Internet Event: Candlelight Vigil for Autistic Children Who Lost Their Lives After Wandering

I have four brothers and they were all autistic. We four teenage sisters would each get one brother buddy on outings, while mom kept a chronically head-counting eye on everyone distractedly directing the fun and festivities. 

Two of my brothers were wanderers--elopers--and one of the two was always finding a body of water to dive into. He must have found joy--or some other desired feeling-- in splashing frantically waiting for mom to save him. Miraculously, she was always able to save him. And the rest of the outing would continue, laughter and wet clothes included. 

My youngest brother (who was quite an escape artist!) was usually easy to find, his antics attracted screams and finger pointing galore. We just followed the freaked out strangers and there he was; too high up, too carefree, too dangerously trusting and interested in overly hot things. 

My point is, regardless of the truth that mom had brilliantly assigned a sister to a brother, the 1 to 1 ratio in our favor for safety, they were talented in their ability to lose us. It was scary, and a sigh of relief could be felt in the depths of our souls when we'd finally get to the car. All eight kids and one amazing and accomplished mom.

She had taken her children out and introduced them to the world, and introduced the world to them.

We went out often. Because the only way to parent with an eye on the future is to let go of fear and teach over and over and over and over and over...

And eloping certainly wasn't only an issue when on outings. Home was an ever changing creatively safe/closed-up kind of place. Locks, shoelaces, alarms, noisy doorknob decorations... whatever we could find was employed with a hope that we could keep family safe, while allowing freedom. Inviting friends over was fun for us teen girls, and we all got a kick out of explaining.

My brothers are all men now, and no longer wander. Well.... my youngest brother makes his living wandering our small Texas town with a lawn mower and willingness to clean a car or move some furniture, but it's no longer quite so dangerous. Largely because my mom believed in them and taught them the world.

But mostly, because we were lucky. 

Sadly, so sadly, many families--too many families--are not lucky.

Jill Smo of Yeah. Good Times. has created a beautiful and important event. An internet candlelight vigil in remembrance of those who were not so lucky.

"This event is not about placing blame or even to talk about solutions. The sole purpose of what the vigil was created this for is to simply remember the children who have died." ~Jill Smo

Please join us tomorrow, April 1st, in honoring those families. In honoring those children who were looking for something, needing something, dreaming something, and lost their lives in the course of it. Plaster your social media and blog posts with this image. Speak freely and honestly about it. Take some moments to reflect and remember. 

Check out the event on Facebook: Candlelight Vigil for Autistic Children Who Lost Their Lives After Wandering

And continue to introduce your autistic loved ones to the world. It's a kindness society is in honest need of. 

Hugs, smiles, and love.
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

~~Jill invites you to take and share the image. Please do!! Or share blog posts about the event, check out your social media feeds and click SHARE on the image which I hope you'll see plenty of! Huge hugs!!~~

Autism Answer: What Are You Used To?

When my husband and I were dating, he was consistently amazed at how accepting my mom and dad were. Whenever he'd dated a white woman before, the parents were horribly cruel. He was used to them blaming him for every hardship and never inviting him into their homes. So, by simply seeing him as an equal my parents seemed impressive and brave. 

When my brother would be greeted with happy smiles by my sons rather than, "What do you want, Uncle Rye?" his entire mood shifted to one of comfort and returned kindness. Because my brother had a habit of coming over only when he wanted something he'd gotten used to people steeling themselves for a request, and being less than excited about seeing him. But when we remembered not to assume and instead just be inviting, he'd often forget what it was he wanted in the first place. Because in truth whatever it was usually had everything to do with trying to feel happy, and our own joy had given him that.

When I wake my sons up on school days and they get ready for the day without trying to stay home, or trying to talk themselves out of trying to stay home, but instead just dress and brush and deodorize while chatting, I am proud of them. I'm used to Shay hiding under the covers and grumbling about needing just one more hour of sleep, and Declyn talking to me about why he should stay home and then talking to himself about why he shouldn't talk to me about staying home. So the days that my boys are comfortable about school in the mornings, I'm impressed and giddy!

When I go to the store with my brother, Dar, and his flicking fingers and random happy jumps and claps have nearby shoppers pulling their children closer and offering sad nods my way, I'm uncomfortable and confused. I'm used to beautiful smiles and waves from strangers, so when the world behaves with fear or pity, it stands out.

But guess what? I used to be used to shoppers acting uncomfortable and judgmental. So this new normal is fabulous! And it was very on purpose. My mom taught us to be open and comfortable and introduce ourselves to folks who were interested. She taught us to be an example of how to be so that the shoppers could take cues from us.

Because when the world behaves with acceptance and kindness, we are encouraged to go out more often, and since I am in the world I may as well start with me! 

Keep an eye on what you're used to, and feel free to take steps to change it when necessary. My husband has slowly gotten used to being accepted, and now expects it. My brother comes over more often just to hang out, and is now used to being greeted with happy hellos. My sons used to get up comfortably for school and now they don't, so I'm no longer used to simple and stress free mornings. Noticing this has encouraged me to take steps to discover what's different. Turns out, it's pretty much all about girls and unrequited love. So, I'm helping them through.... best I can!

My point is, take advantage of noticing what you're used to so that you can follow the clues when things are unusual, and you can celebrate when the thing you're used to is something wonderful and intentional! 

This weekend my boys and I will be dancing in the living room, watching movies, hiking with the dogs, and saying "we'll clean up in one hour" a lot. I can be pretty sure of that, because it's what we're used to. And we love it!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Autism as a Gift to the World

What is it that makes autism so hard? I know we all want to shout out immediate answers like, "poo on the walls!" or "questionable future for myself and my children!" or "no freakin' sleep!". I have no intention of shrugging those shouts off, but I want to suggest that one of the fiercest reasons autism can be so hard is common perceptions of social norms. Whether we are parents of autistic children, friends or neighbors of autism, individuals on the spectrum or all of the above, a desire to fit in and be liked is running rampant. Because wanting to fit in and be liked is human.

I can't tell you how many times my low functioning thirty-two year old autistic brother would jump up and down clapping and screaming in a public place, and immediately my vision would become fuzzy. My smile would become fake. I'd giggle and ask my brother to calm down and show his joy only to me, not the entire store. The giggle and the smile were both for my brother and the staring (and usually frightened!) strangers. The asking him to calm down was for me, so that the staring strangers would think I am a nice person taking her strange man-brother out of the house even though I have to restrain his joy and teach him to keep it down, and then stop staring.

Some good news is, my mom is a wonderful teacher who has drilled into my head explain, explain, explain. And so my brother would then hear me lovingly explain why it is inappropriate to scream and jump in the store. How the older lady that had just turned ridiculously white may have actually had a heart attack and we were just lucky that she didn't! In all, a well handled and not all too horrible situation. However, the whole time I could feel eyes on me and judgments (like "poor girl"... yuck!) boring into my skin. I couldn't wait to get home where our joy could be screamed and jumped without risking stranger intervention. 

I chose to use this example where things were loving and fine, even though there have been many much uglier incidences, because I was still uncomfortable. I was still aware that when people go to the store they want to shop, use coupons, find good deals and possibly flirt with the cashier. They don't want to have heart attacks or worry about a strange man flicking their ponytail. Because I know this, because I've learned this, I allow myself to feel apologetic and embarrassed. 

Who made up these common perceptions of social norms? Why shouldn't we go to the store hoping to run into Mark Ruffalo, feel comfortable helping a stranger get himself and his walker into his van, dance in the aisles while we look for the organic ketchup or apologize to the sensory challenged child for our loud tie dyed shirt and then make a game of finding something to cover up with? Who decided we shouldn't walk out our door expecting magic and curiosities? 

I truly would like to meet this person and suggest that these common perceptions of social norms are hurting our world. Children are bullied and afraid to be themselves. Hormone imbalanced teens are trying to discover their individuality but want desperately to fit in, appear "normal". New moms and dads are looking outside themselves to see how to be good parents. Men and women who have spent a lifetime working and paying bills, acquiring the "right things" and handling responsibilities are still looking for themselves. Common perceptions of the social norms are hurting us and stifling our discovery of self. 

For families with autism it is truly one of the biggest hurdles. And, perhaps because of the importance behind spreading open mindedness and a willingness to do things different in the world of autism, we will fight for this important change. Perhaps autism is the gift that will force us to re-evaluate our common perceptions of social norms. Our world has become dangerously rule bound, fear based, judgmental, and drugged. 

But it is also beautifully littered with people who mean well, are loving and willing to allow for difference.

We are only human. We are wonderfully human. We are all human. The rest is just perception. It doesn't have to be common. 

Once again... Autism Answers.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton

Autism Answer: Teaching then Playing vs Teaching while Playing

There is an immense and important difference between teaching our kids and then rewarding with play vs playing with our kids to teach.

It's:
Showing our kids what we know and telling them to show us that they listened vs having fun together, taking advantage of and practicing skills during play, valuing connections and exploring possibilities as a team.

It's:
Telling them what to do and what to think in order to get a reward vs sharing what we believe we know and encouraging confident additions or arguments and creative ways to do it different.

It's:
Get to know me and what I've learned vs getting to know each other and learning to communicate comfortably.

When we choose to teach our children and then reward with play we are suggesting that learning and skill acquisition are work, and that work isn't the fun part.

However, when we play with our kids to teach we encourage a generation of passionate, connected, playful, confident people who discovered their skills and ideas alongside parents who saw innate value and offered guidance and wisdom.

Not only that, but playing with our kids is way more fun that telling them to calm down and comply. And it's way easier!! They want to play!! They may not want to play our games our way, and they may prefer quiet stimmy games or noisy furniture bouncing games or focused perseverative interest games, but they want to play.

Let them show us the game, while we encourage the lessons.

Teaching is something we are always doing. When we do it while we play it's far more effective.... and fun!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton

International mental health specialist Lynette Louise aka THE BRAIN BROAD
working hard teaching language and social skills and pattern recognition.
Looks like fun, huh?
It is!!!

~~Wanna see how beautiful and effective teaching while playing is? Have a look at the first video on this page! http://www.brainbody.net/videos/ ~~

Autism Answer: Top Of The List!

My friend has a step dad that was never good to her. In fact, he was pretty bad. A few days ago he had a stroke and is struggling. He's going to survive, but it may be years before he's like his old self, if ever. 

So, my friend got in the car and drove from her home in Colorado to her mom's home in central Texas, an eighteen hour drive. She has been at her mom's side, who's been mostly at her step-dad's side, since arriving. Today she confided. "I'm worried that I'm a bad person. I'm here for my mom, I'm concerned for my mom, I'm thinking about how I can help my mom. My step-dad isn't top of my list, but he's the one that's sick."

I suggested she let go of her guilt. "Your step-dad will be top of the list for the people that he earned it from. He never earned it from you, but your mom did. Besides, I'm sure your step-dad wants someone to be there for your mom. So, it's something that you're doing for him as well."

She seemed to feel better.

And I admitted quietly to myself that I was there for my friend. She's top of my list. 

As I traveled with my friend, along with her sisters and her mom, to the hospital so that I could babysit the wildly adorable nieces and nephews, leaving my own children and responsibilities to others who love me, I knew I was doing it for my friend. Not for her mom, not for her sisters, and not for her step-dad, though they are in my heart, I was doing it (gladly!) for her. 

One of the gifts autism has given me is a willingness to be honest about my list. I reflect, I pay attention to communication and love that is offered to me in various forms and creative ways, I make sure to share my own love and communication comfortably and with an excitement about going above and beyond when I can, and I let go of the guilt when I know that I can't.

I have been gifted with enough on my plate, so it doesn't seem necessary to offer my time and commitment to those who haven't earned it from me. I trust and believe in their ability to earn it elsewhere.

We can't do everything for everyone, and it's pretty self important of us to think we should! Instead, believe in everyone and know that they are on the top of someone's list, or know that they can be.

Supporting people means going out of our way and exhausting our talents, so don't feel guilty when you only give that kind of support to the folks that are top of your list. 

And forever be open minded and honest about who deserves to be up there! 

People support us in many different ways, don't forget to see it when a friend or loved one exhausts their talents and goes out of their way for you often, even when it's a little harder to see. A gift is a gift, some you must unwrap yourself.

Hugs, smiles, and love!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton

My friend and I.
Hanging out in Colorado!

Autism Answer: Read Between The Lines~ A Guest Post By Jory Shelton

It's spring, and my son is blossoming! Well, all of my sons are blossoming, but my oldest has written today's guest post, so let's look at him! 

His post is about communication. Growing up with autistic uncles, brothers, and friends--it's not surprising that he's got ideas and thoughts growing organically in regards to this topic. It's fertile ground indeed! 

Season after season we grow and change and evolve. My son--in his time and season--is looking fabulous from where I sit. From my time and season. 

Happy Spring!! 
and Happy Reading!!
~Tsara Shelton

Read Between Lines

By: Jory Shelton

www.fourbrothersoneworld.com /Facebook/jory.shelton

When I was a boy I believed in many things. I thought Santa was real, I thought I would always love Power Rangers, and I thought that the hazard button on the car would turn it into a plane. 

One thing that I have found most interesting among all of the sort-of silly things I believed as a child was my belief that what people said is what they meant. 

I am twenty now, and I still find the whole idea of saying something while implying something else--or meaning another thing entirely--incredibly fascinating. From the simple, "I'll be there soon" when it turns out to be four hours, to the more complex, "I love you". 

Life just seems so unnecessarily complex sometimes.

I'm writing this right now because I'm single, bored, and hungry for a good story that really strikes my fancy. I have been living day to day dreaming of a world where I can get a job, do great things, make good money, and have a family to support. As I sit here thinking, like I do most days, about why I don't have these things going for me just yet I ponder; if people were to mean what they say, then I would have all of these things. You know, if that man who stopped me on the street about a job that paid twenty dollars an hour had really meant what he was dishing out, and if that pop-up on my computer actually meant that I won one hundred thousand dollars.... and then there is love. Romantic love, to me, is one of the single hardest subjects to justify. Saying something about a job is one thing, but putting someone's heart and soul on the line for something that no one can be absolutely sure of, now that just seems crazy. 

See, the subject of this inquiry, this questioning quest, is maybe to you a simple, "why do we say something that we just flat out are not sure of?" Maybe that's what it is to me too. But here's what I have learned through living, breathing, and wondering. 

People say many things, often we just say something to say something. Perhaps if words only came with struggle, as they do for my uncle, we would be more selective and real, as it is with my uncle. But most of us use words too easily and there isn't always a real belief to back up our words. So anytime to you talk to someone just remember that they are (almost always) equally as sure about what they're saying as you are about what you're saying. Everyone is on the same page, some people just don't accept that. 

We are all equal in every way and in every word, believe that. 

The Author: Jory Shelton
Communicating with words
Learning to mean what he says,
and listening with a similar hope. 

Autism Answers: The Family Reunion

Today was my husband's family's yearly reunion. It is also my step-daughter's forty-fourth birthday, and my gift to her was wrapped in a lecture.

You see, she told me today that she's pregnant, and already a few months along. She hadn't said anything to me or her dad before today because she's still feeling confused, uncertain, and scared. She wasn't ready to talk about it.

I congratulated her on the pregnancy, I gave her a hug, and we all climbed into the van headed to the reunion. Then I did my first deed as a grandma to this new little one. Turning in my seat I looked at my step-daughter and said with comfortable strength, "You've got to stop drinking. For the baby, you just have to."

"I like the taste of beer....," my step-daughter huffed.

"It doesn't matter. You already know my adopted brothers have lived their whole lives struggling with disabilities, many that could have been avoided if their birth mom had quit drinking for the nine months she was pregnant with each one. It's only nine months for you, but it's your child's whole life."

"Don't you know I've tried, mom?" my step-daughter finally made eye contact with me. "It's hard. My boyfriend is so mean, he talks to me like I'm nothing, he wants me to kick my daughter out of the house (she's also pregnant). When I drink, I can forget."

"These are all reasons. But you can make them be reasons for something different, something besides drinking. They can be the reason you leave him, the baby can be the reason you stop drinking and keep your job this time. They can be the reason you go to a women's shelter, or get support elsewhere. Maybe start accepting it from us. There are reasons for everything, sweetie, but you decide what they're for. You are in charge, not the reasons."

My step-daughter was quiet and reflective. I'll admit, she had also already been drinking.

Just as we were getting to my sister-in-law's house--where the reunion was taking place--my step-daughter reached forward from the seat behind mine and rubbed my arm. As we piled out of the van, she held me tight and whispered, "I'm so glad you're here mom. Thank-you. A new beginning. I know it...."

She had unwrapped her gift.

My much older than me husband, my slightly older than me step-daughter, and our mismatched youngest sons went in to join the rest of our family. We are not typical, but we are family.

The baby in my step-daughter's belly was my reason for speaking up with kindness and strength. There are so many other things that baby could be my reason for, but kindness and strength seem right to me.

Be sure to insist that your reasons lead you to something beautiful, comfortable, and strong.

I truly hope my step-daughter does the same.
I truly hope she holds onto the gift.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton

My step-daughter and my two youngest sons!!