorbed into the narrative brilliantly. 

The dream, connections, and insights are his to tell, and he is planning on telling them. He spent the night writing it down and will probably turn it into a short film. But for now, he's given me permission to share some points.

The Dream/ The Story

*A school exists where the students are surrounded by a wall, a wall that they're told is to keep them safe from the outside world. 

*A drug exists that makes people hallucinate and see their surroundings as ugly and dead. They're told never to take this dangerous drug. 

*A group of students take the drug and adventure to the wall, which they feel curious and compelled to climb over. A man who lives on the wall greets them and invites them to come in. 

*Once on the other side they see diversity, nature, and beauty. "It looks like a forest in British Columbia." my son describes. They have been told that it's dangerous and cruel here, so they are sure that what they see now isn't true. 

*The students expect the drug to wear off and know that then they'll see the true ugliness on the other side of the wall. But when it wears off there's still only beauty. Until they look back. From this side there is no wall, and they see their school is decrepit and dead. They disappear into the beauty. 

*Two teachers (they are male, all the teachers are male) from the school go looking for the students and decide, also, to take the drug. Assuming it will give them insight into where the students would have gone. The hallucinations are intense and everyone looks dead. 

*At the wall they meet the man who greets them kindly. In return they are cruel, knowing what they've always been told: That things from the other side of the wall are dangerous and cruel. 

*The man then gives them what they expect, sending them cruelly away (with an imaginative and symbolic action sequence). 

*The teachers head back to their school, which looks decrepit and dead because of the drug, to warn others about the man from the wall. But their own fear and rush to conclusions sends them to their own demise. 

*I don't want to give away the ending. But it's insightful, and lovely, and intelligent. And kind of creepy. 

His Interpretation: My son then tells me that the dream is probably a direct result of Donald Trump talking about keeping others away, the drug represents truth, seeing everything within the wall as "dead" is symbolic of how we might as well be dead when we don't think for ourselves and welcome diversity, and my son says that in the dream HE was the man on the wall. He was the man who could see it all at once. 

The story, the dream, the connections are not unique to my son. We've all seen movies and read books and had dreams that tell this story. But it's always impressive and far more deeply known and understood when we create and share the story ourselves. For my seventeen year old son to have this dream and understand it, and then to feel obligated and excited to share it, that is somewhat unique. 

And very much him. Very much "a Shay thing" as we say around here. 

I get afraid sometimes of what can happen when my sons speak out and tell truths that threaten people with power. But because my son is only happy when following his true thought train, I'm more afraid of what can happen, what does happen, when we don't speak our truth. 

When we accept the wall and the stories we're told. When we don't experiment and see for ourselves.
When we choose to be anybody but the man on the wall. 

For me, that means allowing my sons, and myself, to tell our truths and live with the consequences. 

Until our truths change the consequences.
I hope you'll join us on the wall. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

 

He was up all night writing, and snacking on cereal.

Autism Answer: When You Find Your Answer, Celebrate! Then Seek Out The Next One

Sometimes I'll read a book or watch a film that makes me think,"Wow! My life has just been changed. My world is better now because of the perspectives and ideas and nudges this story has given me! I don't ever need to read another book or see another movie again. You know, if everyone in the world would just experience this story, there would be peace, love, happiness, and passionate people everywhere!"

And for a few hours I can't help but really truly honestly believe it.

It reminds me of when my mom would find a healthy therapy or diet choice for my autistic brothers. It reminds me of the times she worked day and night to afford vision therapy for everyone, or macrobiotics, or blue green algae. 

All of these things are part of the reason my brothers have grown so healthy, surpassed every expectation, discovered happiness and personal passions. All of these things were an almost obsession for my mom who'd think, "This is it! This is the story that makes sense and will give my children what they need to find all their answers!"

Which is lucky for us. If mom hadn't been almost obsessed, she may not have found the strength needed to dig deep and discover ways to make it happen. A little obsession or intense interest can be a gift when motivated correctly (as autism has taught us!).

I'll remember my mom, and think about the "perfect story" I've just experienced, and then I'll giggle to myself. Because I know important, healthy, thoughtful stories are like important, healthy, thoughtful meals. 

We need them. We should seek them out purposefully. But we can't stop with only one! 

And we don't all need the same foods in the same amounts. There is no "one right meal" or "one right story" and we will not be finished growing healthy from one meal no matter how carefully everything on our plate was grown, blended, chosen, and chewed. We need more than one perfect healthy meal. 

Besides, healthy meals are more than just a chart of specific nutrition broken down into perfect portions. Smells, moments, tastes, vitamins, and minerals all matter! The joy I get in a bite of cheesecake with friends nourishes me differently, but almost equally, as the spinach salad I had for dinner. 

It's the same with the books I choose to read and the movies I choose to watch and the stories behind therapies my mom found (and some she invented!) for my brothers.

It's smart to choose mostly spinach salad stories--ones that are rich in known nutrients-- so that we'll get vitamins and minerals that matter. But consuming only spinach salad stories will leave us sick and in need of more nutrients, even if we sprinkle in fancy bits and pieces. A handful of nuts or cubed cheese doesn't make it not still a spinach salad. Healthy is only healthy when we insist on variety and balance.

Healthy is different from person to person, culture to culture, soul to soul. Healthy changes over time and with new information. 

So I like to allow myself the grandiose thoughts of, "This story will bring world peace and never-ending cups of coffee to every home!" because that's fun. 

But soon I crave more. I need more. I begin to seek out more healthy stories; the next meal. Sometimes I even decide to invent it myself. 

So seek out healthy stories, friends! Eat and share healthy recipes for happiness and growth! Don't get so caught up in the seeking that you forget to enjoy the meals, but don't get so sure of the meal that you don't take time to be sure it's still healthy. 

And giggle when you find yourself thinking you've found the perfect panacea to all of the worlds ills. Celebrate it! I'm betting that's better than fearing there are no right answers. 

"Health is a series of choices." ~ Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad

So keep on choosing friends!
Keep on seeking the next meal!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

A few books I was sure would be enough. Then, I wanted more!

For fun:
A short list of books I'm sure are able to change the world for the better: 

Miracles are Made: A Real Life Guide to Autism by Lynette Louise
Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
We are Water by Wally Lamb
A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki
Go Set a Watchman by Harper Lee
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nahisi Coates

A short list of films I'm sure are able to change the world for the better:

Living with Lynette written by Lynette Louise
Remember the Titans written by Gregory Allen Howard
The Intouchables written by Olivier Nakache and Eric Toledano
A Knights Tale written by Brian Helgeland
The Never Ending Story written by Wolfgang Peterson and Herman Weigel
Carhopping written by Tsara Shelton (not yet produced) tee hee!

A short list of therapies and foods that helped my family grow healthy: 

Macrobiotic Diet 
Auditory Training
Dialogues and Play/behavior techniques learned from The Option Institute
Travel Therapy invented by my mom, Lynette Louise
Blue Green Algae and other supplements (esp. when we shift and change them over time) 

**The One that always helps everyone every single time**
Neurofeedback when done by my mom, Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad 
I'm certain it's because she's gifted at understanding the brain but also at understanding behavior. Mom is world renowned for her talents at helping people with neurofeedback.


 

Autism Answer: Find And Use and Appreciate Your Strengths!

When I think about my mom I imagine the words tough and smart and creative and kind insistence. 

When I think about my sister I imagine words like smart and cool and organized. 

I also used to think in both cases that those words made my mom and sister better than me. Oops! 

Words that come to mind when thinking of myself are silly and satisfied and following. And I often used to wonder about the validity of those strenghts. Even though my mom--who is a global mental health therapist--has told me over and over that when Dar (my still autistic brother) stays with me, he has an opportunity to assimilate his learnings and take a small break from her constant bar raising--an important step for him in his quest for independence-- I still wonder about the validity of my own strengths. 

But, as my mom constantly and kindly points out, with my own children I have taken the lead by following. I have used my skills as a satisfied and silly mom to be happy with who they are and find fun and silly ways to make sure they are happy too! 

When I was busy trying to be tough and smart, I wasn't helping anyone. In truth, I was drowning my own strengths in self-doubt. And, in turn, teaching my kids to do the same. Not cool!

Now I can see that my strengths are equally as useful as anyone else's, even my mom's and my sister's! 

And guess what that must mean?! 

So are the strengths in our kids and friends and neighbors!! Regardless of labels, colors, cultures etc.!! Let's use our strengths to help each other find all of the strengths!! 

My guess is that it will be fun for all of us! 

Hugs, Smiles, and Love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Coffee Sipping: A Strength that runs everywhere in my family!

 

Autism Answer: Back to School Virus

My boys go back to school Monday. Also, we haven't been feeling well the last couple of days.

I think there's a connection.

Here's the thing. My sons get a lot of good stuff out of going to school, but it takes intention and purpose and a fair amount of doing things in ways that the administration isn't set up for. We can be challenging for teachers and counselors--though so far we've mostly also been liked by them. Mostly! Every school year we do a lot of explaining who we are, why we do the things we do, and how we best move forward. This explaining is for ourselves as well as others!

The summer holidays are filled to bursting with discovering, being, playing, almost never looking at clocks or schedules. Of course, as the boys get older they have jobs and projects that require scheduling to exist in some form or another, more and more. Even during the blissful holidays!

Which brings us back to school, and some of the biggest and best things my sons (and I!!) get out of it. A place to practice working on a schedule created by an entity other than ourselves. A place to encourage our unique talents to find their value within a crowd of others; other people and other agendas. A place to insist on being ourselves and discovering what that means while making room for other people to be themselves alongside us. Oh ya, and they learn math and science and french there too!! 

There's plenty of potential for important and awesome lessons at school!! But, man, it's a lot of work!!

So today we're dealing with a slight "here we go again, being ourselves while learning to make it work in a group without reinventing ourselves while being open to rethinking our thoughts when it matches what we want, not only so it'll match what other people want" virus. **NOTE: I'm not sure if that's the scientific term. tee hee! 

Symptoms may be but are not limited to : lethargy, junk food cravings, swimming brain and airheady-ness (aka lack of focus), and a strong desire to unplug all phones while hiding away from people.

We'll feel better by tomorrow, now that I've identified the problem. No wonder washing our hands and taking vitamin C wasn't working to fight this illness! What we needed was to remember that this is the work of life that--though challenging-- we're actually pretty good at!! 

But for tonight we'll take advantage of our low energy and sore bodies by sipping sparking apple cider in fancy wine glasses, snuggling on a pile of pillows, and watching a family movie!! 

Feel free to join us!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Back to School!
This Kind of Freedom,
on a Schedule.

Update:
I wrote this post for my Facebook Page a few days ago. I almost always write stuff there first, and then share it here. Anyway, we went to the school the other day and Shay (my sixteen year old) showed me around, pointing out his favorite classes and such. We had a blast, and now we're looking (almost) forward to school Monday!!! That back to school virus ain't so tough!!
Hugs!!!!

Autism Answer: Changing The World With Moments

"Mom, I think humans have bruised the world with pollution and disappointment."~Shay Shelton (my son, two years ago)

Driving to school the other morning my son said to me,"Mom, do you know that almost all of my friends take medicine that's made to help them get through the school day? I mean, don't you think there's something wrong if you need drugs to get through the day? And I don't mean there's something wrong with my friends, I mean there's something wrong with the school day."

I said,"Absolutely. Our bodies, especially kids bodies but grown-ups too, were not created to sit still and listen to what we're told to think. We crave movement and creativity and following our own ideas as well as other people's."

"It's hard for our generation, but what's it going to be like for the next generation?" he mused.

"Well, there are lots of us doing what we can to make a difference for you and your peers, but it will be up to you to make it different for your kids."

We chatted a bit more the rest of the drive. Then we had a huge laugh when I pulled up in front of the school and called out,"Have a great day at school boys!! Learn something!!"

Some things we can change in a moment, but mostly moments have to be what change the things.

Engage in and enjoy your moments!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Shay Shelton
Getting an education by sharing, following, listening, guessing, discovering...
moment to moment to moment.

UPDATE: So, I ran into my son's school counselor and she said he came in to chat with her. She said they had a fascinating conversation about the public school system stifling creativity and more. She's excited to bring him some books to read written by authors who were also frustrated with the education establishment. I love it! She wasn't offended at all by his remarks, but rather enjoyed exploring options with him. 

There is something fabulous there, in the way my boys are celebrated and encouraged to share their ideas. It keeps us going and creating!

Not so stifling, huh! :D

Autism Answer: Engage with intention. Teach with creativity. Live with love!

Engage with intention: When playing with your kids, or hanging with your friends, remember to be engaged. Be in the moment, and also have a goal. The goal can be a skill, or a comfortable laugh... but have one! Don't put too much pressure on getting what you're after--the joy lives in the playful process and connecting--but be intentional!

Teach with creativity: There are so many ways to teach our kids and ourselves. The ideas are limitless! When asking for a change in behavior, clear language, or just a little awareness, be creative. Don't be afraid of a new idea or a way of teaching that might look weird or seem cooky... explore it! Not only will it make teaching more fun and effective, but it will exercise parts of your soul that are too often brushed aside for seemingly more important things.

Live with love: Why not?? What are your other choices?? The world is crazy and confusing, whether or not you're autistic. But crazy and confusing has the potential to be what we decide it is! We can live with a fear of being used or hurt. We can live with a worry for how the world sees us, or doesn't see us. Or... we can put on our comfy pants and feel good! Find fun in the crazy and our unique rhythm in the chaos. Live with love and it will live with you!

Regardless of how you choose to live, remember that by being you are also showing. You are showing your children what being an adult looks like, you are showing the world how you want to be treated, and you are showing yourself how you want to experience the world. 

The cool think about showing is that you can choose to change what you show, and be intentional with how you choose to see, whenever you want! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers 

Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD
Showing and teaching.
It's beautiful!

Autism Answer: The Person Behind The Label

My best friend is a brand new fifth grade math and science teacher. 

We make it a point to get together once or twice a week to walk and talk, although with her schedule and stress about being a newbie, it's been a little bit more important for her to prioritize family. I get it! However, our walk n' talks are important too. 

As a new teacher she looks at her students grades for signs of how well she is doing. How they behave in her classroom and how they do on tests is one way for her to give herself feedback and judge whether or not she's finding creative and fun ways to make the stuff she's trying to teach stick. Again, I get it. 

During our walks we talk about her progress, the test results of her students and discipline issues. And as a mom that is not a teacher, I can't help but always bring it back to the kids. Together we explore the person behind teachers, students and parents. It's good for us. 

I was with my friend when she decided she wanted to become a teacher, was with her while she visited counselors and experimented with psychopharmaceutical meds for herself and her boys, was with her when she went to school and insisted on remembering the plight of the student. 

It was her Teaching Philosophy that inspired the writing of my Parenting Philosophy. 

She insists on remembering the person behind the student but struggles because of the person behind her teaching. We remember during our walks that it isn't us against them. But it is us who sometimes has to remind them. 

It's our job to advocate for ourselves and for our children. We will do a better job, I believe, if we always remember the person behind the label. All the labels!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!

My Parenting Philosophy

My children are the four most important people in my world. I will always observe, listen and ask questions so that I can know them as completely as any outsider could. However, it is important to remember that I will always be an outsider. It's important to remember this so that I don't make the mistake of assuming. Assuming I know what they mean when I listen, or assuming they understand what I want them to learn when I teach. 

So I will listen with all my heart, not just to their words but to the nuances and clues; and remember to teach by example. To be the person I can always be proud of presenting to my children. A person who laughs, reflects, make mistakes and laughs again! To be the me that I love and respect, and in that way remember to expect and teach it in return.

Parenting is loving by example. Parenting is praising accomplishments large and small, and asking for more. It is sharing a life with people who you desire to know so deeply that you are willing to truly know--and love--yourself. Because you would ask it of them.

Parenting with intention is the greatest way to discover yourself. And you are the ultimate gift from the Universe.