Autism asks challenging questions, begs us to think outside the box and then...Autism Answers! Musings, shared family stories, book reviews, and short fiction. My posts are rarely specifically about autism or parenting. They are, however, almost always stories grown from the fertile and organic thinking soil that can be found where the two come together.
Me:(running to the back of the house, barging into my seventeen year
old son's room, and crying out at the top of my voice) I want to
snuggle city all of my sons right now!!!!
Shay:(my seventeen year old son, sitting on his bedroom floor writing a story and watching Doctor Who) You are so weird, mom. I want to try five minutes in your head.
Me:(sitting down on the floor beside him and scooting close excitedly)
Oooooohhhh! That would be fun! You go in my head and I'll go in your
head.
Shay:(patting my head and
looking at me protectively) No, no, no, no. That would never work. My
head is filled with teenager memories. You don't want to get stuck in
teenager memories.
Me:(looking up at him and marveling at his height) Dude! I have teenager memories too you know. I can take it!
Shay: (immediately, with no pause, adjusting his glasses and making
comfortable eye contact) Yes, but you also have memories of how you got
through the teenager memories. I'm seventeen, I don't have those yet.
We look at each other in silence and mutual understanding for a moment. I love him so much.
Me:(laying my head on his shoulder and pulling my legs up into my
chest) You're right, good point. We'll do the memory swap in a few
years. (trying to sound nonchalant, I add) I'm glad you know that, even
though you don't have the memories of how you get through the teen
years yet, you will. You will have those memories.
Shay:(squishing my cheek) You're so adorable.
Then we watch a few minutes of Doctor Who together. I listen to my son tell what things he would explore and the timelines he'd visit if he had a Tardis, and I know that as a mom I
don't need a Tardis to discover and explore and feel responsible for
other worlds and timelines.
I also know that it's an adventure and responsibility I wouldn't change for the world--any world!
Happy Saturday, friends! Have fun making "how you got through it" memories!!
I've shared and pinned
and sponsored the docu-series FIX IT IN FIVE with LYNETTE LOUISE aka THE BRAIN BROAD often. It takes us on an adventure of
delightful discovery and shows what to do (while candidly explaining our
mistakes as well) when we teach our children. Autism, seizures, violent
behavior, ADHD, Tourett's, Anxiety... these are a few of the challenges
each five episode season invites us to understand and take kind action
to change. The show is beautiful, emotional, candid, smart, and--like
all good stories--introduces us to difference while remaining innately
relatable.
Here's The Thing Though About Marketing: As a society we react quickly
and reach easier for our wallets when our crocodile brain is engaged,
when our most basic emotions are poked and prodded.
Fear, anger,
survival; these are, simply, good marketing tools. And easy. "Don't
Do This Or You'll Get Fat!" "Terrorists On The Train" "What You're Doing
Wrong When You Put On Your Makeup" "One Of Your Neighbors Is a
Pedophile And He's Probably The One You'd Least Suspect" "Why Driving Is
Giving You Cancer"
I made up all of those headlines, but they are an example of what we're taught to do when learning marketing.
I've noticed, too, that it's what we often do when we're teaching our
kids. "Don't Jump On The Couch You'll Break Your Leg" "Never Talk Back
To Grown Ups" "Eat Your Vegetables Or You Don't Get Dessert" "No Playing
Until Homework Is Complete"
The thing is, this works. That is,
if our goal is to get your money or your attention for a minute. That
is, if we don't mind the byproducts of fear, self-doubt, continuous
spiraling, and eventual outbursts of anger, hate, attempts to take
control without guidance.
In marketing, sadly, it is sort of
okay. This means companies can make more products for more problems and
cash in more and more and more....
As consumers I believe it's
our job not to click those links, not to write those social media posts,
not to trend those hashtags. But that's just me.
As parents,
however, I'm more passionate about the problem of this habit. I, too, used
to employ loud fear for attention, and then mumble possible answers
without conviction or confidence. I believe that for most of us moms and
dads and aunts and teachers and friends, that is the problem. We know
what we're afraid of. We know what we don't want. However, we're far
less clear on what we do want and how to help.
This is a dangerous, dangerous, dangerous thing.
Teaching is far more effective when we focus on useful answers and
adventure toward the yes.
When we seek out the why and playfully
challenge ourselves to discover answers.
"Jumping On The Couch Is
Safer When You Put Cushions On The Ground" "Grown Ups Want To Help You
Figure It Out" "Vegetables Give You Superpowers Of Concentration And
Lead To Dessert" "Playing While Doing Homework Can Be One Long Funfest"
My hope is that we'll shift our parenting and marketing techniques. In
some ways, marketing might be an easier place to start because we know
what we want: a sale. A share. A comment. With parenting our hearts and
heads and souls are so caught up in the thing it's harder to be clear.
We want love, skills, less pain for our special needs kiddo, more
friends for our child, happiness, the ability to read, acceptance.... it
can get messier.
So maybe we start by paying attention to
ourselves. No pressure, just notice. Let's say yes more (even when it's
to say no) and let's click on links that celebrate rather than frighten.
Stories that inform rather than shift us to conform.
I've
shared FIX IT IN FIVE with THE BRAIN BROAD a few times, and a few of my
followers have liked and commented and shared and retweeted. But when I shared the video
that my mom (Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad) uploaded about Autism and
the Oregon shooter, a video that tells us with clarity what we are doing wrong, it was shared and watched quicker. This is
okay, it's an important video to be sure!
This is what it looks like to be busily beating Writer's Block. Not too shabby!
There was a reporter looking for writers who would share a tip for
beating Writer's Block. She then wanted us to show how that tip could
be transferred to writing wedding vows. I thought that was neat! So, I
shared my tip.
Then I thought it might be neat to share here
with you, and transfer my tip, instead, to parenting. Because, you know,
I like making everything about parenting!!
So, my perseveration
with parenting becomes your tip for beating Writer's Block and
Parenting Block. (Feel free to roll your eyes at my obvious attempt to
plant the 'perseverations are motivators and can be useful' seed. tee
hee!)
Tip 1 How I beat writer's block: I used to fear
Writer's Block and that fear would paralyze me. It would make a home in
my skull and point out all the obvious reasons that anything I had once
upon a time written was merely fluke, and not nearly as good as I
thought it was in the first place. But, I no longer fear it. Actually,
today I embrace Writer's Block.
I get my writing energy from the
mood that moves over me while I'm writing, but I get my ideas from the
life I live when I'm not writing. So during those times that I find
myself stumped by Writer's Block I take advantage of my quiet mind; I
listen to and feel the ideas around me. When a feeling or idea starts an
internal monologue, I just start writing, trusting that the mood will
move over me.
It always does!
Tip 2 Using This Tip for Parenting Block:
Quick Definition of Parenting Block - When you want to help your child
feel happier or learn a skill or move forward but you feel like you've
tried everything and you think you have no more ideas or creative solutions.
Don't fear Parenting Block, don't fear that you're not going to think
of something helpful or impressively creative or pertinent to your
child's situation. Fear hinders us in most things, especially parenting
(and writing).
Instead, trust that the mood will move over you;
but listen actively to the ideas around you. Listen to the idea you get
when you notice how often your daughter picks at her toes, feel the
creative motivators that tickle your inner monologue when you hear your
son repeat the same phrases or sounds that sooth him, wonder why the toe
picking and sound repeating is a consistent habit for your loved one
and listen when they show you, tell you, give you clues. Too often we
are so busy parenting that we forget to slow down, follow, listen, and
learn.
Sometimes Parenting Block is our best Parenting Tool.
When you are out of ideas, relax and listen. Don't fear that the ideas
won't come, they will! And they will come easier when you get fear out
of the way.
Hear those whispers of ideas, listen to them, and
then just start parenting. Trust the mood to move over you, allow it to
meander (you can tweak the idea later) and know that parenting is only a
little bit smart ideas and creative solutions. Mostly, it's you loving
your child, learning with him, listening to her, and saying what you
feel.
So, turn up the volume on those whispering ideas, and parent from the place where you feel.
Bonus Tip: Writer's Block & Parenting Block
When all else fails, fall back on an old favorite. A thing you and your
children love. Dancing, singing, walking, movie watching, building,
cooking, wrestling, driving, reading. But do it with the intention for
newness. Listen different and see different. Often our greatest moments
come when we revisit an old favorite with new eyes and ears.
Okay. It's time for me to stop being so darned afraid that I can't write a great novel. How do I do that? I'm going to write a novel! I've got three strongly enticing novel ideas that are delicious "What if...." scenarios, filled with deeply interesting characters whom I've come to adore. All three novels are mostly completed--in my mind. Oh, I've written down stuff for all three of them. Stuff being useful to me, mostly, as a procrastination tool. I feel like I could write a great novel, but then I read one, a really great one, and I change my mind. I could never do that!!! Yet, I know I could write a novel. So, thanks to Chuck Wendig's consistent support of us fellow writers, and his insightful advice and suggestions (oh, and the shock-prod. And the threat of bees. Ooooohhhhh.... the bees!) I've decided to stop being afraid that I can't write a great novel, and to start writing a novel. I've also decided to write my first novel alongside the suggestion of Chuck's that we create an outline and share it. (It's the "share it" part that roped you in!)
In this way I'm pushed forward.
I've also got this excuse if the whole thing turns out to be complete garbage: Well, it's not my fault! That's what Chuck told me to do!! You see? It's a win/win! tee hee! So, for my writing pleasure--and for your opportunity to peek underneath the garments of my first ever novel--here's my (I think?) outline:
The Mice Will Play
an eventual novel by Tsara Shelton (maybe even a great one?)
Four brothers are left home for a night while mom goes out
with friends. Her sister is getting
married and it’s the bachelorette. The
oldest, Rand, is sixteen and pissed off at being forced to babysit his
brothers. There is a campfire party tonight
that he has to go to or the girl he has finally been making headway with
(Marina) will find someone else. His mom
is not stupid. She knows that’s how it
works at his age. You have to be there
or someone else will. Heck, she went to
the same campfire parties when she was in high school!
So he decides to go and bring his brothers. He could leave them home with the next
oldest, Reese, but truth be told he’s not sure they wouldn’t tell. Also his baby brother, Raif, is a perfect
chick magnet. Riley, the thirteen year
old, might ask a few too many weird and annoying questions but by the time the
booze is flowing and flirting turns into making out no one will care.
The hike through the woods behind the house is
uneventful. Reese listens to his ipod,
Raif runs around excited and nervous to be going to a teenager party and Riley
is constantly distracted by trees and bugs and rocks and sticks and ants and
footprints.
The party is just starting when they get there. Marina is smoking a cigarette, here hair black
and frizzy as usual, her clothes a little dirty and disheveled looking. Rand feels his heart beat a little faster and
his stomach tickle. He imagines she is
probably thinking about politics or world hunger or corporate something or
other. This is one of the things he is
attracted to about her. She seems
oblivious to the fact that no one else is interested and assumes that they want
to know. Rand feels like if she likes
him it will mean he is smart. He knows
he isn’t but wants so badly to be.
Rand starts swatting away worries about his brothers like
flies. The new kid, Willie, is here. He’s dangerous and Rand knows that his
youngest brother, Raif, will be drawn to him. Raif is half black and loves
hanging around the older black guys like Lawson, DeShawn, and Kendal. They’re gregarious
and get a kick out of his dance moves. They have an almost dangerous vibe, but
Rand has been friends with them for a long time and really, they’re cool guys.
Well, they were cool guys till Willie moved here. He’s angry in ways that this
small town hasn’t really seen in its high school hallways. Things have changed
with that crowd (and the newspaper headlines suggest they’ve changed for the
entire town) and Rand knows he’d better keep Raif away from the whole group. He
knows Reese, too, is angry. But not at society, at him. He knows he’s going to
be pushing limits to piss Rand off. Already he sees him taking swigs of vodka
and flirting heavily with Rand’s ex-girlfriend. And Riley, Riley isn’t likely
going to participate in the drinking or smoking, and he’s probably not going to
be overly influenced by the dangerous Willie, but there’s a real danger of him diving
deeper into his imaginary world and ignoring everyone so completely that he
gets hurt in a way Rand could never anticipate.
As the party grows Reese starts drinking and gets pretty
drunk. Rand finds him making out with
one of the girls and then another. Raif
is the life of the party and dances like Michael Jackson while everyone cheers
him on. He also keeps asking Rand when
they can go home… Riley goes missing.
Rand tries to get friends to help him find his brother but
everyone just gives him shit for bringing them in the first place and say he’s
probably gone home, or he’s around here somewhere, relax man.
Marina goes with him to look. Reese is passed out so Raif comes as
well. Marina doesn’t seem to have an
opinion on Rand bringing the troop to a campfire party. Rand is both pissed at Riley and
worried. It’s just like Riley to take
off and follow some stupid train of thought.
He’s probably checking for dinosaur bones a mile away because the shape
of the clouds around the moon made him think he knew where to look. It doesn’t take them long to find Riley and
he is looking for dinosaur bones but
because he heard something that reminded him of Jurassic Park.
The trek back to the party is slow, Rand and Marina are
feeling kinda like staying in the woods together. Instead they gather Reese, who has thrown up
twice and can’t find his phone, and Raif who moonwalks out of sight of the
partiers and then whines to be carried home.
Marina doesn’t live too far off the path so Rand walks her most of the
way home, although not all the way because she doesn’t want him to be seen by
her parents. Marina’s dad is alright but he doesn’t like Rand’s mom—she’s
single and her boys have a variety of dads—so he doesn’t trust Rand. Marina
kisses Rand lightly, and for a moment Rand forgets everything about the night
other than this. But as he takes his brothers to the house he finds himself
using the kiss to justify the whole evening, and his own desperate need to justify
is too clear. Even he, a sixteen year old boy, can’t ignore that his decision
had been unfair and unsafe. Raif and Riley go to bed. Reese and Rand stay up talking.
Rand is still pissed at his mom for putting
him in that position but even more than that, he doesn’t want her to find
out. Reese is pissed at Rand for putting
him in that position but even more than that, he doesn’t want mom to find
out.
They know that she will find out.
They also know, because of past experience and that strange way she has of not-judging them into telling the truth, they will be the ones to tell her.
*Ramona, mom, grew up in this town. She has a bit of a reputation for being woo woo and hippy-ish--she took off with her older sister to live on an organic farm in Canada when she was sixteen and they both came back after two years, Ramona with a baby (Rand) and pregnant (Reese). Getting pregnant at eighteen
and raising boys on her own she has always been deeply honest, easily loving, and always there. Making the little money they survive on by working in the local library and writing book reviews for a small independent online magazine her sister is the editor for. Her sons adore her but this adoration doesn't come without turmoil and confusion. Though they do know that she deserves a night out. That she deserves kids who would stay home and not risk losing one to a
dinosaur expedition or alcohol poisoning. * (this is stuff that we learn through the course of the night, via inner conflict and dialogue.)
The sun is coming up. Ramona’s boys are home, and just before they fall asleep the sound of
crunching gravel tells them that so is Ramona. At the sound of the car door slamming shut, the two oldest boys fall
asleep on separate couches.
# # #
Okay, so that's it!
That's the basic theme/idea/skeleton/outline of the novel I'm going to be working on. If you think it sounds interesting (I hope you think it sounds interesting!) and you think it has potential (I think it has potential!) then be sure to Opt In to have my posts delivered to your inbox! I'll keep you updated on the progress (please know, it will be slow!) of my first (maybe great?) novel!!
I let my fifteen year old son drive our old beat-up van down the dusty country road that leads to our house. "Do you know where to aim your eyes?" I asked him, remembering how uncertain I had been at his age. Should I look at the road immediately in front of me or farther ahead?? And what about when making a turn? Do I watch where my tires are meeting the road? If so, how?
In typical teenage fashion, my son offered a cheeky,"Don't know mom. Should I keep my eyes at ten and two?" Very funny!
"I'm being serious, you goofball!" I answered with a nervous giggle. I'm always a bit nervous when letting my boys take the wheel.
He humored me by answering honestly, though still with a bit of attitude,"I look ahead, where I'm going. Not at my hands or on the road right in front of me, but farther ahead. If I'm focused on where I'm going, I'll still see all the other stuff but without being distracted by it."
Well I'll be! "Exactly! Did I already tell you this?"
"Mom, you tell us that stuff all the time. Not about driving, but about life. I just noticed that it works for driving, too."
I'm proud to say, he's quite ready to take the wheel.
I tend and love learning similar lessons from both.
I have a habit of pointing out the value of encouraging growth that
embraces the bigger picture rather than the "look at me right now and be
impressed" model. Gardens that are encouraged rather than forced,
people who find their own style rather than one they use to impress--this is what I celebrate most.
The gardening we do with an eye on future gardens, the folks who tend
them, and the world it's meant to enhance, is equally as beautiful (to
me, it's more beautiful) as the one we primp and preen to wow now.
I love encouraging and guiding the natural plants that want to grow
around me just as I love encouraging and guiding the natural
personalities and passions of my children. They often don't match the
landscape, sometimes one will take over for a while, and there are times
when I don't like the smell of them, but always I know there will be
shifts and changes and that I am playing an important role by allowing
and guiding and learning to know what and why some of the
plants/passions grow.
Wild growth encourages us to adventure and
discover new things. Collaborative gardening, planting and growing with
an understanding of what we want and what the earth wants, encourages
us to be flexible and thoughtful with our wants.
These are
beautiful examples of playing a role and taking action while keeping an
eye on the inherent, important, innate value of what wants to grow and why.
Nature and parenting.
I tend and love learning similar lessons from both.
My son is here! My son is here!! I'm so happy!!!!!
Tyran lives in California and I live in Texas so I don't get to see him
as often as I'd like. But he's here for a few weeks and I'm loving it!!
OBSERVATION: Tyran is nineteen
and he's a wellness coach, as well as an Herbalife distributor. I've
listened to him help out a few clients over the phone and it's fun how
familiar it sounds. Like when I hear my mom help a client over the
phone.
I don't get to hear much, there's generally a
confidentiality thing so both mom and Tyran walk away for privacy, but
first I get to hear this: Kindness, Confidence, Patience, Answers, and
Listening To The Client. Both mom and Tyran are honestly interested in
helping their client get what they want, not what mom or Tyran think
they should want.
HONEST REALIZATION: If Tyran hadn't been away
from me so much I may have missed noticing this. The last time I saw him
he was still stumbling over his words and unsure of his products.
Hearing him now the transformation is beautiful and obvious! However, if
I'd been around for the incremental changes I may not have noticed.
So I've praised and pointed out his skill, and we've had a blast
comparing his weight loss and health products with my mom's mental
health behavior skills. At the end of the day, both mom and Tyran are
helping people be happier and healthier. So cool!
IN CONCLUSION:
1) It's okay that my son lives far away. 2) It's a good idea to notice
incremental changes. 3) I'll have stories about how amazing my family is
for the rest of my life; that's how I help people be happier and
healthier. 4) See? I'm cool too!! Hugs, smiles, and love!!! Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)
<---- My sons are starting their own entertainment company. So, have a peek at their website for Tyran's contact info!! Schedule a health profile with him today!
