Autism Answer: Growing Up Greedy

 

Family portrait

 

“Parenting was my goal, ever since I can remember. I have learned more from teaching my children than I could have ever learned from chasing a dream with fewer people to care for. I am greedy. And so I filled my world with a lot of people to love.” ~Lynette Louise, aka "The Brain Broad"

 

aka my mom. 

 

She really did fill her world with a lot of people to love. 

 

I can confirm this statement of hers. 

 

As one of her children I was not only a witness to mom's active inclusion of people to love, I was not only one of the people she greedily loved, but I was also actively involved in learning to love.

 

When my mom was a little girl she planned her future with confidence: she would be the mother of many children - about twelve, she figured - and she would guide them with such love that her own upbringing would be washed away. There would be no trace of the abuse my mom lived through in the environment she would create for her children. At the time she didn't know anything about the cycle of abuse, but she did know it was not in any way okay to treat a child, a person, the way her mother treated her. And so, she would not. She would not treat anyone in such a way ever. Her love would be such a storm of goodness and fairness that any trace of the name calling and humiliation and beatings of her past would simply drown to death.

 

Mom was young when she had me. She was still young when my brother was born dead. By the time my sister was born my mom was almost twenty. She was twenty-three when she had to have a complete hysterectomy due to an infection. 

 

She had not reached her goal of twelve children, but she was crazy about the two of us she was raising. Always, mom put us first and cared so darn much about how we were treated. My sister and I were lucky little girls and were loved beyond measure. I wish our brother would have lived to be part of it. That love. 

 

But despite mom's best intentions, her own upbringing was insidious. Mom did not know how to love herself the way she so easily loved us. And whether you believe it or not, a certain kind of love for yourself is necessary for a healthy love of others to grow.

And here is the magic of my mom. She is, at her core, a genius who cares about children and outliers. Even as a little girl imagining her future she would see herself loving people who were having a hard time finding love. Not in a savior way, but in a "don't you see they are like me" way. She saw herself in the outliers, the unwanted, the unlovable. As she grew wiser, she saw all of us in everyone. 

 

Mom's biggest challenge was understanding how the rest of us could not see. It was so obvious to her that everyone was capable and everyone deserved to be seen for who they were, not what label they might be given. It was so obvious to her that she just couldn't see how so many of us were blind to it. 

So, the magic of my mom was this: help herself, learn to love herself, while gathering so many others to love.

My mom was fierce in her intention to create a healthy and loving environment. One that would guide us to independence and strength. She was always an example of that strength and always a seeker of her better self. What started as me, mom, and my sister became me, mom, my sister, two more sisters, and four brothers. And then there were a myriad of others who mom allowed into our lives for temporary help and guidance. There were also many she did not. Love means saying no, too. 

But we did have many. I remember a woman from... hmmm, I can't remember... Kenya? ... trying to raise money to bring her young son to Canada. I remember a teenager, a girl about the age of me and my sisters, with physical disabilities I can't quite recall but her body moved different from ours and one of her arms was misshapen. I don't remember her well but I do remember us girls sitting around chatting about the usual teenage girl stuff. And I admit to being surprised that her interests aligned precisely with ours. There was almost a boy from Columbia who we all wrote to and tried to learn a little Spanish for. After most of us kids had grown and only some of us were staying with her for different reasons at different times, there were more extreme cases. Mom was a renowned brain change and behavior expert by then so she helped an addict who no longer wanted to be an addict, she helped autistic people in extreme need.

 

These people willing to accept mom's help (not my siblings, the ones that came later) knew it was a temporary thing, something meant to fuel them with ideas and skills for the forward motion they were struggling to gain footing with. My mom is not the sort to help without a goal. In fact, she would likely see helping without a goal as the opposite of helping.

 

I don't always remember understanding mom's love for children who were unwanted or unloved, and admittedly I didn't always like being expected to learn to believe in everyone's potential and worth, but I did always learn. About others and about myself. 

 

I watched, also, as my mom learned about herself. As my mom grew healthier, stronger, happier, more balanced as a woman. As a mom. 

 

I do believe it is a wonderful idea to plan a certain amount of readiness before gathering people around you to take care of. I do. 

 

I just also believe that as we gather people to love and care for, we are going to realize that we are in need of more. We are going to discover new areas of unreadiness we will do well to examine, to change. 

 

 

“Parenting was my goal, ever since I can remember. I have learned more from teaching my children than I could have ever learned from chasing a dream with fewer people to care for. I am greedy. And so I filled my world with a lot of people to love.” ~Lynette Louise, "The Brain Broad"

 

 

Mom is greedy and fills her world with people to love.

In this way she encourages others to become people who love.

And this helps us become easier to love. 

 

We are not all like my mom. 

Be we are all capable and of value, we are all able to step up and over our own obstacles, and we are all responsible for doing so (this includes asking for help where it is required for forward motion).

I know this because my mom is like my mom. 

And she will not allow me not to know this. 

Not if I don't want to be grounded for a month. :D 

 

 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!! 

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Little Brothers, and Moms

 

 

Me and my brother

His brown eyes seeking, his words profound, his question legitimate, the wish birthing it unreachable: "Why didn't my mom stop drinking? It was just nine months for her, a lifetime for me. My life."

My little brother was sitting across from me at my kitchen table, visiting me on one of his rough days. I could almost never fix the problems but I could sometimes help shift his focus. Which, quite often, served to guide him away from more problems.  

This is such a strong memory for me. Sitting there, impotent, as my youngest brother begged for an explanation while wanting, desperately, a different brain. His brain was working against him again and he was frustrated, exhausted, tired of working so hard to find his way. Always, for over thirty years and more to come, working harder than most to handle and understand common situations, and in large part because his mom drank alcohol while his little baby brain was growing in her womb.
 

Question: are you wondering about our mom? Wondering, maybe, how much drinking went on? Wondering why she was drinking while pregnant? Or wondering if he's my step-brother? Or if he's adopted? Question: Are you thinking things about the mom?

I've recently learned this about myself: I would be.

My brothers are my brothers. I have four of them and they are impressive. It rarely occurs to me that they're adopted. However, when the subject of their fetal alcohol spectrum disorder comes up it occurs to me. More accurately, it occurs to me to mention it.

It didn't used to, but my mom is an international brain change and behavior expert who tends to lead with her experience as a mom. A mom of eight now adult kids, four who had autism and various other co-morbid diagnosis. A mom who has helped all eight of her children become more than professionals or statistics allowed for. Mentioning adoption didn't occur to mom either until too often, when sharing what she learned about teaching people with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) by sharing anecdotes from her life as a mom to my brothers, people would get sidetracked by questions of why she drank while pregnant, or judging her for it, or just thinking about it so much they missed the lesson in the story. So, now she mentions it. Now we mention  it.

NOTE: It is not a bad thing, mentioning the adoption. I'm not trying to say it's unfortunate that we mention adoption. Adoption is beautiful. It is an awesome aspect of who my mom is (the determination, the lengths she went to for my siblings, is so mom) and an intriguing aspect of who my siblings are (they have limited access to their biological story and a mom who went to great lengths to be their mom). Anyone who's grown up in a blended family where some siblings are adopted, or step-siblings, or half-siblings, etc., knows that growing up as a family is simply family. No shame, but rarely does it occur to mention it. If I introduce you to  my brother, I introduce you to my brother. Not my adopted brother. 

 
However, I'm thinking about Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and biological moms. And my behavior, mentioning the adoption if I'm mentioning the FASD in my brothers, is telling. I don't want people to think my mom is at fault. I don't want them to think she was drinking while pregnant. It's not for sure that they would, but I don't want to risk it.

As I said, I recently learned that I would probably think about the mom.
 

I was invited to review the book Blazing New Homeschool Trails: Educating and Launching Teens with Developmental Disabilities by Natalie Veccione and Cindy LaJoy for Disabled World. (Click this link to read the review.) It was my pleasure! As I read the bio for each author I was surprised. They are homeschool moms to children with FASD. No mention of adoption. I got a flutter in my tummy, "Will they talk about it? Reach out to other moms who might be feeling too guilty about drinking during pregnancy to ask for guidance? Or to even recognize the FASD symptoms in their children because they don't want to see what may have been caused by them?

Now, reading the book I learned the children were adopted. That the question of "do they have FASD?" was a hard question to answer for those families because of adoption. Because their children's birth stories were incomplete and unknown.

But before I learned that, my mind had wandered and wondered. Why? Why had I wondered? Because there is stigma. 

"Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) is a brain injury that can occur when an unborn baby is exposed to alcohol. It's a lifelong disorder with effects that include physical, mental, behavioral and learning disabilities. These can vary from mild to severe."

Often people with FASD struggle just enough with learning deficits to feel as though, and be treated as if, they're being defiant. Or not trying hard enough. They're similarly capable to those around them, and indeed often exceed their peers in some areas, but there are areas of entirely real less common challenges that incite low self esteem. And the challenges become far more serious because we are unaware of the physiological problem causing them. 

Often people with FASD struggle enormously with learning deficits and feel completely incapable. They are treated as such. People give up rather than dig in and get to know the unique reasons and workings of the brain. 

Often people with FASD (and their families) fall somewhere in-between and struggle alone.
 

We do want to ask our children to try. We do want to raise the bar. It is the same when living with and teaching someone who has a mild or severe challenge. But understanding, or at least trying to understand, the very real difficulty they are living with that has to do with their brain, not an unwillingness or meanness, can be the difference between helping them grow vs pushing them to self-loathing, addiction, and bullying behavior.

But where FASD is concerned, there is the added hurdle of knowing it could have been avoided. Of knowing not drinking during pregnancy could have meant less difficulties.

My mom says, “You can’t walk gingerly. You have to step in and say I am gong to love you robustly, and we are going to get to the end of this!”

I think that includes being willing to accept that perhaps our children, even the ones that grew in our wombs, may have FASD. We have to make supportive room for moms to ask questions, to not be shamed if they seek ideas from others. To say, I drank while pregnant and now my child struggles with these symptoms, do you have any ideas for me?

At the same time, we continue to remind moms not to drink when they're pregnant.

"It's just nine months for her, but a lifetime for me. My life." My brother would have been best helped had she not drank during pregnancy. But he has also been undeniably helped by having a mom who taught with creativity, a fierce belief in him, and an understanding that though he could certainly learn, he learns differently.

Sitting at a kitchen table visiting my youngest brother, who has his own car, apartment, ideas, and sense of humor, is a delight. I want to help create a world that invites more brothers to the kitchen table. And moms.

We'll sip coffee.

Hugs, smiles, and love!

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

 

Autism Answer: Candid Book (written by ME!) Offers a Unique and Intimate Narrative on Parenting, Autism, and Growing Up

Recently I was honored with a request. 

I have been a fan of Disabled World (both the website and the twitter page) for a few years now. I love the global nature of the information and am deeply grateful for the helpful, thoughtful, readable, and carefully curated content. Encouraging us to have empathy without pity while bringing us news about programs, studies, and entertainment that moves society as a whole forward, together.

In fact, it was one of the first places I sent the Press Release to when my mom began offering her one woman musical comedy show, Crazy to Sane, free to venues and events every year in the month of April (Autism Awareness Month) and I felt a surge of pride when the release was published on their site. I decided it meant I must have also managed a healthy mix of usefulness and thoughtfulness! Yea, me! :D Check that out here: Autism Awareness: Music, Comedy, and Brain Science

So you can imagine my thrill at being asked by the admin of Disabled World for information on my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up, for their website. 
(Go ahead, imagine it. I'll wait ... ... ... Fun, right?!!) 

The offer was a good opportunity to update the press release I had written when my book was first published. And, of course, to retweet, share, post, and otherwise show off that there is now a picture of me and my book on a website I'm a fan of. That's always a treat that goes well with coffee!! 

Here's an excerpt of the story. I encourage you to visit Disabled World to read it in it's entirety. Be sure to click around and check out all the valuable content while you're there! Oh, and follow the site on Twitter:  @DisabledWorld

From Disabled World: 

"Tsara Shelton is the oldest of eight children - six were adopted, and four came into the home with several diagnosis such as autism and fetal alcohol syndrome. She is also the daughter of renowned international brain change expert Dr. Lynette Louise, aka The Brain Broad, a single mom who brought up her brood with creativity (they traveled North America learning geography and performing inspirational comedy in prisons for almost a year) and a powerful belief in their abilities.

Having grown up in a home overflowing with out of the box characters and a ferocious love for family, the author was in a unique position to observe culture and society. Tsara was born with a typical brain and typical tendencies that were consistently and beautifully challenged by a not so typical family and lifestyle."

Read the article here: Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself by Tsara Shelton 

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Have a peek at me nervously talking a bit more about my book in this short video: 

 

Oh, and if you have news to share with the disability community, I encourage you to submit to Disabled World! (Submission info is easily found on the website.)

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Suggestions For Taking Action This Autism Awareness & Acceptance month (April)

 

My brother bowling thanks to volunteers.

Straight up, I admit it, most of these suggestions are going to include links to something my mom (Dr. Lynette Louise, known as "The Brain Broad") made. But that's because my suggestions are awesome and so is the stuff my mom makes. 

So, let's dive into some awesome suggestions, shall we?

Oh, and by the way, happy April!!

Okay, let's begin: 

1) Watch the international docu-series FIX IT IN FIVE with LYNETTE LOUISE aka THE BRAIN BROAD! Both seasons one and two (Uganda and USA, respectively) are available free on The Autism Channel and Women's Broadcast Network. Also you can rent or own the show via Vimeo On Demand (This is my favorite way to watch the show! Though it costs money it also means you have access anytime from any device. It is a great way to revisit and review new lessons, enjoy the show with friends, or have a screening in your community!)  

Oh, what's that? You have no idea what FIX IT IN FIVE is? Well, I'm sorry to hear that! Basically, it's an idea hatched out of Lynette’s desire to share her tools of change with thousands of families worldwide. No biggie.

Dr. Lynette Louise is invited into homes around the world where she teaches important attitudinal shifts and brain science to families struggling with brain disorders. Hundreds of children, parents, aunts, and grandpas have benefited from her passion and neurofeedback equipment. According to Lynette, “That’s not enough!” 

By offering her services as a docu-series she is able to give families willing to be on camera a free five day life-changing therapy marathon. At the same time audiences are gifted with answers, entertainment and an exampling of living life with creativity and intention. So, you know, a way to make the world a more understanding, safe, and fun place for people of all types. That's all. :D 

Follow this link for more info, videos, and links for viewing the show: FIX IT IN FIVE with THE BRAIN BROAD

2) Watch a film, listen to music, or read a book written by, starring, or otherwise created by someone with autism. Now, yes, I'm going to specifically link to stuff my mom has made (she herself is Historically Asperger's and also she casts autistic actors, as well as other neurodiverse cast and crew, in her projects) but the point is the most important part. You don't have to watch or read or rock out to my mom's stuff so long as you purposely seek art created by and performed by autistics. For example, my mom's stuff!  

Here are three specific suggestions:

a) Living with Lynette - Available for viewing is the pilot episode of Living with Lynette, a show she created with the plan to always hire neurodiverse actors, writers, and crew. In this episode, all of the actors have the diagnosis attributed to them. Also, I play "Sherry" the neighbor with an addiction to having too many carreers. I admit, I don't actually have that problem. Unless you count my addiction to reading which gives me the opportunty to IMAGINE having all kinds of carreers! 

Follow this link to watch Living with Lynette free on YouTube: Living with Lynette 

b) Crazy to Sane - My mom wrote and performed this one-woman musical comedy about her life quite a few years ago. The show is about healing herself and her family from the traumas of abuse, while also healing their brains. Autism, abuse, adoption, parenting, and healing are the main themes while laughter and music are the delivery system. Crazy to Sane has been performed around the world and regardless of language or culture it always brings audiences to their feet with tears, gratitude, and a desire to sing along! 

You can purchase the show CD (digital or physical CD) and watch music videos here: Crazy to Sane

c) Miracles are Made: A Real Life Guide To Autism - Miracles are Made is a real life guide, written from the happenings of real life. In Miracles Are Made my mom not only shares stories from her personal and professional life, but also illuminates the whys and the wherefores of the social climate parents find themselves in when coping with autism. So whether you have autism in your immidiate world or not, it offers a glimpse into how we, as people in the world, are all affecting each other. And then, by highlighting neurofeedback and the plasticity of the brain, she offers valuable solutions. She teaches us how to make the best of what is possible and recreate the healings she has been fortunate enough to facilitate. As a reader you come away understanding how to understand autism. You come away knowing what to do.

To learn more about Miracles are Made and mom's other books, follow this link: BOOKS by Lynette Louise


3) Enter to win a signed copy of my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself, which is being given away FREE (for folks in the USA) by The Perfect Piece this Autism Awareness Month! (Okay, this one isn't exactly something my mom made but it is a book of stories about my life which, no surprise, includes a lot of stuff about mom. And, if we're getting technical, my mom made me and I made the book so, I guess it is still something she made! Giggle!) Head on over to The Perfect Piece, send in a pic that represents what autism means in your life (get creative! Have fun!) and it will be posted on The Perfect Piece social media accounts. Likes on your picture get you points, so be sure to tell your friends to hit that like button! Also, there are several other ways to gain points beyond that. Be sure the visit the page and ask questions! Then, when you win, you can read my book, love it, and tell everyone you know about it. Now, I am not autistic. However, as you know, I have grown-up surrounded by autism. So I like to think my book is a candid (and kind) perspective of growing-up alongside autism. 

4) Ask about autism. Thoughtfully and with kind curiosity and interest. Open yourself up to believing and understanding and mostly listening. And, again, ask. Be sure to largely ask autistics. Listen to and learn from parents and experts who aren't autistic also, but largely ask autistics. If you aren't comfortable or certain how or who to ask, begin with the internet. But PLEASE be kind, careful, and clear in your searches. I admit that there's a lot of debate and high emotion in the autism community. How to say it (autistic or has autism?) how to talk about it (a gift, a curse, a sickness, a style) how to represent your support (a puzzle piece, the color blue, light it up, the infinity sign) etc, but in my experience the most important part is to care, to listen, and to truly take steps to understand the reasons for the debates more than the conclusions people come to. The reasons are where the important seeds can be found. 

One place you can learn a bit more about autism is, wait for it.... my mom's autism and neurofeedback site!! Brain and Body. (Phew! I almost didn't mention stuff my mom makes there. Close one. tee hee!) 

To learn about autism and neurofeedback follow these links: Brain and Body - Autism information | Brain and Body - What is Neurofeedback? | Brain and Body - Autism & Neurofeedback 

5) Join autism groups, read articles, volunteer at a church, school, workplace, anywhere that includes folks on the spectrum of autism. If you are making a movie or if you own a business, hire people with autism. IMPORTANT: Take an extra moment to rethink the way you've been thinking about that guy that you see acting strangely in your local store or the parent you see allowing behaviors you don't understand. Be kind and interested, not judgemental and afraid.  (No links to stuff my mom made here, but I'm being entirely honest when I tell you that my mom wished for this more than anything when she was raising eight kids on her own, six adopted and four on the autism spectrum. She wished for, more than anything, less judgement. She taught us the value of this and asked that we always do our best to example it. We try.) 

Those are my suggestions for taking action this Autism Awareness And Acceptance Month! Maybe share this post around so that others can take action with you. Add suggestions of your own when you share it! 

Have fun, get creative, be kind, and let's promise ourselves to teach at least one new thing and to learn at least one new thing this April.

We'll meet back here in May and share our results!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: It Takes A Village

My family.

My mom always dreamed of moving from Canada to the United States, becoming a huge star and hopefully, while she was at it, a teacher of wisdoms.This was her dream as far back as she can remember. But hopes of stardom and followers were never enough to make her take the leap and figure out how to live legally in a new country. What eventually brought us to America was my mother’s dream for her children.

Particularly, her autistic children.

The dream that they could live in a place where she was not the only person who would believe in them, where she was not the only person who would teach them while believing they could be taught, and where she was not the only person who would let go of the odd convenience or easy fix to help them become their best selves. America has always advertised itself as a place where dreams are pursued and limits are seen as challenges to be proven as frauds.

After traveling the continent for years in a red and silver van --all eight of us kids dubbed it the Disco Van-- never living in one place for more than two years, she finally discovered a home for our family. Believing in the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ we were home with each other, and in the world so long as we were willing to be an example and leave when things weren't healthy anymore.

The home was us and the village was the world. A world that we traveled and enjoyed and tasted and learned from. We made stops, some long and some short, to connect with people and share stories, and then we moved on, to new places and possibilities.

Dr. Lynette Louise -my mom- is now a global autism expert, author, speaker, performer and host of the international reality series FIX IT IN FIVE with LYNETTE LOUISE aka THE BRAIN BROAD, airing on The Autism Channel. When offering her unique approach to mental health for families around the world (play therapy, family dynamics counseling, and neurofeedback) she meets many parents like herself; parents doing whatever it takes to give their challenged children the most positive and beneficial environment that they can. This is a beautiful and difficult thing. Parenting is never easy, it’s not supposed to be, and parenting children or adults who are unusually challenged while being treated as an inconvenience by far too many is that much harder.

Autistic children and adults have challenges that are difficult for others to understand or anticipate. Autism is a spectrum disorder with three main components: social challenges, repetitive behaviors, and a communication disorder. These symptoms manifest in so many different ways that true autism awareness is difficult to spread. One child may be completely nonverbal (like the oldest of my four autistic brothers) while another may speak clearly but with only a few very limited interests (like the youngest of my autistic brothers). Knowing one autistic individual doesn't educate you on others.

For my mother, the single mom of eight children (four of whom were autistic), with dreams of fortune, fame, and acceptance for her challenged and challenging family; it was the acceptance for us crazy kids that drove her. And, luckily for us, she paid the bills by singing and doing stand-up comedy. Laughter was a rule in our home!

Now, three of my four brothers are living independent lives. I have a brother who handles big machines while working on welding. He's been a pipeliner and owned his own home. I have a brother in the army. He's married and is about to be a dad. I have a brother who works as an assistant for a popular local barber, filling inventory and running errands. He lives a few blocks from me in a cute little apartment. I'll be seeing him today for coffee.

I have a brother who lives with my mom. He works as an uncle and friend to family, practicing speech and snuggling people when they could use a little love. He is often caught sneaking food.

My mom, who had dreams of stardom and wise lady on the mountaintop teachings travels the world spreading autism awareness and answers in a myriad of ways. As a performer, brain expert, speaker, author and hands-on therapist. Her bank account is most often empty, and not too many know her name, but she is surrounded by adoring fans: her clients, the struggling parents and professionals she has presented for, autistic people who are grateful for her ability to truly see them and, of course, her children.

Always and forever, we are her biggest fans!

It takes a village to raise a family. It truly does. But if you can't find a village that works for you don't give up! Create, encourage, teach, and learn. The village doesn't even have to know exactly what they are doing or how to do it. As long as you do!

Happy Holiday season, friends!!

I'm honored to play a role in your village!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

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To learn more about growing up in my home I invite you to purchase my mom's book, MIRACLES ARE MADE: A Real Life Guide To Autism

Or my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself 
for a feeling of what it was like growing up in my home and how I took those lessons to build a home for my own children. 

Happy Thanksgiving!! 

Autism Answer: In Defense Of Sunny D

Sitting in my fridge.

Five huge plastic jugs of Sunny D sit in our refrigerator. Thinking about it, and even more seeing it, makes me want to cringe. Admittedly, I have cringed. I little bit.

But, here's the thing. My husband loves to buy soda. Tons and tons of soda. He knows I don't like it. He knows it goes against many of the things that make me, me. He also knows that I never have said, and never will say, he can't have soda in the house. 

When he brings it home (generally several two liter bottles, seemingly always on sale in larger quantities) he looks at me sheepishly, he apologizes timidly, and he puts the soda in the fridge. I remind him that I don't like it but that I love him and he likes it. I remind him why I don't like it and he hears some of what I say. He understands that I don't think it's healthy, he doesn't quite understand the stuff I add about plastic, giving money to corporations poisoning us for profit, etc. 

What he fully understands is that I don't think he (or our children) should drink soda because it's unhealthy. That's one reason, and he's right.

So sometimes, like today, he comes into our home proudly touting items he believes I will applaud. He loves me, and he loves to show off the "healthy" snacks or drinks he's spent money on for us. He looks pleased as punch and smiles nearly-toothlessly at me with anticipation. He displays for me the item, today it was jugs of Sunny D, and eagerly awaits my praise.

"Oh, look, Sunny D," I say, forcing the smile and grabbing desperately for all the reasons I know I want to give him the reaction he's hoping for.

And there are reasons.

He loves me. He thinks of me while he's at the store. He puts down the soda (which he'd much rather spend the money on) and picks up something stamped words like "Vitamin C" and "Citrus Punch" and wants to do something healthy for my benefit. He is a beautiful man who puts family first and we are different but our moments add up to memories shared.

So, I clap my hands and say, "Yes! It's not soda! Awesome!"

And then a little later, after I find that I'm honestly happy and no longer have to push myself there, I thoughtfully add a few comments. "Now imagine if it was real juice, in a glass container, made from sustainably grown produce?! You'd have to pick me up off the floor after I fainted from surprised joy!"

And that's all. No more. I need to say my truth, and I need to love my life.

I will not drink the Sunny D but I will not choose to hate the sight of it in my refrigerator. How could I? It looks like love.

In relationships, this is a skill I consider worth working on. Seeing the actions done in the name of love without losing sight of expecting to be understood.

It's true that sometimes my husband (and my children) do things for me that actually just prove a lack of listening. But most of the time the love is showing and the action is about how much of the listening is understood.

I've experienced this even more so with my brothers. They are more challenged at understanding social cues and even straight up explanations (when my mom adopted them all four of my brothers had brain dysfunctions and learning disabilities) and so they struggle in various bigger ways to show their love and their listening with recognizable actions. It took me longer than I like to admit but once I was able to see how hard they were trying to both be heard and to listen, to be loved and to show love, my joy and comfort and ability to help grew a thousand fold! 

So, I'll pour my husband a glass of Sunny D while I sip my coffee (yes, organic, fair trade, yadda, yadda) and I'll tap his foot with my foot as we sit on the floor, him watching his shows and me reading my book, and I'll feel loved.

I get to think about this right now, and share it with you, because of the emotions and thoughts that ran through me when I saw all those jugs of drink in my fridge.

So I'll admit it, this moment was a gift given to me by my husband with the help of Sunny D.
 
*Today's Autism Answer brought to you by Sunny D, though not sponsored by it.*

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)  

 

Autism Answer: My Weird And Wonderful Mom

Author's Note: I was honored with an invitation to write a guest post for the brave and inclusive Jennifer Margulis. I truly hope you'll take a moment to read that post HERE. But for you I have also taken the time to share an edited (with my audience in mind) version of that post here for you!  Read, share, talk about it with your network.  And, if you have the inclination, I'd love you to also read my guest post. It's kind of fun to see the sameness in the posts along with the differences. Some of the stories and ideas I share here with you are different from the ones I share there. It's a fun reminder that we can often tell the same story differently, depending on our audience. GUEST POST: What Having A "Weird" Mom Herself Taught This Mama About Children's Health  Happy reading! ~Tsara

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Now, not everyone was blessed with a weird and wonderful mom. I know this. 

But I was, and it is my honor to share a little bit about her with you. She is someone who insisted on exploring her own organic oddities - despite being alone in this endeavor and consistently fighting the adults in her world who were working hard to stomp out those oddities - to create something wonderful from scratch. My mom can help those of you who weren't given the gift of someone like her in your lives. She can help you discover the value of organic oddities in yourself and your loved ones. You can do what I do, let her be your weird and wonderful teacher! 

My suggestion: Don't miss any opportunity to learn a few things from the people who stand out. 

You can do that here if you'd like. Join me. Have a seat while I pour the coffee. Hmmmmm... there's no pie but I found a few pieces of dark chocolate. Have a nibble and lean in, get comfy. I'd like to tell you a bit about my mom. 

Oh, my weirdly wonderful mom! She is an endless series of stories I love to tell. I promise, though, to try to keep this telling interesting and on point.

My mom grew up as the “black sheep” in her family. Her strangeness (eventually mom would be diagnosed as ‘Historically Asperger’s’) was uniquely frustrating, and the abuse my grandparents doled out to all of their kids was particularly harsh for mom. From the earliest age, my mom promised herself that she would grow up to have several children, and she would treat them with fairness. My sister and I were lucky recipients of mom’s love and fairness. However, that love's intensity was a little much for our small group and – after having to have a hysterectomy – my mom adopted six more children. Four boys and, later, two homeless teenage girls. So there were eventually eight kids altogether: Four older girls and four younger boys. All four of my brothers had multiple brain disorders, and they all also landed in various places on the autism spectrum. 

My mom was married for the third time when she adopted my brothers. And though that marriage lasted longer than her first two (she was married to my step-dad for nine years) that one also fell apart. So, in truth, my mom was pretty much always a single mother. A single mother with eight unusual kids. 

We moved a lot. My mom was clever that way. We were always interesting to our neighbors and just when we were becoming annoyances, mom found a “great opportunity!” for us, and we’d move. So our most common experience as a family (thanks to mom’s kind deception) was that we were interesting, and living a life of great opportunities. This is just one example of how my mom’s weirdness was wonderful. She rarely considered parenting the way she saw parenting being done by others, and instead parented in the way it would work out for the largest number of her children. 

This bothered most schools and professionals to a surprising degree! My mom insisted on finding people who could follow her lead. People who would look at her children – particularly my brothers – and be creatively willing to teach or understand them from where they were, while believing they could learn. And when they couldn’t be creative she wanted them to at least be open to her suggestions. However, systems and schools are not set up for creativity and outliers. So, mom insisted on looking for ever more “great opportunities!” while creatively teaching us herself. 

This is another way my mom was weird: From the moment she met my brothers she saw them as completely capable; albeit, differently so. 

So, filled with love and leadership for a strange batch of children, my mom educated herself in uncommon ways. Always willing to look where the clues directed her, even though she was almost always sent off alone into areas that were taped off from the public, mom made her own trails. But it was in those places that my mom unearthed the uncommon answers that helped her uncommon children. All eight of us kids have grown beyond statistics and the possibilities offered to us by professionals. Particularly my four brothers. Three are independent men and my most challenged brother lives with mom in California. 

My mom – Lynette Louise (aka “The Brain Broad”) – now travels the world as a mental health expert specializing in autism. She is a speaker and an author. She is a comedian and a singer/songwriter. She is a renowned practitioner and consultant. She continues to make waves and invite controversy. Mom’s most important project is her international autism docu-series FIX IT IN FIVE with THE BRAIN BROAD (which airs on The Autism Channel). In the show, simply put, she brings cameras with her to work and shows audiences why her weirdly wonderful ways work to help grow healthier families, regardless of culture.

Admittedly, my mom's weird ways often put our family at odds with the world. And for me, a shy type, that was sometimes a problem. But problems are an important part of solutions and my problem of being loved too loud was one that added a filter of everlasting value to my childhood. 

My experience of growing up was thus: We moved, often. We sang, often. We hurt, often. We laughed, often-est. It was necessary. My brothers were challenged and challenging. My mom had little to no help and when she was offered help in the form of social workers or babysitters they generally took on an adversarial role, looking to see what my mom was doing wrong rather than looking to see how they could simply help. (Later, as an adult, I would discover the unfortunate commonness of this. It was a sad realization. But I did feel less like my mom was such a weird mom and more like she was a strong mom, unwilling to bend for the sake of getting along with people who were wrong about her kids.) 

The greatest example of how fun and strange my childhood was is the year my mom took us on a North American Prison Tour. 

My brothers were being bullied in school, learning no academics and only dangerous social skills. Us four teenage girls were in different stages of wild and with so many children to take care of mom needed a way to get us all in one place while teaching us. Well, she had recently recorded her first musical CD (Sing Me A Song…Please!) so a brilliant idea was hatched. We would perform an inspirational comedy musical for prisoners! 

With help from a local mechanic she got her hands on a big cargo van (we kids christened it “The Disco Van” because of its red coat of paint with the fancy silver stripe) and after much writing, rehearsing, and planning, all eight of us kids climbed into The Disco Van and headed out. During this time my brothers learned more (reading, geography, math, navigating, etc) than they had their entire school careers. My sisters and I learned that people in prison were not to be feared or emulated, they were simply people. We also learned we didn’t want to end up there. We simultaneously fell in love with the crowds while decidedly making new choices for our own futures. It was brilliant! 

My childhood was fun, hard, and exactly what I needed.

A Recent Visit With Mom: In February my mom flew to Dallas with one of my nieces so they could see STOMP at the Dallas Theatre. Excitedly I grabbed my youngest brother (he lives in the same small town I do) and my two youngest sons and we met them at their hotel. We had so much fun! As is our habit we sipped coffee, chatted, and laughed. 

Our family is a motley mismatched crew – all sizes, colors, sexual identities, and abilities – but we are so comfortable and happy together! A group of us can almost always be found huddled together around coffee and conversation, although you never know what group. My sister, my nieces, my sons, my mom, my brothers, we move from one place to the next, sometimes these ones living with that one, or that one staying with this one, but always we work well as a team. 

It’s a wonderful thing my mom has built! 

And it was all grown purposely out of the weird and wonderful organic oddities that is my mom's soil. 

Oh, I see you didn't finish up the chocolate. Well, I'll eat that last piece then, thank you. Would you like me to top off your coffee? 

And, while we're here, do you have a story about a weird and wonderful person in your life? Is it you? 

I hope you'll share. It's your turn to talk, I've got chocolate on my teeth. Giggle!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

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If you would like to share more of my stories with me I invite you to read my book, Spinning in Circles and Learning From Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up. So far, folks are enjoying it!  Here are a few customer review excerpts I pulled from Amazon: 

"Tsara Shelton’s book of essays and stories, Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself, is a lovely elaboration on the author’s lifelong pursuit of learning to know and love herself. She seems, even from childhood, to have been uniquely gifted at loving others, seeing past outward appearances and personalities into the inner selves of people. Her honesty and empathy, patience and optimism seem to extend from those around her to her reader." ~Linda Aldridge 


"I read this book in one day because I couldn't put it down! As soon as I was done I passed it on to my best friend and said, "Read this!" Tsara's collection of stories are so varied yet all unveil perseverance for joy, family and self. Her family tree is fascinating! Autism is a major through line in the book, and having so many friends with children on the spectrum gave me perspective, knowledge and tools that will help me be a better friend and empathetic person all around. Tsara's descriptive language paints such vivid images of scenes from her life. It's incredible that she is so open and truly lets you into her soul. I would describe this as a book of hope." ~Jess


"I've been carrying this wonderful book around with me for the past several months, enjoying it in each perfect story-reading moment life has gifted to me! I've found the stories inside to be inspiring, thought-provoking, heart-warming, laughter-inducing, deepest-parts-of-my-soul-touching, and more! Indeed, it's been quite nourishing, and I've absolutely loved reading it." ~Rachel Clark


"Rather awesome to find such an author whose understanding of stories are fundamental to the way we process and experience life events and the feelings that surround them. What a pleasurable read this book is. These stories encapsulate life’s memorable moments and enduring lessons. When such a talented writer harnesses the power of literature and uses it to develop positive lessons and family values our world becomes a more beautiful place to live together in." ~Relena 


"A parent extraordinaire. A coffee sipper, a writer of wisdom, a singer of songs. A free spirit with gypsy in her soul who carries you along with her wonderful stories." ~Sara Luker (Autism Sara)

"............................................................. lovely family..................................... the greatest writing................... stories of her kids are adorable........................... reading felt like having deep conversation with a true friend.......  " ~You (Or, you know, something like that. ;D ) 

BONUS: My book loves to travel!

 

Autism Answer: Diversity Matters

*Diversity

 [dih-vur-si-tee, dahy-]

noun, plural diversities.

1.the state or fact of being diverse; difference; unlikeness:

diversity of opinion.

2.variety; multiformity.

3.the inclusion of individuals representing more than one national origin, color, religion, socioeconomic stratum, sexual orientation, etc.:

diversity in the workplace.

4.a point of difference.

*Definition borrowed from Dictionary.com

Diversity matters. 

Diversity is valuable and rewarding. Diversity is necessary for a sustainable world.

It also challenges us. It, quite rightly, can trigger nervousness and fear. That's okay. It's not wrong to feel nervous or unsure, but we are safer when we are aware of ourselves and our reasons in those moments. Diversity and difference stretches, reveals, and shows us things we are unlikely, and often unable, to understand on our own. This is an important place to be; where new perspectives and possibilities live. Often we will choose to walk away; often we will choose to change and stay. Let that nervousness wake you up, don't let it make your decisions for you. 

Seek diversity! Go out of your way to find it! In your films, friends, and books. Don't be afraid of seeking it on purpose. It feels weird at first to seek, specifically, a film from another culture. It feels like you're being prejudice or creepy almost, when you ask for books or blogs written by people you will likely label incorrectly because, right now, you don't know them well enough to know how to ask. It almost feels inappropriate in the beginning, to go looking for stories about things you don't like.

Do it anyway! Watch foreign films, read books written by writers with opposite-than-you views of the world, make friends with people you are inconvenienced by. Do it all with an open mind. 

Often, you won't stay friends, or you won't fall in love with the films, or you won't feel compelled to share the content, or you won't be captivated and changed by the books. But sometimes, you will.

It's for the sometimes that we need diversity. Because the sometimes becomes us. We teach our children and loved ones from the sometimes. Sometimes is memorable. And so we are inclined to share it.
 
We humans are a fantastic balance of different and same. We are unique, we crave different sensory stimulus and we work with different abilities and we believe in different reasons. But we are also very much the same. Love, acceptance, freedom, food, shelter. We crave these. In different ways, and different types, but we are all pretty much the same under, under, under it all. 

This is fascinating stuff! This is sustainable and necessary to appreciate and explore! 

Diversity matters, friends. 

Seek it! Appreciate it! Don't be mad at yourself when you fear it, but don't let the fear do more than wake your awareness. Fear is not useless, friends! It's a tool. Use it well! 

Make a new friend, seek a unique story, explore a culture you catch yourself judging without experiencing. Get to know something new! 

It's important.
It matters. 

Have a fantastic and diverse weekend, friends!


Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: When Our Uncles And Their Stories Are Murdered

My Uncle Henry

My adopted uncle was murdered before he could teach me much about his culture. So now he's dead and I don't know. That's how it happens. #Indiginous
 
Thinking of my Uncle Henry a lot lately.

My mom was his biggest champion, inviting him to live with us when he'd been kicked out of everywhere, fighting with everyone to see him, to love him, and to listen to him. My uncle was understandably lost, alone, conflicted, afraid to be himself and afraid not to be himself. My sister and I loved it when he sat on our living room floor to make bannock but we weren't ever entirely comfortable around him. Too many people looked at him wrong. Plus, my mom loved him fiercely because she had to. She couldn't just relax and love him because loving my Native American uncle meant fighting for him. So we loved him too, but with a feeling of responsibility we didn't understand.  

My uncle was murdered, the murderer went to jail and committed suicide, my mom continued to fight and love and fight some more. 

I felt conflicted. As a niece who was interested in her mysterious uncle, I wanted her to keep him alive and to tell me more. But as a selfish little girl, I wanted her to stop fighting for him now, to let him go, to just watch me and my sister sing and play.

Mom didn't spend much time on what was wanted and instead focused on what had to be done. She fought on. She gathered more people to care for; diversity of culture and abilities surrounded us. My siblings are from all kinds of cultural backgrounds (Native American, Irish, Japanese) and neurodiversity was the name of our game (autism, Tourette's, genius, retardation) while layers of abuse were all of ours to help peel away. 

My sister and I learned how to love fiercely, too.

And we also learned how to love comfortably.

I think we're always evolving with this issue and I think we do it well. Love, listen, learn, connect, support, teach, ask, tell. Don't fight so much as be and show and love. But don't back down or run away either. Clashes will happen. Loving people who are abused by groups of people means stepping up and standing strong. It means, sometimes, fighting for them.

My adopted uncle was murdered before he could teach me much about his culture. So now he's dead and I don't know. But I can try to learn.

And I do.
I love you, mom.
I love you, Uncle Henry.
I love you, messy messed up world.
I love you.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Me with a book that tells a tale of Canada's uncomfortable history with Indigenous people.

Autism Answer: Never Stop Never Stopping (aka My Brother Got Married)

My mom sat in my youngest brother's apartment, surrounded by boxes and the musty smelling papers we had just carried out of her storage unit. This alone, according to many of the papers, should be impossible. According to adoption papers, school reports, and various other paperwork professionals had composed over the years, my brothers had no such future - with their own apartments and ability to invite mom over for the night - available to them. 

Of course, there were also papers surrounding my mom that insisted this future was indeed possible, even probable. All of them written by mom herself. 

I was exhausted and about to say goodbye, craving my bed but also hesitant to leave this moment of memory surfing behind. "I'd better get home," I explained for the benefit of explaining, "we've got a long drive to Vermont. We wouldn't want to be late for Chance's wedding." 

My mom looked up from her pile of pictures past and smiled at me from a time far away. "Never stop never stopping," she quoted. Her newest favorite line from the fun movie Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping matches her nature in an uncanny and perfect way. It is her ability to never stop never stopping that helped us get to this point, where everything she has said and promised and believed in is reality. 

Me and my brother on the night before his wedding. My youngest son is peeking over my shoulder.

Never stop never stopping is why we were planning a trip to my brother's wedding. My brother, who is a sergeant and, now, a husband. My brother, who offered to pick people up from the airport and feed anyone who needed feeding and do whatever it took to be sure we had comfortable fun. My brother, who has always imagined himself as a husband and important army guy, and who was encouraged by my unrealistic mother to aim his angry ways in a direction that might shift him from anger to passion. My unrealistic mother and my challenged brother worked together to make it real. Years and years and years my mom never stopped never stopping, and insisted he see his worth and use his intensity in healthy ways. And for years and years and years my brother never stopped never stopping, stuck in his own self he continued to find ways to make his challenges less challenging and to target his passion carefully and with purpose. 

Surrounding my mom like a fog our past was made present, and I could feel the impressive power behind never stopping. During our younger years my mom had no proof that it would work. Everyone told her that my brothers were beyond such possibilities and she had no real way to prove them wrong. What she did have, and what she did rely on, was the knowledge that giving in and giving up because possibilities might not be possible was not a better way. Better to never stop never stopping in the direction of a dream than to never stop never stopping in a dark tunnel with few desired goals. 

My brother, the one getting married, knew what he wanted and who he wanted to be; so, my mom chose to believe in him. Sure, it seemed far fetched and unrealistic. Sure, people rolled their eyes and clucked their tongues. But they were doing that anyway.

My sister and my brother before the wedding ceremony.

So I kissed my mom and left her there on my little brother's couch, the little brother who was supposed to end up unable to take care of himself. The little brother who had instead never stopped never stopping and bought his own plane ticket to our brother's wedding and was excited about the upcoming adventure. The little brother who told me: "You know what I noticed? I'm not at all jealous that Chance is getting married. I'm just happy for him." 

My mom, my brother, and my new sister in law!

Heading back to my own home and leaving mom and my brother behind in the mess of paperwork and memories, I reminded myself to never stop never stopping. No matter what we want in life, no matter what our kids and spouses want in life, it's truly that easy to make it happen. And that hard. And that chaotic. And that simple. 

My brother is a married man with a beautiful wife and the job of his dreams. It was unrealistic until it was real. 

Mr. and Mrs. Shelton

Go ahead and have unrealistic goals, friends! Encourage your loved ones to do the same!

Have fun with it,
and never stop never stopping!

Hugs, smiles, and love!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

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*Have a peek at this video my brother and my mom put together. He talks candidly about some of his challenges and the value of never stopping. Oh, ya, and he uses a lot of profanity. So.... language warning!