Autism Answer: I Love Buying Used Books - Should I?

I've recently grappled a bit for an answer to a question. 

I love to buy used books. But lately I've been wondering, should I?

Most of my life I've read used books; I love the worn look and feel, and I love the extra dimension of knowing I'm not the first to turn those pages and feel feelings, and I like the recycling aspect. I love to buy new sometimes as well but I've almost never been able to afford it. For years and years this love of worn books has worked perfectly for me. 

Then eBooks happened and I promptly harrumphed them. No smell! No tactile pleasure! No walking past a finished read displayed on my overflowing book piles reminding me of past feelings and lives! 

Yet, how many trees are saved by eBooks? I know that the technology creates problems for nature, but could it be as bad as producing so many physical books? 

And things also changed for me when I became an author myself. I realized, suddenly, that all those delicious books I'd bought or borrowed second hand were not feeding the author. I was falling in love with their sweat, tears, and deep creations but I wasn't paying them for it. 

Hmmmmmm..... I had to rethink a bit.  

Now, though, I've done some rethinking. And I have my answer.

I'm aware that I will likely shift my answer eventually, or at the least I'll rethink it again when new things are introduced for my consideration and understanding*. But for now I'm confident with where I am. 

I will continue to buy or borrow used books. Because it's a form of recycling, because it's a pleasure I crave and deserve, and because as an author I want, more than anything, for people to read and share my book. Sure, I hope I'll make a little money. I like food and coffee and whatever it takes to visit my sons in California. Usually those things take money. 

But when I imagine what I want most of all, it's the sharing of my stories. I love imagining someone years from now stumbling on my book in the dark quiet corner of their local thrift store and being invited into the pages! I'm energized by the possibility that they may even want to share that experience with someone else! 

Besides, when I read a book that I bought at a second hand book store or borrowed from my local library, people see it! People who may never have heard of the book get a look at it and see me enjoying it and, in a way, I'm giving it a little free advertising! 

The one thing I do different now, after my rethinking, is when I love a book, I make sure to take the time to write a review. 

Usually on Amazon but sometimes also here on my blog or elsewhere. Sure, even before this rethinking I often planned to leave a review for the sake of other readers, but I was lazy about it. I'd do it only when it was convenient. It never occurred to me that the author themselves would appreciate my review. I always had them on such a pedestal that I thought little ol' me was a voice that would offer no interest. 

Oops! Authors do care! Not about me but about all of us who read. 

I know that viscerally, now. 

So, thank-you for being here with me while I asked myself this question so that I could have a fun reason to articulate an answer. 

I hope you have a favorite way to read, borrow, and buy books too!!  

Hugs, smiles, and love!! 

Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Most of these were bought used.

*EDIT: A comment on Google Plus by the lovely Rachel Clark just offered more for our consideration. Apparently our technology--eReaders, mobile phones, gaming systems etc.--contain Conflict Minerals, mined in eastern Congo and fueling violent causes in the area while profiting folks who are far from the conflict. I am not a researcher but, sadly, this seems likely.

Autism Answer: My Nieces Are The Greatest Gift - Reflections on their Birthday #Twins

My youngest nieces and my youngest son.

My youngest nieces are six today!!!!! 

I love them soooooooooooo much! They are the most delightful little people I've had the pleasure of spending time with. They are uncommonly happy and comfortable. They are loving and funny and delighted by life. They are heroes! 

It's because of them that they are who they are. It's because they choose to be curious and happy and passionate. It's because they like the way it feels to get attention from their smiles and songs.

But it's also because of us that they are who they are. My sons, my mom, myself, their sisters, their dad, and--most of all--their mom, my sister. So many people who treat them with interest and respect. So many people who light up at the sight and sound of them. 

And it's because of each other. Being twins, they've been at each others side since before the beginning. They have a deep connection that is unusual for most people; a true gift when you are able to have it. I'm quite sure I have it with their mom, my sister.

At the end of the day, though, it doesn't matter why my youngest nieces are such delightful, loving, happy, comfortable people. Although, sure, it's clever to consider it. It's clever to want to take advantage of a thing so we can reuse it elsewhere. Mostly, though, we don't wonder why. 

We're busy celebrating it! Encouraging it! Playing and dancing and laughing and snuggling with it!! 

Which, of course, is a feedback loop I recognize as why my nieces probably keep on growing comfortable, happy, and confident.

My nieces are the greatest gift we could ever hope for on their birthday. 

Happy birthday to my gorgeous little heroes!
 
Aunt T loves you and misses you like crazy!!!!
Hugs, smiles, and love!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Twinning

www.fourbrothersoneworld.com
PHOTO: by Jory Shelton
This is a pic of my two oldest sons and my two youngest nieces. My boys aren't twins but most people think they are.

Autism Answer: Do You Have A Book Like This In Your Home?

"MIRACLES ARE MADE leads you on an incredible emotional journey. Lynette Louise is an amazing woman who brings love, inspiration and hope to families of children on the autistic spectrum. A must read for every parent!" ~Alisa Wolf, M.Ed. -SPED, Executive Director/Founder Actors for Autism 

 

Me and a book I love about a family I love; mine.

MIRACLES ARE MADE: A Real Life Guide to Autism still holds a place as one of my all time favorite books. Written by my mom I confess, I expected to roll my eyes and think things like "That's so mom." or "Who cares about us?" or "That story again?!"

But, no. I was moved, taught, guided, and newly in love with my adventurous pioneering family. Things that nobody would do because nobody was doing it, my mom did! She held our hands, kept a loving eye on how we were affected, and shifted course when her attentive and strange mind knew it was necessary. She always knew before things became a problem.

So, yes! It's "So mom," and thank goodness! Her out of the box brain, with the visions and the fairness and the love, love, love for all children, is unusual and beautiful and So Mom!

"Who cares about us?" We should! She reminds us why our unique family is uniquely valuable! Not because we're "cooler" or "better" but because we did it different, and it worked! 

"That story again?" The one where my brothers were said, by everyone who proposed to want to help them, to be useless and sad and pathetic and unhelpable yet my mom refused to see or understand such foolishness. And so she helped them, in unique ways that are not taught elsewhere, to never believe they (or anyone) is useless, sad, pathetic, or unhelpable. That story? Again! Please! 

"The parent is inevitably left as the final arbiter of what is good for the child, the final judge of what is and isn't helping. MIRACLES ARE MADE gives them the necessary background, and backbone, to level the playing field in the face of so many therapeutic options." ~Seigfried Othmer, Ph.D., Chief Scientist of the EEG Institute, President of the Brian Othmer Foundation, Author of ADD: The 20-Hour Solution

And she tells so many other stories! New ones I never knew from clients around the globe who she helped make their own miracles! Families with autism, Parkinson's, depression, ADHD, strokes, seizure disorders and much more. 

"In MIRACLES ARE MADE, my mom has shared with passion, humor and intelligence our lifetime of learning. The therapies, struggles and mistakes made along the road to independence for three of my four autistic brothers have become a gift for other moms. Other sisters. Other families. This book is a gift for anyone who spends any time at all with children!" ~Tsara Shelton, Writer & Coffee Sipper, Author of Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up 

MIRACLES ARE MADE: A Real Life Guide to Autism is a book about autism, love, family, neurofeedback, diversity, raising the bar and creative ideas. It's a book that I pick up and peruse again and again for inspiration and insight. 

I hope you have a book like that in your home!

If not, I invite you to take a peek at these: http://www.lynettelouise.com/book/
Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: My Parenting Bonding Secret (It's so Simple!)

When there were three.

I was asked for my "Parenting Bonding Secret."

I laughed. It's no secret!! I tell everyone who'll listen. I write about it in books and blogs, and I annoy my hubby with it! 

I have four sons who are now mostly grown. It's true that we are uniquely bonded. I feel it. People comment on it often, sometimes even asking for tips. When my boys were little I didn't know why we were so close and I had a hard time explaining it. But eventually, after enough people asked and I tried to articulate it, and because I started writing "Autism Answers" here with you, I think I've figured it out. 

And it's really simple!

From the moment my sons were born I saw them as people with their own personalities, futures, and talents. I saw my mom role as being privileged to help them blossom, grow, and find those futures. 

I don't think of them as my charges or my responsibility to mold, I don't see my role as teaching them how to be good or polite. 

I see my role more as a guide; someone who knows a few things about the world and wants to share what I've learned while being curious and interested in what they see and how they perceive things.

Because of this we play together, laugh together and grow together, as a unit. I'm not their "friend" exactly, I have a role that includes raising the bar for them and showing them their own capabilities by having clear expectations and insisting on things. 

But because of my belief in their inherent value, and my authentic interest in learning who they are and how they see themselves, bonding has always been easy.

So, that's my not-so-secret-secret to bonding with our kids! 

Our role as parents isn't to mold our children but rather to be so interested in who they are and who they want to be that we'll do whatever it takes to help them articulate and become that. 

In doing that we often become deeply bonded. 

Lifetime adventures where we all play an equal role tends to encourage that!

Happy bonding, friends!! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

And then there were four.

Autism Answer: It's Important to Believe That (Hope for Bullies and The Bullied)

Shay, telling a story with symbolism.

My son, Shay, is wearing a noose around his neck. He tried to explain it's symbolism to me, something about protesting bullies in school. Something about how all lives matter, the bullies and the bullied, and how we need to remember that our actions have long reaching effects and when we choose to be unkind we're tightening a noose around our necks, and the necks of our victims. He's still working on the clarity of his message but his passion is not murky at all. 

After dropping his brother off at school we chatted in the car. The topic? Bullying. 

Shay: Was I ever a bully?

Me: Well, we've all "bullied" people. So, I have seen you bully people before. But you were never a bully. Only two of you boys were ever actually, what I would call, a bully.

Shay: Jory and Tyran, right?

Me: Yup. And they were different types of bullies. Tyran knows he was a bully, and he worked hard to change. I was amazed! Jory, though, I don't think he knows he was a bully. I won't be surprised if he never knows. 

Shay: Ya, he made us feel like it was our fault, like we couldn't take a joke when he was being mean. I think he didn't know how much it hurt. But he mostly bullied Tyran. He bullied Tyran a lot. 

Me: (sighing while years of hurt surface) I know, darling. I know. I didn't see it so much back then, but I do know. 

Shay: And you didn't really stop him either, mom. 

Me: (nodding and acknowledging) Your sort of right. I did stop him, but not enough and not with clear vision. 

Shay: When Tyran bullied me and Declyn, you didn't stop him much either. 

Me: (feeling my footing again, here I have a little more confidence) I know it didn't feel like I was stopping it the way you wanted me to most of the time, sweetie. I know, and I appreciate you for still always knowing I love you. But remember, I was thinking of a much bigger picture. As a mom I didn't want to just stop the cruelty of that moment, I wanted to teach skills and offer love all around. I wanted Jory and Tyran to know that their feelings were valuable but their vision was too self-focused, and I wanted you guys to know that your feelings were valuable and you should tell your brothers what those feelings were. I wanted so,so,so much for you guys, and I wasn't always sure how to show you or teach you. 

Shay: That's probably why we usually knew you were on our side even when it didn't seem like you were mad enough about the bullying. 

Me: Well, I have to admit, I was also fooled by the kind of bullying Jory was doing to Tyran. He seemed bossy, but not like a bully to me. Even though I should have seen it, I didn't. Until I did. And that's when we really helped him find new ways to treat you guys, and himself.

Shay: (patting my hand) You're adorable, mom. Now we're all best friends and we're going to make movies and write books and stuff together. So you helped us in the long run. I guess the stuff you were doing was right. 

Me: I don't think it was right, that's for sure! I would do a lot of things different now! But I was always willing to learn and think and listen to you guys. That was right. 

Shay: I guess there's always hope for bullies and people who are bullied, in the long run. 

Me: Yup. I believe that. 

Shay: It's important to believe that. 

We pulled into the driveway and headed into the house together. Comfortable and relieved. 

We went to our work spaces and started telling stories. 

This is mine. 

Hugs, smiles, and love!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Me and Shay.

 

Autism Answer: IMAGINE and Do

Me imagining.

IMAGINE: A culture where we don't ask our children to find a way to fit into society but, instead, we ask how we can shift society so it values and welcomes all of our children. 

Our culture is broken, friends. 

Now:
We tell our kids to sit, listen, focus, and to believe what we tell them. 

When we do this we harm them. We tell them with our actions and rules not to be wild or curious beyond our vision, we suggest that their natural inclinations make them "wrong" or "broken" and our chances for global health and happiness grow farther out of reach. We have so much power! 

Instead: 
Let's ask our kids to play, show, explore distractions and to believe they have the answers.

If we do this our world will shift - quickly! - and our health and happiness will be unavoidable. We will begin to remember who we are, and our values and celebrations will align more naturally with being human rather than fitting into schedules and prefabricated, made up, boxes. We have so much power!

IMAGINE: A culture where we remember that children are not less than but equal to, and diversity and difference are to be valued not restrained. 

Now, join me in doing some of the things we imagine. Be careful, don't get yourselves in trouble, friends. Society still holds the keys to locks that shouldn't exist. 

But if we all shift now, the changes will be profound!

And our children (and ourselves) will grow into who they were born to be!

We have so much power!

Let's share it with our young ones and show them how to use it with kindness.

IMAGINE: And do! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

My sister's youngest daughter and my youngest son, imagining and exploring.

 

Autism Answer: We Choose Each Other

My son when he was still dealing with Irlen, sensory issues, and seizures.

My nineteen year old son just phoned me here in Texas from his bed in California. The sound of sleep was heavy on his words and, while I sipped my first cup of coffee for the day, it made me feel closer to him. 

He was calling so early because he had woke from a bad dream and wanted to talk it out with me; shed that feeling and start the day fresh. 

We chatted, we considered the dream, we chatted longer and made giggle worthy jokes. Not quite awake enough or in the right head space for guffaws or boisterous laughter, we giggled, and he felt ready to start the day fresh. He chose me and I was able to help.

When my son was small, dealing with Irlen Sydrome and seizures and sensory issues, often dealing with it by being startlingly rude and self-centered, I loved him and believed in him and looked consistently for the paths he could take to grow happier and healthier in order to point out those paths to him. I never believed I could make him healthy or happy, but I always knew that I could help him find his best path toward it.

You know what?
I believe he has.
I believe he has found those paths. 

And I love that it includes phoning me when he's struggling with feelings. Good and bad. 

Let's believe in all of our loved ones, friends! No matter what their obstacles are, they do have the ability to overcome or re-purpose them. As my sons grow older and move farther away I see that truth consistently. 

And I'm given an unexpected gift. One that is so important to me. They don't need me anymore, but they choose me. Often!

We choose each other! 

If I spent too much time trying to be the one who makes them happy or makes them healthy or makes them, well, anything, we wouldn't have the space to choose each other and to grow authentically. I would have been far too busy trying "fix" their lives or brains or issues and they would have been far too busy pushing away from me or thinking they needed me. 

It was one of the hardest things I learned when my sons were small, that I can't get inside their heads and make them love themselves and learn skills and be happy. But once I accepted it and took on the role of curious guide, our lives--though still challenging and with moments of monumental emotional pain--became clearly our own. 

And we choose each other. Not in every moment, not for every need, but for the ones where we have built a story that includes each other. 

While my son told me his dream we both felt surrounded by the past and teased by potential futures. We both felt the fear that comes with change and the uncertainty that comes with caring about people so so much. We didn't have to say many words because we've lived this story together his whole life. I listened entirely, knowing that his dreamland is his own--a place where he figures stuff out and it's unrelated to me, even though I will forever play a role. 

Let's remember to build stories that include each other without thinking we have the responsibility of deciding what kind of story a loved one should live. When we let go and become curious guides, they will always surprise us. 

And sometimes, they'll also choose us! 

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Me and my son (Tyran) now!