Autism Answer: Being Supportive Of Our Brothers - But Not Blindly

Peace and Power

Timely Note: There is a movement happening right now. We are perched precariously in a place where women, girls, boys, men, people are speaking up about abuse and are beginning to be believed. We are wobbling on nervous legs here, hoping to do the right thing and make a safe, correct shift that doesn't demonize or frighten folks to the point of imploding an important and necessary change. I, too, am hopeful and anxious and reliving past pains with present understanding. Many people we love and admire are playing various roles in this story and we are being asked - being required - in real time to figure out the safest way to handle this. For ourselves and, even more so, for future generations. I am sharing the following conversation I had with a local girl as an example of how I am trying to be candid, honest, clear, and kind. It is my habit, in the interest of being liked and avoiding confrontations, to easily agree with people or simply smile and nod understanding of someone else's opinions when I don't agree. But over the last few years I have been actively practicing sharing my opinions in the moment, with thoughtfulness, even if they clash with the person I am speaking to. I hope that my caring came through as I spoke up for all the victims in the following story. ~Tsara  

_______________________________

A condensed version of the conversation I had last night with a young girl in our small town:

I stepped outside of our local grocery store and she was sitting alone on a swinging chair that is for sale. She is often sitting there, asking for things from passers-by. She and many of her other family members are known to do so.

HER: So, I guess you know where my kid-brother is.

ME: I think so? I heard he was in jail.

HER: Yes. Do you know what he's accused of?

ME: I'm not sure.

HER: Well, I'll tell you. Wait till these kids walk past.

She hesitated; the kids frowned at her uncleanliness and strong scent as they walked past; I acknowledged the moment as important before being certain why.

HER (Con't): Well, he's in jail for rape of a family member. Can you believe that? Now, you've known me and my brother for years and years, does that sound like something he'd do?

She looked at me expectantly.

ME: Oh, I can't say I know. I've experienced and known people to experience rape and assault enough to know that it isn't possible to guess who would or wouldn't. But I am sorry for you and your family. This must be a rough time.

HER: Ya, okay, I see your point. But you've known us long and is that something you can believe he would do?

ME: Like I said, I don't know. I hope not. There was absolutely no way I would have believed my step-dad could molest me, yet he did. He was the one who would never do that, we were sure. We just KNEW he would protect us from such things and were only afraid he may overreact if someone else did do something of the sort. Yet, he molested me. My mom had to leave him.

HER: Okay, fair point. That sort of thing has happened to me, too. But the girl who's accusing him, okay? Just days before she said this happened she had been running around having sex with a few guys. How can she then call anything rape?

ME: Oh, I've done that, too. You can be promiscuous but still get raped. In fact, it often happens. Sometimes people will think that you aren't the kind of girl or guy who says no, and when you do they get pushy or full-on dangerous. It does happen. I'm not saying that your brother did rape this girl, by the way, I'm just being honest that I can't pretend I don't believe it. My feeling is I don't know.

HER: Oh, well, you probably even know this girl. You'll see what I mean when I tell you who it is.

ME: I probably don't know her, actually.

HER: Oh, ya, that's right. You always stay out of everyone's business. That's good. That's a good idea.

ME: Look, hun. I'm not trying to be mean. I honestly feel for you and your family. I honestly care and hope that things turn out for the best in this situation and that everyone discovers some sort of important lesson. I do. I promised to keep you in my thoughts.

HER: (quietly) I just keep thinking that we are going to look so stupid if he really did do it, you know? All of us who are fighting for him and believing him. My mom wants to kick the b*tch's ass, but what if he did do it?

ME: Listen. You can love, support, and help your brother whether he did or he didn't do it. If he did do it, he will need support and love just as much if not more. He will need strong people insisting he NEVER do such things again. Strong women SHOWING him how to treat a lady with respect. People willing to say what needs to be said and risk hurting his feelings while coming from a place of believing he can make changes, he can be better. And if he didn't do it there is likely a reason she said he did. There is likely a lesson still to be discovered and acted upon. Does that make sense?

HER: Yes, I see. Yes. Well, you make good points.

ME: Well, I don't know if they are good or not but they mean a lot to me. They have helped me. Seriously, I'm sorry about the situation. Truly, I'll keep you in my thoughts and send love and hope your way.

HER: Thank you. Thank you. Hey, tell Tyran* that when he's a famous actor I want to walk the red carpet!

ME: (Hugging her) I'll let him know! We tell him all the time that you say so. Have a nice night!

I climbed into my car and hoped I had not been too cruel but also felt proud of myself for being honest and clear.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

*Tyran is my second oldest son and his ex-girlfriend is a cousin of the girl I was talking with. 
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Autism Answer: You know, there are a few reasons why I think I was able to be clear and kind and honest when talking about this uncomfortable subject with this girl. One of those reasons is simply, as I said in my introduction, that I've been practicing. But in all honesty the two main reasons I was able to speak up in this way are: 

1) I am much older than this girl. Because of that she automatically talks to me and listens differently while I inherently do the same. Had it been her mother talking to me I'm not as certain that I would have spoken up. I have been practicing so I may have. But I also may have reverted to my uncomfortable habit of keeping quiet while simply nodding understanding. I am quite good at not pretending I agree with people that I don't agree with, but I'm less good at making my disagreement clear because I am busy being sure they see I understand their point of view. 

2) However, the biggest reason I was able to have the conversation this way with this girl is autism. Growing up in a home filled with autism - where one of the biggest challenges is social understanding - has meant growing up in a home that speaks clearly about every single type of social interaction. We could not shy away from sex or sex talk as my brothers grew older because they were, as most living creatures are, interested and intrigued and curious about sex. So we often talked openly about what is and what is not okay, not in broad terms but with very specific language. Even, sometimes, role-playing social situations so that we all could practice and clearly understand possibilities, reactions, and choices. It was not only enlightening for my brothers but, man, did I ever learn a lot about behavior! It encouraged empathy. It encouraged honest introspection. It encouraged combining strength and kindness as a rule. 

While speaking with the girl I felt empathy for her, I thought about my own mistakes and allowed her the same leeway, and I insisted on strength from myself and for her as a  kindness. And the conversation was not entirely uncomfortable because, for me, it was familiar. The specifics were different but the message was the same. Social situations are filled with invisible baggage and warring wants and personalities that mingle with often unpredictable effect. Sometimes someone we love or admire does something we can not allow. Sometimes we ourselves do something we can not allow. We must be willing to see and change these things without needing to demonize or hate. It isn't easy, darn it. But it needs to be done. 

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Autism Answer: Werewolves and Anxiety

Walking into the high school with my second youngest son (on our way to watch my youngest son perform) he stopped suddenly and squished my cheek.

"I think I figured out why I love werewolves so much."

"Umm... okay."

We started walking again, heading with the crowd toward the ticket sale line, and he explained. "As soon as we started walking toward the school I could feel my anxiety rise, my body felt nervous and fuzzy. Then when we walked in I felt a shift, a change, and I even noticed my body move like in the movies when people change forms, become the wolf. My anxiety has always been like that. I feel it coming, and then I feel myself change no matter how hard I try not to. I can't control it." 

I stared at him for a minute. As he had explained his theory I'd watched his body move subtly like werewolves in movies. It was fascinating! Insightful, scary, enlightening; useful!

"Wow, that makes so much sense! Do you feel the anxiety now?"

"Oh, yes. Always at this school." He turned at looked straight into my eyes. "Always at this school."

By now we had made it to the front of the line. I purchased our tickets, exchanged a few excited words about the upcoming show with the mom volunteer, and then held my son's hand as we headed into the theater. 

"Well, I'll tell your brother how much his show meant to you. That you were willing to risk staying in your werewolf form for him. But if you need to leave at any point just tell me. For now, you can control the anxiety - or 'the wolf' - by choosing your environment."

"Thanks, mom." 

He looked relaxed. He held my hand. 

We enjoyed the show.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My son and I, at the show!

 

Autism Answer: They're So Big, These Small Silly Things

*Trigger Warning-
I've written this in honor of sexual assault awareness and prevention month.* 


"Let's Face It, Your Prince....
Turned Into A Toad."
I'm sorry. Love you Mucho,
~Dad
___________________

That's what the card my step-dad gave me when I was twelve said. That's one of the ways he apologized for molesting me. 

I had told my mom about the midnight touching and she kicked him out of the house. But first she insisted he apologize to me. 

At the time this card, with a cartoon drawing of a prince on its cover and an adorable little toad on the inside, seemed almost ridiculous.

It wasn't. 

I still have it today. 

My mom is brilliant. 

My step-dad not only admitted his guilt, he gave me something physical that blamed him. Not me, him. 

You have no idea how big that is. How comparatively easy it made my healing, and possibly his. 

Well, maybe you do know. 

A scary number of boys and girls, men and women, are raped or molested. 

A scary number are never believed and are alone in their healing. That's after they've gotten the courage (and boy, does it take courage!) to tell someone what happened to begin with. 

A scary number never tell in the first place. 

My mom is brilliant. 

Not only was she aware of how important it would be for me to know entirely that I was believed and not at fault (because she is one of the scary numbers who was not believed and even blamed) but she insisted he apologize and make it obvious. 

Not only did I heal in ways my fellow molested brothers and sisters often never do, I learned the value of small seemingly silly offerings. 

If I can do something to help someone, or can do something to make up for my own mistake or failure, but the something seems inadequate, I'm tempted then not to do it at all. It's almost embarrassing sometimes to do such small silly things. 

But then I remember that card. Bought by my step-dad at our corner drug store when my mom insisted he apologize for molesting me. 

"Let's Face it, Your Prince...
Turned into a Toad."

He did. 

But by clearly acknowledging it we were both free to find new princes and far away lily pads.

How big they are, these small silly things. Don't ever be afraid or embarrassed to do what little you can. 

Because quite likely it's not silly or little at all. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!! 
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Jeff: A Sexually Realized Spiritual Odyssey of Stepping Into Love-- by Lynette Louise

*I never saw my step-dad again and he passed away about ten years ago. He had a new life and I hope it was worthy of him. Of course, because I never saw him again, I don't know what that would be.

**If you are struggling with abuse the effects of abuse, past or recent, I encourage you to reach out to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) and also to read the book my mom wrote. Jeff: A Sexually Realized Spiritual Odyssey of Stepping Into Love. With poetry, candor, and masterful storytelling she'll find you wherever you are in the dark and hold your hand as you step together into the light. My mom (Lynette Louise, The Brain Broad) is kind and strong that way. Hugs!!

Autism Answer: Trigger Control

I read a fantastic blog post by Caitlin Kelly. In Everything's a Trigger on her Broadside Blog, she mentions "re-branding" our triggers. More specifically, she shares a romantic story of being proposed to by her current husband at a place and time to specifically re-brand her trigger. It's sweet, and it worked!

She encouraged us, her fans and followers, to share our own experiences with triggers and I excitedly shared one of my own successful trigger "re-brands". My comment:

"The movie Little Shop of Horrors with Rick Moranis was a trigger for me. When I was twelve my step-dad had been molesting me. That was hard. However, the soul shattering fear I felt in the exact moment that I told my mom, said the words out loud, was harder. And that movie (a family favorite, at the time) was playing in the adjoining room when I told. The moments following the telling were challenging, and putting the pieces back together proved to be a lot of worthwhile work, but nothing compares to the feeling in the moment I admitted that what was happening was real, and was everyone’s problem. 

But I’ve re-branded the movie by renting it, watching it often, and singing the songs with my sons. The re-branding worked beautifully because being with my boys always makes me feel strong and put together, and watching them point out different favorite parts than the ones my sister and I had adored, encouraged me to see the movie with entirely new eyes!
You have a lovely husband, Caitlin. How wonderful of him to help you re-brand a trigger so romantically!! Hugs!!!" ~~~

Yes, even when I'm hanging out on the web with other friends I use too many exclamation points. They're such fun!!!

Anyway, it got me reflecting. 

In the world of autism we are surrounded and abused by triggers! Sensory issues, communication challenges and so much more make many of us almost like a walking/running/rolling upcoming disaster. The most common and expected things out in the world beyond our personally renovated and decorated homes can trigger us, or our loved ones, to meltdown or retreat or have anxiety attacks.

But we've also learned that we are responsible for controlling our own triggers. When my brother couldn't hold back from huffing and hitting at the site of knees and elbows, my mom didn't campaign for the world to stop having knees and elbows, or for them to always wear long sleeves and thick pants and NEVER bend in my brother's direction. Instead she was understanding and kind to my brother, while finding a way to help him take control and re-brand that trigger. It took years, but it was worth it.

I can't expect the world to know not to play a song or quote a line from Little Shop of Horrors when I'm around (in fact, today at our town's Parkfest I clapped my hands and cheered as a group of itty-bitty girls performed a dance to the opening number from that movie!) but I could ask my family and friends to understand when hearing it made me go pale and my lips become numb. I could explain and expect understanding when my voice grew small and my world became out of focus.

And I could take control of my trigger by finding a new way and new reason to watch the movie. And I did! And now I love it!!

Yet, in truth, I still fight the initial tummy tumble and shrinking of myself, but it's so short and almost unnoticeable that I can't honestly call it a trigger anymore. It's just something of a memory that I will likely always have. That's okay!

So go ahead and control your triggers! Show and teach your children that they can too! Don't expect it to be quick, and don't ever belittle the very real reaction they are having to the trigger, but encourage and believe they can re-brand!!

Happy Saturday friends!
And now, "It's super tiiii-iiime. Come on, come on..... " 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: ONE: It's not your Fault. TWO: What can you do different?

I wrote this article with a focus on sex abuse survivors. 

However, the idea that we are often afraid to learn from accidents or traumatic events where we really aren't to blame, but did play a a role, is universally problematic. Traveling down the "what could I do differently" path often reveals harmful choices we ourselves made that may have encouraged a disaster, or put us in the path of one. 

As parents we have to get comfortable knowing that the way we played, or didn't play, with our children is part of who they are becoming now. We must be willing to look at some of the rules we made, or didn't make, that may have been accidentally harmful to our children, because at one point we just didn't know better.

I see a willingness to look at our own part to play, even when it really wasn't our fault, as strong, brave and powerfully important. 

If you choose to read the article I wrote, please keep that point in mind. It's not about sexual abuse so much as it's about being open to learning from ourselves, even if it means seeing what we could have done different. 

Especially then!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Us teens enjoying some sun.
Man, that was long ago!! 

ONE: It’s not your Fault

TWO: What you can do Different

When a child is molested or an adult is raped they are told—rightfully!—that it’s not their fault. 

However, it is far less common to then point out what they could do different so that it’s less likely to happen again. It’s in this place that many of us survivors of sexual abuse are let down and harm ourselves even further. Because if it isn’t our fault, but there are no steps we can take to avoid it happening again, then the world is dangerous and unpredictable. And it has chosen to hurt us specifically. 

My step-dad (who we all called dad) molested me when I was twelve. I knew it wasn’t my fault, and I knew that if I told my mom she would not only believe me but would also make it stop. But I also felt like telling my mom would mean ruining our family, and that a strong woman could keep her mouth shut. I mention this because no matter how sincerely you tell a victim that they are not to blame, they’ll find something to feel responsible for—so it’s important to give them more. After my dad came into my room a second time I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle life in our home if I didn’t tell my mom. Plus, by then I’d started to see all of the other things he was doing inappropriately, even outside of the midnight molesting. It took some time and an unlikely opening (my mom told me I needed to keep my room cleaner and so I yelled at her, “Well maybe if someone would stop sneaking into my room at night to touch me, I would!”) but I did disclose the happening, and she did believe me. She also made it stop and we spent years learning about the cycle of abuse. 

After telling my mom our lives did change. For my mom it meant taking care of eight kids (six adopted, four on the spectrum of autism) by herself, but with a freedom to learn and teach and become who she’d always wanted to be. Life was much better, but also harder. Learning what you could have done differently is important, but it hurts. Because before you knew, you made dangerous choices. My molestation wasn’t my fault, and it also wasn’t my mom’s fault, but we both could have made choices that would have kept it from happening. 

This is what we are afraid to tell victims, because it sounds dangerously like blame. But it’s not blame, it’s knowledge and power. And if we care enough about victims then we need to be strong enough to listen, believe, and then let them hate us while we reveal what habits they can change to stay safe. In truth it is the victim themselves who will have to discover their own habits that need changing, but a friendly push in that direction is often needed. And potentially lifesaving. 

Think of it like this. You’re on your way to the mall and stopped at a red light. The light turns green, you go, and some distracted dork runs the red and hits you. The accident was not your fault, but you’d be a fool not to change a habit. From now on you’ll hopefully look and assess before going through the green, even though it should be perfectly safe. Likely you’ll also start wondering if it was your fault—were you thinking about that purse you want to buy or the hot guy that works in the shoe department? Regardless, it was not your fault, but there are things you can do different. 

When I was twelve, all I had to do was tell my mom about my step-dad’s lingering fingers when I was saying goodnight and he never would have actually molested me. This is an absolute truth, because my mom would have kicked him out. And if my mom had taken the steps to learn why she had been raped, molested and beaten as a younger woman, she never would have married my step-dad in the first place. This is an absolute truth. 

So if you are a victim, if you know a victim (or even an abuser, but that’s for another post!) please speak up and out. Don’t blame, but don’t ever be afraid to see what can be done different! 

The world is full of all types of kind and cruel, and though it isn’t your place to judge which is which in the lives of others, it is your place to judge for yourself. It is your right to keep yourself safe. You are your most important responsibility. Love yourself, respect yourself and take care of yourself. Almost always that means to learn from yourself.  

It’s not your fault. Now discover what you can do different and take control of your healing. Take control of your happiness. 

It happened, so give it a reason.