Autism Answer: Social and Silly!

My family and friends think I'm silly. Heck, I think I'm silly! 

I'll walk in the Dollar Store singing out loud. I'll wear my jeans with the small hole in the crotch and trust no one to look. They're comfortable! 

Lucky for me I'm not struggling with sensory issues or extreme difficulty with focus. So I'm unchallenged enough to notice when my singing is inappropriate or my jeans are too obviously torn and drawing attention.

For my brother, Dar, that's just asking way too much. He's already handling inflammation, communication challenges, and sensory overload. He's already attempting to calm himself by stimming intensely, and trying to tidy up his unclear world by shoving everything within view off to the side or tucking it under something, and flicking the dangling string on a stranger's coat to see if it's attached or if it also needs tidying. 

He's not anti-social at all, and when he is able to get it across to us that he'd like some music to focus on as a way of compensating for all the other stimulation, he happily joins our family for fun! He LOVES when my boys invite friends over (much more than I do!) and will laugh and clap and jump and turn the music up! In those moments we often join him and are silly together! 

Autism doesn't somehow magically make a desire to connect with others disappear, it just makes it different. And more challenging. 

When I am my usual silly self, the world very often encourages me. Because I'm able to understand social cues and am unencumbered by consistent negative feedback to my social silliness. But when my autistic loved ones try to be social and silly, they are often met with very different reactions. And in the end, often pull away and stop trying. They are not anti-social or uninterested in trying. They are just less supported--worse, they are surrounded by a world that is hypocritical and confusing. A world that pretends to want original thought, independent young people, and authentic sense of self, while simultaneously stepping back from such difference with uncomfortable looks and handshakes un-offered. 

I'm thinking about this now because I just gave my brother some lunch and then walked away to check if I had any emails to answer. He picked up his plate of fish and rice, grabbed the sunflower oil and salt, and sat down on the floor behind me. Every now and then he flicks my ponytail. 

Anti-social?? My butt! 

Social and Silly?? You bet!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

Autism Answer: The WingMaker: By Lynette Louise--A Review

A more complete version of my Review first appeared HERE on Special Needs Book Review, along with a lovely intro by Lorna d'Entremont. I suggest heading over to her site if you have a moment. There are many other books reviewed and authors interviewed there as well!!

Disclaimer: Lynette Louise is not only one of my favorite authors, she is also my mother. I suppose that makes me a little bit biased, but it also makes me a little bit of a harsher critic as well. After all, she’s my mom!!

The moment I first looked at this book, I felt joy. The pictures are a collage of playful moments, spiritual images, and skies filled with possibilities.

The pictures prepare you for the emotional and delightful story the reader is about to experience in The WingMaker.

Told in rhyme, the tale is of a young girl, Reazon, who is very disabled and finds herself almost drowning in desires and wishes. Watching her siblings play she years to join them and be a different kind of part of the family.

Her mom shows love by working tirelessly and without complaint. But alas, also without fun.

Enter the delightfully playful therapist, Happy-Ness, whose belief in miracles is strong enough to reveal them! Through pretend play, and a willingness to let go of fear and hold onto hope, skills are gained and life becomes fun!

Just as everyone has begun to live and see the power of play, and Happy-Ness pats herself on the back for another job well done, Reazon becomes deathly ill. Now it is Happy-Ness who finds herself drowning in wishes and doubt. As she questions and bemoans the point of it all, truths are revealed through the revisiting essence of Reazon. She offers both Happy-Ness—and this reader!—an ultimate answer and true reason for play, kindness, and the belief in possibilities above fear of failure.

An excerpt from The WingMaker: 

“It occurred to Reazon that this was Happy-Ness’ way:

over-doing it to keep going and creating through play.

Most of the lockers had just one set of feathers.

Like Mom’s and her sisters, a nurse, and two others.

Some just sat empty for adornment to wait,

waiting and waiting for wings from THE GATE.

That came when an action of kindness helped all:

The receiver, the giver, the audience involved."

When we meet the true WingMaker, we feel our own shoulders tingle with the knowledge that they can easily wear wings, if we are willing to do the work and believe.

The WingMaker is a book that I would recommend to any family with a loved one, neighbor, or friend who is disabled or challenged in some way. It is also an excellent and hopeful book for people dealing with grief or loss. When I asked my mom, Lynette Louise, why she wrote the story she explained, “This is based on the true story of a lovely girl and her family that I worked with years ago. After her death I needed to tell the story in order to let go. I needed to share what she’d taught me with others.”

This is a family book, perfect for adults and older children alike.  It is especially lovely for parents to read with their children.  My own teen sons (I have four) have all enjoyed it, and all for their own reasons. This book would also be an actively wonderful addition to any library, especially at a clinic or therapy center where people are dealing with extreme disabilities, mental health issues, or loss.

The WingMaker is the kind of book you want in your home. It’s a book that offers hope while encouraging comfortable discussions about acceptance and difference. 

To get your own copy (and a few for your friends!) of The WingMaker by Lynette Louise, follow THIS link to Amazon.com, or THIS link on Lynette's website. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

The WingMaker by Lynette Louise
aka The Brain Broad

Autism Answer: Our Autistic Society

Very many of my answers and thoughts and beliefs come from living surrounded by autism. So it didn't surprise me this morning when I said to my husband,"Ya, well.... Society's autistic."

Think about the symptoms we can see clearly. Should Gay people get married and adopt? Are taxes being used appropriately? Is that man over there using his connections unfairly or that girl over there flirting too heavily with co-workers? Should that teacher be allowed to pray in school? What kind of labeling do we need on our food to keep us safe? 

These symptoms are chased, fought for and against, screamed about in the media, lunchrooms, and at family gatherings. They are distractions. Much like the meltdowns, stims, and perseverations we sometimes hate, love, or fear in our autism world. They are symptoms, signs of autism. Signs of Society. 

Autism is not a stim or meltdown. It's a disorder. It's a brain that functions in a way that makes the person it lives in struggle with hurts and thoughts and challenges of often immense proportions. 

Most of us in Society seem to be playing the role of ABA therapist in an attempt to heal or "cure" it. And, as with autism, ABA for any length of time is worse than an emotional waste of energy. It's dangerous. 

Society doesn't need to be "cured" any more than autism does. But it needs help. It needs change. 

In many ways we're getting it right, society and autism. And that's a beautiful thing to focus on! But in so many ways we are chasing, fighting, and giving far too much attention to distractions. 

Rather than force a meltdown to stop, we must discover the reason for it. Rather than insist on quiet hands or stifle stims, we must discover why it calms and what our loved one needs calming from. And rather than making a person behave, we must ask ourselves why we consider "our"' way the right way to behave. These clues should never go ignored. They should be followed with curious intention and kindness, to discover the REASONS and answers within. 

Society could learn a lot if it would stop pointing fingers, choosing causes, or diagnosing and labeling chronically. 

Living with and accepting difference is often very hard. Knowing that there is no one "right" way means allowing people with drastically different views to blossom. This can be scary. 

But stifling difference, taking away freedom to be oneself, telling a person that they are innately "wrong" or "broken" because they challenge you to see differently is far scarier. 

And if we continue to busy ourselves only fighting to change education, or to tax the masses differently, or  to discover which politician's sex life is more risque... we are ignoring the cause. We are making what my mom calls "busy work" of human inventions like laws, rules, and assumptions of politeness. Beautiful as they are, we are then refusing to deal with the issue of self. The issues of humanity, nature, and The Universe. 

I have learned so much thanks to the challenge of living with difference. Autism has helped me discover my own ability to change, be flexible, understand others while standing my own ground. 

Society could choose to do the same!

But it'll need a lot of help and understanding from us. While we promise to learn from it. 
Because it's kind of autistic. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Dear People, Your Experience is YOUR Experience

When you meet an adult who tells you that they are autistic, please try not to start comparing and judging them against your own experience of autism. Please don't think "but you're looking in my eyes so you can't be autistic" or "well, I'd better not touch you, you won't like it because you're autistic" or "Ya right! Barely!" or.. well, you get it.

Three of my brothers, and other adult autistics that I know, have learned the skills necessary to get jobs, drive cars, enjoy an interesting conversation etc. They have overcome obstacles that many of us can't imagine in order to learn these skills, and are very often doing them for our benefit. They hope to be accepted and they know we would prefer they make eye contact and talk to us about things we are interested in.

Just as your children will overcome surprising challenges in order to speak clearly or understand the importance of personal space. Please remember that when your child grows-up she too may look in peoples eyes and enjoy snuggles or drive a car. The fact that our loved ones work their butts off to gain these skills is amazing and should be celebrated! Be careful not to undermine hard work just because you weren't there when it happened. Or because you are afraid people are trying to take advantage of a system. Or because it doesn't match your own experience of autism.

In our small town my brother has a nickname. They call him "weird Rye". He likes the name, although it does perplex him. He's pretty sure that he isn't weird. In truth, he almost isn't! And I kinda like the nickname too. Because he used to be called names far worse, and I think weird is a compliment! It has taken him an amazing amount of work and years to become weird. And I'm very impressed and proud of him.

This town wasn't there when he was wrapping his lips around heaters or screaming "don't go on the poo highway!!!" every time my mom would drive onto an Interstate.

They see him now, seeming normal... but not. Great! No problem! Just please, allow him, and others like him, to celebrate how far they've come. Don't think "well, you let me touch you without flinching, so your not autistic. Just weird!" What you could choose to remember is that he may have wanted to flinch, he just didn't. That was for you.

He also may never have minded touch, or maybe now has healed to point of being comfortable with touch. Your experience of autism should be shared and supported. Just please don't accidentally take autism understanding a few steps back by assuming that your experience is the correct, true, or hardest experience.

Let's live this experience differently, but together!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Walking On Eggshells... Don't!

Probably one of the most valuable lessons autism has taught me is the importance of not avoiding meltdowns. I don't suggest being mean or pushing buttons just for the sheer tornado effect, but avoiding them entirely can be equally as harmful. 

We are never doing nothing. We are never teaching nothing. 

If you feel a loved one is in meltdown mode and you bend over backwards to avoid it, you are teaching them that the behavior is okay, that they can't handle life if the people in their world don't play by the rules, and you're making it harder for them hang with other people who may not know or want to bend over backward. I definitely suggest being aware of your environment and sometimes avoiding meltdowns, especially since you can then congratulate them (or you, if you are the autistic one!) on getting through something meltdown free-- which will reinforce the belief that we CAN do it! But avoiding meltdowns too often makes everyone's world smaller and smaller. 

NOTE: If you are the one on the spectrum, avoiding meltdowns would be avoiding things that you know overwhelm. You should certainly do that when feeling especially vulnerable, but my brothers have come a long way by learning to handle, and then enjoy the things that used to bring about meltdowns. My youngest son as well!

Learning the importance of not avoiding meltdowns helped me believe in, and teach, my brothers and my sons. It has also helped me willingly speak my own mind and insist on being treated kindly when I otherwise would have "walked on eggshells". What's funny is I think I made this mistake most with my oldest son, who is not at all on the spectrum! But I had this belief that if his days were mostly happy and his memories full of only laughter (and unicorns and rainbows!) then he would become a man with a strong self-esteem. I forgot that he would also become a man who was afraid of being challenged, unsure if he could handle it. Because I certainly didn't give him much opportunity or example that I believed he could!

So don't consistently walk on eggshells! Instead believe that you or your child can learn to handle round shapes, calenders with the five in the wrong place, conversations in surround sound, someone accidentally messing with a carefully controlled line of cars... etc! 

These things don't have to be learned by tomorrow, there is no rush, but it can be done!

So don't be afraid to ask for it!! Always with kindness and always with an honest interest in encouraging rather than pushing. 

And always with a motivator that the challenged child/adult has decided is worth going after!

Hugs, smiles and love!
Autism Answers

Autism Answer: Christmas Lesson In A Travel Mug

Last Christmas my youngest son (who was twelve at the time) and I were in the store grabbing groceries. I spotted a cute Santa Travel Mug and picked it up to show him. "It's cute isn't it!" I exclaimed. 

"You sure would like that, wouldn't you mom?" he asked. Right away I put the mug down and tried to take back my excitement. 

"No, no, it's not important," I was babbling. "Please, sweetie, don't spend your last couple of dollars on me. I know what you're thinking, and that's a good enough present. I know you love me enough to buy that mug, so let's leave it at that. Okay?" He nodded and we headed out of the store. 

You see, I wasn't even able to buy my children more than one small gift each. Our Christmas present is always spending time together and enjoying pumpkin pie. We can rarely afford gifts. 

Anyway, Christmas morning I saw that my son had placed a gift for me under the tree. I was pretty sure I could guess what it was. Opening that Santa Travel Mug was bittersweet. I wanted him to keep his money for himself, my sons ask for so little. But the card he'd written made the entire experience so delicious the bitter was forever forgotten. 

"From The Heart Counts Most" he'd written on the front of a school folder no longer being used for school. Inside he had drawn a tree, a star and these words,"Money is nothing. From the heart is everything. Merry Christmas mom. I love you."

He was right. I'd almost forgotten, and by begging him to keep his money for himself I had almost taught the wrong lesson. 

But he was smarter than me and offered that most beautiful Christmas morning reminder. 

As I sit here typing, I'm sipping coffee from my Santa Travel Mug. That's much more of a true gift than any snack or soda he may have bought himself with the few dollars he'd had in his pocket. 

I'm going to remember to accept gifts from now on. Whether they come in the form of snuggles, compliments, connections, smiles, or Travel Mugs under the tree. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!

A Christmas Gift of Enormous Proportions!! 

Autism Answer: Celebrate and Smile!

I woke up at 3:40 AM to the sound of Declyn and Shay laughing and playing a video game. They were working together trying to explore some unknown world, looking for some scroll or something. They were making middle of the night type jokes--you know, the ones that are only funny because of a drunk-like fatigue. Those jokes that when offered in the light of day fall flat and incorporate too many fart and penis references. Those ones.

At first I thought it was a dream, and I was happy. The sound of my sons laughing and enjoying each other remains my all time favorite sound. Even better than Three Days Grace live! After a few moments I realized that it was not a dream, and I became irrationally annoyed. What are they doing up at 3:40 AM??! How are they going to break the all night habit when school starts? Have they eaten all the food while I slept?? Boys will do that you know.

I stayed in bed for another minute, waiting for that annoyed feeling to go away. You see, I've been a mom long enough now to know that it will go away. And that we are all happier if I discuss any issue with my loved ones (husband, sons, brothers etc) if I just wait a moment.

~~One time, when my sons were small and a lot more work, I didn't wait for that annoyed feeling to go away and called them all "little shits." They've been taking advantage of that one for years!! Actually, it's become something of a family joke!~~

It didn't take long at all for me to no longer feel annoyed. Now that I'm good at waiting, I no longer feed my annoyance with proof of why I should be annoyed, but rather I starve it by reminding myself of just how many beautiful skills my sons are exercising while working together and joking (albeit, poorly!) at 3:40 AM.

Social skills, comedic timing, connection, cooperation, clarity of speech, and problem solving--not only regarding finding the scroll, but also working out what to quietly eat that won't be missed by mom in the morning!

Before I could get out of bed to ask my sons why they were still up, and to find out if they had been using my computer for anything... um... not appropriate.... Declyn came into the room where I was sleeping and asked,"Mom? Did we wake you up? Sorry, we're going to go to sleep now." And then he lied down beside me and passed out. And about an hour later, so did Shay!!!!

When I woke up this morning I was smiling and celebrating. Not only did the night end in a win for mom, getting snuggles from teen sons who just don't snuggle anymore, but it also ended in a win for my sons, who got to feel free and independent and in control of their own schedule.

My Point: There are always reasons to smile and celebrate. There are also always reasons to be annoyed and worried. Often, they can be the same reason.

When choosing what to do with a reason, don't be afraid to smile and celebrate! In the long run, the lessons and skills will still be yours to teach, but when we mostly smile and celebrate it's way more fun!!!

Happy Saturday friends!!!
Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers