Autism Answer: The Work Of Making Better Memories

 
My least favorite memories are the ones where I was a jerk. 

So I remind myself, in those moments where I'm tempted to be impatient, unthoughtful, or unwilling to be inconvenienced, that the moment happens now but the memory remains. 

It's absolutely worth it, every time, to take a breath and encourage myself to be better, to take the time to see what I honestly think is my best move; my most useful and kind action (and, admittedly, that can be not helping someone or walking away, but it doesn't mean being cranky, mean, or unwilling to be uncomfortable or inconvenienced) and to do that. Regardless of what good excuse I may have for being lazy about doing what I think is the right thing. Too many times in my past I have hidden behind fear of being unliked, fear of backing the wrong horse, worry about looking naive or stupid, annoyance at feeling inconvenienced or too often needed, and with those as my excuses or reasons, I made memories I am stuck remembering. They are not memories I enjoy. 

It's always worth it to take the time to do what I think is actually the best kindest truest action. When I remember those choices, even later as I learn many of them were not kind or best, I don't dislike the memory because it is a memory of doing what I thought was right. 

Let's always try to do the work of giving ourselves better memories. The moment is important but fleeting. The memory stays and informs us as we tell the story of what kind of person we are. 

It's always worth it to do the work, to forgive ourselves when we didn't, and to get better and better at making sure we do.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)
@TsaraShelton (Twitter)

Autism Answer: A Resume For Personal Planning And Reflection

Working with my eighteen-year-old son on his resume was a surprisingly wonderful way to learn more about how he sees himself and what he wants for his future.

It also offered some organic opportunities for me to suggest slight shifts and to help him highlight qualities he can be proud of.

"Don't lie on your resume," I explained, "but take the time to show how even your challenges are part of why you'll be a good employee."

"I don't think daydreaming makes me a good employee," he pointed out.

"No, but you daydream because you have an interest in stories and people. So, let them know that you have an interest in people which makes you helpful and a good listener most of the time; then if you want you can admit that sometimes you daydream."

"That's true," he realized. "What about that thing you always bug me about? That I move too slow."

His sly grin was no match for my ability to spin everything into a positive! To add a little perspective! "You mean the thing about you moving slowly because you're careful? Because you don't want to risk making a mistake by rushing? That thing?" Ha!

He nodded and realized that is also true. Part of the truth, but still true.

His resume is an honest reflection of him for his potential employers. And it has reflected himself to himself, also. Writing it meant thinking about who he is, what kind of job he really wants, and who he wants to be.

It meant focusing on his strengths which reminded him to focus on his strengths. 
 
It was fun!

Well, not the part where we had to actually type it on the computer and learn formatting and stuff. That wasn't fun.

But talking about it and planning it and imagining bringing it to the places he wants to work was fun!

And like I always say, it's deeply important to love the work you do although it's necessary to remember there will be aspects you don't enjoy. Like learning to format documents and stuff. So I guess even that was fun because I got to example loving my work (helping my sons) while doing the aspect I don't love without complaint (formatting).

Errrrr.... don't tell him I complained. Kay?
tee hee!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!! 
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

 P.S. If you are looking for someone to work nights, especially bartending in a not too busy bar or working at a hotel desk, I know a handsome young man who would love an interview! :D

Autism Answer: A Pack of Cigarettes

The evening was warm and the parking lot was busy with visitors grabbing random items before the store closed for the night. I sat in my car people watching and waiting for Shay,

Shay and Soda

my eighteen year old son, to come out of the local dollar store where he, too, was grabbing random items. 

A typical summer night in small town Texas, I was enjoying the appearance of so many perfectly cast characters - the accents, the unhealthy and unkempt appearances, the comfortable hollering, the stereotypical segregation, the stereotypical integration - and musing at the ways I fit right in. 

I smiled as my son exited the store and headed in my direction. Now here was someone who rarely, regardless of location, fit in! 

Over six feet tall and three hundred pounds he's made for standing out. But more than that, his constant awareness of his own social awkwardness creates habits and energy that are universally distracting. 

I love him so much!

As Shay folded all of himself into our small SUV, I looked apprehensively toward his grocery bag. 

"Don't worry," he said, "I also got Skittles. That's not soda!"

I laughed. He knew exactly what my fear was. He's addicted to soda and I can't stand the stuff. We make jokes that if I could build a time machine I'd use it to hinder the invention of soda while he would use it to stop wars in imaginative (and impossible!) ways. I think we're both onto something!

However, it wasn't the purchase of soda (which was also in his bag) that created interesting conversation. It was the pack of cigarettes. 

"Wait, what?! You bought cigarettes? Why?" I was surprised, but also had a feeling I knew the answer. 

"Well," Shay explained, adjusting his glasses, "I think I can use them to make friends. I know people might want to hang out with me if I say 'Hey, want a smoke?' because smokers are motivated by the addiction."

I had guessed right. "That's what I thought you were thinking. You know, that's not the healthiest way to make friends. Plus, you can't smoke them in or around our house, you know that." 

"Well, duh! I wasn't going to sit outside with a cigarette and hope people would just show up. I'll message them on Facebook or something."

"Oh, brother!" I didn't say anything more about the cigarettes on the drive home. We had the windows open and were enjoying the night air; our silence was comfortable.

This is an ongoing conversation I have with Shay. Making friends is hard for him so he has often devised some strange plan to buy them. Or as he says: "I'm not buying friends, mom. This isn't slavery. I'm buying friendship." So, although I do rack my brain for different ways I can help him make different friends, I didn't feel overly freaked out by this new episode. 

As we arrived home Shay opened the door for me and said, "You know, you should be glad about this. I'm eighteen and this is the first time I've ever bought cigarettes. Most teenagers mess with this stuff a lot sooner than me!"

I laughed and admitted, "Your dad and I do talk often about how amazing you and your brother are. We've hardly had any worries with drugs and alcohol when it comes to you and Declyn. Plus," I added, "you're not even planning on smoking them yourself."

We carried our stuff into the kitchen and he started to pull the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. "What do you think of this kind...." 

I pushed his hand away and said, "I don't want to see them. Put them back." 

Shay smiled. "I love our family. You know? I mean, I just bought cigarettes and instead of yelling or getting all angry you said you don't want to see them. And you told me reasons you don't like it. But we talked, you know? We didn't yell."

"Ya, I like that about us too. But if you buy soda one more time I'm going to lose it!" playfully half yelled. 

Shay booped my nose and squished my cheek (two of his favorite stims) and then headed to his bedroom. 

I thought about the pack of cigarettes. I thought about the "friends" I knew he was messaging. I thought about the new job he has and his struggle with coworkers and customers. 

And I thought about how awesome it is that he's doing so well! He comes home from a nine hour day at work and tells me the things he and his coworkers are figuring out about each other. He seems comfortable talking about, what he calls, "his issues" with folks at work and breaking it down. He doesn't seem too eager to offer excuses but rather more interested in telling his tale. Explaining, not excusing. And, yes, as all my adult sons are wonderfully willing to do, he expects to be accepted. 

My son is still trying to buy friendship, but I have a confidence that it won't be long before that changes. You see, there are places where he will fit in. Places that are more metropolitan, diverse, and artistic.

For a young gay man with social awkwardness and a refusal to keep himself under wraps, small town Texas isn't that place. But he's saving up to get his bartending license (like my dad!) and he's planning to work and live in a city with a more theatrical flair. 

Sure, he'll always be unique. But I'm absolutely confident that he can find an environment where his uniqueness is a compliment to the uniqueness he surrounds himself with. 

I crawled into bed beside my husband and snuggled his strong sexy arm. I didn't tell him about the pack of cigarettes. I know he won't have as easy a time understanding as I do. 

I tell my hubby most things, but there are a few things I keep to myself. 

You see, I have my own way of buying friendship. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Me and Shay at the movies

 

Autism Answer: Lifting Up The World With Important Work

Me and Shay

"I think humans have bruised the earth with pollution and disappointment." ~Shay (when he was about 14)

My second youngest son, Shay, is looking for a job. He wants to pitch in around the house financially and he wants to save up enough money ($600) to take a bartending course and get his bartending license, like my dad.

The other day we were driving through town after having picked up a job application from the local Dairy Queen. It sat on his lap only partially filled out, a grey-ish paper with identifying questions that asked hardly anything about who he actually is. Looking out the window and seeming to daydream, he sighed and admitted a feeling to me.

"I don't think I can get any of these jobs, mom. I need a job that lifts up the world. Working at a gas station or fast food place doesn't do that. Look at Dramma. She travels the whole world helping people. I want to do good, I want to lift up the world."

Boy, oh, boy, did I get it! I struggled for years with that conundrum! Unfortunately, I never voiced the issue. I only let it poison my opinions of myself and others. Luckily, my son said something to me so I was able to share what I now know.

"Honey, I get it. I really, really do! But please know that being happy and liking who you are means you are lifting up the world. Having an open mind and a willingness to listen to people share their thoughts is lifting up the world. Thinking about our home and wanting to pitch in, and wanting to follow your dream of working nights as a bartender who creates games and makes movies is lifting up the world. It's not about the job you have, honey, it's about who you are that lifts up the world. You may get a job at the local donut shop (my first job!) and discover that people there are happier when they have you to talk to. You might be happier having them to talk to. You'll learn things about working that give you ideas for the movies and games you want to write. You might discover a passion of yours that you've never explored, or you may just beam with such pride at making your own money and working at our community bakery that you grow confident and more aware of yourself. These are just small examples of lifting up the world!"

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "I guess. But my brain is so different and I have important things to say to the world. If I just have a regular job, where they ask questions like 'what is your gender and ethnicity and social security number' how can I lift up the world using my ideas? How can I be like Dramma and tell people about autism and not being prejudiced and stuff?"

Holding my long hair in my hand to keep it from whipping in my eyes, enjoying too much the wind playing with us through the open window to solve the problem by closing it, I easily answered, "It's during your life and work that you meet people to learn from and teach to. Conversations happen at work, problems need to be solved, ideas are shared. Trust me, Shay, important lifting up the world work is easy if you don't think you have to separate it from the work of living."  

Adjusting his glasses he shrugged. "That makes sense."

Giving him a sly sideways glance from my perch in the driver's seat I teased. "You're already lifting up the world, you know. But don't worry, kiddo, this important work you're interested in lasts a lifetime. You'll never be out of a job! You'll always have work to do!"

We chuckled and my son finished filling out the job application on his lap. Looking for a job that comes also with a paycheck. tee hee!

Hugs, smiles, and love!! www.fourbrothersoneworld.com <==== My sons' website!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

UPDATE: Shay has his first job interview this Friday!

Autism Answer: Money and Beliefs

We've officially moved! 

It was a lot of work, as moving always is, especially since we were downsizing into a much smaller home. 

We had to pack carefully, choosing to keep only what we truly needed. That sort of thing is always fun and emotionally surprising. A way to practice both letting go and holding on, while getting to know a bit about yourself and your loved ones in the process. 

We did a wonderful job--of packing and sharing insights!--and as we were about to drive away for the last time from the bigger home we'd lived in for nearly sixteen years, my son hopped into our old '89 Ford Pick-Up truck with something in his hands. "You almost forgot to pack the tip jar!" he accused.

"No," I responded, confused by his comment. "I know I packed the tip jar, it was one of the first things I transferred to the smaller house."

My son held up a jar in his hands and I understood.

"Oooohhh.... you mean that tip jar! That one just has coins in it. I made sure to pack the tip jar with the ideas and beliefs and suggestions we wrote in it. That's the one that matters!"

My son looked at me and shook his head with practiced patience. "Mom, they both matter. We need our beliefs, but we need money to buy stuff too. You gotta learn this."

He's right of course, and I love him with all of my heart for reminding me!!!!

Be balanced my friends! Value and explore your beliefs, passions, and ideas. But explore too your expertise and it's monetary value, respect your financial obligations and a few material desires. Money and things are not most important, but they are important! Beliefs and passions are not enough to live on, but they are worth much of your time and respect, and you will be happier and feel more complete because of them!

Be balanced and flexible.  And when you forget, let the world and your loved ones remind you!

My son; unpacking and creating.
Balancing work and fun!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: The Pursuit of "Meaningful Work"

Author's note: So, this post was inspired after I kept trying to comment on this other post, The Problem With Meaningful Work, by Bassam Tarazi. My comment kept disappearing, and I decided instead to write something I could share here with you! xoxo

When I was young I believed that I (and others) should only pursue "meaningful work"... and that any job or volunteering I did should always be part of an attempt to "do good" in the world, or "make a difference".

Growing up I watched my mom always, always, always include inspiration, behavior insights, creative ideas, honest revelations, and even brain science with a message into everything she did. Everything. And so I believed that whatever I did with my life would only be worthwhile if it was "important" and "inspiring".

Then, I grew-up. And I was introduced to reality. 

I found myself needing to pay bills, find housing, make supper. I watched my brothers struggle to hold onto any job, let alone a "meaningful" one. I worked with mom to find new and creative ways to teach my most disabled brother how to not eat all of the butter in every building we entered, and how to talk, and how to take a fair share of the food--not how to find a meaningful job. I met and married a man who spent his days working on cars, or maintaining machinery at a glass factory, and no matter how many times I asked if his work felt meaningful, he answered honestly and without hesitation,"Yes."

So now I still believe that I should pursue "meaningful work". But I also understand that meaningful work is something different for everyone, that it has no specific truth or guidelines.

My sister's meaningful work includes financial success and running a business with her husband, donating to causes, being able to afford classes and educational experiences for her daughters and taking comfortable, quality time talking deeply and honestly with them. My meaningful work includes helping my husband move cars and car parts, writing ideas and inspired thoughts down and then publishing for a world I hope to learn and connect with, revealing personal vulnerabilities and mistakes as a reminder to always grow and accept, being an active and available listener for my sons when they need to bounce ideas or heartbreak hurts around, looking for lessons and support. My sister and I are both doing different "meaningful work"... but we are both doing it!

There really is no specific or right definition of "meaningful work". So I went ahead and made one up for myself!

"Meaningful Work encourages you to discover and explore your ideas, talents, and beliefs. It is something that helps you feel and live your own value with such abundance that it can't help but spill over onto anyone connected to you!!" ~ME

I like my definition, because it's inclusive. No matter who you are, regardless of race, religion, ability, sexual orientation, legal status, health, educational background, physical appearance, or financial independence and/or success, you can pursue meaningful work! 

Both you and the world will be so glad you did!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton